PART 4
It was Christmas morning, the Colonel walked in carrying a large bag. "Hello everyone" he said, "Did you enjoy the Mother Goose
pantomime at Tockwith." "Oh yeah" replied Ron with a long face, "It was scintillatin' watchin' a fat hairy bird prancin' about for 2 hours."
"Yeah" said Slugger, "And the goose wasn't much better either."
"Oh I thought Mother Goose was very funny" said Hazel. "Especially when she fell off the stage for the third time, brilliant acting,
wrything around the floor in agony."
"Oh I don't think it was acting" said Steve, "She had just broken her leg."
"Yes" said Dora, "And the first time she fell off the stage and landed on the vicar was a bit strange."
"Why was that?" asked the Colonel.
"Well, the vicar's an avid bird watcher" she exclaimed, "He would have known it was a goose, and yet I distinctly heard him say
'Will someone get that stupid bustard off me'. "
Hazel giggled.
"Yes...er...right" said the Colonel, "I've brought your Christmas presents." They all sat round the table eagerly waiting to see what
they'd got. "Right" he said looking at the label, "This one's for you Slugger."
Slugger opened it. "A book" he said, disappointedly, "A Christmas Carol. Who the dickens wrote that?. That's about as useful as what
the three Kings brought the baby Jesus when they gave 'im myrrh. I mean, whoever heard of that?" commented Slugger.
"Ah well I can help you out there Slugs me old mate" said Ron, "I think you'll find they actually said 'We've got gold, frankincense,
and wait.....there's more'. "
"Oh sorry Slugger" the Colonel replied, "Mrs Porter was helping me to wrap the presents, she must have put the wrong label on it."
"You ought to have given her the sack" remarked Ron.
"I did" said the Colonel, "And she put the presents in it. The book's for you Steve" he said, "I know you like reading."
"Thanks Colonel, I'll enjoy it" said Steve.
" 'Ere, what's it about then?" asked Slugger. "It's about an old man who's a mean, penny pinching, tight, miserly skinflint" said Steve.
"Blmey" exclaimed Ron, "I didn't know you'd written an autobiography Slugs."
"And here's your present Hazel" beamed the Colonel. An excited Hazel opened it. "Aaarghh" she screamed, looking at her gift, "Take
it away, take it away, it's horrible." "Blimey" said Slugger, "What is it?, a photo of Ron?".
"No, it'a a vanity set" she answered, "A comb, brush and mirror, just like the one Daddy bought me when I wanted a pony."
"I'm awfully sorry Hazel" said a distraught Colonel, "The labels have got mixed up again, that present's for Dora."
"Sure it's not for Ron" said Steve, as Ron pretended to brush his hair and comb his chest with it. "Thank you Uncle" replied Dora,
looking in the mirror and seeing Ron standing behind her sticking his tongue out and pulling a face at Steve.
"And this one" exclaimed the Colonel, looking at the tag, is for you Ron. Ron furiously tore the paper off. "Blimey" said Slugger, eyeing
the bits of paper everywhere, "Now we know why the toilet floor's always in such a mess."
"A pair of riding boots" said Ron, "With a motif of a cat inside each one."
"Well they're very Christmassy" said Steve.
" 'Ow'd you make that out" said Ron.
"Puss in Boots" replied Steve."
" 'Ere, 'Ang about" said Ron, "Size three. They'll never fit me." "Oh dear" answered the Colonel, "The label's are mixed up again.
They're for you Hazel, for when you start to learn to ride." Hazel's eye's lit up. "Oh thank you Colonel" she said, "They're lovely."
"No, this one must be for you Ron" exclaimed the Colonel. "They'll be the size nines then with a motif of a village idiot inside each
one" sniggered Steve.
Ron unwrapped the present very carefully, glancing over at Slugger, who, arms crossed, was watching him intently.
"An oil lamp!" exclaimed Ron. "I'd sooner 'ave the boots that don't fit."
"Oh dear, another mix up" sighed the Colonel, "That's for you Slugger. I thought it would come in handy in the kitchen these dark
mornings." "It'll come in more 'andy in the khazi" said Ron, "It was almost pitch black in there this morning, I could 'ardly find my Topper."
"It's the cold weather wot does it" said Slugger.
"I was referrin' to my comic" replied Ron.
"Hey Slugger" said Hazel, "Be careful not to rub the lamp, the Genie might appear and give you three wishes." "Not much chance of
that lamp ever getting rubbed" remarked Steve, looking around at the ornaments in the room, all covered in a thick layer of dust.
"So, by a process of elimination" said Ron, "As there's only one left, this must be mine" he declared. He held up a parcel neatly
wrapped, it was the shape of a broom. "I wonder what this could possibly be" he mused. "A crash helmet?. No. Bath salts? No, I don't
think so. A new neckerchief?. Maybe not. I know, I've got it!. It's a four foot tall Long Burning Candle on a stand. Oh but sadly not" he
said unwrapping it. "It's a broom. Who would have guessed." "I knew you should have had those riding boots that didn't fit" said
Steve, "They would've got more use."
"Look on the bright side Ron, at least it's a present that'll last you a lifetime, you'll never wear it out" exclaimed Slugger.
"The Wicked Witch had one in 'The Wizard of Oz' " said Dora, "She used to ride it."
"I can think of a better place to put it" said Ron. The Colonel frowned.
" 'Ere" said Slugger, "That's the film where they sing 'If I only had a brain'."
"No comment" replied Ron.
"So that's it, that's the presents over for another year" said the Colonel.
"Can't wait for next year" said Ron, "I might get a dustpan."
"Righto, back to work everyone" said Dora. "Just a minute" answered the Colonel, "Havn't you forgotten something?".
"Oh yes of course" replied Dora, "Silly me. Thank you for the presents Uncle."
"Well I'll be off then" said the Colonel. "See you in a day or two" said Steve.
"Yes...yes you will" he muttered, "I'll...er...I'll just take this empty sack back with me" he said disconsolately "Seeing as you've all got
your presents." "Yeah, see you" replied Slugger, "Drive carefully, it's nasty weather out there."
"Yes, yes I will" he sighed, "I'll just return home, empty handed" he murmured, dejectedly. He walked out of the room.
"Well that's the first time they've never bought me a present" he said to himself. "I always look forward to my present." He walked
towards his Landrover. Slugger opened the farmhouse door. "Colonel, Sir," he shouted. The Colonel turned round.
"Yes" he replied, smiling expectantly.
"You've forgotten your sack."
"Oh yes...yes of course" he said, taking it off Slugger. He opened the Landrover door and threw the sack on the back seat.