PART 4
The car pulled up. A tall man with a moustache got out with his wife. "Well hello" said the Colonel, "Basil Fawlty. Nice to see you again
Basil. And you too Sybil." "Hello there Colonel" answered Basil. "I used to holiday at Basil's hotel in Torquay, Fawlty Towers, years ago"
the Colonel said to everyone." "Yes, I still run it" replied Basil. "You mean I run it" said Sybil, "With the help of Polly."
"You got a parrot then?" asked Slugger. "Look" said Basil, "Who takes all the bookings, cleans the bedrooms, cooks the meals and
generally looks after the guests in a calm and serene manner?". Sybil looked at Basil. "Me and Polly, the maid" she answered ". "Yes, well
we were in the area sightseeing for a few days so we thought we'd pop in and see you Colonel" said Basil. "Excellent" he replied.
"If you'll excuse me for a moment" said Basil. He walked over to the table where the ladies were sitting and crawled under it.
"Something wrong?" asked the Colonel. "Just checking" replied Basil. "We've just had the health and safety people inspect our
hotel" said Sybil. "He's got a thing about it now." "Just ferreting around" he shouted, "Seeing if I can find anything."
"Oooo" exclaimed Mildred, her eyes bulging, "You nearly found something there."
Basil's face appeared, smiling."Yes, that's fine" he said. "Nothing under here. Except for a dead rat."
"Aaarghh" shouted Olive, Daisy, Mildred and Hyacinth, all leaping up. "Only joking" said Basil. "There's just pickled onions under there."
"Oh they'll be mine" said George, "I dropped some, 'Ere, pass 'em over 'ere."
"You stupid man" said Olive, munching another piece of cake, "I nearly had a heart attack there."
"Didn't seem to affect your appetite" replied Arthur. "Well that was a very foolhardy thing to say" exclaimed Onslow.
"I'm sorry, did you speak" said Basil. "Did your incompetent, worthless, inadequate, inept brain send a message to your mouth giving
instructions for an ignoramus simpleton to say something." "Just calm down Basil" said Sybil. "Sit down and have a cup of tea."
"Oh of course" replied Basil. "A cup of tea. The answer to everything isn't it Sybil. I'm surrounded by hapless, ineffectual morons. I mean,
just look at him over there. The Hitler lookalike. I bet he got shot at a few times by his own men in the war."
"That's Blakey, he's wearing a bus inspector's outfit" said Stan.
"A bus inspector's outfit" replied Basil. "Did he think it was a fancy dress party he was coming to then?. He could have come as a
tomato sauce bottle, a lobster or a hot dog. Or more aptly, Dopey, of the seven dwarfs."
"No, we borrowed our bus to come here" said Stan. "I drove it and brought Jack, Arthur, Olive and Blakey here."
"Borrowed a bus" exclaimed Basil. "Couldn't you have just come in a taxi, like normal people for heavens sake."
"We came on a motorcycle and sidecar" said George.
"Yes, unfortunately" replied Mildred. "Mind you, I'd have been safer riding pillion with Evel Knievel and doing a leap over Blakey's bus. I
mean, fancy driving me into a muckheap George. I still keep finding straw in my..." "Knickers to you lot" shouted Basil."
"Er...well no, actually I meant my hair" said Mildred, running her fingers along the top of her head.
"Double decker buses, sidecars, did anyone else come here using unusually abnormal transport?" asked Basil. "A submarine perhaps,
a flying saucer, a snow plough maybe?". "Sit down!" said Sybil firmly. Basil sat down.
"So what's your hotel like Mr Fawlty?" asked Hyacinth.
"It's full of half-witted idiotic moronic people" he replied. "Yes, and the guests are just as bad" said Sybil.
"I mean, take our Spanish waiter, Manuel," said Basil. "Has anyone ever met such a bizarre, peculiar, freakish, eccentric person."
"Why are you looking at me like that Sybil" said Basil.
"Do you do offers?" asked Mildred. "You know, stay for two weeks and get one week free."
"I don't know" exclaimed Basil, "No one's ever stopped that long."
"I'm not surprised" said George, "with your attitude. And I bet you don't get many guests returning either."
"I'm sorry, did you say something?" asked Basil. "Are you implying that I'm rude, you uncivil, disrespectful, disagreeable little twit."
"No of course not" replied George.
"Well I think you're rude" said Daisy. "You were rude to my Onslow. You inferred he was stupid."
"Oh did I" said Basil. "Did I really. And did I mention his wife was a bulging, potbellied, whalelike butterball."
"No I don't think you did" she said.
"He's got a funny way of making friends with people" said Onslow.
"Basil, try one of these sandwiches" said Sybil, "They're salmon and cucumber, your favourite."
"Salmon, what type of salmon is it?" asked Basil." Atlantic Salmon, Chinook Salmon, Sockeye Salmon, Coho Salmon, Black Sea Salmon,
chum Salmon?".
"It's Tesco's finest tinned Pink Salmon" replied Steve.
"I'm sorry, did you say Tesco's finest tinned Pink Salmon" said Basil.
"Yes" said Steve, "We only buy the best."
"Oh do you" exclaimed Basil. "Do you really. And did the rotting, putrid cucumber come in a brown stained polythene bag with the words 'Reduced for quick sale'on it." "Basil" growled Sybil.
"They're very nice sandwiches" said Mildred. "I've just had one. 'Burrrp'. Oh, sorry about that."
"So what do you like about Torquay Basil?" asked George.
"Oh the view from our hotel windows is beguiling, captivating, bewitching" replied Basil. "The Great Pyramids, their masonry
structures reaching high into the sky almost touching the clouds, the sun reflecting off their vertexes. Herds of Springbok's leaping
across the dry grasslands. The Great Wall of China, surrounding our modest, unassuming little hotel before disappearing into
the distance."
"Are you trying to be funny" said George.
"Well you started it" replied Basil.