PART 2
"Here's our next celebrity" said the Colonel as a taxi pulled up. A smart man in a pinstripe suit got out.
" 'Ere, it's Leonard Rossiter" said Slugger .
"Good morning Mr Rossiter, did you have a good journey?" enquired the Colonel.
"No not really" he replied. "It's good to get my feet on dry land." "But you've come by road not on a boat" exclaimed Steve.
"Yes I know but I fell asleep in the back" he said. "When I woke up it was all dark and seemed funny. I opened the door. I didn't
know we were in a car wash. There's three inches of standing water on the floor in the rear of the taxi."
"But apart from that was everything alright?" asked Dora.
"No not really, I was hoping to travel on some nice quiet, serene, peaceful roads with beautiful scenery" said Rossiter.
"But we have quiet, serene peaceful roads here in Yorkshire" replied Slugger.
"Not when the driver's got his foot stuck on the accelerator pedal" he exclaimed. "He was wearing those stupid flipflops, they got
wrapped around it, everything just flashed by. We got here in half the time it should have taken. Still, not to worry, it probably
saved me some money on the fare."
"Let me show you the farmhouse Mr Rossiter" said the Colonel. "Have you any idea what you'd like to do whilst you're here?".
"Well yes" he replied, "I've taken the liberty of writing a play, I thought we could all perform it here."
" 'Ere, that sounds great" said Ron.
"Yes well, it's more of a sitcom really, it's based on my t.v. comedy show 'Rising Damp' he answered. "And looking at this room I've come
to the right place, there's more running water on the window sills than there is in the back of the taxi. Right, now the agency have
filled me in with details of you all so here's your scripts" said Rossiter handing them out to Ron, Dora and Steve. "We'll have a quick
rehearsal. We're all playing the Rising Damp characters. I'm Rigsby. Steve, you play Alan, you look alike. And Ron, you play Philip,
you look like him."
" 'Ere, I don't look nuffin like Philip" said Ron.
"W...what do you mean" replied Rossiter.
" 'Ees taller than I am" exclaimed Ron.
"Well just think lanky" he said, "Think lankier."
"Ere, 'ave I got a small part?" asked Slugger.
"I don't know, I havn't got my tape measure with me" he replied. "Oh I see what you mean, no, you're in charge of special effects
Slugger. Here's your notes and equipment." Slugger stared at a hammer he'd been given. "Oh and Colonel, you'll make a guest
appearance, here's your script. Right, powder your noses and it's curtains up" exclaimed Rigsby.
Slugger grabbed hold of the curtains and lifted them right up, the dazzling sunshine went straight into Rigsby's eyes as he walked on.
"Aargghh" he shouted, "I've been blinded, I can't see. "Pull those curtains down Slugger." "But you said..." "Never mind what I said,
just pull them down."
Rigsby walked on again wearing sunglasses. "My God Miss Jones" he said to Dora, "You look ravishing tonight."
"I'm over here Mr Rigsby" said Dora, "You're talking to the hat stand."
"Thank God for that" he replied, "I thought you wanted to go to the toilet and were standing on one leg. I can't see a thing in these
sunglasses" he said, throwing them out of the room.
"Is that a knock I hear on the door?" asked Dora..... "I said "Is that a knock on the door."
"Slugger!" shouted Rigsby, "There's a knock at the door."
"Oh righto" he replied. He walked over to the front door and opened it. "No, there's no one there" he said.
"For God's sake you're in charge of special effects" bellowed Rigsby, "There's a knock at the door in the play, tap the table with that
hammer to make a knocking sound." "Righto" said Slugger...tap...tap...tap.
"Ah Rigsby" said Ron walking in, "I though I'd find you here."
"Just a minute" exclaimed Rigsby, "Ron, I said powder your nose, not put a mud pack on it."
"It's black shoe polish" replied Ron, "It makes me look more authentic, I look like Philip now."
"With that face and ginger haired mop you look more like a Swahili Witch Doctor" said Rigsby.
"There's another knock at the door" cried out Dora. No response. "Knock at the door" shouted Rigsby, "Special effects...."
Slugger was fast asleep in his chair. "Oh God he's nodded of" said Rigsby. "Good job he's not working for the Royal Shakespearean
Company. Just imagine Hamlet saying 'Alas poor Yoric, I knew him....' 'Ere, where's the skull. Oh sorry Hamlet me old mate says the
Director but the special effects supervisor's just having a nap in the middle of act 5. Just hold this mop head, nobody'll notice the
difference."
Slugger started snoring.
"Right, forget special effects" said Rigsby. Steve, alias Alan, walked in. "Hello Miss Jones" he said, "Hello Philip. Hello Rigsby."
"Oh isn't it a wonderful day" replied Rigsby, "The sun's shining, the birds are singing, well, coughing and wheezing actually, it's all those
coal fires that does it. This is the best day of the month."
"Is it?" asked Alan. "Yes" replied Rigsby, "It's the day you pay your rent. That's £5.00 each please. Thank you Philip, thank you Miss
Jones...Oh I must say Miss Jones, this £5 notes very warm." Yes" she replied, "I've been keeping it in a safe place." "Oh you'll have to
show me your safe place Miss Jones" he replied. "Mr Rigsby, why would you like to look behind my gas cooker" she exclaimed.
Alan plonked a plastic bag on the table full of 10 pence coins. "There's your £5 Rigsby" he said.
"Oh so you finally found the key to your piggy bank then" said Rigsby.
"Actually, I had a win on the one armed bandit in the pub last night" Alan answered.
"How fortuitous" replied Rigsby.
"Hey, talking about one armed bandits, did I ever tell you about Freddy Fox who owned the corner shop in Commerce Street" said
Rigsby. "No" said Alan." He was really tight-fisted, you'd have to go a long way to find a man as mean as him" he continued.
Alan, Philip and Miss Jones all stared at Rigsby.
"Yes, well, we called him the one armed bandit because he only had one arm. Do you know, I once went into his shop for a magazine...
You know, the ones that're on the top shelf."
"Oh I know the ones you mean Rigsby" replied Alan, "Stilt walking for beginners."
"Yes that's right, stilt walking for... no" said Rigsby, "No, I mean those magazines that are a bit...you know...saucy."
"Yes I know what you mean Rigsby" said Alan. I was just pulling your leg."
"Good job I'm not a stilt walker then" exclaimed Rigsby.
"Actually, I bought one of those magazines once" said Alan. "Did you?" asked Rigsby. "Yes" said Alan, "They're very informative."
"Oh yes they are" Rigsby answered. "And very explicit too. And in colour."
"Yes" nodded Rigsby, "They're the ones."
"They contain some red hot stuff as you say Rigsby" said Alan. "Very saucy." "What was yours called?" asked Rigsby excitedly.
"101 Marinating recipes" replied Alan.
"Very funny I'm sure" said Rigsby, "It was a girlie magazine I bought. There should have been a free gift inside. When I got home
there wasn't one, you could see where it had been sellotaped to the page. The one armed bandit had removed it, that's how stingy
he was." "What was the free gift?" asked Philip.
"Well...er..." said Rigsby, we...er...we called them a 'Three Pack' ".
"Oh I know what you mean Mr Rigsby" exclaimed Miss Jones.
"Oh do you Miss Jones" replied Rigsby, "You surprise me."
"Yes, you could buy them from vending machines or from the chemist."
"Yes, they're the ones Miss Jones. I must say, you're a woman of the world."
"Yes my mother used to buy them for my father" she said. "I must say, that was very good of her" said Rigsby.
"She used to buy him packs with seven in sometimes"
"Blimey, she was keen" replied Rigsby.
"I can see my mother's face now" continued Miss Jones, "Opening the pack and taking one out for my father."