Author Topic: There's no business like show business  (Read 2963 times)

Offline pete.r.

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There's no business like show business
« on: January 28, 2018, 04:19:57 PM »
                                               There's no business like show business

A story in four parts.


It was early morning at the farm. "I've just had this great idea how to make some money for Follyfoot" said the Colonel,"The budget's
a bit tight at the moment. It's foolproof." "Foolproof 'ee says" replied Slugger, dusting the pictures on the wall. "More likely it's
proof the idea's foolish.  'Itler 'ad a foolproof plan to take over the world . Foolproof 'ee says."
"So what is this idea Uncle?" asked Dora.
"It's an agency who have celebrities on their books, they loan them out to people so I've asked them to send me several, they'll
stop here for a short time. They'll get good publicity from the media - T.V, radio, newspapers and the like and be able to do write ups
on their experiences here and do interviews. We'll get well payed for it. The first one's due any minute now."

A chauffer driven limousine arrived. "Ah, here's our first celebrity" said the Colonel. "Blimey, must be someone rich and famous"
exclaimed Steve. A young man with dark hair and a moustache wearing a dark jacket, jodhpurs and a riding hat got out, holding a
suitcase. "Hello there" he said, "Jolly nice day what. Have you got the muffins ready?. Jolly hungry, not had a bite to eat since lunch."
"Crikey" said Ron "It's Lord Beck. He's not rich or famous." "No but his mother is" replied Dora, "He's just a spoilt brat."
"Blimey, thought the Colonel would've found someone better than 'im" remarked Slugger.

Suddenly Lord Beck ripped off his moustache. "Slugger Jones" he said in a broad Irish accent, and taking a large red book out of
the car, "You thought you were here to meet a celebrity but I'm just here to say that...ha ha ha....Slugger Jones, apprentice jockey,
ex-boxer, chef de cuisine extraordinaire - and your cuisine really is extraordinary, tonight this is your life, ha ha ha."
" 'Ere, blimey," exclaimed Slugger, "It's Aemonn Andrews, I'm gonna be on the telly, I'm gonna be on 'This is your life. They'll tell the nation my whole life story."
"Shouldn't take too long then" replied Ron.
" 'Ere, will there be any famous people there?" asked Slugger. The man took a white raincoat out of the suitcase and put it on and
put a pipe in his mouth and said in a Yorkshire accent "This sort of thing wouldn't have happened if I'd been in charge. The pound in
your pocket will not devalue if I get in power."

" 'Ere, you're not 'Arold Wilson" said Slugger, "You're a contortionist."
"I think the word you're looking for is impressionist" butted in Ron.
"Indeed I am" replied the man, taking the pipe out of his mouth, "Although I have been known to bend over backwards to pretend to
be someone else." "Ah hello" said the Colonel walking over, "I see you've arrived."
"Nice to see you, to see you nice" replied the man striking up a Bruce Forsyth pose.
"So there you have it" said the Colonel, "We have a star in our midst."
"Of course" answered Slugger, "Oh I am a fool, I know who it is now, I'd recognise him anywhere. It's Freddie Starr."
" 'Fraid not, but you were close. I'm Mike Yarwood" he replied. He put on a pair of bushy eyebrows. "Whose a silly-billy then" he said.
"Brilliant" answered Slugger, "That's a great take off of James Callaghan. You even look like him."
"Actually it was Denis Healey" replied Mike.
"Could 'ave been worse" said Ron, " 'Ee could 'ave thought it was Margaret Thatcher."

"So have you ever impersonated a female?" asked Steve.
"No I don't think so" replied Mike, "The nearest I came was when I did John Inman." He took a short blond wig out of the suitcase and
put it on. "Have you seen Mrs Slocombe's pussy" he said, doing a dainty walk. "The last time I got a glimpse of it it was a sort of
ginger colour. And it was purring. Mrs Slocombe said that was probably due to the fact that the gentleman who lived across the
road at no.22 liked to stroke it. She thinks he must have been a West Ham United supporter because he was always singing 'I'm
forever blowing bubbles'. Funnily enough I do that in the bath in the morning if I've had a curry the night before. And talking about
West Ham, Alf Garnett was a keen supporter."

Mike took off the blond wig and put on a wig that made him look bald. He put on bushy eyebrows, a moustache and horn rimmed
glasses and put a pipe in his mouth. "Come on West Ham" he shouted in a cockney voice, "Up the 'ammers. See, we only won the
world cup in '66 because we 'ad three 'ammers players playing for England. We 'ad your Geoff Hurst, Martin Peters and your Bobby
Moore. Even the missus knows that and she knows nuffin about football. Silly old moo!. And that Brian Clough. What does 'ee
know about football?. Loud mouthed big 'ead." Mike took the Alf Garnett gear off and combed his hair back.

"I'll tell you what I know about football Alf" he said. "As a player I scored 251 goals and as a manager Derby County won the
division 2 championship under me in 1969 and won the division 1 championship in 1972. I used to think I might've been the greatest
footballer and football manager in the world but I've changed my mind. I now know I am. And as for being  loud mouthed and big
headed Alf, that sounds like the pot calling the kettle black." "Talking of which Slugger, how about putting the kettle on and making a
nice pot of tea, I'm sure we could all do with one" said the Colonel. "I'll just have a glass of milk" replied Mike.

"I don't think I can stand much more of this" said Dora, "His impersonations every few minutes are driving me mad. Any comments?"
she asked, looking at Steve and Ron.
"What do you think of it so far?" said Steve
"Rubbish!" shouted Ron.
"Don't you two start" said Dora getting angry, "I've got enough putting up with him. I just wish he'd do an imitation of the invisible man.
I've about had enough."
"Not a lot of people know that" said Slugger in his cockney voice.
"Right that's it" exclaimed Dora storming off. She marched away and bumped into the Colonel.
"Are Dora" he said, "Mr Yarwood was just telling me he does a little horse riding. I've saddled him up on Brown Forrester. Do you think
you could give him a few tips?".
Dora looked at Mike sat on the horse. "Get off ya horse and drink ya milk" she answered in a really good John Wayne accent.
Then she stormed off.
"Good gracious" answered the Colonel. "Was it something I said?"

"Ah Dora" said the Colonel later, "Some good news for you. Mr Yarwood's going to do a special performance for us using one of the stables as a theatre. He'll be doing all his famous impersonations, Max Bygraves, Bob Monkhouse, Ken Dodd and so on. I know
you won't want to miss it."
"Oh what a pity" replied Dora, "I have to go to Tockwith this afternoon to collect a horse."
"Whose horse?" asked the Colonel.
"Mr Jackson, the milkman. He's crippled with arthritis, he can't get in his milk float anymore, he's in a wheelchair. He wants us to take
in his horse, Traveller. I'll go and collect him."
Dora returned later without the horse.
"You should've seen Mike" said Steve, "He was brilliant, his rendition of..." "What's wrong Dora" interrupted the Colonel. Something's
wrong. I can tell. "It's Mr Jackson's horse Traveller" she replied. I can't get him off his farm. He won't leave Mr Jackson. They've been
delivering milk together for over twenty years. Mr Jackson's too poorly to even get in the milk float let alone drive it. If I could just get
him to Follyfoot and in a stable he'd be fine. Mr Jackson says he could visit him several times a week, his son could bring him."
Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: There's no business like show business
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2018, 05:24:30 PM »
"I think I can help you out there Dora" said Mike Yarwood, "You go over to the farm, I'll follow you on the back of Rons motorbike."
They arrived at the farm, a sad looking Traveller stood in the yard hitched up to his float where Dora had left him.
"Now"explained Mike in the farmhouse, "I just need to hear Mr Jackson speak for a few minutes to get his dialect and mannerisms,
then I'll dress up in some of his spare clothes and pretend to be him. Hopefully traveller will think I'm Mr Jackson and we can bring him
back to Follyfoot." "What a great idea enthused Dora."
"I mean that most sincerely folks, I really do" said Mike, his eyes bulging. "He's really good isn't he Dora" exclaimed Ron.
"Let's hope traveller thinks so" replied Dora.
Twenty minutes later Mike came out of the Farmhouse wearing Mr Jacksons spare clothes." Don't get too close" said Dora, "Although
Mr Jacksons clothes have his scent on Traveller's nose might realise you're a different person."
Traveller eyed Mike suspiciously.
"Nah then 'owez thee doin Traveller" said Mike, in  real Yorkshire patter, picking his nose. The horse pricked it's ears up.
"Ye look reet champion lad".
Traveller whinnied and trotted up to Mike. "I'm proper chuffed t'bits wi' ya" he said, his fingers up his nose again.Then he climbed
onto the milk float.
"That was great" exclaimed Dora,"But I think you overdid the fingers up the nose bit, I don't think Mr Jackson was that bad."
"No" replied Mike, it was all that b----y soot and smoke in the room, I'm bunged up. As Eddie Waring might say" he said in a broad
Yorkshire voice, "It's an up and under."

Mike took the milk float back to Follyfoot and he settled Traveller in a stable with Dora's help. "Mr Jackson's coming to see him tomorrow
Uncle" she said, "He'll settle down alright."
"So what do you think of Mikes impersonations now Dora?" asked Steve. "Still wish he was the invisible man?. You always think you're
right don't you. You just can't admit when you've got it wrong. You decide you don't like someone and that's it, everybody's wrong
except Dora. Get a grip on life girl, give us all a bit of initiative."
A tear rolled down Dora's face.
Mike stood in the doorway. He'd seen and heard everything. He walked over to Dora and Steve. Steve looked down at the floor.
Mike smiled at Dora. He picked up his suitcase.

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events ; Small minds discuss people" he said, in his own voice, looking at Steve.
"A quote from Eleanor Roosevelt."

"I never was much good at impersonating women" he said.

Then he walked out of the door.

To be continued.........

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: There's no business like show business
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2018, 06:13:04 PM »

"Here's our next celebrity" said the Colonel as a taxi pulled up. A smart man in a pinstripe suit got out.
" 'Ere, it's Leonard Rossiter" said Slugger .
"Good morning Mr Rossiter, did you have a good journey?" enquired the Colonel.
"No not really" he replied. "It's good to get my feet on dry land." "But you've come by road not on a boat" exclaimed Steve.
"Yes I know but I fell asleep in the back" he said. "When I woke up it was all dark and seemed funny. I opened the door. I didn't
know we were in a car wash. There's three inches of standing water on the floor in the rear of the taxi."
"But apart from that was everything alright?" asked Dora.
"No not really, I was hoping to travel on some nice quiet, serene, peaceful roads with beautiful scenery" said Rossiter.
"But we have quiet, serene peaceful roads here in Yorkshire" replied Slugger.
"Not when the driver's got his foot stuck on the accelerator pedal" he exclaimed. "He was wearing those stupid flipflops, they got
wrapped around it, everything just flashed by. We got here in half the time it should have taken. Still, not to worry, it probably
saved me some money on the fare."

"Let me show you the farmhouse Mr Rossiter" said the Colonel. "Have you any idea what you'd like to do whilst you're here?".
"Well yes" he replied, "I've taken the liberty of writing a play, I thought we could all perform it here."
" 'Ere, that sounds great" said Ron.
"Yes well, it's more of a sitcom really, it's based on my t.v. comedy show 'Rising Damp' he answered. "And looking at this room I've come
to the right place, there's more running water on the window sills than there is in the back of the taxi. Right, now the agency have
filled me in with details of you all so here's your scripts" said Rossiter handing them out to Ron, Dora and Steve. "We'll have a quick
rehearsal. We're all playing the Rising Damp characters. I'm Rigsby. Steve, you play Alan, you look alike. And Ron, you play Philip,
you look like him."
" 'Ere, I don't look nuffin like Philip" said Ron.
"W...what do you mean"  replied Rossiter.
" 'Ees taller than I am" exclaimed Ron.
"Well just think lanky" he said, "Think lankier."

"Ere, 'ave I got a small part?" asked Slugger.
"I don't know, I havn't got my tape measure with me" he replied. "Oh I see what you mean, no, you're in charge of special effects
Slugger. Here's your notes and equipment." Slugger stared at a hammer he'd been given. "Oh and Colonel, you'll make a guest
appearance, here's your script. Right, powder your noses and it's curtains up" exclaimed Rigsby.
Slugger grabbed hold of the curtains and lifted them right up, the dazzling sunshine went straight into Rigsby's eyes as he walked on.
"Aargghh" he shouted, "I've been blinded, I can't see. "Pull those curtains down Slugger." "But you said..."  "Never mind what I said,
just pull them down."

Rigsby walked on again wearing sunglasses. "My God Miss Jones" he said to Dora, "You look ravishing tonight."
"I'm over here Mr Rigsby" said Dora, "You're talking to the hat stand."
"Thank God for that" he replied, "I thought you wanted to go to the toilet and were standing on one leg. I can't see a thing in these
sunglasses" he said, throwing them out of the room.
"Is that a knock I hear on the door?" asked Dora..... "I said "Is that a knock on the door."
"Slugger!" shouted Rigsby, "There's a knock at the door."
"Oh righto" he replied. He walked over to the front door and opened it. "No, there's no one there" he said.
"For God's sake you're in charge of special effects" bellowed Rigsby, "There's a knock at the door in the play, tap the table with that
hammer to make a knocking sound." "Righto" said Slugger...tap...tap...tap.

"Ah Rigsby" said Ron walking in, "I though I'd find you here."
"Just a minute" exclaimed Rigsby, "Ron, I said powder your nose, not put a mud pack on it."
"It's black shoe polish" replied Ron, "It makes me look more authentic, I look like Philip now."
"With that face and ginger haired mop you look more like a Swahili Witch Doctor" said Rigsby.
"There's another knock at the door" cried out Dora. No response. "Knock at the door" shouted Rigsby, "Special effects...." 
Slugger was fast asleep in his chair. "Oh God he's nodded of" said Rigsby. "Good job he's not working for the Royal Shakespearean
Company. Just imagine Hamlet saying 'Alas poor Yoric, I knew him....'  'Ere, where's the skull. Oh sorry Hamlet me old mate says the
Director but the special effects supervisor's just having a nap in the middle of act 5. Just hold this mop head, nobody'll notice the

Slugger started snoring.
"Right, forget special effects" said Rigsby. Steve, alias Alan, walked in. "Hello Miss Jones" he said, "Hello Philip. Hello Rigsby."
"Oh isn't it a wonderful day" replied Rigsby, "The sun's shining, the birds are singing, well, coughing and wheezing actually, it's all those
coal fires that does it. This is the best day of the month."
"Is it?" asked Alan. "Yes" replied Rigsby, "It's the day you pay your rent. That's £5.00 each please. Thank you Philip, thank you Miss
Jones...Oh I must say Miss Jones, this £5 notes very warm." Yes" she replied, "I've been keeping it in a safe place." "Oh you'll have to
show me your safe place Miss Jones" he replied. "Mr Rigsby, why would you like to look behind my gas cooker" she exclaimed.
Alan plonked a plastic bag on the table full of 10 pence coins. "There's your £5 Rigsby" he said.
"Oh so you finally found the key to your piggy bank then" said Rigsby.
"Actually, I had a win on the one armed bandit in the pub last night" Alan answered.
"How fortuitous" replied Rigsby.

"Hey, talking about one armed bandits, did I ever tell you about Freddy Fox who owned the corner shop in Commerce Street" said
Rigsby. "No" said Alan." He was really tight-fisted, you'd have to go a long way to find a man as mean as him" he continued.
Alan, Philip and Miss Jones all stared at Rigsby.
"Yes, well, we called him the one armed bandit because he only had one arm. Do you know, I once went into his shop for a magazine...
You know, the ones that're on the top shelf."
"Oh I know the ones you mean Rigsby" replied Alan, "Stilt walking for beginners."
"Yes that's right, stilt walking for... no" said Rigsby, "No, I mean those magazines that are a know...saucy."
"Yes I know what you mean Rigsby" said Alan. I was just pulling your leg."
"Good job I'm not a stilt walker then" exclaimed Rigsby.

"Actually, I bought one of those magazines once" said Alan. "Did you?" asked Rigsby. "Yes" said Alan, "They're very informative."
"Oh yes they are" Rigsby answered. "And very explicit too. And in colour."
"Yes" nodded Rigsby, "They're the ones."
"They contain some red hot stuff as you say Rigsby" said Alan. "Very saucy." "What was yours called?" asked Rigsby excitedly.
"101 Marinating recipes" replied Alan.

"Very funny I'm sure" said Rigsby, "It was a girlie magazine I bought. There should have been a free gift inside. When I got home
there wasn't one, you could see where it had been sellotaped to the page. The one armed bandit had removed it, that's how stingy
he was." "What was the free gift?" asked Philip.
"" said Rigsby, called them a 'Three Pack' ".
"Oh I know what you mean Mr Rigsby" exclaimed Miss Jones.
"Oh do you Miss Jones" replied Rigsby, "You surprise me."
"Yes, you could buy them from vending machines or from the chemist."
"Yes, they're the ones Miss Jones. I must say, you're a woman of the world."
"Yes my mother used to buy them for my father" she said. "I must say, that was very good of her" said Rigsby.
"She used to buy him packs with seven in sometimes"
"Blimey, she was keen" replied Rigsby.

"I can see my mother's face now" continued Miss Jones, "Opening the pack and taking one out for my father."

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: There's no business like show business
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2018, 07:16:48 PM »
"Good Lord" said Rigsby sweating, "I need a drink." He grabbed hold of a glass of water on the table and downed it in one.
"Aarghh" he shouted spitting it out, "That was horrible, what was in it?".
"Sluggers teeth" replied Steve, "All night long."
"Yes" said Miss Jones, "My father loved Wrigleys Spearmint chewing gum."
"Chewing gum" exclaimed Rigsby, water dripping from his chin. "Thank God for that."

So what're you doing today Rigsby?" asked Alan, "Apart from taking the rent money to the bank. Don't want to miss a day's interest do
we." "If you must know I'm going to the doctor's" he replied. "What, just in case you sprain your wrist carrying all those coins" said
Philip." "No I've got bad feet" replied Rigsby, "They keep itching." "Have you tried washing them?" asked Alan. "Very funny" said Rigsby.
"I've got a very good doctor" enthused Philip.
"Well you would have" answered Rigsby, "He probably spent years in Africa treating people with unusual complaints nobody else had
heard of."
"Actually he's got a seat in Westminster" replied Philip.
"That's a long way to go to see your doctor isn't it?" asked Rigsby.
"I mean he's a member of parliament".
"Oh yes of course" said Rigsby.

"No, I've had this problem with my feet since I went for a paddle in Blackpool" continued Rigsby.
"I can't remember you going to Blackpool Mr Rigsby" said Miss Jones. "When was that?".
"Ah I loved Blackpool Miss Jones. I loved the donkeys. They had names on them. One had my name on it."
"What, they called a donkey Rigsby" said Alan.
"No, it had my Christian name on it" he replied. "Rupert."
"Rupert" they all exclaimed. "Yes, my name's Rupert."

"Is that a knock at the door?" asked Dora. "Knock at the door" shouted Rigsby.
"Oh God he's still asleep. Just come in."
The Colonel walked in dressed as a vicar. "Ah Rigsby" he said, "Did you get the note I pushed through the door last week saying I'd
be calling today collecting for the local church funds. Are yes you did" he said, picking up the bag of coins on the table. "Well I must
say that's very generous of you Rigsby." "Yes Vicar, but..." "It must have taken a lot of time, trouble and effort to have collected this
much." "Yes but..." "It just goes to show. In future I'll take no notice of what people say about you. The church will be very grateful,
you'll be mentioned in my prayers tonight." And off he went with the bag of coins.

"I can't believe that" said Alan. "Neither can I" replied Rigsby, "He's walked off with my money."
"No, what he just said, "You'll be mentioned in my prayers tonight."
"Yes well don't worry" replied Rigsby, "I'll be saying a few choice words about him  before I go to bed tonight as well."

To be continued.......

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: There's no business like show business
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2018, 03:55:35 PM »

"Ah here's our next celebrity coming" said the Colonel. A short, well built man with a sad face arrived on a tandem.
"It's Les Dawson" exclaimerd Steve. "Why are you riding a tandem?" asked the Colonel, "There's no one sitting on the back."
"That's funny" answered Les,"The mother-in-law was there when I set off. Mind you, I noticed after I'd gone over that level
crossing a few miles back the bike was easier to pedal, she must have fallen off. Better phone Tockwith railway station and tell
them there could be a 35 stone whale beached on the line. I'm not saying she's overweight but she took her bra to the dry cleaners
last week and the attendant said 'I'm sorry, we don't do hammocks.' Mind you, to be fair, she does try to work out. She forgot to go
to the gym yesterday. That's seven years in a row now. She's always overeaten though. When she was at school her favourite
musical instrument was the school lunch bell. Well it's nice to be here" said Les walking into the farmhouse. "It's not everyday you
get to visit a listed building."
"Oh It's not listed" replied the Colonel, "Although the National Trust were once interested in it."
"It must be the subsidence that's making it lean then" said Les.

"Right, so while you're here have you got any plans what you'd like to do?" asked the Colonel.
"Well apart from sitting around all day drinking Champagne and eating Beluga Caviar and Truffles, I thought we'd act out a game show
with me as the host" said Les.
" 'Ere great" said Slugger, "I love your show 'Blankety Blank', it always reminds me of how much work Ron does in a day."
"Yeah an' it reminds me of what it's like inside inside your brain Slugs" replied Ron.
"Well just for a change I thought we'd act out a Mr and Mrs gameshow" exclaimed Les.
"But none of us are married" replied Dora, "Unfortunately." She looked at Steve. He blushed.
"That's no problem" said Les, "I'll put you into pairs, ask you three questions about each other, and the winner is the one who gets
most questions right. If It's a draw we have a tie breaker question." "How do we know which answer's the correct one?" asked Steve.
"The Colonel will decide" replied Les, "His decision will be final. Right, we'll start with Slugger and Ron. First question to Ron. What
does Slugger do best at Follyfoot? Is it cooking, cleaning or doing the ironing. Or you can make your own answer up."
"I'll make my own answer up" said Ron. "It's none of 'em. 'Ees useless."
" 'Ere, that's not fair" answered Slugger, "I clean the 'ouse every six months whether it needs it or not. And my stews to die for" he
exclaimed. "Yeah" said Ron,"Several people already 'ave who've eaten it. And as for ironing" continued Ron, "I've got a shirt that's
got that many scorch marks on it people think that's the pattern."
"Right" said Les, "We'll just confer with the Colonel."
"Er...yes", stuttered the Colonel, unable to look Slugger in the face, "I'm afraid Ron's right."
"You can iron your own bloomin shirts from now on then" said an annoyed Slugger to the Colonel. "One point to Ron" said Les.

"Next question Ron. If Slugger was a horse, which of these names would suit him best. Bashful, because he's really quite a shy person.
Or Mr Bumble, because he blunders about all day. Or Racer, because he's always rushing around doing things at the farm."
"Well 'ee don't do no rushing around" exclaimed Ron. "'Ark 'oos talking" said Slugger. " 'An ee ain't exactly bashful. But ee spends a
lot of time bewildering and confusing everyone, so I'll go for Mr Bumble" said Ron. "Colonel?" asked Les.
"Yes...I"  Slugger scowled at him. "I'll go for Bashful" replied the Colonel, trying to get in Sluggers good books again.
"Ow do you work that out" exclaimed Ron. "Slugs ain't bashful."
", he was a boxer" explained the Colonel, "He used to bash people about."
"Yeah and I'm reserved" said Ron. "I'm reserving judgement on this game." "One point to Slugger" said Les.

"Last question Ron. Which of these best describes Sluggers dress attire - Scruffy, well dressed or casual."
"Well that's an easy one" answered Ron. "Scruffy. Spends most of 'is time muckin out - 'is clothes smell like a manure 'eap."
"We'll just check with the Colonel" said Les.
"" "Yes?" asked Les.
"Well I think when Slugger goes to the dressage Grand Prix he looks very smart in his top hat and tails" said the Colonel, "So he can
be well dressed sometimes and scruffy sometimes. So I'll say casual to even it out." Slugger smiled.
"Casual, casual, 'ow do you work that one out" shrieked Ron. "Last time Slugger went to a dressage meet was in the London
Summer Olympics in 1948. You're a Grand Prix Colonel" he said sharply. "Another point for Slugger, he leads 2-1" said Les.

"Right, your first question Slugger. "Which of these would Ron have been best at at school."
"Didn't fink 'ee ever went" he interrupted.
"Reading, writing or arithmatic" continued Les. "Or you can make your own answer up."
"I'll make my own answer up" replied Slugger, "None of 'em" he said, remembering Rons answer to his first question. "Ee's useless
at all of 'em." "No I'm not" answered Ron, "I'm good at reading. I spend most of my day reading comics and westerns when I should
be working." "Yes I agree with Ron" said the Colonel, unable to get out of that one. "Another point to Ron" said Les, "They're level."

"Next question Slugger, If Ron was an animal, which one of these would he be. A fox, a tortoise or a cat?".
Slugger thought for a minute then said "All of 'em, 'ees as sly as a fox, as slow as a tortoise and 'ees often found catnapping when
'ee should be working."
"I can only accept one answer" exclaimed Les.
"A tortoise then" replied Slugger.
"Correct" shouted the Colonel. "That's not fair" moaned Ron, "Any answer would have been right." Point to Slugger" said Les.

"Last question. Which of these is Rons favourite food."
"None of 'em if Sluggers cooked 'em" quipped Ron.
"Fish and chips, bacon and eggs or curried chicken" asked Les. "Bacon and eggs" said Slugger, definitely." That's game to me."
"No it's not" Ron answered, "They're not my favourite food." "Yes they are" said Slugger, "You 'ave 'em every day."
"Don't 'ave much choice do I" said Ron, "It's all you cook. That and Stew. I prefer fish and chips."
"You're not supposed to tell us the answer" interrupted Les.
"Fish and chips it is then" groaned the Colonel.
"That's three points each" said Les, "Now it's Dora and Steves turn."
"What about the tie breaker?" asked Slugger.
"I'll do it later when I strangle the Colonel" said an irate Ron. "Casual clothes my foot."

"First question to Steve" said Les. "What's Dora's favourite colour? Red, white or blue. Or you can make your own up."
"I'll make my own up" replied Steve. "Copper." "Very clever" said the Colonel, "Correct." "One point to Steve" said Les.

"Next question. If Dora had a middle name, which of these would suit her best. Angela, Catherine or Susan."
"I think Catherine" replied Steve, looking at Dora, "Because it means pure."
"That's a good answer" exclaimed the Colonel,"But I think Angela because it means kind and sweet to others. And that's Dora."
"One point each" said Les.

"Last question Steve. Which of these would Dora be best at. Woodworking, dancing or spelling."
"Well she's not very good at woodwork smiled Steve. And she doesn't do dancing. But she can spell chrysanthemum. So I'll say that."
"So will I" the Colonel replied. "That's another point for Steve. He leads 2-1. And no arguments with this couple" said Les.
"He should see 'em in real life" muttered Slugger.

"Your first question Dora. Which of these cities has Steve visited most recently? Coventry, Exeter or Liverpool."
Steve looked down at the floor. "Liverpool" said Dora, sadly.


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Offline pete.r.

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Re: There's no business like show business
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2018, 05:08:36 PM »
"Yes...yes that's correct" said the Colonel.
"Well done, I thought that was a hard question" said Les, not knowing that Steve had gone there in search of his mother a short
time ago. "That's 2-2."

"Next question Dora. If Steve was a fairground attraction, which one of these would he be. A dodgem car, because he's aggressive and
can take knocks. A big wheel because he's the strong silent type although he sometimes has his head in the clouds. Or a roller coaster,
he has his ups and downs and lives life at a fast pace."
"A big wheel" said Dora immediately. "Yes I agree said the Colonel." "Dora leads" said Les, "And it's the last question."

"If Steve was a flower, which of these would he be. A rose, because although he's attractive he has thorns to enable him to defend
himself. Or a dandelion, because he's a nuisance and a pest, people just want to get rid of him. Or a sweet pea, because he can't
survive without having something to cling to, but likes to get on with things as it grows rapidly."
"I think a rose" replied Dora.
"Colonel?" asked Les. The Colonel was thinking deeply.
"Yes, I can see where you're coming from Dora" he said. "But I think a sweet pea. I know Steve's a loner, but he does need something
to cling onto" he said. "He needs Follyfoot. And he does get on with it when a job needs doing."

"So it's 3-3" said Les." Everybody has three points. So it's a tie breaker between the four of you to decide the winner. Isn't this
exciting. I can hardly contain myself" he said, with a face that looked bored to death. "The last time I was this excited was when I
found a leather bycycle saddle in the Manchester Ship Canal. I was so overjoyed. I was the only kid in our street to have one.
Unfortunately I didn't have a bike."

"So this is what we do" he said, giving everyone a piece of paper. "I ask the Colonel a question about himself. He writes the answer
down. You all write the answer down. Whoever matches the Colonels answer wins. Right Colonel, you're a big fan of doing the Times
crossword. Can you tell me, what's the quickest time you've ever finished one in." Everyone scribbled the answer down.
"Right, let's see what you've put."
The Colonel held his piece of paper up. On it he'd written 'NO I CAN'T.'
"What sort of answer's that" asked Les.
"I can't tell you the time" explained the Colonel, "I can't remember."
"I think I should've stuck to Blankety Blank" said Les.

"Well I know I'm wasting my time" said Les, but can you all hold up your pieces of paper."
They all held them up. They'd all written 'NO I CAN'T'.

"Good Lord" exclaimed Les, looking flabbergasted. "You're all winners. You've all won a prize."
"Is it a cash prize?" asked Dora.
"Or a new car?" enquired Ron.
"Or a holiday abroad" said Steve.
"Or a colour telly maybe" exclaimed Slugger.
"Unfortunately not" replied Les, with a face like a bloodhound. "You've all won a copy of my latest book, 'Les Dawsons favourite
mother in law jokes' ."
They all groaned.
"I'll get the publishers to send four copies on to you next week" he said, with a sickly smile.
"At least that'll double the amount of books I've sold this year."

To be continued.........

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Offline pete.r.

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Re: There's no business like show business
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2018, 04:14:34 PM »

It was early morning at the farm.
"And here's our last celebrity coming" said the Colonel. "Who is it?" asked Steve. "Well this person is quite tall, taller than the rest of
their group" he answered. "Have a guess."
"Snow White" exclaimed Slugger.
"Snow White" retorted Ron, "She ain't a real person Slugs."
"No but she's taller than the others" said Slugger.
"I don't think you've quite grasped it Slugger" said the Colonel. "I'll give you another clue. It's a man who's quite funny and wears a silly hat ." The Colonel was now getting slightly exasperated
"Is it one of Sluggers relations?" asked Ron. "Oh for goodness sake" replied the Colonel, "It's a celebrity. Sluggers relations aren't
celebrities." " 'Ere, me Uncle was a household name" said Slugger. "What whas 'is name then?" asked Ron.
"J. Cloth." replied Slugger.

"This celebrity does magic tricks that go wrong and makes everyone laugh" explained the Colonel. "How do you expect us to guess
him just like that with those clues" said Dora. "Well you've just said his catchphrase" exclaimed the Colonel.
"I know" shouted out Slugger, "It's Michael Aspel, he does that t.v. show, 'Give us a clue'. "
"No it's not Michael Aspel" said an irritated Colonel. "He's not a magician. The catchphrase is 'Just like that' you're looking for."
"I've got it now" said Slugger. "Paul Daniels."
"That's not his catchphrase, he's not very tall and he doesn't wear a funny hat" replied the Colonel.
" 'Ee does when 'ee pulls rabbits out of 'em" said Slugger. "Well it's not him" bellowed a now irate Colonel, " It's Tommy Cooper."
" 'Ere I like 'im" replied Slugger doing a one-two with his fists, "Great boxer, didn't know 'ee did magic tricks though."
"I think you'll find that's 'Enery Cooper" said Ron, as the Colonel slumped exhausted into his chair.

A taxi pulled up and a tall broad man wearing a dark suit and a red fez on his head got out. Tommy walked over to everyone.
"I don't think he thought much of my tip" he said. "Mind you, I'm not surprised, the horse's never one a race yet. It can't run straight,
it goes all over the place. The jockey's so frightened he has to wear blinkers. The horse came in so late it had to tip-toe back to it's
stable." "Breakfast' ready" said Slugger. "What've we got today then Slugger" asked the Colonel. "Same 'as we always 'ave" he
replied. "Bacon and eggs. Eggs is good for you eggs is. And toast."
"Couldn't we have had something a little different" asked Steve, "Seeing as how we've a celebrity here today."
"I've done something a little different" replied Slugger. "There's boiled eggs as well" he said bringing them out on a plate.

"I must say this is very nice" said Tommy as he pulled serviettes from behind his ear and handed them to everyone.
They all applauded.
"Thank you very much" said Tommy. "Thank you. Ha Ha Ha. Do you have any sauce" he asked. Ron passed him the ketchup.
"Do you know, I bought some H.P. sauce the other day" said Tommy. "It's costing me 6p a month for the next two years. Ha Ha Ha.
Oh dear" he said. Do you know a funny thing happened the other day. You know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of
seconds later they come alight."
"Yes" answered Dora.
"Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them. Took the fire brigade three weeks to get it under control."
Tommy pulled his handkerchief out of his top pocket, it was about 6ft long.

"Here's a little trick I'd like to show you" said Tommy. He took a boiled egg from Ron's eggcup he was about to break open and took
a paper bag that appeared from behind Steves ear. "Egg, bag,... bag, egg" he said, holding them up. Right, I'll just  place the egg in
 the bag" he exclaimed, "Being careful not to break it." He then took the spatula off the table and began violently smashing the paper
bag. " 'Ere, me egg" said Ron. Tommy put his hand in Rons pocket and took out a boiled egg. "I think you'll find this is your egg" he said. Everyone clapped and cheered. "Thank you very much" said Tommy ."And just to prove it is your egg Ron" said Steve, "We'll just check."
Steve took the bag and emptied the contents of it over Ron. All runny yolk, egg white and eggshells came out and covered Rons head
and ran down his face. Everyone laughed.
" 'Ere" shouted Slugger, "Me boiled eggs 'ave come out perfect, just nice and runny. I'm pleased with 'em. They normally come out
rock hard."
Ron gave a sickly smile.

" Here's something I'd like to show you" said Tommy, "Has anyone a cigarette?". Ron passed him one.
"And has anyone a light?". Ron lit the cigarette for him. Tommy puffed on the cigarette. "Ah that's nice" he said. "That's a nice
cigarette." He puffed away. " 'Ere" said Slugger two minutes later, "When are you going to do the trick then?"
"I'm not going to do a trick" Tommy replied. "I just wanted to show you me sitting here relaxing at breakfast time. Ha Ha Ha. Oh
deary me. Here's a little something I picked up in the mysterious East."
"What, China?" asked Dora.
"No, Ingoldmells" replied Tommy. "It's very mysterious there. It's a mystery anyone goes."
"What's the trick?" asked Slugger.
"Just don't go" said Tommy. "Stop at home".

He put his hand in his pocket and took out a £1.00 coin and put it on the table.
"What are you going to do with that, are you going to make it disappear?" asked Steve.
"Yes" replied Tommy, "I'm going to spend it when I go shopping." "But the trick" said Slugger. "I didn't say I was going to do a trick"
answered Tommy. "I just said 'Here's something I'd picked up'. I found this coin in an amusement arcade in Ingoldmells. It was right
on the top of the 'Laughing Policeman' machine at the back. I could see it being tall but I couldn't reach it. So I climbed up the machine.
And then it fell over. The policeman wasn't very happy about it." "I'm not surprised" said Steve, "It probably broke the figure."
"No, the figure was alright" replied Tommy, "But the machine fell on a constable's foot who happened to be passing by.
Ha Ha Ha."
"Well if you'll excuse us Tommy" said the Colonel, "We have to start work now. Would you like to join us, see what we do."

"Of course, but before we start work" said Tommy, "How about we go in the sitting room and have a warm in the central heating."
" 'Fraid we don't have central heating Mr Cooper" replied the Colonel, "Not unless you put a hot water bottle in the middle of the room.
We don't have any mod cons here. No gas or electricity." "Oh well, we'll just have to watch the t.v. by candlelight tonight" sighed Tommy.

"So how's everyone getting on?" asked the Colonel later that afternoon. "Well when he arrived" answered Dora, "He didn't know
the back end of a horse from the front." "Yeah" replied Ron, it was painful where 'ee was shoving the apples."
"So I put him with the donkeys" said Dora.
"Oh what a good idea" exclaimed the Colonel, "I thought he'd get on well with Ron and Slugger. Talking of which, where are they?".
"Last time I saw them" answered Steve, "Tommy was perfecting a magic trick, trying to make Ron vanish."
"That doesn't take much perfecting" replied The Colonel, "Just mention the word 'work' ".

"So have you enjoyed your time here Tommy" asked the Colonel the next day.
"Oh yes" replied Tommy,"But before I go here's a little trick I'd like to show you."

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Offline pete.r.

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Re: There's no business like show business
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2018, 05:21:41 PM »
Tommy took a pair of scissors  out of his pocket, "Right" he said, "I'll just cut your tie in half Colonel." "I'm sorry" replied the Colonel,
"But this is my favourite tie."
"These are my favourite scissors" said Tommy,"But I don't mind." "Just send the cheque in the post " exclaimed the Colonel. "Please."
"I could cut the cheque in half" answered Tommy, "That works just just as good."
"No, just send the cheque as it is, in one piece and intact " replied the Colonel frantically.
"You mean like this" said Tommy, taking a cheque out of the Colonel's inside pocket, "This is for you, it's your payment from the agency."
"Good Lord" exclaimed the Colonel holding it up, "Thank you very much, you're very clever."

"How did you do that?" asked Slugger. Tommy put his hand inside Sluggers inside pocket and took out an imitation pension book
with Sluggers name on it. "Just like that" he said. "That's fantastic" replied Slugger holding it up.

"And now, just before I go, I'd like to perform my last trick for you" he said. "A masterly creation, my 'Tour De Force' ". Dora giggled.
"And for this trick" he continued, "We all need to go outside and stand under the Lightning Tree."
They all went out and stood under the tree.
"Right" said Tommy, "You've all seen magician's saw a lady in half." Dora took two steps backwards.
"I'm now going to perform a very difficult illusion" he said, holding a rubber saw in his hand. "I'm going to saw the Lightning Tree in half."
They all gasped, mockingly.
"And as this is a very dangerous trick" he continued, "I've taken safety precautions."
There was a small plastic box on the ground that said 'First Aid' on it. "Right" said Tommy, "I'll just put my hand on the tree trunk like
this .... or it could be like that" he said, altering his stance. Ha Ha Ha." He ran his fingers along the rubber saw. "Oh that's no good,
it's blunt" he said. He threw the saw over his shoulder, it soared into the tree hitting a large branch that was rotten at the end
where it was joined to the tree. "Now watch" said Tommy, "This is the dangerous bit."

He picked up a large rubber band saw that was lying on the floor and flexed it.
"Ouch!" he exclaimed as it flirted back and hit him on the chin. "I told you this was the dangerous bit."
Suddenly there was the sound of creaking timber. The rotting bough snapped off and the enormous branch came hurtling downwards
and crashed onto the ground a few inches from Tommy, smashing the First Aid box to bits.

The dust cleared to reveal Tommy standing there, his face a mixture of shock and bewilderment.
"Blimey" said Slugger, surveying the debris, damage and destruction, "I know 'ee said this trick was 'is 'Tour De Force' but I didn't
expect to see that much force."

Tommy picked up the remains of the First Aid box and staggered off towards a taxi that was waiting to take him home.
"I think I'll stick to doing tricks that are safe" he murmured, "Like setting fire to myself or getting shot out of a cannon."

                                                                               THE END

Cut out the strong to help the weak