Author Topic: What a Carry On  (Read 3134 times)

Offline pete.r.

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What a Carry On
« on: February 26, 2017, 05:19:41 PM »
                                                           What a Carry On

A story in four parts

Part 1

The Colonel stood in the yard puffing on his pipe. "What a beautiful day" he exclaimed, "Nice and peaceful, just the
birds singing and the relaxing sound of horses hooves clip-clopping. Wonderful."
"UUURGH" came a wrenching sound from one of the stables. "And Ron coughing his guts up" said Slugger.
Suddenly two coaches pulled into the yard. One was full of cameramen and equipment. The other was full of actors.
They all trundled across the yard. "Good morning" said the Colonel, "can I help you?". "Yes" answered Bernard Bresslaw,
a very tall man that sounded like his voice was coming from his boots. "This is Fillyfoal farm isn't it?".
" 'Fraid not" replied Steve, "This is Follyfoot farm, you've got the wrong place."
"Cor blimey" said Sid James, "We've been looking for it for hours, do you kmow where it is?".
"Never heard of it" said Dora, "It's not round here."
" 'Ere, stop messing about" said Kenneth Williams in a nasal voice.
"We ain't messin' about" said Slugger, "Fillyfoal farm we've never 'eard of."

A smart man in check jacket and cream flannels walked over. "I'm David Hemmings" he exclaimed, "I'm a director and
these are all my actors, we're supposed to be filming some 'Carry On' scenes at Fillyfoal farm, it doesn't seem to exist."
"Sorry we can't help you" said the Colonel. "Actually you can" replied Mr Hemmings, "How about you let us do the
filming here, it looks the ideal place." "I'm sorry" the Colonel answered, as everyone bungled around, "I can't allow
that in any way, shape or form. This is a home of rest for horses not an asylum for deranged, disturbed lunatics."
Ron stood doing a guitar impression with his rake, steaming hot turds stuck to it, wailing "Red hot Mama."
"I pay a thousand pounds a day" replied David Hemmings.
"When can you start?" asked the Colonel.
"Straight away" he replied, "We'll be here for a couple of days. Oh, and can we use your staff as extras if that's o.k. We'll give them
a pony a day each."
"No fanks, we've got enough ponies as it is 'ere" moaned Slugger. He means £25 each a day" said Steve. "Thought you'd know
that Slugger, it's cockney rhyming slang."
"Load of Eartha Kitt" muttered Slugger.

"Fantastic" said Dora, "We can use the money. But where will you all sleep?".
"Oh we'll find somewhere" said a rather large woman, Hattie Jacques. "For instance" she said, looking at Steve, "I wouldn't mind
sharing your bed." "Blimey" exclaimed Ron, "Steve's only got a single, she wouldn't even fit in a double.
"Did you say something?" she replied.
"Er...just saying, my name's Ron, no trouble."
"Oh hello" said a thin man wearing spectacles. It was Charles Hawtrey. "And do you have a bed I could share dear?".
"Certainly not" exclaimed Dora.
"Actually I was talking to Ron" said Charles.

"That looks a nice settee" said Sid James with a dirty laugh, "I bags that one for me and Babs Windsor."
"Ooh" said Barbara, "I hope you've been rehearsing your 'Carry on Dick.' "
"I will do when we get on the sofa" he answered.
"Ooh missus" said Frankie Howard, looking at Bab's cleavage. "Titter ye not."

"Yes well" said the Colonel, "I think all the men should sleep in one coach and all the women in the other."
"Spoilsport" said Sid James.
"Which coach do I go in" asked Charles Hawtrey, carrying his knitting in a plastic bag.
"I'll give it a go" said Kenneth Williams, "I'll give it my best shot." "Hope not" said a nervous Kenneth Connor, straightening his tie.
"Whey-hey" shouted Jack Douglas, holding onto his cap as he fell over the settee and crashed into Wendy Richards knocking her
to the ground, her legs flailing in the air. Suddenly the doorbell rang.
"Ding-dong" said Leslie Phillips, viewing Wendy's uncompromising position.

June Whitfield and Terry Scott were at the door. "We fell asleep on the back seat of the bus" said June. "Sorry, have we missed
anything?". "You might not have done but Terry certainly has" replied Sid, "Look, Bernard Bresslaw's eyes are bulging."
"It's not only his eyes" exclaimed Charles Hawtrey, cleaning his glasses.
"Oh for Heaven's sake" bellowed the Colonel, "Can we have some sense of normality please?".
"This is normal" replied Frankie Howard. "Here Wendy, let me help you up" said Jim Dale, taking hold of her hands and pulling her up.
"At last a gentleman" said Wendy, "Thank you Jim. "That's alright" he replied, "I've played a doctor in 'Carry On' films before, the
female body doesn't phase me out at all, I keep cool calm and collected and take it all in my stride."

Unfortunately Bernard Bresslaw's size 14 foot was stood on Wendy's skirt, as she stood up her skirt was ripped off and lay on the floor.
"Wow" shouted an excited Jim Dale, "Look at that..." "Do something" shouted the Colonel. Jack Douglas put his cap in the best
place to spare her blushes. "Thank gawd for that" said Slugger. Suddenly Jack Douglas went "Whey hey", his arms shot up and his
cap was flung across the room. Wendy ran out into the back room screaming.
"Blimey" exclaimed Ron, "That's what happens when you lose your Tam O' Shanter.
"I wouldn't know" said Hattie Jacques.

"As I was saying" said June, "Sorry we're late. "I'm not" replied a perspiring Terry Scott.
"Just a minute June" said Sid, "You've only got one stocking on. Where's the other one?".
"It's hanging out of his pocket" exclaimed Frankie Howard. "Quick, let me see" said an eager Charles Hawtrey.
"We're talking about June's stocking" said Sid, "Calm down Charlie boy. "So why's it in your pocket Terry?" asked Frankie Howard,
"Are you going to rob a bank?". "Are well you see" replied June, "I thought the fan belt on the bus might snap so I took a stocking off
and gave it to Terry to use in case it did." "Yes" said Terry, "That's right."
"I gave him one" said June.
"Ooh, 'ere, no madam please" replied Frankie Howard. "Yes, I once had to take a stocking off in an emergency" said Hattie Jacques.
"Blimey" replied Slugger, "What were you travellin' in, a Jumbo Jet?".

David Hemmings came into the room with some of the crew. "Right" he said, "We're all set up for the first shot. We're doing it outside.
Oh, by the way, what provisions have you made for us in the way of breakfast and dinner Colonel?".
"You'll need to talk to Slugger about that" he replied, "He's my Sioux Chef."
"Don't you mean Sous Chef" said David.
"No, I mean Sioux, Slugger's food is very similar to what the native American Indians used to eat."
"And what's that" asked Julian the cameraman. "Stew" exclaimed the Colonel. "They used to eat buffalo and bear stew. Of course,
Slugger's stew's a bit more basic, just beef."
"Yeah" said Ron, "We don't get many bears or buffalo in Yorkshire."

"What's for breakfast?" asked David. "Bacon an' eggs replied Slugger, "Eggs is good for you eggs is."
"Are the eggs poached?".
"No, I bought 'em meself from the supermarket.
"And is the bacon lean?".
"It's so lean the pig kept fallin' over" replied Slugger.

"Any chance of us having cereals" said Frankie Howard.
"Yeah- no chance" answered Slugger.
"Oh please yourself" drawled Frankie.
"Do you serve ground coffee" asked Leslie Phillips.
"Only when I've dropped it on the floor" exclaimed Slugger.
"And can you make crepe pancakes" asked Jim Dale. "Everything Slugger makes is crap" said Ron.
"Do we get a choice at dinner" enquired Hattie Jacques. "Yes, take it or leave it. It's stew" replied Slugger.
"That's 40 stews then" said David Hemmings.
Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: What a Carry On
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2017, 05:59:18 PM »
"Blimey, 40 stews" replied Slugger, "I 'ain't used to cookin that many, I'll 'ave to stagger dinner."
"What times the first sitting then?" asked David Hemmings.
"8.30 a.m."

"And do we get desserts" asked Jim Dale. "Oh yeah, if you eat Slugger's stew you'll get your just desserts" said Ron.
"So would you serve Peach Melba" asked Barbara Windsor?.
"Oh yeah, we'd serve anybody" replied Slugger.
"And do you have any 'orses douvres" asked Bernard Bresslaw.
"Well yes we do" answered Slugger, "But we normally bag it up and sell it as manure."
"I think what Bernard means is Hors D'Oeuvres" said Dora, "Food that's a little different."
"Oh Slugger's food's definitely a little different" said Steve.
"No, what we mean is something that, how can I put it, rises to the occasion" said Kenneth Williams.
Hattie Jacques put her hand on Kenneth's thigh. "I don't think they'll be any problems in that department" she replied.
"Ooh matron" exclaimed a horrified Kenneth Williams. Barbara Windsor giggled.
"Nay, nay and thrice nay" said Frankie Howard. Sid James cackled.

"So we just need to work out a price for Slugger's food" explained David Hemming's.
"Well I thought 50p per person per day" said Dora.
"Well I must say that seems very reasonable" said David Hemming's.
"Yes, it's all we can  afford to pay you" replied Ron.

To be continued.........

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: What a Carry On
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2017, 03:37:56 PM »
Part 2

Everyone went outside for the first shoot. "Now, in this scene from 'Carry On Camping' " explained David Hemmings, "Babs Windsor,
Patsy Rowlands, June Whitfield and Wendy Richards are all lined up wearing bikinis doing aerobic exercises."
"Just a minute" said Hattie Jacques, "What about me?".
"Sorry darling" said Julian the cameraman, "But there's only so much we can get on a wide angle lens."
"Well if you don't get me in on this shot" said Hattie, lifting her knee up, "You're going to find the mounting head on your tripod is
going to be very sore and unusable for several weeks." They all lined up, including Hattie.

"Right" said David, "What's going to happen is this. Whilst doing her exercises Babs bikini top is going to fly off revealing everything.
Then she covers her top up with her hands. Any volunteers?".
The Colonel, Slugger, Ron and Steve all shot their hands up instantly.
"Oh sorry" exclaimed David Hemmings looking at his script, "This shoot is down to be filmed elsewhere."
There was a loud groan heard as far away as Leeds.
"But seeing as we're all ready we'll do it here" said David.
There was a loud cheer heard by most of Yorkshire, the men all jumping around for joy.
They all lined up. The Colonel and Slugger had their glasses on. "Now, this is how it works" said David. "Attached to Babs top is a
very fine elastic line the camera can't see. As you're at the end of the line Ron you hold the other end and when I shout 'Pull' you
pull the line as hard as you can. Ready?".
"Yes" replied Ron.

"Right" said David, "I'll just pull up a chair and sit down." Ron heard the word 'Pull' so he pulled hard. Babs top flew off and wrapped
itself round Ron's head.
"I wasn't ready" shouted Babs. "David, I wasn't ready."
"I know darling" he replied, "I wasn't ready either. I didn't have time to get my binoculars in focus."
"Blimey" said Steve. "Crikey" said Slugger. They all got an eyeful. "I've heard of keeping abreast of the situation" exclaimed the
Colonel, "But this is ridiculous." Suddenly Bab's realised and covered herself up. Ron got an eyeful too. Of her bikini top. He was
wrestling with it trying to get the top off him. He was like a blinkered horse.
"I didn't see anything" he complained, eventually ripping the top off.  Steve, the Colonel and Slugger all stood there starry eyed as
if in a trance.
"I missed all that" said an annoyed Ron, throwing the top to the ground.

"We'll have to take 2" said David, "No one was ready." The boys all lined up again.
" 'Ere" said Ron, "I'm not standing at the end again, you can go there this time Steve, I'll stand to your left next to you."
Steve took the line. "Everyone ready?" asked David. The Colonel and Slugger finished cleaning their glasses. "Yes" they all replied.
The girls all lined up, Hattie Jacques could just be seen in the background.
"And pull."
Steve yanked the line. The top flew off. But just then a moderate south westerly wind blew up and caught hold of it, deviating it's
flight path about five degrees. It slapped Ron in the face again. The boys all cheered whilst Babs covered up.

"I didn't see anything" said Ron, "I've missed it again." He grappled with the 36c as if it were a Boa Constrictor before hurling it to
the ground. "I'm standin' at the other end this time" said Ron.
"Sorry" replied the producer, "That shoots finished now, we're going on to the next one."
"Marvellous innit" said Ron. "Still, could've been worse " said Steve. "Could it?" answered Ron.
"Corset could" exclaimed Slugger, "Could 'ave been Hattie Jacques top. That would've taken your 'ead off Ron."

"Right, this next shoot is a cowboy scene for 'Carry on Cowboy' " said David Hemmings. "We'll need to borrow two horses. It's a
gunfight scene between the goodie, Charles Hawtrey, who plays Slow Hand Luke and the baddie, Sid James, who plays Dangerous
Dick. Dora, you help Charles onto your horse and Steve, you help Sid on yours. You ride towards each other, then you help them off
the horses, it's edited so you won't be seen. Then the gunfight starts. Ron, Slugger and the Colonel, you're onlookers together with
some of the other cast, get your cowboy outfits on. Right, help them on their horses please."

"Couldn't Steve help me on mine" said Charles, "He has such strong hands."
"And I prefer Dora helping me" exclaimed Sid with a lewd laugh.
"Which is exactly why we're doing it this way" said the producer, so you behave yourselves."
"Have you ever ridden a horse before?" asked Dora.
"No" replied Charles, "I've never ridden anything. More's the pity."
"I'll help you on Copper" Dora answered. "Put your foot in the stirrup. That's it. Now, let's just ease you in the saddle."
"Oooh" exclaimed Charles.
"Are you alright?" asked Dora.
"Oh yes dear" he replied, "I'm just not used to a young lady tinkering with my pistol, I hope it doesn't go off."
"Not much chance of that" muttered Frankie Howard who was watching.
"Well it looks in very good condition" said Dora, "It's obviously been well looked after." "That's what all the boys say" replied Charles.
"I like to keep my equipment in good working order, you never know when you might need it" he continued.
"So why do they call you Slow Hand Luke" asked Dora as they walked along, "Is it because you're not very quick at cocking your trigger?".
"Well I've never had any complaints before" he said.

"So what part are you playing?" asked Dora. "I'm the Deputy Sheriff" he replied, "Look, here's my star" he said opening his jacket.
"It's very small" said Dora, "I can hardly see the point. Actually" she said, peering at it, "I can see five points. And it's very shiny, you
must have to give it a lot of attention to get it to look like that."
"Oh yes dear, I do" he replied.
Suddenly a loud rasping PHHHHHHRT sound could be heard.
"Oh I'm so sorry" said Dora, looking at Copper, "He probably tried to keep it in."
"He did better than me then" answered Charles, "I couldn't."
"So where's the Sheriff" asked Dora. "He's in Tombstone City" he replied, "Seeing a man about his dyslexia."
"What's his name?".
"What a twerp."

Steve led Sid out on Alex. He was dressed in all black with a heavy belt full of bullets and a pair of Smith and Wesson guns. He got
off his horse. Steve led Alex away. Dora, with a struggle, got Charles off Copper and led him away too. Dangerous Dick and Slow Hand
Luke faced each other across the yard. All went silent. They slowly walked towards each other but Dangerous Dick's belt was so
heavy his trousers started falling down and were around his knees. He stood there in his shirt and underpants.
"Blimey" said Bernard Bresslaw, "I see how he got his nickname now."
The Colonel covered Dora's eyes with his hands.
Hattie Jacques covered Frankie Howard's eyes with her hands.
Barbara Windsor and Wendy Richards sniggered.
"I'm ready when you are Luke" said Dangerous.
"Yes, I can see that" replied Charles Hawtrey.

They didn't take their eyes off each other. Sid went for where he thought his gun was, and frantically began searching around.
"He can't find his weapon" said Jim Dale.
"I never had that problem" said Barbara Windsor.
"Ooh I say" said Kenneth Connor.
"That's me done" said a perspiring Sid James, "I've fired my last salvo."
"Yes, I can vouch for that" replied Charles Hawtrey.

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: What a Carry On
« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2017, 04:32:43 PM »
"Oh for goodness sake" said David Hemmings, "We'll have to do this scene again."
"Not me" answered Sid James, his trousers now round his ankles, "I'm worn out, I'm going for a lie down." And off he waddled.
" 'Ere" shouted Ron, "I've always wanted to be a cowboy, I've read loads of cowboy magazines, can I do the gunfight scene with Luke?".
"O.k." said David Hemmings, "We'll give it a go." Ron was dressed as a cowboy being an extra. They handed him a gun and holster.
"Right....Action." Ron and Luke faced each other. They went for their guns. Slow Hand Luke, true to his name, was as slow as a snail.
Ron meanwhile had drawn his gun and was spinning it round on his index finger very professionally. He fired a shot but unfortunately
the gun wasn't pointing at Luke, it was pointing to the ground.
"Aarggh" shouted Ron as he went crashing to the floor.
"Blimey" exclaimed Slugger, "Ron's shot 'imself in the foot."
"And not for the first time in his life" replied Steve.

Ron lay prone on the ground, his boot smouldering. The camera panned to Slow Hand Luke who hadn't fired a shot. He slowly took
the gun from his holster and blew across the end of the barrel and smiled.
"Brilliant" enthused David Hemmings, stepping over Ron. "Well done everyone, that was a great shot, literally. It'll be perfect when
it's edited. A great day's work" he said.

"I don't think Ron will think it's a great day's work" exclaimed Slugger, "First he had his his right eye almost taken out and then his left
foot got blown up. 'Ere, do you fink 'ee can claim compensation Colonel?".
"No, I don't think so" replied a thoughtful Colonel puffing on his pipe. "I don't think our house insurance covers us for gunfights."
Babs Windsor rushed up to Ron and bent over him, wearing a low cut top. "Are you alright?" she asked.
Ron opened his eyes and looked up at her, squinting.
" I'm not" he said......."I can see double."

To be continued.........

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: What a Carry On
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2017, 04:08:35 PM »
Part 3

"Right, the next scene is done in a doctors surgery" said David Hemmings, "It's for 'Carry on Doctor'. We've set the Colonel's study
up to look like one. And the kitchen is the waiting room, we've set all the chairs out." " 'Ere Ron, why don't you sit in the waiting
room" said Slugger, "With your eye patch on and foot all bandaged up it it'll look more authentic." "Excellent idea" replied the producer. "And try to look in pain." "What do you mean try" exclaimed Ron, "I am in pain. Aaargh" he cried out as Steve stamped on his foot.
"That's much better" said the producer. "You'd make a good actor Ron."

"Right, you all know your lines and....action Julian please."
Sid James walked in wearing a smart dark suit and tie and a white shirt with a stethoscope round his neck.
"Next patient please Nurse Payne" he said. "Certainly doctor" replied Hattie Jacques, wearing a dark blue nurses uniform and white
hat. She brought in Barbara Windsor who was wearing, or rather only just wearing, a short dress.
"Thank you nurse" he said, "Good morning, my name's Dr Lance Boyle, how can I help you?".
"My boyfriend and me are having problems sleeping at night" she giggled. "I wonder why" he exclaimed, with a cackling laugh.
"No, it's the haemorrhoids that's causing the problem" she replied.
"Oh I see" he answered, "Well if you go behind that screen and take off all your clothes we'll see if we can get to the bottom of it."
"I'm ready" she shouted a few seconds later. "Blimey, that didn't take long" said Dr Boyle.
"Well there wasn't much for her to take off" commented Hattie Jacques.
"Right" said Sid James, putting on a pair of blue latex gloves, "I'll just...oh, what should I call you?".
"Iva Goodbody" she replied.
"Yes I can see that" said the doctor, "But what's your name?". "That is my name" she said, "Iva Goodbody."
"Right Miss Goodbooby,, I mean Goodbody, I just need to do a little examination, Nurse Payne here will assist."

"Oooh" said Barbara, "Your hands are cold Doctor."
"That's not the doctors hands" exclaimed Nurse Payne, "That's the ice cubes I've taken out of his gin and tonic, I put too many in."
"Well couldn't you have found somewhere else to put them"  answered Miss Goodbody.
"Oh Doctor Boyle likes something cool to slip into occasionally" replied the nurse. "Think yourself lucky it wasn't a Babycham, we'd
have had the cherry and stick to dispose of."
"Well, everything seems in order Miss Goodyear" said the doctor a few minutes later.
"Body" she replied, "It's Goodbody."
"Oh yes of course" he chortled, "How could I forget. Still, I expect it was a good year."

"Well I'm pleased to say" he continued, "You havn't got haemorrhoids." "I know" she replied, "It's my boyfriend that's got them."
"Well why didn't you tell me" said the Doctor, "That was a waste of a pair of rubber gloves. Oh I don't know, I could always take
them home for the wife to wash her hair with" he said. "I think I need a cocktail."
"Shall I lie down on the couch again then doctor?" asked Barbara.
"No, that'll be all Miss Goodbooty, er, I mean ...goodness me. Good Heavens. Where was I?. So it's your boyfriend that keeps you
awake at night" exclaimed the doctor.
"Yes, he's always moaning."
"I'm not surprised."
"Because of the haemorrhoids, cheeky. He's in the waiting room. His name's Caddy."
"Does he play golf then?".
"No" she replied.

"Would Caddy please come into the doctors surgery" said Nurse Payne.
" 'Ere, what about me" shouted Ron, who'd poured a bottle of tomato ketchup over his bandaged foot. "I should be next."
"Why, what's wrong with you" asked the nurse.
"I think I've broken my nose" he replied, laughing.
Nurse Payne smashed Ron with a left uppercut that Henry Cooper would have been proud of. He keeled onto the floor.
"Yes I think you have" she said.

"Would Caddy please come into the surgery" repeated Nurse Payne.
Slugger walked in. "Right then" said the doctor, "I'll just...Blimey" he said, looking at Slugger and then at Miss Goodbody. "Still, it
takes all sorts. If you just go behind that curtain and take your bottom clothes off I'll give you an internal examination."
"Is that really necessary?" asked Slugger, "I've only come....." "Yes it is necessary" replied the doctor.
"He seems an awfully long time" said Nurse Payne 5 minutes later, are you alright?".
"I'm just struggling wif me long johns" shouted Slugger. "How long does it take to take a pair of long johns off?" she asked.
"I've got three pairs on" he replied, "And two pairs of underpants. Can't be too careful me mum used to say. Always wear clean undies, you never know if you're going to be run over by a bus."
"Well, with all that padding on it shouldn't do too much damage if you are" replied the nurse.

"Right, I'm ready.".
Doctor Boyle and Nurse Payne went behind the screen. "Pass me that long pole with the nail sticking out the end would you nurse?"
asked the doctor. "Blimey" said Slugger shaking, "You're not going to use that on me are you?".
"No" exclaimed Dr Boyle, clipping the pole on a bracket on the wall and hanging his jacket on the nail on the end of it.
"It's a home made coat hanger" he said. "I just like seeing the expressions on my patients faces when I get it out. Well" said the
doctor a few minutes later, "I've just examined your boyfriend Caddy and he hasn't got heamorrhoids either."
"He's not my boyfriend" she replied.
"And my names not Caddy" said Slugger.
"Then what are you doing here?" asked Doctor Boyle.
"I'm a taxi driver" he replied, "I came here to do a pick up, the nurse came to the waiting room and shouted Cabby, the doctor wants
to see you." "I distinctly said Caddy" answered Nurse Payne, "I said the doctor wants to see you about your jacksy."
"Oh I thought you said taxi" replied Slugger, "I couldn't here properly with all the commotion going off in the waiting room."
"So there was nothing wrong with your buttocks then" said the doctor.
"Not until a few minutes ago" said Slugger, grimacing.

"Will Caddy please come into the doctors surgery" shouted Nurse Payne, ushering Slugger out.
Ron sat there in all his bandages, he didn't utter a word. A tall man entered the room, it was Bernard Bresslaw.
"Blimey, how tall are you?" asked the doctor.
"6ft 7" doc" he replied.
"And how tall are you Miss Goodbody?".
"4ft 11" she said.
"Oh well, it's not all couples that see eye to eye. Now, your name is Caddy?" asked Dr Boyle.
"Yes, Tobias Caddy."
"I'll just make a note of that, Mr T. Caddy. Well, thanks to you" said the doctor, "I'm sorely behind and everything's piling up."
"I know the feeling doc" replied Caddy, "That's why I've come to see you. Do you want to examine me?".
"Why not?".
"Because my examination couch isn't long enough. What I want you to do is get plenty of exercise and eat lots of fresh fruit and
vegetables for the next three weeks."
" 'Ere, will that cure me doc" asked Bernard Bresslaw?".
"No, but by that time a new longer examination couch should have arrived" said Dr Boyle. "Next patient please."

"We have a young lady in the waiting room who's boyfriend's got her into trouble" exclaimed Nurse Payne.
"Tell her to come back in nine months" replied the doctor, "And bring some blankets. I've got plenty of hot water."
"No you don't understand" she said, "This young lady needs help urgently."
"Is she under 6ft tall?".
"Bring her in then."
Dora walked into the room. She had a bucket stuck on her head."Apparently" explained Nurse Payne, "This young lady was cleaning
a window when her boyfriend, standing on a stepladder, accidentally dropped his bucket on her."

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: What a Carry On
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2017, 05:02:14 PM »
"What's your name?" asked the doctor.
"Hmm....We seem to have an echo" he replied. "Still, it's not as bad as the one we had with that taxi driver. Now Dora, if you'll just
sit here and lower your head....just a little more....perfect" he said placing his notebook on top of the bucket, "It's just the right
height for me to take notes now. A couple of questions. Are you eating properly?".
"I was until I got this bucket stuck on my head" she replied.
"And why didn't you phone the fire brigade?".
"I couldn't see to dial the number" answered Dora.
"Well it's not all bad news" said the Doctor, "The bucket's galvanised so it won't rust."
"She looks a little pail to me doctor" said Nurse Payne smiling. "Just leave the jokes to me nurse" said Sid James.

"I think this calls for drastic action" exclaimed the doctor, "Pass me my can opener out of the bottom drawer please nurse."
"AAARGH" came a stifled scream from the bucket. "No need to be alarmed dear" he replied, "I'm just going to open a tin of corned
beef for my lunch, I'm starving. Now, let's have a think. Have you ever thought of joining a steel drum band?" asked the doctor.
Dora shook her head. The bucket made a funny rattling sound and then flew off into the air.
"Doctor Boyle, can I call you Lance?" asked Nurse Payne. "You've done it. Oh isn't he a clever doctor" she said, "I've always admired

Suddenly the bucket came down and landed on the doctors head and stuck solid.
"Hey, it's Ned Kelly" exclaimed Dora.
"I can't get it off" he cried out, "Help, help!". Nurse Payne tried but couldn't shift it.
"Shall I use your can opener" said Dora, "It's nice and sharp."
"No, no!" he screamed, "Not the can opener."
"I just thought I'd open your corned beef for you" said Dora, "Although it's a bit difficult to eat with a bucket stuck on your head. A
shame you're starving. Hey you were right" said Dora, playing a drum roll on it, "I should've joined a steel drum band.
Oh, and don't worry, it's galvanised so it won't go rusty. See you."

And off she went.

To be continued.........

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: What a Carry On
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2017, 04:09:51 PM »
Part 4

"For the next shoot we've converted the farm into a police station" explained David Hemmings, "Complete with a blue lamp with 'Police'
written on it above the farmhouse door. We're doing 'Carry on Constable." Kenneth Williams was sat at the desk wearing a police
sergeant's uniform. Wendy Richards dashed in wearing a skimpy skirt and a small top.
"You've got to help me" she blurted out, "I've been robbed."
"Oooh so I see madam" exclaimed Kenneth, "Don't worry, we'll soon get your clothes back."
"No" she answered, "Someone's taken my old bag." "I see" he replied, "Can you give me a description of your mother-in-law then?".
"No I can't give you a description of my mother-in-law" she said.
"That's not a problem" replied Kenneth, "I've got a photofit machine here we can use, we put photo's of two different people in it
and the machine mixes them up. Let's give it a go shall we?". Wendy nodded.

"What about this one, a combination of The Phantom of the Opera and Marylin Manson."
"Or this, Drakula and Michael Jackson."
"Or this one, Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notra Dame, with Marty Feldman."
"How about this one, Des O' Connor with Val Doonican."
"God, that's grotesque" said Wendy. "That's the one. Just a minute, what am I talking about. I havn't got a mother-in-law. I'm not
married. Oh for goodness sake, I've had my handbag stolen, all my valuables are in it"

"Can you give me a list of the valuables madam?" asked the police sergeant.
"Yes, there was a crimson lipstick, a mirror, mints, make-up kit, chocolate, sunglasses, moisturiser, lipgloss, pink lipstick, nailfile, pens,
perfume, deodorant, tissues, ruby lipstick, address book, comb, diary, torch and a scarlet lipstick."
"Could you be a bit more precise madam" asked Kenneth sarcastically.
"Yes, there were three pens" she replied.
"There seems a lot of lipsticks" exclaimed Kenneth, writing all the items down.
"Yes, I never know what colour suits me best" she replied, "I need something to match my personality."
"Have you tried harlequin hussy, tangerine trollop or sepia strumpet?" he asked.
"It's a good job for you I havn't got my handbag" replied Wendy, "Or I'd have hit you with it."

"Well it must be a very big bag" continued the Sergeant, "Can you describe it?. For instance, how deep is it."
"Oh I don't know" she replied, "It's as big as a man's thingy". And it's bright pink and purple."
"Well it would be" replied Kenneth.
"I'm talking about my handbag".
"So it's as big as a mans thingy" said  Kenneth Williams.
"Put that down as twelve inches then" said Frankie Howard walking by. Kenneth Williams looked astonished.
"Ooh" said Wendy Richards to Frankie, "What are you doing tonight, handsome?".
"I'm going to my weekly meeting" he answered. "And what meeting's that" replied Wendy.
"It's for people who overestimate, romanticise, overalaborate and magnify eherything" he exclaimed.
"I might have known" she sighed. "Just a minute" shouted Wendy, "There's the man who stole my handbag" she said looking out of
the window. It was Steve, he was playing the villain. He had the bag open and was combing his hair in the mirror. Then he started
eating the chocolate.

"After him lads" shouted Kenneth Williams. Four bobbies suddenly appeared, Charles Hawtrey, Sid James, Bernard Bresslaw and Jack
Douglas, all chasing Steve round the yard blowing their whistles. Steve headed towards the woods, they all followed, bumbling
and floundering behind him. "Don't worry Miss" said Kenneth, as Bernard Bresslaw and Jack Douglas bumped into with each other, the
pair of them crashing to the ground and bringing down Charles Hawtrey and Sid James with them.
"My men are highly trained, professional, accomplished seasoned policemen."
"They're certainly seasoned" she replied, "In fact they've seen too many seasons, they're decrepid, doddering old morons."
"Well thank you" replied the sergeant "For your confidence in my force. We'll be in touch."
"Or we'd like to be" said Leslie Phillips, stroking his moustache, his eyes on her bottom as she walked off.

Meanwhile Bert the local constable rode into Follyfoot on his bike. He had no idea they were filming there.
He parked his bicycle against the Lightning Tree. "Hey you there" shouted Kenneth Williams. Bert looked up, flabbergasted.
"Me?" he exclaimed.
"Yes you. You're supposed to be a policeman, a member of Her Majesty's constabulory. Look at the state of you. Straighten your tie,
fasten your shirt button, comb your hair. The only good thing about you is your boots are nice and clean. That's better, we'll make a
policeman of you yet." "Yes sergeant" replied a baffled Bert. "Right, if you go inside Terry Scott and Jim Dale are waiting for you for
the next scene."
"Are they?" asked a perplexed Bert. "Blimey" he said to himself as he walked under the blue police light and through the door,
"No one told me they'd rehoused the police station."

Terry and Jim were inside passing the time of day whilst the cameramen and actors were filming in the woods. Bert walked in.
"Crikey" he said looking round the room, "Who'd have thought it used to be the Colonel's study. Hello I'm Bert, you must be Terry
and Jim." "Yes" they replied.  "What are you doing tonight Terry?" asked Jim Dale. "Oh nothing much Jim" he answered, "A Chinese
chicken takeaway in front of the telly. "That sounds nice" said Bert, "I love Chinese food."
"Oh it's not for me" replied Terry, "It's for the dog. Me and the wife are on a diet. It was the wife's idea." "Oh dear" exclaimed Bert.

"Yes" said Terry, "We tried several diets." "What were they then?" asked Bert.
"First we went on the Cambridge Diet" said Terry.
"Did you lose any pounds?".
"Oh loads, It was costing us twenty quid a day to get a taxi to Cambridge. Then we did the Diet in a Bottle diet."
"Any good" asked Bert.
"No, apparently 8 lagers a day doesn't help you lose weight. Then we tried the Stillman Diet."
"Then we tried the South Beach Diet."
"How was that?".
"Too much sand in our food."
"Then we tried the Banana Diet" said Terry.
"Did you lose any weight?" asked Bert.
"No, but you ought to see us climb trees now."
"Then finally we tried the Cabbage soup Diet."
"How did that go?".
"Straight through us like water. Not good when you're climbing trees."

"So what are you doing later Bert?" asked Terry Scott. "Nothing much" he replied, "Going home to see my little old lady, she's ironing
my shirts tonight. There's a pile of them to do. She does it just wearing her stockings and suspenders."
"Crikey!" exclaimed Jim Dale, "That sounds exciting."
"Not really" replied Bert, "A shirts a shirt, once you've seen one ironed you've seen 'em all. Then afterwards she cleans my boots. I
like my boots to be clean, I like to be able to see my face in them."
" 'Ere" said Jim, "Stockings and suspenders eh, I bet that's not all you see in them. Know what I mean?".
"Well I must admit" said Bert....."Yes?" said a frenzied Jim.
"If you look really hard you can just about make out the moon."
"Blimey" said Terry Scott, "She must put a lot of polish on them for you to see that. And is she bending over?".
"I don't know replied Bert, I'm outside looking at the night sky."

All went quiet.
"And then afterwards she makes my tea and we watch the telly. Dixon of Dock Green's on tonight, it's quite good. Mind you, you can
tell they're not real policemen, you can tell they're only actors. I can always tell when people are acting."

Suddenly the Colonel walked through the door. "Oh hello Bert" he said. "Colonel" replied Bert, what are you doing here?"
"Oh I'm here in a sort of advisory capacity" he replied, "Anything they need to know they can come to me for advice."
"Oh I see" answered Bert. "Yes, at the moment most of the force are in the woods chasing Steve" said the Colonel.


Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: What a Carry On
« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2017, 05:37:35 PM »
"Chasing Steve" said Bert, "Blimey, what's he done?". "He stole a young lady's handbag" replied the Colonel.
"Well I never" exclaimed Bert.
"We know you didn't" said Terry Scott. "It was definitely Steve."
Dora came in. "Hello Bert" she said, "Have the police brought Steve back yet Uncle?". "No not yet" he replied, "Should be any minute now."
"Yes" said Dora, "They'll be dragging him by his shackles."
"Blimey, that sounds painful" said Bert.
Suddenly a man rushed in. "Quick" he said, "In the woods, there's a man in there." "Yes we know" said the Colonel, "It's Steve."
"He's got a gun and he's holding a woman hostage" continued the man. "That's not Steve" shouted Dora, "Quick, to the woods."

They all dashed to the woods. "There he is" exclaimed the man. He had hold of Barbara Windsor who'd been watching the filming, he
had a shotgun to her head. "Don't come any nearer" he yelled "Or I'll shoot."
Steve, the actors and cameramen were on their way back. "Look" whispered Steve, spotting what was happening, "Stop everyone,
be quiet." Steve crept forward slowly and silently, then leapt on the man's back. The gun went off, safely into the air, hitting a thick
branch that had already been damaged by recent winds. The branch came down and felled Ron who was standing beneath it.
"Blimey" said Slugger, "Ron 'ain't 'ad much luck lately."

Steve wrestled the gun off the man as Barbara escaped, a dozen policemen dived on top of him.
"Marvellous innit" groaned the man, "No wonder you can never find a copper when you want one."

That evening everyone sat round the table. "Well, what a day that's been" exclaimed the Colonel. The actors and film crew had all left.
There was a cheque on the table for two thousand pounds for the filming, plus fifty pounds in cash for the food.
"They said the food was excellent" said the Colonel. "What, Slugger's food excellent" replied Steve. "That's what I said" exclaimed the
Colonel. "The reply was 'Apparently you've never eaten in the BBC canteen."
"And there's also a cheque in the post for five hundred pounds" said Bert. "That man Steve caught was an escaped convict, there was
a reward for his capture. And the Chief Superintendent has recommended that Steve be awarded a medal for his bravery."
Everyone applauded Steve. He blushed. "And don't forget that to help keep it shiny you'll have to give it a lot of attention" said Dora.
Steve blushed even more.

"And I can't imagine I thought this was a real police station full of real policemen" said Bert.
"No, neither can I" replied the Colonel, shaking his head. "Still, everything's ended up perfect. Steve's very kindly donated his reward
money to the farm. Although I think some of it may have to be used to restock the first aid cupboard" he said, looking at Ron who
looked like an Egyptian mummy with all his bandages on.

"Yes, this money will help keep Follyfoot going for a long time" said the Colonel.
"So everyone........let's hope we can carry on being successful."

                                                                                       THE END

Cut out the strong to help the weak