Part 4
"For the next shoot we've converted the farm into a police station" explained David Hemmings, "Complete with a blue lamp with 'Police'
written on it above the farmhouse door. We're doing 'Carry on Constable." Kenneth Williams was sat at the desk wearing a police
sergeant's uniform. Wendy Richards dashed in wearing a skimpy skirt and a small top.
"You've got to help me" she blurted out, "I've been robbed."
"Oooh so I see madam" exclaimed Kenneth, "Don't worry, we'll soon get your clothes back."
"No" she answered, "Someone's taken my old bag." "I see" he replied, "Can you give me a description of your mother-in-law then?".
"No I can't give you a description of my mother-in-law" she said.
"That's not a problem" replied Kenneth, "I've got a photofit machine here we can use, we put photo's of two different people in it
and the machine mixes them up. Let's give it a go shall we?". Wendy nodded.
"What about this one, a combination of The Phantom of the Opera and Marylin Manson."
"No."
"Or this, Drakula and Michael Jackson."
"No."
"Or this one, Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notra Dame, with Marty Feldman."
"No."
"How about this one, Des O' Connor with Val Doonican."
"God, that's grotesque" said Wendy. "That's the one. Just a minute, what am I talking about. I havn't got a mother-in-law. I'm not
married. Oh for goodness sake, I've had my handbag stolen, all my valuables are in it"
"Can you give me a list of the valuables madam?" asked the police sergeant.
"Yes, there was a crimson lipstick, a mirror, mints, make-up kit, chocolate, sunglasses, moisturiser, lipgloss, pink lipstick, nailfile, pens,
perfume, deodorant, tissues, ruby lipstick, address book, comb, diary, torch and a scarlet lipstick."
"Could you be a bit more precise madam" asked Kenneth sarcastically.
"Yes, there were three pens" she replied.
"There seems a lot of lipsticks" exclaimed Kenneth, writing all the items down.
"Yes, I never know what colour suits me best" she replied, "I need something to match my personality."
"Have you tried harlequin hussy, tangerine trollop or sepia strumpet?" he asked.
"It's a good job for you I havn't got my handbag" replied Wendy, "Or I'd have hit you with it."
"Well it must be a very big bag" continued the Sergeant, "Can you describe it?. For instance, how deep is it."
"Oh I don't know" she replied, "It's as big as a man's thingy". And it's bright pink and purple."
"Well it would be" replied Kenneth.
"I'm talking about my handbag".
"So it's as big as a mans thingy" said Kenneth Williams.
"Put that down as twelve inches then" said Frankie Howard walking by. Kenneth Williams looked astonished.
"Ooh" said Wendy Richards to Frankie, "What are you doing tonight, handsome?".
"I'm going to my weekly meeting" he answered. "And what meeting's that" replied Wendy.
"It's for people who overestimate, romanticise, overalaborate and magnify eherything" he exclaimed.
"I might have known" she sighed. "Just a minute" shouted Wendy, "There's the man who stole my handbag" she said looking out of
the window. It was Steve, he was playing the villain. He had the bag open and was combing his hair in the mirror. Then he started
eating the chocolate.
"After him lads" shouted Kenneth Williams. Four bobbies suddenly appeared, Charles Hawtrey, Sid James, Bernard Bresslaw and Jack
Douglas, all chasing Steve round the yard blowing their whistles. Steve headed towards the woods, they all followed, bumbling
and floundering behind him. "Don't worry Miss" said Kenneth, as Bernard Bresslaw and Jack Douglas bumped into with each other, the
pair of them crashing to the ground and bringing down Charles Hawtrey and Sid James with them.
"My men are highly trained, professional, accomplished seasoned policemen."
"They're certainly seasoned" she replied, "In fact they've seen too many seasons, they're decrepid, doddering old morons."
"Well thank you" replied the sergeant "For your confidence in my force. We'll be in touch."
"Or we'd like to be" said Leslie Phillips, stroking his moustache, his eyes on her bottom as she walked off.
Meanwhile Bert the local constable rode into Follyfoot on his bike. He had no idea they were filming there.
He parked his bicycle against the Lightning Tree. "Hey you there" shouted Kenneth Williams. Bert looked up, flabbergasted.
"Me?" he exclaimed.
"Yes you. You're supposed to be a policeman, a member of Her Majesty's constabulory. Look at the state of you. Straighten your tie,
fasten your shirt button, comb your hair. The only good thing about you is your boots are nice and clean. That's better, we'll make a
policeman of you yet." "Yes sergeant" replied a baffled Bert. "Right, if you go inside Terry Scott and Jim Dale are waiting for you for
the next scene."
"Are they?" asked a perplexed Bert. "Blimey" he said to himself as he walked under the blue police light and through the door,
"No one told me they'd rehoused the police station."
Terry and Jim were inside passing the time of day whilst the cameramen and actors were filming in the woods. Bert walked in.
"Crikey" he said looking round the room, "Who'd have thought it used to be the Colonel's study. Hello I'm Bert, you must be Terry
and Jim." "Yes" they replied. "What are you doing tonight Terry?" asked Jim Dale. "Oh nothing much Jim" he answered, "A Chinese
chicken takeaway in front of the telly. "That sounds nice" said Bert, "I love Chinese food."
"Oh it's not for me" replied Terry, "It's for the dog. Me and the wife are on a diet. It was the wife's idea." "Oh dear" exclaimed Bert.
"Yes" said Terry, "We tried several diets." "What were they then?" asked Bert.
"First we went on the Cambridge Diet" said Terry.
"Did you lose any pounds?".
"Oh loads, It was costing us twenty quid a day to get a taxi to Cambridge. Then we did the Diet in a Bottle diet."
"Any good" asked Bert.
"No, apparently 8 lagers a day doesn't help you lose weight. Then we tried the Stillman Diet."
"And?".
"Stillfat."
"Then we tried the South Beach Diet."
"How was that?".
"Too much sand in our food."
"Then we tried the Banana Diet" said Terry.
"Did you lose any weight?" asked Bert.
"No, but you ought to see us climb trees now."
"Then finally we tried the Cabbage soup Diet."
"How did that go?".
"Straight through us like water. Not good when you're climbing trees."
"So what are you doing later Bert?" asked Terry Scott. "Nothing much" he replied, "Going home to see my little old lady, she's ironing
my shirts tonight. There's a pile of them to do. She does it just wearing her stockings and suspenders."
"Crikey!" exclaimed Jim Dale, "That sounds exciting."
"Not really" replied Bert, "A shirts a shirt, once you've seen one ironed you've seen 'em all. Then afterwards she cleans my boots. I
like my boots to be clean, I like to be able to see my face in them."
" 'Ere" said Jim, "Stockings and suspenders eh, I bet that's not all you see in them. Know what I mean?".
"Well I must admit" said Bert....."Yes?" said a frenzied Jim.
"If you look really hard you can just about make out the moon."
"Blimey" said Terry Scott, "She must put a lot of polish on them for you to see that. And is she bending over?".
"I don't know replied Bert, I'm outside looking at the night sky."
All went quiet.
"And then afterwards she makes my tea and we watch the telly. Dixon of Dock Green's on tonight, it's quite good. Mind you, you can
tell they're not real policemen, you can tell they're only actors. I can always tell when people are acting."
Suddenly the Colonel walked through the door. "Oh hello Bert" he said. "Colonel" replied Bert, what are you doing here?"
"Oh I'm here in a sort of advisory capacity" he replied, "Anything they need to know they can come to me for advice."
"Oh I see" answered Bert. "Yes, at the moment most of the force are in the woods chasing Steve" said the Colonel.