Oh what a pantomime

[pete.r.]

                                                                             Oh what a pantomime
A story in four parts

PART I

"Oh for Heaven's sake Dora" said Pru, "Put your back into it girl." "She's working as hard as she can" said Arthur, "Aren't you darling."
"Yes" she replied, "That's the fourth stable I've mucked out this morning."
Her Jeans were all tatty and dirty and the old top she was wearing had seen better days.
"It's a good job I brought in Phyllis Wetherby to manage the farm and her sister Drizella to help" said Pru. "Did someone mention my
name" answered Phyllis walking into the stable. "This just isn't good enough Dora" she said, "You'll have to muck it out again."
"Yes" said Drizella, "I want to be able to see my face in it."
"Blimey"exclaimed Slugger, "She's the only one 'oo does then."
"Yeah, she's repugnant" said Ron.
"I never knew that" replied Slugger, "Oo's the father then?".
"What I mean" explained Ron, "Is she's really gruesome."
"Well she would 'ave" answered Slugger, "If she's expectin'."

"Ere" said Ron, puffing on a cigarette, "What an 'orrible name to call a woman."
"Yeah" said Slugger, "I never did like the name Phyllis." "She's really abhorent" exclaimed Ron."
"An' she ain't very pretty either" said Slugger.
"She ain't no woman either" remarked Ron, "She's an evil animal. She treats Dora rotten."
"Move yourselves you two" said Phyllis, "Dora needs to sweep up where you've been standing, right."
"And I expect any specks of fag ash to have disappeared" said Drizella, as Ron dropped his nub end on the floor and stood on it.
"Wish she'd disappear" muttered Slugger.
"Yeah" replied Ron, stamping viciously on the cigarette butt imagining it was Phyllis's head.

By the end of the day Dora was shattered. There was a knock at the door. "Answer that" cried out the ugly sisters.
Dora opened the door, Joe Rimmington stood there. "Hello Dora" he said, "Nice to see you again."
"Uncle Joe" exclaimed Dora, what are you doing here?".
"Well I want you to do me a favour" he replied, "I'm getting married next week."
"Oh that's good news" said Dora glumly.
"Yes, isn't it" said Uncle Joe. "I was wondering, I've bought a beautiful carriage to take my future wife on honeymoon with and a
gorgeous long dress for her to wear and a pair of glass slippers. Could I hide them here and pick them up next week" he asked, "I
want to surprise her."
"Yes of course" said Dora, "I'll hide them in one of the outhouses." "Thanks" he replied, "See you then."
"Who was that?" shouted Phyllis.
"Oh...er...just someone who'd lost their bearings and stopped to ask for directions" answered Dora.
"I expect it was that Dick Whittington and his cat looking for London" exclaimed Drizella."
"Oh I don't think so" said Dora, "I mean, London's nowhere near here. No one can get that lost."
"You know what men are like dear" said Phyllis, "They never stop to ask the way."

Slugger helped Dora hide the coach under the cover of darkness. They locked it up. Phyllis and Drizella didn't spot anything.
A shattered Dora went to bed.
"I say Drizella" said Phyllis the next evening, "I've just read in todays newspaper there's going to be a Christmas Ball held at
Tockwith tomorrow, all the eligible batchelors are going to be there planning to choose a wife, we must go."
"Oh yes we must" answered Drizella, "Let's go to our wardrobe and plan what to wear."
"They'll be some very rich Prince's there who'll be Heir sole to a fortune" said Phyllis.
"Don't you mean sole Heir" replied Drizella.
"I know what I mean" said Phyllis, "Most of them will be stupid jerks."

A tired worn out Dora said to them "Oh I'd love to go to the ball." "Don't be silly" exclaimed Phyllis, "You can't go, who'd want to
dance with a wretched servant like you." They went to their rooms. Dora cried. Slugger suddenly appeared.
"What's the matter girl?" he asked. "There's a Ball in town tomorrow night" she sobbed, "I'd love to go but the sisters don't want
me to, and besides, I've nothing to wear."
"Oh yes you have" replied Slugger. "You can wear that pretty dress that we're looking after for Uncle Joe if it fits, and the glass
slippers. And we can harness Copper up to the carriage and you can go in that. You shall go to the Ball."
"Oh thank you Slugs" replied Dora, "You're my Fairy Godmother." "Yeah" answered Slugger, "I'm your....eh?".

Slugger fetched the clothes. Dora tried them on in her room whilst the ugly sisters were busy in their rooms sorting out what to wear.
"What do you think Slugs?" she asked coming out of her bedroom.  All the clothes and slippers fitted perfectly.
"You look beautiful Dora" he replied. "Now look, Phyllis and her sister are going to the Ball tomorrow at 7.00 p.m. and they're coming
back just after midnight. As soon as they're gone we'll get your carriage sorted out, but you must leave at midnight. The sisters
mustn't know you've gone." " O.k. Slugger" she replied, "And thank you."

Next evening the sisters left for the Ball on time. Slugger got the carriage ready whilst Dora got dressed. And then she was off,
Copper strutting along. They soon arrived. Dora entered the dance room and all heads turned to look at her. The men were queueing
up to ask her to dance. "Jolly fine filly what, exclaimed Lord Beck." But one particular handsome young man in a dinner jacket caught
her eye and smiled. Dora returned the smile and they danced. They danced all night. Steve and Dora made a lovely couple. No one
entertained Phyllis and Drizella who were hugely jealous of Dora, who'm they didn't recognise in her gorgeous dress. On the stroke
of midnight the clock struck twelve. Dora suddenly remembered what Slugger had said, "I have to go Steve" she said and she
dashed out. She got in her carriage and quickly Copper galloped back to Follyfoot. In her hurry to get away she lost a glass slipper.
Steve ran outside but she'd gone. He picked up the slipper. His sad face looked into the night searching for his new love.
But she was nowhere to be seen.

"Blimey" said Slugger as Dora got back, "You cut that a bit fine girl." The carriage was put back and locked up.
"Oh Slugger, I've lost a slipper" she said.
"Gawd blimey, Uncle Joe won't be too 'appy about that" exclaimed Slugger, "Unless 'ees marrying Long John Silver."
"Oh I don't think so" replied Dora, "He's not that way inclined."
" 'Ow do you know" answered Slugger, " 'Is wooden leg might be shorter than the other one."
"What's that got to do with it?" asked a baffled Dora.
"Well then ee'd lean over" replied Slugger, "Ee'd be inclined."
"Slugs, I'm talking about Uncle Joe" said Dora. "Blimey, 'as 'ee got a wooden leg as well then" he replied.

[pete.r.]

Next morning Phyllis and Drizella were in a foul mood after the dance, so Dora went for a ride on Copper to get out of their way for a
short while. The Colonel had taken Slugger into town to get some supplies. There was a knock at the door, the sisters answered it.
Steve stood there, a glass slipper in his hand. "I'm looking for whoever dropped this" he said, "The person I met at last night's Ball.
Whoever it fits I shall ask them to be my bride."
"Oh come in" said the excited sisters.
"The person I'm looking for told me they worked locally with hoses" he continued, "I've scoured the local riding stables but to no avail.
It was very noisy at the dance but I think the lady I was dancing with said her name was Cindorella, or something like that."
"Oh my name's Drizella. It'll be me, let me try it on."
"No, I'm in charge" said Phyllis snatching it off her. "I'll go first, right."
"It's the left foot actually" exclaimed Steve.

Phyllis tried it on but it wouldn't fit she couldn't get her foot in it. "I always said you were too big for your boots" commented Drizella.
Drizella tried too, but the slipper was too big, it kept falling off. "Short arse" remarked Phyllis.
"Oh what am I to do" said a disheartened Steve, "I've tried everyone without success."
"It fits!" shouted Ron, "Look, it fits." Ron had tried it on. The glass slipper fitted perfectly.
"Good Lord" said Steve aghast. "It can't be...it just can't. I could have sworn I was dancing with a girl last night."
"Oh you can never tell nowadays" replied Phyllis.
"Yes" said Drizella, "Especially when they wear those puffed out dresses, after all, they are called ballroom gowns."

"Go on, ask him" said Phyllis. "Ask him."
"Ask him what" said Steve.
"You said, and I quote, whoever the slipper fitted you would ask them to be your bride" exclaimed Drizella, "Will it be a Civil ceremony?"
"Oh yes" replied Ron, "I'm sure everyone will be very pleasant."
Steve looked at Ron. Ron smiled and fluttered his eyelashes. He pointed to the slipper sitting snugly in his foot.
Steve got down on one knee.
"Ron" he stammered, "Will...will...will you be my b.....b.... BAH HUMBUG" shouted Steve.

Steve opened his eyes. He was in his bedroom, in bed. He sat up. He was in a cold sweat.
"It was all a dream" he said, smiling. "Just a dream. Well, a nightmare really."
Slugger dashed in. "Heard you shouting Steve, are you alright" he said.
Ron came in. "Is everything o.k. Steve" he asked.
Steve looked at Ron. "Will you be my bride?" he muttered.
"What's 'ee babblin' on about?" replied Slugger. "Dunno" said Ron, "Said something about going for a ride."
"Now look Sleeping Beauty" said Slugger, "Get out of bed, get dressed and come and help me and Ron, it's almost Christmas, there's
loads to do. Otherwise we'll have to get a lad in to help us."


To be continued.........

[pete.r.]

PART 2

"Well it's nearly that time of the year when the fat man comes bearin' presents" said Ron. "Talkin' of me dad where is 'ee."
"I 'eard that" said Mr Stryker entering the room, "And 'ee won't be bearin' any presents either, I'm skint. I can't afford to pay my
gas or electric bill let alone buy Christmas presents. What a rotten Yuletide this is going to be. You'll have to give me more
housekeeping money."
"More" said Ron, "You want more. I can't afford to dad" he replied, "I don't earn much at Follyfoot."
"Then you'll have to sell your motorbike" said Mr Stryker, "Take it to market, there's a bloke there buys second hand machines."
"Marvellous innit" answered Ron, "Why couldn't we have had a cow to take to market. 'Ere, 'ow about the Lock Keepers wife,
she'll do. Or maybe Mrs Buckley, they're both.." "Bullocks" said Mr Stryker.
"Pardon?" said Ron.
"Bullocks, that's where the money is, not cows" replied his dad. "You should see the price of beef in our butchers, it's no wonder
I'm 'avin' a job to make ends meat." "Yeah, they certainly know 'ow to slaughter a wallet" said Ron.
"Anyway, just get yourself off to market and bring some cash back" said Mr Stryker.

Off Ron went, it was his day off work. On the way he bumped into Clem Barrett. "Where you goin' to Ron?" asked Clem.
"I'm off to market" he said, "To sell me motorbike."
"Oh 'ee won't give you much for it" exclaimed Clem, "Ee's a proper miser, ee's nickname is Scrooge. Tell you what though" he
whispered, looking round to make sure no one was listening, "I'll do you a swap."
"A swap?" replied Ron.
"Yeah" said Clem, "I'll give you these in exchange" he said, taking something that resembled beans out of his pocket. "These are
worth an absolute fortune." "What are they?" asked Ron. "Weed" replied Clem. "Weeds" said Ron, "Oo needs weed seeds. Try
sayin' that with a mouthful of turkey. Nah, we've got plenty of weeds growin' at Follyfoot."
"No" exclaimed Clem, "They're cannabis seeds...you know, marijuana. Worth a fortune on the Black Market."
"Yeah, but are they worth anything on Tockwith market" said Ron, "That's where I'm heading."
"You mark my words Ron" said Clem, "You find the right person and you'll get ten times what this bikes worth. But it won't be on
Tockwith market. And they're fast growin' seeds too, makes 'em worth even more."
Ron thought for a second. "It's a deal" he answered. Clem eagerly took the bike and scurried off.

Ron returned home. "Dad, dad!" he shouted, "I got rid of me bike." "Oh that's great news" replied Mr Stryker, "How much did you get?.
About fifty pounds?". "No" exclaimed Ron, "I  swapped them for these" he said, showing him the seeds. "They're...." "You stupid
fool Ron" said his father, clipping him round the ear. "What use are these" he said, "Unless we're making wholegrain bread for
Christmas dinner." Mr Stryker threw them to the ground. "Go to your Room Ron" he said, "You're like your stupid seeds, you're grounded."

Next morning there was a knock at the door. Mr Stryker opened it. Bert the policeman stood there with his bike.
"Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive or be he dead I'll grind his bones to make my bread" he said.
"Just as long as it's not wholegrain" said Mr Stryker. "Have you been on the sherry Bert?".
"Do these plants belong to you" said Bert, pointing to plants that had grown higher than the house.
"Bimey" replied Mr Stryker, "No, they're my son Ron's." "I think I need to speak to him then" said Bert. Ron came to the door.
"Are these plants yours sir?" asked Bert. "Well yes, I bought the seeds" replied Ron, "They were planted only yesterday."
"Only yesterday" exclaimed Bert, "Crikey, that horse manure you've got at Follyfoot must be good. Think I'll get a bag for my
policeman's helmet."
" 'Ere, won't that be a bit messy" answered Ron.
Bert gave Ron a funny look.
"No, a policeman's helmet is a plant sir" explained Bert. "Better known as Himalayan Balsam."
"Oh you know a bit about plants then" said Ron's dad.
"Yes" replied Bert, "And I know all about these. They're Hemp."
"Hemp" exclaimed Ron, "Wait till I see Clem Barrett, he told me they were..." "Otherwise known as cannabis" said Bert.
"Never" said Ron.
"Oh but it is" replied Bert, "And you told me you'd grown it only yesterday. Cannabis is illegal" he continued, "And growing it is illegal.
I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to come down to the Station."
"What, on your crossbar" said Ron, as a partridge flew overhead and landed in a pear tree.
"No" said Bert, wiping partridge droppings off his boots with his hanky, "I'll send a patrol car to pick you up later."

" 'Ere" said Ron, "I don't wanna spend Christmas locked up in a cell."
"Well at least you'll be nice and warm" replied his dad, "Not like me when they cut me gas and leccy off."
A patrol car soon arrived with Bert, another officer and Colonel Maddox in it.
"Right" explained Bert, "I'm afraid Ron will have to come with us and be locked up in the cells overnight whilst we look into this,
where is he?". "He's climbed up the plants to the top" replied Mr Stryker, "He won't come down."
"He's probably looking for that darned partridge" said Bert, neatly placing a clean handkerchief over his boots.
"Come down now" shouted Mr Stryker.
"No, I ain't comin' down" answered Ron, "to be locked up in Jail. Not without good reason."
"If you don't come down this minute Stryker" bellowed the Colonel, "I'll get Slugger to make you a sausage stew and force you to eat
it every day for a week."
"I'm on my way down" replied Ron.
"Look I'll do my best to help you Ron" said the Colonel, "My solicitor Bricklebank is working on the case for you."
"Thanks" said Ron. Ron was taken to the police station and spent the night in the cells. Next morning he was given only bread and
water, he was starving. "You have a visitor Ron" said the Sergeant later that morning. It was Lewis Hammond.
"What you doin 'ere?" asked Ron. "Just come to see me old mate" replied Lewis.

[pete.r.]

"And to bring you this." "What's that?" asked Ron. "A cake, I thought you'd be hungry, they don't give you much food in 'ere" said Lewis.
"You'll like the filling, I put it in myself." "What is it?" said Ron. "A file" replied Lewis.
"Blimey" exclaimed Ron, "A filo filled with a filthy file, what a fillip."
"Sshhh" hushed Lewis, "You can use it to file through the bars in the window and escape."
Suddenly the Sergeant appeared. "What's in that bag?" he asked. "Just a cake" answered Lewis. "Let's have a look" said the sergeant.
"Oh gawd" muttered Ron, "Now we're in trouble."
The Sergeant took out a tiny sponge cup cake. "Oh that's alright" he said, "You'd be surprised what people bring in here, large cakes
with files in them" he exclaimed. Ron and Lewis laughed nervously. "Files" said Ron, "some people, I don't know." " Well I'll leave
you two to your chat" said the Police Sergeant walking off. "Blimey, that was close" said Ron, "'Ere, it can't be a very big file" he said,
breaking open the cake. "A nail file!"
"It's all I could get" replied Lewis.
"Blimey" exclaimed Ron, "It's a bit small innit. Even if I got life imprisonment I still wouldn't have enough time to get through the bars
with that." Ron ate the cake in one go.

"So what have you come to see me about Lewis?" asked Ron.
"Just wondered if you'd got any of those seeds left, you know, those funny ones" he replied.
"Oh so you ain't come to see me really" replied Ron, "You just want to do business. Well I ain't got any, but thanks for the sympathy."
Lewis walked off.

That teatime Ron had more visitors. It was Dora, the Colonel, Bricklebank and his dad. "Hello Dora" said Ron. "Hello Ron" she replied.
"We've some good news" said Mr Stryker. "Very good news" said the Colonel.
"Yesterday I went with Dora to your house to look at the evidence, the cannibis plants" said Bricklebank. "Dora noticed straight away"
said the Colonel, "They're not cannabis plants, but Citriodora."
"I know because they're one of the few plants with my name in their title" explained Dora, "they grow up to 150 feet tall."
"The Royal Botanic Gardens of Kew have been to look at them" exclaimed Bricklebank, "And, on your behalf Ron, I've drawn up an
agreement which you just have to sign agreeing they can have full ownership of the plants and any seeds they produce. They'll
give you five hundred pounds."
"Blimey" said Ron, "Where Do I sign."
"Just here" said Bricklebank, "We'll get the kernel to witness it."
"Oh very droll" replied Ron.

"We've already spent twenty pounds of your money" said Mr Stryker. "We've been to Clem Barrett's and bought  back your
motorbike" said Dora. "Hey that's great" answered Ron.
"This is going to be the best Christmas ever" said Mr Stryker, "Thanks to you son."
"And you're free to leave Ron" said Bert, "You can get some proper food down you now at Follyfoot."

"Oh I don't know about that" exclaimed Ron.


To be continued.........



 

[pete.r.]

PART 3

Dora was sitting looking out of the window, the snow was falling, everything looked beautiful.
"I love the snow, white and pure" she said. "Come and look Slugger."
"Love the snow, love the snow" he replied. "I don't love it. Means it's wintertime, cold and dark, means I have to clear the snow off
the path, then when it freezes the yard's like a skating rink."
"Oh don't be so grumpy Slugger" exclaimed Dora, "Come and look." Slugger was mending his socks, he stuck his head out of the window.
"Ouch!" he cried out as he bumped his head, "Now I've stuck the bloomin' needle in me finger. Darn it" he cursed.
"I thought that's what you were doing Slugs" said Dora.

"And it's about time your mum and dad moved out" moaned Slugger. "It's only while the decorator's are finishing painting the inside
of their house" she replied. "They'll be gone in a couple of days, just before Christmas."
"Good job" said Slugger. "All Arthur does is sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. He can't keep his eyes open for five minutes. He  should have
been born a koala, they sleep for 20 hours a day."
"Well he's been so busy travelling the world in his job" said Dora.
"And Prudence, God she's so vain" continued Slugger, stands in front of her mirror saying "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the
fairest of them all. Wonder she don't crack the bloomin' thing."
"Slugger, stop being so grumpy."

Callie walked in singing "Oh what a beautiful morning." "Glad someone's happy" exclaimed Dora.
"I'm always happy" she replied. "I love the snow, and Christmas. Don't you Slugger?".
"I'm goin' to see 'ow me stew's doin' " he said, "It's in the kitchen, reducin'."
"Oh that's good news" said Ron, "The less we 'ave of it the better."
"It's all dried up and burnt" replied Callie. " 'Ow do you know?" asked Slugger. "'Cause it always is" she answered. Is Steve about?"
she asked. "I think he probably disappeared when he saw you coming" said Dora.
"I know" replied Callie. "He's so bashful. When I talk to him he doesn't say much."
" 'Ee probably doesn't get much chance" said Ron.

" 'Ere said Slugger" walking back in, "Me stew's all dried up and burnt."Told you" said Callie, "Still, I don't mind, I don't have to eat it"
she said, singing..."I'm H...A...P...P...Y...I know I am, I'm sure I am...Oh hello Steve" she said as she spotted him. Steve blushed.
"I've just finished my homework" exclaimed Callie, "It was all questions about Christmas around the world. I had to do quite a bit of
 research." " Yeah" said Slugger, "An' I bet you 'ad a lot of fings to find out about as well."
"For instance, do you know how Rudolph got his red nose?" asked Callie.
"Too much whisky probably" replied Slugger.
"Well, Norwegian scientists think, in all likelihood, it was the result of a parasitic infection of his respiratory system" explained Callie.
"Exactly what I said" exclaimed Slugger, " 'Ee got alcohol poisoning while 'ee was paralytic."

"And did you know" continued Callie, "In the Czech republic for Christmas dinner they have fish soup, eggs and carp."
"I don't blame them" said Dora, "If I had to eat fish soup and eggs I'd carp too."

"And in Syria, Christmas gifts are distributed by a wise man on a camel, normally the smallest one in the wise man's caravan."
"Blimey" said Slugger, " 'Ow many camel's can you get in a caravan?".

"And in Iceland there are 13 Santa's, they're called Yule Lads" said Callie, "They have names like Spoon Licker, Pot Scraper and
Bowl Licker." "Obviously havn't eaten Slugger's food" exclaimed Ron.
"Oh and Sausage Swiper as well" said Callie, "He snatches sausages as soon as they've been cooked."
"Definitely havn't eaten Slugger's food" said Steve.

"And kissing under the mistletoe is thought to have originated from Frigga, the Norse Goddess of love."
"Blimey" replied Ron, "Is that why friggin means.." "I don't think we want to go down that road" interrupted Steve, blushing.
" 'Ere, which road is it we're on about? " asked Slugger.

"And finally" explained Callie, "The Dutch have a custom of leaving shoes packed with food for Saint Nicholas's donkeys. He would
leave some gifts in return."
"If we gave our donkeys boots full of Slugger's slop" said Ron, "The only thing we'd get in return would be..." "Shhh..." said Steve,
"listen. I'm sure I just heard what sounded like an explosion in the kitchen."
"Oh gawd" exclaimed Slugger, "Me stew. I forgot to add some more stock to it." They rushed into the kichen. Slugger looked in the pan.
" 'Ere, lovely" he said. "Done to a turn."
The Colonel was cowering behind a chair.
"Done to a turn" he replied, "Done to a turn. I nearly had a turn. That darned lid on the stewpot blew off and nearly took my head
with it".

"Lovely drop of stew" said Slugger, "It's been nicely agitated, and now it's bubbling."
"I know how it feels" said the Colonel, as he headed towards the toilet.

Everyone went back to work, Callie went home. "Right, that's sorted the stew out" said Slugger a little later, "I've put loads of
pepper in it to give it some flavour. Grub up" he shouted, ringing the bell. "Oh gawd" he cried out as he got a facefull of snow off it.
"I'm starving" said Hazel. "Me too" replied Ron. "Yeah, I expect it's hard work tobogganing and snowballing" replied Slugger.
Hazel tucked into her stew. She started sneezing, she couldn't stop. "Something wrong?" asked Slugger.
"There's too much pepper in this" she answered, snorting. Everyone pushed their plates to one side. Hazel sneezed and sneezed.
"I think I've wet myself" she said.
"I'm not surprised" replied Slugger, "You've wet everyone else, ain't you got 'an 'anky then?".
She couldn't stop. "Anyone any ideas how we can help her" asked Dora.
" 'Ere" said Ron, "Perhaps we could tell 'er a funny joke."
"Well that counts you out" answered Steve.
"I know" said Ron, "Why is Darth Vader the only person in the Universe  who likes Slugger's sausages."
"I don't know" she replied.
"Because they're always on the dark side."
"Atishoo!".
"Nah", that didn't work" said Slugger.


 

[pete.r.]

"Ron, why do you have to be so dopey" asked Steve. "Practice" replied Slugger.
"Ah, hello everyone" said the Colonel a few minutes later, brandishing a dustbin lid for protection and gingerly peering through the kitchen
door, "I've just come to see my brother Arthur, where is he?".
"What! shouted Slugger, walking out of the kitchen and into the room.
"Aarghh" howled the Colonel leaping behind Steve, "For God's sake Slugger, don't do that to me, I'm a bag of nerves as it is."
"Arthur's asleep" said Dora. "He's always asleep" exclaimed Ron.
"And Pru?" enquired the Colonel.
"Talkin' to 'er mirror" I expect replied Slugger. "Yeah, I don't know what she sees in that thing" said Ron. "Still, that's no reflection on her."

Hazel continued sneezing. "Is something wrong?" asked the Colonel. Slugger put too much pepper in our dinner" explained Steve.
"Hazel can't stop." "Right Hazel, this is what I want you to do" said the Colonel. "I want you to tickle the roof of your mouth with the
tip of your tongue for about ten seconds." Hazel followed the Colonel's advice, everyone held their breath.
"It's stopped" exclaimed Hazel a few seconds later, "It's worked Colonel."
Everyone gave a loud cheer, the Colonel jumped about three feet in the air.
"Fantastic" said Steve, "You should have been a Doctor Colonel. Doc Maddocks." The Colonel smiled. "Yes" he replied, "I know a lot
about the human body. Did you know there are seven bones in the human neck."
"More if you're eating kippers" said Ron.

"Pity 'ee ain't got a cure for bad nerves" said Slugger.

"So, are we all ready for Christmas everyone?" asked the Colonel.
"Yes" replied Dora.
"Is Slugger still grumpy?" he said,
"Yes" she replied.
"And Ron's still dopey?".
"Yes."
"And Arthur's sleepy?".
"Yes."
"And Steve's bashful?".
"Yes."
"And Callie's happy?".
"Yes."
"And Hazel's not sneezy anymore?" said the Colonel.
"No" replied Dora.
"Thanks to Doc."

"Then we're ready for the Panto season" exclaimed the Colonel. "Now look here me ducks" he said, "It's going to be a foul day
tomorrow, instead of everyone grousing let's chicken out of work and go to to Tockwith to join the gaggle of people there and have a
gander at their Christmas performance. We can get in for a paltry amount and egg on the players."

"What's it called?" asked Steve.

"Mother Goose" replied the Colonel.

To be continued.........

[pete.r.]

PART 4

It was Christmas morning, the Colonel walked in carrying a large bag. "Hello everyone" he said, "Did you enjoy the Mother Goose
pantomime at Tockwith." "Oh yeah" replied Ron with a long face, "It was scintillatin' watchin' a fat hairy bird prancin' about for 2 hours."
"Yeah" said Slugger, "And the goose wasn't much better either."
"Oh I thought Mother Goose was very funny" said Hazel. "Especially when she fell off the stage for the third time, brilliant acting,
wrything around the floor in agony."
"Oh I don't think it was acting" said Steve, "She had just broken her leg."
"Yes" said Dora, "And the first time she fell off the stage and landed on the vicar was a bit strange."
"Why was that?" asked the Colonel.
"Well, the vicar's an avid bird watcher" she exclaimed, "He would have known it was a goose, and yet I distinctly heard him say
'Will someone get that stupid bustard off me'. "

Hazel giggled.
"Yes...er...right" said the Colonel, "I've brought your Christmas presents." They all sat round the table eagerly waiting to see what
they'd got. "Right" he said looking at the label, "This one's for you Slugger."
Slugger opened it. "A book" he said, disappointedly, "A Christmas Carol. Who the dickens wrote that?. That's about as useful as what
the three Kings brought the baby Jesus when they gave 'im myrrh. I mean, whoever heard of that?" commented Slugger.
"Ah well I can help you out there Slugs me old mate" said Ron, "I think you'll find they actually said 'We've got gold, frankincense,
and wait.....there's more'. "

"Oh sorry Slugger" the Colonel replied, "Mrs Porter was helping me to wrap the presents, she must have put the wrong label on it."
"You ought to have given her the sack" remarked Ron.
"I did" said the Colonel, "And she put the presents in it. The book's for you Steve" he said, "I know you like reading."
"Thanks Colonel, I'll enjoy it" said Steve.
" 'Ere, what's it about then?" asked Slugger. "It's about an old man who's a mean, penny pinching, tight, miserly skinflint" said Steve.
"Blmey" exclaimed Ron, "I didn't know you'd written an autobiography Slugs."

"And here's your present Hazel" beamed the Colonel. An excited Hazel opened it. "Aaarghh" she screamed, looking at her gift, "Take
it away, take it away, it's horrible." "Blimey" said Slugger, "What is it?, a photo of Ron?".
"No, it'a a vanity set" she answered, "A comb, brush and mirror, just like the one Daddy bought me when I wanted a pony."
"I'm awfully sorry Hazel" said a distraught Colonel, "The labels have got mixed up again, that present's for Dora."
"Sure it's not for Ron" said Steve, as Ron pretended to brush his hair and comb his chest with it. "Thank you Uncle" replied Dora,
looking in the mirror and seeing Ron standing behind her sticking his tongue out and pulling a face at Steve.

"And this one" exclaimed the Colonel, looking at the tag, is for you Ron. Ron furiously tore the paper off. "Blimey" said Slugger, eyeing
the bits of paper everywhere, "Now we know why the toilet floor's always in such a mess."
"A pair of riding boots" said Ron, "With a motif of a cat inside each one."
"Well they're very Christmassy" said Steve.
" 'Ow'd you make that out" said Ron.
"Puss in Boots" replied Steve."
" 'Ere, 'Ang about" said Ron, "Size three. They'll never fit me." "Oh dear" answered the Colonel, "The label's are mixed up again.
They're for you Hazel, for when you start to learn to ride." Hazel's eye's lit up. "Oh thank you Colonel" she said, "They're lovely."
"No, this one must be for you Ron" exclaimed the Colonel. "They'll be the size nines then with a motif of a village idiot inside each
one" sniggered Steve.

Ron unwrapped the present very carefully, glancing over at Slugger, who, arms crossed, was watching him intently.
"An oil lamp!" exclaimed Ron. "I'd sooner 'ave the boots that don't fit."
"Oh dear, another mix up" sighed the Colonel, "That's for you Slugger. I thought it would come in handy in the kitchen these dark
mornings." "It'll come in more 'andy in the khazi" said Ron, "It was almost pitch black in there this morning, I could 'ardly find my Topper."
"It's the cold weather wot does it" said Slugger.
"I was referrin' to my comic" replied Ron.

"Hey Slugger" said Hazel, "Be careful not to rub the lamp, the Genie might appear and give you three wishes." "Not much chance of
that lamp ever getting rubbed" remarked Steve, looking around at the ornaments in the room, all covered in a thick layer of dust.
"So, by a process of elimination" said Ron, "As there's only one left, this must be mine" he declared. He held up a parcel neatly
wrapped, it was the shape of a broom. "I wonder what this could possibly be" he mused. "A crash helmet?. No. Bath salts? No, I don't
think so. A new neckerchief?. Maybe not. I know, I've got it!. It's a four foot tall Long Burning Candle on a stand. Oh but sadly not" he
said unwrapping it. "It's a broom. Who would have guessed." "I knew you should have had those riding boots that didn't fit" said
Steve, "They would've got more use."
"Look on the bright side Ron, at least it's a present that'll last you a lifetime, you'll never wear it out" exclaimed Slugger.
"The Wicked Witch had one in 'The Wizard of Oz' " said Dora, "She used to ride it."
"I can think of a better place to put it" said Ron. The Colonel frowned.
" 'Ere" said Slugger, "That's the film where they sing 'If I only had a brain'."
"No comment" replied Ron.

"So that's it, that's the presents over for another year" said the Colonel.
"Can't wait for next year" said Ron, "I might get a dustpan."
"Righto, back to work everyone" said Dora. "Just a minute" answered the Colonel, "Havn't you forgotten something?".
"Oh yes of course" replied Dora, "Silly me. Thank you for the presents Uncle."
"Well I'll be off then" said the Colonel. "See you in a day or two" said Steve.
"Yes...yes you will" he muttered, "I'll...er...I'll just take this empty sack back with me" he said disconsolately "Seeing as you've all got
your presents." "Yeah, see you" replied Slugger, "Drive carefully, it's nasty weather out there."
"Yes, yes I will" he sighed, "I'll just return home, empty handed" he murmured, dejectedly. He walked out of the room.

"Well that's the first time they've never bought me a present" he said to himself. "I always look forward to my present." He walked
towards his Landrover. Slugger opened the farmhouse door. "Colonel, Sir," he shouted. The Colonel turned round.
"Yes" he replied, smiling expectantly.
"You've forgotten your sack."
"Oh yes...yes of course" he said, taking it off Slugger. He opened the Landrover door and threw the sack on the back seat.

[pete.r.]

Then he turned and looked back at the farmhouse. All was quiet, sort of eerie. No one was there to wave him off. No one to wish
him a happy Christmas as they usually did. He went to sit in the driver's seat. There was a parcel on it, wrapped in Christmassy
paper with his name on it. He opened the parcel. Inside was a folder. In it was a Lordship Title Pack, comprising a framed
personalised certificate, embossed in gold, in the name of Lord Geoffrey Maddox of Follyfoot. A legal deed, five square feet of
Dedicated land (The land around the Lightning Tree), a personalised welcome letter and a Title Crest postcard with the Lightning
Tree on the Crest.

"Well I never" mused the Colonel, "They didn't forget me after all."
He wound down the window. All the farmhouse lights were on, everyone stood outside, all cheering. He walked back towards them.
"So do you like your present Uncle" asked Dora.
"Oh I do" he replied, "You got me going there."
"And we've another surprise for you" said Slugger. "We're going to sing you a Christmas Carol" continued Steve. "We've altered the
words quite a bit" exclaimed Ron. "And we've been practising" said Hazel. "The poor horses have had quite a bit to put up with
this week" said Dora, "But I think we're all in tune now, Copper doesn't bury his head in the straw anymore when we sing. Hope
you like it." They all lined up in a stable. And as they did so it started snowing, large flakes descending from the sky.
Then they started to sing.

"Good King Wencelas last looked out
Upon the Lightning Tree
Three wise men peered from behind
Slugger, Ron and Steve
Brightly shone the Colonel's Jeep
Thanks to just one bloke
Ron left his fag end on the seat
And it went up in clouds of smoke.

Bring me flesh and bring me wine
Said Slugger in the kitchen
I'm cookin' Christmas dinner soon
Why's everyone disappearin'
Hither Page and stand by me
Said Slugger stuffing the bird
What's that funny smell in 'ere
'ave I stood in a turd.

This young peasant who is he
On a donkey on the grass
Is it the poor man gathering fuel
No it's Ron the silly ass
Sire the night is darker now
And the wind grows stronger
I shouldn't have had those sprouts said Steve
A trumping still out yonder.

Dora screamed as Uncle slipped
Where the snow lay dinted
His false teeth came flying out
Should've used polygrip Hazel hinted
Therefore Follyfoot fans be sure
Your Christmas dreams come true
May all your troubles be little ones
Good luck, good health and God bless you.

"Good Lord" exclaimed the Colonel.

"Yes" replied Dora......"You are."

                                                                                         THE END