Author Topic: Never a dull moment  (Read 3665 times)

Offline pete.r.

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Never a dull moment
« on: October 25, 2016, 11:37:54 AM »
                                                                     Never a dull moment
A story in four parts.


"Right, that's that Hazel" said the Colonel, "You've signed all the paperwork, Follyfoot now belongs to you."
"Are you sure that's what you want Geoffrey" said Bricklebank, his solicitor. "What about Dora?."
"Ah yes, Dora," replied the Colonel. "It's been two weeks now since she walked out the door, said she'd had enough. She was going
through a bad patch." "So did Captain Hook" exclaimed Ron. "What do you mean?" asked Slugger.
"Well, 'Ee normally bought 'is eye patches from a reputable store, but once 'ee used one that 'ee got out of a Xmas cracker, turned
out to be faulty, it 'ad a sharp piece of plastic sticking out of the corner."
"Blimey, 'ee was lucky it didn't take his eye out" replied Slugger.

"Dora'll come back when she's ready" said Steve. "But the police havn't found her" exclaimed Callie.
"Well that don't mean much" replied Ron, "Bert the bobby couldn't find a salt cellar in a chip shop,"
"Yeah" answered Slugger, "Some of them basements are a bit hard to find."
"What're you talking about Slugger" said a bemused Colonel.
"Where them chip shops keep their bags of salt" answered Slugger, "Under the floorboards. Bert probably wouldn't find them . 'Ere,
wonder where they keep all the vinegar, must be somewhere where it can't go off."
"Can't go off" exclaimed Steve, "Vinegar doesn't go off Slugs. It preserves things and keeps them fresh. It lasts forever, people
pickle vegetables and stuff in it."
"Better put your brain in some then Slugs" said Hazel laughing.
"No need to" said Ron, "It gets pickled every Saturday night when he's on 'is own made dandelion wine."

"We're supposed to be talking about how the police havn't found Dora yet" sighed Callie.
"Oh for Heavens sake everyone" exclaimed the Colonel, "No wonder Dora disappeared."
" 'Ere, it's not our fault" answered Slugger.
"Nah" continued Ron, "Her last words were "I've done all I can, I think it's time for Hazel to take over. It's no ones fault. It's just the
time's right for me to go."
"I didn't want Dora to go" said Hazel, "But I'll do my best taking over Follyfoot."
"Well it doesn't look like Dora's going to return Colonel" said Callie.
"No, no it doesn't" he replied. "Come on Hazel, I'll show you the office work that you'll need to do." They  disappeared into the office.
Bricklebank drove off.

"Didn't Dora say anything to you Callie about what she might do or where she might go?" asked Steve.
"No I don't think so" she replied. "What do you mean you don't think so" answered Steve, "Did she say something?".
"What about you Slugger" said Callie, "Did she confide in you?". "Well we talked about it" replied Slugger, "Dora was coming to the
end of her tether."
"What's going on here" shouted Steve, "You both know something." He banged his fist on the table.
" 'Ere Steve, Steve me old mate, calm down a bit" said Ron, "Just because Dora spoke to all of us about it but not you don't mean
nothin' " he said grinning, winding him up.
"I won't calm down" bellowed Steve, "I expect everyone knows where she is except me." He banged his fist on the table again, harder.
One of the pictures of a horse fell of the wall, the glass shattered as it hit the floor.
"Oh gawd" said Slugger, "Now look what you've gawn and done. That was one of the Colonel's favourites, it was here when he
bought the farm. What with Hazel and now you we'll keep Tockwith Picture Repair and Reframing Services in work."

Steve picked the picture up. "Hey" he exclaimed, "There's something taped to the back of it, a piece of paper, it's gone all brown
with age, must've been there a long time. Better tell the Colonel." "Nah 'ees busy with Hazel " said Ron, "Let's 'ave a look what it says."
Ron opened it up. "Blimey" he said, "It's a map showing where there's treasure buried at Follyfoot. it's dated 1856."
"Treasure" exclaimed Slugger, "Buried 'ere?".
"Yeah" replied Ron reading it. "Apparently someone called Lord Ofsol lived 'ere then and buried all his gold, jewellery and riches 'ere.
It'll be worth a fortune."
Slugger took the paper and showed it to the Colonel. "Never heard about this" he said. "Still, it shows exactly where the treasure is."

Steve followed the written instructions, he paced from the farmhouse doorway, turned west, then paced again.
"Here's where it's buried" said Steve. "The exact spot."
"Oh gawd blimey" exclaimed Slugger. "I don't believe it."
"It can't be" said Ron.
"It is" replied Callie.
"Good Heavens" gasped the Colonel.
"However did they bury it there?" asked Hazel.
The spot was where the Lightning Tree stood. "He must've buried it there and planted the tree on top of it" deduced the Colonel.
Ron disappeared into a shed and reappeared with a large band saw.
"Good Lord" exclaimed the Colonel, "Stop, stop, we can't cut down the Lightning Tree." "Whyever not?" asked Ron.
"Well, for a start, it would break Dora's heart" he replied.
"But Dora 'ain't 'ere is she" said Ron, "And she ain't likely to be."
"What do you think Hazel?" asked Steve. "You're in charge."
"We could all be rich" answered Hazel, "I say we cut it down. We can replace it with another tree." Steve and Ron each took an end
of the saw and gripped it tight and got into position.
"Ready?" said Ron.
"Ready" replied Steve.
The blade was almost touching the Lightning Tree. Hazel smiled.

"No, stop! stop!," shouted a familiar voice. It was the voice of Dora. She stood there at the gate. Steve and Ron dropped the saw.
" 'Ere careful you numbskulls" said Slugger hopping around, "You nearly 'ad me foot off there."
"Dora" exclaimed the Colonel, "Where have you been?. We've all been so worried." Everyone looked relieved and smiled.
"I went for a little holiday in Cornwall" she replied, "To give me time to think. And now I come back to this. There was nearly a nasty
accident there."
"You're right there girl" replied Slugger, counting his toes. "Good to see you back."
"I mean the Lightning Tree" said Dora. "I'm only gone a fortnight and already you're trying to cut my tree down. What's going on?"
"We're looking for buried treasure" replied Ron, showing her the note. "We found it behind a picture in the farmhouse. It's dated 1856."
"Yes" said Dora, reading it. "The first of April, 1856." "Is it" replied Ron, "I only looked at the year,"
"Signed by Lord Ofsol" sighed Dora. "Ofsol - An anagram of fools. April 1st, all fools day. And written in blue biro, 32 years before the
biro was invented." "Blimey" said Slugger. "Do you think it's a fake then."
"I think there's a fair chance" replied Dora......."I don't know, I've only been gone 5 minutes, good job I came back."
"Hazel's in charge now" said Steve, "She authorized us to cut it down."
"Uncle" exclaimed Dora, "What's going on?". "Well I didn't think you were returning" he said.
"Yes I can see that" replied Dora, as Ron dragged the saw back to it's shed, a wary Slugger standing well away.

"I think someone played a trick on us" said a thoughtful Steve. "Someone wanted us to cut the Lightning Tree down."
"Well it wern't me" answered Ron, "The farm wouldn't be Follyfoot without the tree."
"Definitely" continued Callie, "I think the tree's fantastic, terrific, impressive, outstanding, phenomenal, monumental, fabulous,
awesome, wicked, and..."
"Tree-mendous?" smiled Steve.
"Oh yes, that as well" said Callie.
"So who was it" asked the Colonel. They all looked at Hazel. Her face had gone red.
"Yes, it was me" answered Hazel. "I wrote that on a piece of old paper I found in Slugger's drawers."
"Blimey" said Ron, "You're a brave girl rummaging about in Slugger's smalls."
"I meant in his kitchen drawer" she said. "I thought Slugger would find the note when he dusted the picture."

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Never a dull moment
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2016, 12:10:10 PM »
Steve laughed.
" 'Ere, Slugger don't dust no pictures" said Ron. " 'Ee don't dust no nothin."
"Yers I do" replied Slugger, "I dusted that fruit cake I baked about six months ago only last week. 'Ere, anyone fancy a slice?".
"Thanks awfully" replied Ron "But we'll give it a miss for health reasons if you don't mind Slugs me old mate."
"What health reasons" said Slugger.
"Our stomachs" replied Ron.

"So you wanted us to find the note and cut down the tree Hazel" exclaimed Steve. "Why?".
"I'm Mistress of Follyfoot now" she answered. "I wanted you all to forget about Dora. But the tree was a reminder. So it had to go. I
knew if I asked you to cut it down you wouldn't. So I invented the map with the treasure."
"Oh Uncle" said Dora, "I'm sorry it's all my fault."
"So what other ridiculous changes are you going to make Hazel?" asked Steve. "Is Slugger going to be appointed as a Horse
Whisperer extraordinaire for Follyfoot, with the possibility of being loaned out to Her Majesty the Queen when required."
"Nay" said Slugger in a soft voice.
"Shouldn't that be neigh" whispered Ron.
"Or perhaps you've plans for Dora to build a few extra stables" continued Steve'
"That's a saw point" replied Slugger.
"Hey that's good Slugs" exclaimed Callie.
"Yeah" said Slugger, "It's what's called a shaft of wit." "Or something like that" said Ron.
"I think that's enough cutting remarks on this subject" said Dora.
"Or maybe you were going to put Ron in charge of accounts" continued Steve. "I'm sure he'd enjoy making his pay packet up. Or
perhaps Callie was going to be revealed as Follyfoot's new chef."
"But I can't cook" replied Callie.

"That never stopped Slugger" said Ron.

To be continued.........
Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Never a dull moment
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2016, 01:39:11 PM »

"So what plans did you have for Steve then Hazel" said Dora. "Personal secretary?".
"Now look everyone" interrupted the Colonel, "It just so happens that in Hazel's contract I put in the small print that she's on
a three month trial and can be replaced if I find she's unsuitable."
"That won't be necessary" bellowed Hazel. "I resign!." And with that she picked up Slugger's best teapot of the shelf.
"No, not the Royal Doulton" shouted Slugger. Too late. It flew across the room. Steve made a valiant attempt to save it but he was no
Gordon Banks. It smashed into another horse picture on the wall. The broken teapot lay on the floor in a thousand pieces. Next to
it the shattered picture. "Good Lord" exclaimed the Colonel picking up his picture and examining it.
"What" replied Ron, "You mean there's a treasure trail map on the back of it."
"Stryker" retorted the Colonel.
"Yes Colonel Sir" answered Ron, "Do you know I think this teapot could possibly be restored" he said, matching two pieces together
as if doing a jigsaw.
"Any more comments like that and It'll be your head that needs restoring Stryker" said an irate Colonel.

Hazel picked up the matching milk jug and sugar bowl and hurled them across the room. They both hit a horse picture knocking them
off the wall.
"Blimey" commented Ron, " 'Ere, Hazel, 'ave you ever thought of going round the coconut shy's on the fairs, we'd never have to buy
a coconut ever again." "Look on the bright side" said Steve, "It's less for you to dust Slugger".
"Oh we are sarcastic today aren't we Steve" smirked Ron. "Stop her!" roared the Colonel.
Steve and Slugger dragged Hazel away, she was shouting and screaming. "Oh Uncle" sobbed Dora, surveying the mess.
"Well it could have been worse" exclaimed Slugger, "We've still got the sugar tongs, look."
The Colonel picked them up and angrily threw them over his shoulder.
"Crikey" said Ron as the last picture was knocked off the wall, "It's trick shot time now. Still, not to worry, I expect Tockwith Picture
repair and Reframing Services do job lots."

"Ah that's better" said the Colonel the next morning puffing on his pipe, "Everythings back to normal again."
Slugger had burnt the breakfast, Ron was hiding in a stable sat on a bale of hay smoking a fag, Steve and Dora had fell out and
wern't talking. Callie hadn't stopped talking. Mainly about Hazel. Slugger had resorted to shoving a red grape in each ear.
"I think it was for the best Slugs, don't you" continued Callie, following him around. "Oh yers" he replied.
"I mean, the Colonel had to send her back to Social Services, didn't he. Before the whole farmhouse was wrecked," "Oh yers."
"And I'm glad Dora's in charge again. Good job she came back when she did otherwise we'd have lost the Lightning tree. Fancy
making up a story like that." "Oh yers."
"And she fancied Steve. I noticed that. She's not his type at all. It's me  he likes really. He's just too shy to admit it. Slugger..." "Oh yers"
"Have you got something wrong with your ears, they seem very red and inflamed, looks like you've got a boil in each one. I
should see a doctor if I was you, you could go deaf."

"Stryker" shouted the Colonel, as smoke rings emerged from the stable. He marched in. "I've told you before" he said, taking his pipe
out of his mouth to speak, "We don't allow smoking in the stables, it's a fire hazard." Suddenly a freak gust of wind blew through
the doorway, the red hot ashes in the Colonel's pipe were blown onto the fresh dry straw on the floor, the whole lot went up in
seconds. Ron was trapped in the corner. The Colonel dashed into the farmhouse.
"Slugger" he gasped, "Fire!, Fire!. In the stables." "Oh yers" replied Slugger.
"Where's Steve and Dora" yelled a panicky Colonel." "Oh yers."
"Oh for Heavens sake" the Colonel cried out, "Help, someone help." "Oh hello Colonel" said Callie, "A lovely day for it."
"Quick" he shouted, "The stable's on fire, Ron's trapped inside."
Callie grabbed a bucket, filled it up in the trough, and ran in the stable, hurling it forward. It went straight over the flames that were
dying down on the floor and over Ron's face. "Well at least that's put his cigarette out" exclaimed Callie.
Steve and Dora had heard the commotion and ran to help. Within minutes the fire had been put out.

"You stupid oaf Ron" said Steve taking a soggy nub end out of his mouth, "I ought to shove this up your...." "Assume Ron's been
smoking in the stables again" said Slugger who'd appeared. "Oh yers" answered Callie.
"Actually it wasn't Ron who started the fire" explained the Colonel. "It was me." "Oh Uncle" said Dora.
"Well, Ron was smoking in there. I went in to admonish him and my pipe started the fire. "Oh mate" sighed Steve.
"And Slugger, you wern't much help" said the Colonel. "Good job Callie was here. Whatevers the matter with you Slugger."
"Oh he can't here you" replied Callie, "He's got a red grape in each ear." " 'Ere" said Ron, "Take those grapes out and stop whining."
"Another shaft of wit" exclaimed Steve. They all peered in Slugger's ears.
Slugger took the grapes out. "Not missed much 'ave I" he said.
"You knew all along Callie" said the Colonel."The grapes." "Oh yes" she replied. "I expect someone got on his nerves talking too much."
"And in answer to you question Slugs" said Ron, "I came close to being burnt to death, no thanks to you stuffing fruit in your
lug'oles. What have you got to say about that, me old mate."
"Next time plug 'em with brussel sprouts" remarked Steve.

"Dora" said the Colonel after dinner, "I've just had a phone call from Tockwith Fire Brigade."
"Blimey" said Slugger, "They're a bit late aren't they, the place would have burnt to the ground by now."
"No, it's not about the fire" replied the Colonel. "They're buying a new motorised fire tender and want to know if we've got room for
their old horse. His names Smokey." "Wonder how he got that name" said Slugger.
"Apparently he can smell a whiff of smoke from miles away" the Colonel replied.
"Should come in handy here then " muttered Steve. "Did you say something Steve" asked the Colonel.
"Actually I've been working on a new sign" said Steve, "To do with health and Safety. I think we should put it outside the stables."
" 'Ere, lets 'ave a look at it" said Slugger. Steve held up a white board painted with black lettering.
"It's not quite finished" said Steve. It read.

                                                                 Fags are not allowed in 'ere
                                                                 Nor pipes or anything thats lit
                                                                 If you're caught smoking here
                                                                 You'll drop us in the.......
"I just need the ending for it" said Steve.
"Hmm, that's a tricky one" said Slugger.
"Yes" replied Dora, "And it has to rhyme with lit." They all sat there thinking. "It's a bit of a stinker" exclaimed Callie
"I have it" grinned Ron. "The very word. Callie gave me a clue there." "And does it rhyme with lit" asked Slugger.
"It most certainly does" replied Ron. "I don't think we want to hear this word" said Dora, "Could you describe it."
"It means smelly and 'orrible" answered Ron. "We can't use that word" said the Colonel. "It's rude. It's no good Steve, you'll
have to write another sign,"

"Cesspit" exclaimed Ron.

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Never a dull moment
« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2016, 02:37:25 PM »
"Pardon" said Steve.
"Cesspit" replied Ron. "That's the word we're looking for." "Well that's excellent" said the Colonel, mopping his perspiring brow.
"Yeah" exclaimed Slugger, "For a minute there we thought you were gonna say..." "Shift yourself into the kitchen Slugger and make
us all a nice cup of tea" said the Colonel. "That's if there's any teapots left" said Ron.
"Now Dora, about Smokey." "Oh Uncle, you know we havn't any spare stables" replied Dora. "And if he's fit and healthy I'm sure the
firemen can find him a home." "Crikey" said Steve, "Almost thought that was me talking there."
"Mummy has a friend who's looking for a gentle horse for her daughter to look after" said Callie.
"Well I'll give the fire brigade a ring" said the Colonel. "I'm just going to have a look around the stables and see how the horses are."

The Colonel went outside but didn't see Steves health and safety sign that he'd finished and placed in the yard. He fell over it and
went headfirst into a wheelbarrow full of fresh horsemuck that had taken Ron all day to collect. Steve and Slugger helped him up.
"Are you alright Colonel" asked Slugger. The Colonel was covered in smelly dung.
"Alright" answered the Colonel, "Am I alright. I smell like a ... " "Like a cesspit?" asked Steve.
"The Colonel was livid. He booted the sign as hard as he could. It soared high into the air. Just at that moment a van pulled
into the yard with the name Tockwith Picture Repair and Reframing Services written on the side. It had come to collect the Colonel's
broken pictures. The sign went straight through the windscreen with an almighty crash.

"Blimey" said Ron, "That wern't much of a health and safety notice Steve."

To be continued.........
Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Never a dull moment
« Reply #4 on: October 27, 2016, 03:10:36 PM »

Ron and Steve were clearing out the mess in the stable after the fire.
"Not too much damage done" said Steve, scrubbing the floor. "Are you helping Ron or what?".
"Exactly" replied Steve. "You're a bone idle, useless, ignorant skiver." " 'Ang about" said Ron, "I 'ain't ignorant."
"Now 'oo can you be talking about Steve" said Slugger walking in. "It was partly his fault the fire started" answered Steve, "And he
hasn't lifted a finger to clean any of it."
"Yeah well" said Ron, "You're cleaning the bottom three feet of the stable and I'm cleaning anything above that."
"There isn't any mess above that" exclaimed Steve. "Shows what a good job I've done then" replied Ron. "Is tea ready yet Slugs?".
"That's what I've come to tell yer" said Slugger, "Come and get it before it's ruined."
"Blimey that's a good one" smiled Ron, "Your food's ruined before it comes out of the frying pan."
"Anyhow, who decided I was cleaning the bottom three feet" said Steve.
"Dora did" replied Ron. "She said Steve was to work on the yard and I was to do the rest." "You crafty blighter Ron" exclaimed Steve,
"That meant I was to clean the yard outside and you were to clean all this mess up in here."
"Was it?" answered Ron, "Oh dearie, dearie me, I completely messed up didn't I, I thought, you know, three feet in a yard."
"Yes, you messed up alright"  shouted an annoyed Steve, "And I cleaned up." "Come on, come and get your tea" said Slugger.

At the table Steve and Ron were glaring daggers at each other. "How's the stable coming along?" asked Dora. Steve looked down at
his charred sausages. "Well, earlier the floor looked like these" he replied. "But, after hours of scrubbing it now looks like this" he said,
pointing to his fried egg.
"What, all yellow and lumpy" said Ron, "With black bits stuck to it."
"The floor's now pristine clean" continued Steve, "As white as my egg white."
"Except" replied Ron, "Your egg white's got red blotches on it Steve, tomato ketchup probably."
"Yes, and when we get back to the stable the floor's going to have red blotches on it Ron, your blood probably" replied Steve.
"Anyone want another mug of tea" asked Slugger. "Oh is that what it is" said Ron as he dunked a piece of jet black burnt toast in it,
the toast coming out lovely and brown. "Blimey, this stuff's a bit caustic Slugs innit?. Don't think you'll need to hardly wash me mug,  won't be any stains on the inside" said Ron. "Talking about stains on the inside" exclaimed the Colonel walking in, "You've done a
brilliant job on the stable Ron, it's spotless."
"Well I try my best" Ron answered.
"Just a minute" interrupted Steve, "I......"
"In fact you've done such a good job" continued the Colonel, "I'd like you to clean all the rest of the stables Ron, to the same
standard of course." "Well of course" said Steve smiling, "Ron always tries his best. Don't you Ron."
" 'Ang about" replied Ron.
"There's no rush Ron," said the Colonel. "Just do a couple at a time. I'm sure you can fit it in with what work you normally do in a day."
"Blimey" said Slugger, "Ron could fit in painting the Firth of Forth bridge with what work 'ee does in a day."

"Ah Dora" said the Colonel.
"Yes Uncle?".
"The fire brigade have agreed to let Callie's friend look after Smokey, although she won't be allowed to ride him as he's only ever
pulled a fire tender and never been ridden before." "Oh that's good news" she replied.
"Absolutely fantastic" said a grim faced Ron, egg dribbling all down his chin. "Looks like the yoke's on you Ron" exclaimed Steve, "Just
do a couple at a time."
"Oh and by the way, Social Services have been on the phone, they want to know if we'll take Hazel back, on a months probational
period. What do you all think?". Slugger put his hands around the teapot, as if to protect it.
"Well, as long as she behaves herself" answered Dora. "Yeah, why not" said Ron. "Better go and practise my goalkeeping skills then"
commented Steve. "Good, that's settled then" said the Colonel. "I'll phone them later."

The next day after breakfast a nervous looking Hazel arrived with her social worker. A nervous Slugger, Ron and Steve all took up
their positions standing in front of the most expensive chinaware.
"I promise I'll be good" she told everyone. "I love horses."
"Well I tell you what Hazel" said the Colonel, "As a treat how would you like to go and see Smokey, a retired horse who used to pull a
fire tender." "Oh yes please" she replied. "Ron's going to Tockwith in the Land Rover to fetch some supplies" said the Colonel.
"Yes" mumbled Slugger, "Plastic cups, saucers and plates from Tockwith Hardware."
"It's on your way Ron, could you drop Hazel off at Brook Farm and then pick her up on the way back" continued the Colonel."Smokey's very friendly although he's never been ridden." "No problem" replied Ron, "I know where the farm is."

Ten minutes later they arrived. No one seened around but Smokey was in a field.
"I'll pick you up in about an hour" said Ron, throwing his cigarette butt out of the Land Rover window.
"Oh you're a lovely boy" said Hazel.
"Gee thanks" replied Ron, "You're not so bad yourself Hazel."
"I mean Smokey" she replied blushing, stroking the horse's nose. Ron drove off. Suddenly Smokey pricked his ears up and stamped
his feet and whinnied. "What's the matter boy?" asked Hazel. He nodded his head furiously. Hazel turned round. Ron's cigarette end
started to smoke in the dry grass and then burst into flames, quickly spreading. Hazel dashed to the farmhouse but it was locked, there
was no one about. The farm was in the middle of nowhere. The flames were roaring in the field. Then Hazel had an idea. Smokey
would know where the fire station was. She opened the gate, he walked out. He was used to fires and wasn't frightened.
"I've never rode a horse before" said Hazel, "And you've never been ridden before, so this is a first for both of us. I'm going to climb on
your back and then you take me to the fire station."

Hazel climbed on with a struggle and held on for dear life as Smokey trotted down the lane. Ten minutes later they arrived at
Tockwith fire station. The fire crew were alerted and the brand new fire engine sped towards Brook Farm, passing on the way by a
Land Rover in a layby with a young lad dressed in blue denim inside, fast asleep. The fire engine soon arrived at the farmhouse with
Hazel enjoying sitting amongst the firemen and Smokey galloping behind. They managed to put the fire out just before the flames
reached the barn. "Another five minutes and the barn and then the farmhouse would have gone up in smoke" said one of the
firefighters. "Well done Hazel, and well done Smokey old boy" he said, patting him. Smokey nodded his head knowingly.

News of what happened soon spread around Yorkshire. Hazel was a heroine, Smokey was a hero. Back at Follyfoot she never told
anyone that Ron had accidentally started the fire. She liked Ron. Ron trusted Hazel because she'd kept quiet about it, they got on
like a house on fire. Hazel even helped Ron to clean the stables, and in return Ron promised to teach her to ride.
"Funny that" said Steve, a couple of days later.
"What is" replied Slugger. "Coco the clown, t.v. adverts, rude shop mannequins,smutty place names, 70 year old nudists, people
passing wind in lifts."
"No, the fire at Brook Farm" said Steve. "Yes, good job Hazel was there" answered Dora.
"Exactly" exclaimed Steve. "Only Hazel was there. No one else was about. How did the fire start?"
"We'll probably never know" replied the Colonel.
"Except that Ron was there dropping Hazel off" said Steve. "And we know his form where fires are concerned. Perhaps they should
have had one of my signs at the farm."

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Never a dull moment
« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2016, 04:01:03 PM »
"Don't mention that blasted sign" said the Colonel, "I've still got the smell of rotting horse manure in my nostrils. And it's a miracle
no one was  injured when the windscreen got smashed."
"Yeah" replied Slugger, "Apparently the driver's a gibbering wreck now 'oo won't go anywhere without wearing a motorcycle helmet."
"Nothing unusual about that" said Steve, "Lots of motorcyclists where crash helmets nowadays."
" 'Cept 'ee ain't got a motorbike" exclaimed Slugger.

"I think Ron started the fire accidentally" continued Steve. "I think we should get rid of him now before a serious accident,
not counting windscreens that is."
"No!" shouted Hazel, "No, it wasn't Ron who started the fire. It was me." "You Hazel" blurted out a surprised Colonel.
"Yes, I asked Ron for a cigarette" she replied. "But you don't smoke" said Dora.
"I just wanted to try one" she continued. "To see what it was like. Ron lit one and gave it to me, then drove off. It tasted horrible, I
spat it out and it landed on the dry grass and set it alight. It was me."
"You do realise you're on probation here" replied the Colonel. "You'll have to go back into care."
"No she won't" exclaimed Ron. "I threw my cigarette stub out of the window as I drove off, I set fire to the farm."
"Thought as much" said Steve. "Get rid of him Colonel, now."
"Just a minute" interrupted Slugger, "The Colonel made a mistake a few days ago, are we going to get rid of him as well?".
"I say Ron stays" said Hazel. "Me too" agreed Dora. "Let's give him another chance Steve" said Slugger.

"I'll make a wish on the Lightning Tree" said Dora. "Talking of which, I'll get my shovel" replied Steve.
"Shovel, what do you want a shovel for Steve?" asked the Colonel.
"To dig a moat around the Lightning Tree" he replied. "It's the only way it's going to be safe around here. It's an endangered species
when Hazel's around. Oh, and better get Tockwith Repair and Reframing Services to put unbreakable glass in the horse pictures."
"I believe they've already put some in their van windscreen" said Ron, "Just in case the Colonel's around when they bring the
pictures back." "Oh I think you're slightly exaggerating things Stryker" the Colonel answered.
"Maybe" said Ron, "But they're the only firm I know of whose drivers have had to wear hard hats inside their vehicles these last few
days when they've been within a five mile radius of Follyfoot."

"Yes" said Slugger, "And we've 'eard Hull Kingston Rovers Rugby Club want the Colonel to take their penalty kicks next season."

To be continued.........

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Never a dull moment
« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2016, 04:29:06 PM »

"I've been thinking" said Slugger, the next day, "Oh is that what it is replied Ron. And 'ere was me imagining it was a threshing machine
in the field, when really is was the rusty old cogs going round in your head Slugs. Mind you, as there's a vacuum in your cranium it
probably wouldn't make any sound at all." " 'Ere, we ain't got a vacuum in the cranium" replied Slugger, "I've just got me brush in
the broom cupboard." "So what were you thinking Slugger?" asked Dora.
"Well, these housekeeping accounts" he answered, "They don't add up."
"Not surprised if you worked them out Slugs" said Ron. "Ever since you used your abacus as a washboard. Half the beads are
missing." "Look" replied Slugger, "This is what I mean. Last month we spent 75 pence on Yorkshire tea. That's more than we ever spend." "Is that new pence or old pence?" asked Steve. "I dunno" Slugger replied, "Some were a bit grubby looking and some were
quite shiny, I never look at the date." "No, what Steve means is are you working this out using decimal or pre decimal pennies"
asked  Dora. "Well they wern't all pennies" exclaimed Slugger, "There were a lot of sixpence pieces as well. I always save them up."
"Yes but a sixpence piece isn't worth six pennies now" explained Dora. "Since we've gone decimal there's a hundred pennies in a pound
so a sixpence piece is only worth two and a half pennies."
"So," chipped in the Colonel," If you paid for them in sixpence pieces in the old money  then it's only cost 75 old pence which is
six shillings and threepence."
"So what do you reckon Slugs" said Dora.
"I reckon next time I'll buy coffee" said a bemused Slugger.

"And look here" remarked Slugger, "Last month we spent two pounds on Daz washing powder, that's more than we spent on stew."
"I'm not surprised" replied Steve, "It's because of your stew we needed all that Daz."
"What do you mean" replied Slugger.
"It gave us the runs" said Ron.

"And here's another problem, take my sausages" said Slugger.
"I wish someone would" exclaimed Ron, "Then we wouldn't have a problem."
"They're really dear Ron."
"Oh thanks Slugs, I think you're a sweetie too" he replied.
 "No, they're 20p a pound, they keep going up" said Slugger.
"So do balloons, it's inflation me old mate" replied Ron.

"And just look at this invoice for all the eggs we've had this month, I can't understand it" continued Slugger.
"Well that says 'EGGS, TOTAL FOR MONTH, SIX POUNDS' said Ron. "How did you work that out?" asked Slugger.
"It's been scrambled" said Ron.

"And I can't work out your filing system Slugs" said Dora, looking in a rather worn out folder full of bills. "Why is 'Hay' in A ?".
" 'Cause it's 'Ay" he replied.
"And why is 'sausages' in B ?".
" 'Cause they're bangers."
"And why's this receipt for 'Spectacles' in C ?".
" 'Cause I use 'em to see with."
"And whys all these ingredients for your stew in D ?" asked Dora.
" 'Cause Slugger's stew's deadly" piped up Ron, '"Ere, I bet there's plenty of bills in 'O' ".
"Yes there is" answered Dora, "How did you know Ron?".
" 'Orse feed, 'Orsebox, 'Orseshoes, 'orses saddles, 'orse tack, 'ome improvements, 'osepipe. Oh, and 'ot pants" said Ron.
"Not much in 'H' then" said Steve.
"No" replied Dora" looking in the folder, "Just things we've bid for and bought at Hauction."

"It's very quiet" said the Colonel that evening. "No arguing, nothing's been damaged, nothing's caught fire. I'm bored."
"Bored" said Slugger, "Bored he says. There's cooking to be done, washing to be done, fences to be creosoted, roofs to repair,
dusting to be done, well, maybe not, tack to clean, 'orses to feed and water, stables to muck out, where do you want to start?".
"Well I was thinking maybe I should take up a hobby" exclaimed the Colonel. "Something with an element of danger in it."
"You could always stand against the wall and play dodge the crockery whilst Hazel throws mugs at your head" said Ron.
"Or you could take up Bull Riding" said Steve, " 'Cause, you'd have to practise on the donkey's first."
"Or Skydiving into the water trough" exclaimed Slugger.
"Or Abseiling down from the top of the Lightning Tree" said Dora.
"Or Scuba Diving in the lake maybe" smiled Hazel.
"Or, if you want something really dangerous Colonel," continued Ron, "You could always eat your meals here that Slugger's cooked."
"What!, eat Slugger's meals, you mean eat food that Slugger's cooked" said the Colonel, his face ashen.
"Exactly" replied Ron.
"Well, I er....I er....I think maybe I'll stick to doing my Times crossword" he answered. "Although I'll keep the other suggestions in mind."

Suddenly the phone rang. "Get that can you Steve" shouted the Colonel. His hands were still shaking.
"Hello" said Steve...."You want to speak to Dora. Who is this met her on holiday in Cornwall...Just a minute."
"Blimey" said Slugger, "Fireworks about to start" said Ron, rubbing his hands. "This could be interesting" exclaimed Hazel.
"Phone call for you Dora" said Steve, "Your holiday romance on the other end I expect."
Dora took the call in private, shutting the door. Steve paced up and down the room.
"Sit down" said Slugger, "You'll wear that bit of carpet out." "Perhaps Jim wore Dora out" commented Ron.
Steve spun round and threw his mug of tea at Ron. Ron ducked. It hit one of the restored horse pictures knocking it  off the wall. It
smashed on the ground. "Oh no, not again" groaned the Colonel, "It's only just been repaired, the varnish on the frame's hardly had time to dry." Steve and Ron started fighting. Hazel started screaming.
"Ah that's more like it" exclaimed the Colonel," Normal service has been resumed." Three more pictures were knocked off the wall in
the scuffle.
" 'Ere, did they cost much to repair Colonel?" asked Slugger.
"I don't know" he replied, "I havn't had the last bill yet."

Slugger prised Steve and Ron apart. Dora entered the room. "Dora..." started Steve. "It's none of your business" she retorted. "And
it wasn't a holiday romance. Jim was stopping at the same bed and breakfast as me. I confided in him and told him my problems.
He came to my room."
"I bet he did" said Ron.
Steve flew at Ron again, but Slugger was ready and held him back.
The Colonel stood as if  guarding the remaining pictures left on the wall, arms outstretched. "Touchy today aren't we Steve" said Ron.
"We just talked" said Dora. "And it was Jim who persuaded me to come back to Follyfoot. To be with you all. We all need someone to
confide in." "Yes we do" said Hazel, looking across at Ron. "I'm sorry" said Steve to Dora.
"Why do you always jump to the wrong conclusions Steve?" Dora replied. "Why can't you trust people?".
"It's Ron" he answered. "He winds me up."

"Yeah" said Ron grinning. "Just like a watch. And the mainspring always snaps. And then it don't work. Well not properly. See, the
heart is a funny thing, it rules the head."
"Yes it does" exclaimed Hazel. "That was my problem. I just used to snap at the silliest things. But since I've met Ron I've realised
that love can change people. And me and Ron are in love."

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Never a dull moment
« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2016, 05:41:09 PM »
"Good Lord" exclaimed the Colonel.
"Hazel, Ron," said a surprised Dora.
"Blimey" said a shocked Slugger, dropping a tray.
Steve stood open mouthed. "I can't believe what's just happened" he said.
"I know" replied Slugger, "That was  my last best teapot and mugs on that tray."

"I'm sorry Steve" said Ron, "But what Hazel says is right. We love each other." 
"Maybe you need love Steve" said Hazel, "But your head is overruling your heart."
Ron picked up the shattered pictures lying on the floor. "Broken pictures can be repaired like new" he said. "They can be broken over
and over again and can be mended. You can't see where the cracks have been. Because it's been lovingly restored by an expert, a special person. Not like a heart. When a heart is broken it can take a long time to mend. Sometimes it never does. Sometimes it can be broken more than once. And sometimes, like a picture, it can be lovingly restored by a special person. And, for me, Hazel was that
special person. She has mended my heart."

"Oh Ron" said Dora. "I never knew. I never realised."
"No, people don't" replied Ron. "They think I'm a stupid fool who's never been in love, who's never been hurt before."

Steve looked Ron in the eyes. "Oh mate, I'm sorry" he said.
"Are you alright Slugger" said the Colonel, "You're crying."
"I'm just upset about me teapot" he said, wiping his eyes.

The Colonel lit his pipe. "Well" he said thoughtfully, "There's never a dull moment here at Follyfoot."
Suddenly there was a loud crackling noise and a bright blue flash came from the electrical box in the corner.
All the lights went out. They were all in the dark. All that could be seen was the Colonel's pipe, glowing.
"What was that you were saying Colonel Sir" said Slugger, sniffing.

                                                                                     THE END

Cut out the strong to help the weak