Ronnie Barker gets mixed up in some funny business

[pete.r.]

                                                 Ronnie Barker gets mixed up in some funny business

A story in four parts

PART 1

The Colonel was sat in his chair, his newspaper in his hands. Suddenly he shouted out "I've done it, I've done it !"
" 'Ave yer" said Slugger. "Blimey, I must've missed it then." "Ere, you ain't taken them laxative tablets instead of your Iron Jelloids
again " said Ron.
"Done what Uncle?" asked Dora, glowering at Ron.
"I've done The Times crossword in record time" he replied, looking at his hunters pocket watch, "Seven minutes and forty seconds."
"Is that good then?" asked Slugger.
"Well, let's put it this way" said Steve, "It's the equivalent of you frying 100 eggs and  everyone coming out perfect."
"That's impossible" answered Slugger. "We know that" exclaimed Ron.
"To quote Audrey Hepburn" said Dora, "Nothing's impossible."
"I think you'll find imposition in the dictionary is next to impossible" said the Colonel, a glint in his eye.
"Oh you are clever Uncle" said Dora, "You should be on that t.v. programme, Mastermind."
The Colonel sat back in his chair puffing on his pipe. "Mastermind" he said, "Yes, Mastermind."
He closed his eyes. He could see himself on the programme.

"And the next contestant is Colonel Maddocks" said Magnus Magnusson. "In the first round you scored 25 points on your chosen
specialist subject, "Pipe smokers of the 20th Century." You really set the round ablaze there."
The lights dimmed.
"You have two minutes on general knowledge questions starting............now.
What was the name of the pop group who sang the song called... Aaarrghh."
" 'Fraid you've got me beaten on that one" The Colonel replied. "I'll guess The Stranglers."
The St. John ambulance men rushed in, Mr Magnusson lay on the floor. They stretchered him out. The lights came on.
" 'Fraid Mr Magnusson's had a bit of a turn" said the director. "Is there anyone in the audience who could take over the questioning?"
A rather well built middle aged man with greying hair, moustache and wearing spectacles put his hand up.
"What's your name?" asked the director.
"Arkwright" he replied. "But my mate calls me d...d.... donkey."
"Any idea why?" inquired the director.
"No, but he aw, he aw, he aw, he always calls me that."
"O.K. said the director, "You'll do. Here's the questions."

The lights dimmed.
"You have a minute and a ha...ha...ha...ha..."
"Stop laughing and get on asking the questions" exclaimed the Colonel.
"And a haaalf" said Arkwright. "What was the b...b...b...bar...bar...barbie doll m...m...m...modelled on.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat the question" replied the Colonel.
"No, I don't think I could" said Arkwright.
"Was it Dolly Parton? asked the Colonel.
"No, but I see where you're c...c...coming from" said Arkwright. "It was a doll called B...B...B...Bild L...L...L...Lilli.
Who wrote these qua...qua...questions."
"I know that one" exclaimed Colonel Maddocks, I met him earlier in the day. "They're written by a professional wordsmith. That's
one I've got right.
" 'Fraid not" replied Arkwright. "That wasn't a question, it was a statement."
"When was the Beatles first sin...sin...sin..."I know this one" interrupted the Colonel. "The Beatles first single was released in 1962."
"I'm sorry, that's incorrect" Answered Arkwright.
"No it's not" exclaimed the Colonel, "It was called "Love me do."
"You didn't let me finish the question. What was the Beatles first Singapore t...t...t...trip. It was 1964."
"Oh this is preposterous" retorted the Colonel.
"I'm glad I didn't have to say that" came the reply.
"Right, n...next. How do you spell the word p...p...p...p...p,,,pepper. Is it 6 p's or 7 ?"
"Oh this is ridiculous" said an anguished Colonel Maddocks.
"Next - Name three sports that start with t...t...t..."
"That's easy" said the Colonel, "Table tennis, Tug of war and Throwing the javelin."
"No, you interrupted too early, the question, is name three sports that start with tossing a coin" said Arkwright with great clarity, smiling."
"Oh this is insane" shouted the Colonel, "The man's a fr...fr...fr..
"A frenzied fractious frump?" answered Arkwright.
"No."
"A frugal frenetic Freemason?"
"No."
"A frivolous frustrated Franciscan?"
"No."
"Beep beep beep beep" went the buzzer.
"I've started so I'll finish" said the Colonel. "The man's a fraud."

Suddenly the lights came on and a voice said "Mr Magnusson is now able to continue, he just had slight indigestion."
Arkwright walked off grinning. "And in that round Colonel Maddocks you scored no points and one pass." A disgtuntled Colonel stormed
 off.
"And our next contestant is Mr Ron Stryker. In your first round Mr Stryker, you scored 21 points on your chosen subject, The Beano comic. You carry on in that form and they'll beano stopping you. You need 5 points to win and have have two minutes starting...now.
Who invented the Rotory Motion for the steam engine?" he mumbled.
"What" said Ron, unable to hear him properly.
"Correct"
"What was the name of the BBC Radio 4 comedy panel game hosted by Humphrey Lyttleton?"
Ron sat open mouthed.
"I'm sorry, I havn't a clue" he said.
"Correct"
"In mathematics what is 12 squared?"
Ron looked bemused. He pulled a face.
" 'Ere, that's gross" he said.
"Yes, 144, I can accept that answer" replied Magnus.
"According to Casanova's autobiography, what did his ladyfriend Henriette say to him when he seduced her on their first date?"
Ron looked aghast.
"Ooh, that's a hard one" he said.
"Correct."
"You can't allow that" shouted the Colonel from his chair, "That's rude."
"She was referring to the bunion on his left foot" said Magnus."
"Mr Stryker, you need one more point to win. I have to take your first answer. What is the name of the children's party game, it's
something the parcel."
Ron looked mystified.
"Pass" he replied.
"Correct Mr Stryker" answered Magnus, you're the 1973 Mastermind champion. I'm sure if we had asked you at the start of the
competition if you thought you could win it then the answer you'd have given us would beano.

"I was robbed" bellowed the Colonel, "It's not fair." "Uncle, wake up" said Dora, "You've been daydreaming."
"Magnus," mumbled the Colonel.
"What" said Ron.
"Magnusson" he continued.
"I'm sorry, I havn't a clue what you're talking abut Uncle" said Dora. "Do you know Steve."
"Pass" he said.
The Colonel got up from his chair, he was half asleep, he knocked himself on the chair leg. "Ouch" he cried out.
"That was gross negligence" said Ron.
"Careful with that chair leg Colonel" said Slugger, "That's a hard one."

"So, as we were saying" said Steve, "You think you'd like to go on Mastermind Colonel"
"No" he replied, rubbing his sore knee, "I think I'll give it a miss and stick to my crosswords.
"Anyone else got anything they'd have liked to have done in their life?" asked Dora


To be continued.........

[pete.r.]

PART 2

"Actually" said Steve, "I'd like to own a little corner shop, with you all helping me out. Yes," he said...."A little corner shop."
His mind wandered.........He was behind the counter with Slugger. Lord Beck walked in. "Do you sell muffins?" he asked Slugger.
"Do we sell muffins" replied Slugger. "Do we sell muffins. 'Ere Steve, do we sell muffins?"
"We sell everything" said Steve. "Oh jolly good show, I'll take a dozen" replied Lord Beck.
"We've sold out" answered Steve. "Sorry and all that." Just then nurse Gladys Emmanuel strutted in.
"But we've got some crumpet just arrived" said Slugger.
"Thanks awfully" said Lord Beck, "But I'll just take my usual weekly supply of cigarettes then."
"Pass us 1000 of those Park Drive Slugger could you please" said Steve.
"Oh, and a packet of sugar free chewing gum" continued Lord Beck. "Got to look after the old health, what."

"Hello Steve" purred Gladys, "What've you got on offer today then?". Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream from Slugger.
"I say" said Lord Beck, "That till went for you there old boy, what."
"Yeah" replied Slugger, delicately putting his fingers in the till for change. "Aaargh!!". It slammed shut, trapping his tie in it.
Steve, Gladys and Lord Beck all pulled Slugger back. His tie broke. "Blimey" said Slugger, "That's the fourth one it's eaten this week."
"Reminds me of that t.v. programme Mastermind" said Gladys, "They employ a tie breaker as well."
"That beast wants putting down" exclaimed Lord Beck, lighting up his second cigarette, before walking out.
"Yes" said Gladys, "And I think you ought to do something about that till as well Steve."
" 'Ere, 'ang about missus" said Slugger.
"So what special offers have you got for me today Steve" continued Gladys.
"These are new" Steve replied," Toms terrifically tough tearable toilet tissues." "Bog Rolls to you" exclaimed Slugger.
"They're a shilling a roll" replied Steve.
"Or a Bob for a bob" said Slugger.
"Do you mind" said Gladys, putting her glasses on to read the label. "Here's 5p, I'll take one. And it's about time you went decimal."
"We've only just got the hang of pounds shillings and pence" answered Slugger.
"Now what does it say, hang on, it's all in Chinese" said Gladys, " The only words I can make out are Ah-So."
"Ah so right you are" said Steve." Trust you to buy cheap imported rubbish" answered Gladys.

Mrs Blewitt walked into the shop. "Hello Mrs Blewitt" said Slugger, "Havn't seen you for a while, have you been ill?"
"No I'm fine" she replied. "And yourself?"
"I've been Filey" he said.
"Oh well that's why you havn't seen me for a while" she answered, "If you've been on holiday."
"Nah, I 'aint been on 'oliday" said Slugger. "I've bin in the office, sortin' out the paperwork and puttin' it in order."
"Oh you mean you've been filing" exclaimed Mrs Blewitt.
"Yeah, that's what I said" replied Slugger. "Now, what can I do you for?" She looked round, making sure no one could hear her.
"Have you got anything for wind" she said, in a soft voice.
" 'Ere Steve" shouted Slugger, "Mrs Blewitt wants to know if we've got anything for wind."
"Ssshh" she said, as everyone in the shop turned round. "Steve don't seem to be about" he said. He rummaged on the shelf.
"Ah yes" exclaimed Slugger, "This is what you want." He put a large box on the counter. "What is it?" she asked.
"A weather vane" said Slugger.
"A weather vane" she replied.
"Yeah, it's got little letters on the ends that tells you where the wind's coming from."
"Oh I know where it's coming from" she said.
"And it's got a long pole with a spike on the end" continued Slugger. "You put it up yourself."
"Oooh that sounds painful" she said, wincing. "Havn't you got anything else."
Steve arrived, having heard Slugger shouting for him. "Mrs Blewitt wants something for wind" he said. "Oh Slugger" exclaimed Steve,
looking at the weather vane, "You really do try and sell people ridiculous things sometimes. Here you are Mrs Blewitt, you'll find
this is what you need" he said, handing her a brown paper bag."
"Oh thanks Steve" she replied, "At least you're sensible. What's in it?"
"A gas mask" he replied.

"Hey Slugs, Dora and Callie are outside, they've come to take over and do the afternoon shift" said Steve. "We're back on this evening.
They're talking to Bert the policeman." Dora had come on Copper and was just tying him up to a lamp post. Callie had come on her bike.
"I'm sorry" said Bert to Dora. "You'll have to move him."
"Why" answered Callie. "He's not on a single yellow line, or on a double yellow line, or on a cycle track, or in front of a dropped kerb,
or on a zebra crossing or on zig-zag lines, or on a clearway, or on a humpback bridge, or on a bend. 
So why should Dora have to move him?"
"Because he's standing on my foot" replied Bert.

Dora and Callie went into the shop, behind the counter. "I'm off then" said Steve. "I'll just finish stacking this shelf then I'm off too"
said Slugger. Mr Clegg the builder walked in. "Hello Mr Clegg" said Dora, "What're you doing here?"
"I'm renovating a house down the street" he replied. "This is my mate Stan, he's helping me." Stan was stocky and had grey hair and
a moustache and wore spectacles. He wore bib and Brace overalls. "I'll leave Stan with you, he's come to pick some bits up we need."

"What can I help you with?" asked Dora.
"Cem...cem...cem..." stuttered Stan.
"Cement" said Dora.
"No, some sandwiches. I'm starvin' ".
"Wood...wood..."
"Wood for the renovation?" inquired Dora.
"No, would you put some ketchup on me sandwiches."
"Sand...sand...sand.."
"Sand to mix with cement" exclaimed Dora.
"No, sandwiches for Mr Clegg, 'ees starvin as well."
"Roo...roo...roo..."
"Roof tiles" joined in Callie.
"No, rhubarb crumble for me puddin'."
"And put...put...put..."
"Putty?" asked Dora.
"No, put some custard on me crumble."
"Ham...Ham...ham..."
"I think I've got this one" said Callie, "Ham cobs for your tea."
"No, a hammer, them crumbles can be a bit hard sometimes."
"Cof... cof... cof...cof..."
"Coffee" exclaimed Dora.
"No sorry" he replied, spluttering. "I must give these fags up."
"Bree...bree..."
"Breeze blocks for the wall" enthused Callie.
"No, brie cheese for me supper" he answered."
"B...b...b   "
"Bricks?" asked Dora.
"No, b...b...brown.."
"Brown bread to go with your cheese" said an excited Callie.
"No"
"Brown sugar to go in your coffee" said Dora.
"No."
"Brown paper to wrap your cheese sandwiches in" exclaimed Callie.
"No, brown...brown...brownin..."
"Browning Gravy" said Dora.
"No."
"Browning powder?" asked Callie.
"No."
"I can't get this one" said Dora.
"Me neither" said Callie, "can you give us a clue.?"
He pointed to the door frame. "Brownin' " he said.
"No, I still can't get it" said Dora.
Slugger was just walking out. " 'Ee means brown 'inges to 'ang a door on" he said.
Stan put his thumbs up.
Dora flopped in her chair, exhausted.

"Dora, Dora, wake up" said Steve, "I was just telling you how I wanted to own my own shop."
"Oh sorry" replied Dora, "I'm worn out."
"Well, what do you think of my idea" said Steve. "Well, it's alright I suppose" said Dora. "Provided you sell headache tablets."


To be continued.........

[pete.r.]

PART 3

"Right" said The Colonel, "What would you have liked to have done Slugger?". " 'Ere" he replied, "I'd have loved to 'ave been in a
comedy double act. Yeah, a comedy duo." He went deep into thought. He was sat in a chair. The grey haired man with a moustache
and wearing spectacles sat in a chair next to him.

"Good morning" said Slugger, "And with me in the studio today I have Mr Lowden Clear, an expert in answering questions before they've
been asked."
"Hello, how are you" asked Slugger.  "Bloody awful" he replied, in a precise, distinct voice.
"How's the weather been?".  "Had nothing but wind today."
"What's caused that then?".  "Brussels for a week."
"Where did you go for your holidays?".  "Turkey."
"What did you have for Xmas dinner?".  "A gerbil."
"What did you buy your daughter for Xmas?".  "A bag of manure."
"What did you pot on your roses this year, they were a lovely colour?".  "A tin of red paint."
"You finished decorating the kitchen then, what did you use?".  "A tube of pink lipstick."
"So what did you buy the wife for Xmas?".  "An electric razor with an attachment for trimming moustaches."
"And what did she buy you?".  "A white lacy bra."
"And what did your daughter buy her mum?".  "A book, how to lose 2 stone in a month."
"You've lost some weight lately, what helped you do it?".  "The wifes cooking."
"What did you enjoy most at Xmas?".  "The mother in law died."
"I hear you went to a funeral?".  "Best laugh I've had in ages."
"What, you went to a nudist camp for your holidays?".  "Yes, the wife got 2 lovely big melons."
"Did you get something nice to eat?".  "The meat and two veg. was very popular."
"So you hung agound the cafe a lot?".  "Nearly poked the wifes eye out twice."
"Those kebabs on sticks can be very dangerous?".  "Yes, especially if you sit on one."
"So the chairs were comfy then?".  "They were a bit small, but the wife managed to wee in them."
"What were the toilets like?".  "Not too bad, but we didn't like the plain see through glass in the doors."
"How was your hotel room?".  "Six foot deep in water."
"And the swimming pool?".  "It's Clear."
"Well, it's been nice interviewing you, I'm sorry but I've forgotten your name. Goodbye everyone."
"Yeah" said Slugger, "That's what I'd like to have done, a comedy double act."

"What about you Ron?" asked Dora, "Have you any ambitions?".
" 'Ere, I'd love to be in comedy as well" he replied, "But as an actor, like in a sit-com." "Yeah, you're good at sitting" answered Steve.
Ron sat back in his chair. "Yeah, a sit-com" he said. "See what I mean" said Steve.

"Welcome to Her Majesty's Slade Prison Ron, I'm Mr MacKay, prison warder." It was Ron's first day as a prison officer. He looked very
smart in his uniform and cap.
"You've got to be very careful in hear, it's full of nasty, unpleasant, evil men who'd steal from their own granny" said Mr MacKay.
"And the prisoners are just as bad. Mr Barrowclough here will show you the ropes, I'll leave you in his capable hands."
Mr Barrowclough was an ageing prison officer. "Right Ron, I'll show you round" he said. They went into a cell.
"This is Norman Stanley Fletcher" he continued, "Known as Fletch. He's one of the oldest inmates. And this is young Lennie Godber,
known as Godber."
"Hello, I'm Ron Stryker."
"Stryker" replied Godber, grinning. "With a name like that you ought to be on the inside."
" 'Ere, are you any relation to Arthur Scargill" said Fletch.
"So what made you want to be a prison officer Ron?" asked Godber.
"Well, I wanted to do something to help the community" replied Ron. "Plus I heard that women like men in uniform."
"I think you'd have had more luck if you wore a fireman's outfit and had a big chopper" said Godber.
"Oh I don't know" answered Fletch, "The wife doesn't like fireman's outfits, but she's quite partial to a big..."  "Chop for her Sunday
lunch with new potatoes" interrupted Mr Barrowclough.

"Now, sit down Ron" said Fletch, patting him on the shoulder. He took a cigarette out of a packet, offering one to Godber.
"I don't think you should be smoking your cigarettes in a prison cell" said Ron to Fletch. "I'm not" replied Fletch, "They're your
cigarettes." Ron felt inside his pocket. " 'Ere, they're mine, and that's my lighter" he exclaimed, as Fletch and Godber lit up.
"The hand is quicker than the eye" said Fletch. "Rule number one, trust no one in here."
"Yes, you've got to have your wits about you in here" said Mr Barrowclough. "When you've been around as long as I have you won't
get caught out like that."
"Oh, and here's your pocket watch Mr Barrowclough" said Fletch. "And your wallet."

"Right, I have to go out for a few minutes to sign some papers" said Mr Barrowclough. "Behave yourselves Fletch and Godber."
He walked out.
"Has he gone?" asked Fletch. "Yes" replied Godber, looking through the small window in the door. "Right Ron," said Fletch, "Got the
chocolate bars?". "Yes" said Ron, emptying a load of chocolate out of his pockets. "And the fags?" "Yep" exclaimed Ron, handing
over packets of cigarettes from his inside pocket. "Brilliant" said Fletch. "And whatever you do, don't let on to any one you're
Godber's cousin. You're going to be a big asset to us in here. Did you remember to bring the senna pods?" "Yes" replied Ron.
"Right" said Fletch, "This is what I want you to do. Today, monday, we always have curry......"

A few minutes later Mr Barrowclough returned. "Right Ron, I'll take you to see the kitchen now, where all the food's prepared and
cooked. What did you think of Fletch and Godber?"
"They're very nice" replied Ron.
"They're sly, crafty criminals" said Mr Barrowclough, "Always devising cunning plans. You can't trust them. But luckily, with my
experience, I can always spot when they're up to something. They can't fool me."

"Right, here's the kitchen. What're you cooking today Heslop?".
"I'm not sure" he said.
"What day is it today?".
"Monday" answered Ron.
"It'll be chicken curry then" answered Heslop. "Let's have a look" said Ron. Heslop took the lid of a huge vat, "Yes I was right"
 said, Heslop "It is chicken curry."
"Well couldn't you remember preparing it" said Mr Barrowclough, "That was only an hour ago."
"I'm not a crocodile you know, I can't remember everything" said Heslop.
"You mean an elephant" replied Ron.
"Yes, we see what you mean" said Mr Barrowclough. "Smells nice" enthused Ron.

It was lunchtime. Everyone sat eating the curry. Except Fletch, Godber and Ron. "Not eating Fletch" said Mr MacKay, shovelling it down.
"No, I'm not hungry Mr McKay" replied Fletch, "I've got a bit of an upset tummy. Must have been the caramelised kippers we had
with cream yesterday."
"What about you Godber?"
"I'm going vegetarian" he exclaimed.
"Wish I'd known" said Heslop, "I could have done you a chicken salad instead.
"Is he on the same planet as us?" asked Fletch.
"What about you Ron" said Mr MacKay, "Aren't you having any?". "I don't like curry" he said.
"That's funny" said Mr Barrowclough, "Earlier, when you were looking round the kitchen, you said it smelt good."
"That don't mean anything" replied Fletch, "Lukewarm's got a picture of Brigitte Bardot on his cell wall, yet he's as bent as a .." "Yes, I
get your drift" said Mr Barrowclough. Suddenly Mr McKay held his stomach. "I need to go to...to the toilet" he said. He dashed off.
Mr Barrowclough followed. And then all the prisoners rushed towards the toilets, almost fighting to get to them.
"Well, them senna pods did the trick" said Godber." Yeah" replied Fletch, "A lot of the lads are in for a long stretch."

After lunch everyone was outside, it was exercise time. "That was very funny Fletch" said Grouty, "At dinner time."








 

[pete.r.]

"Yes, I thought so too" said Fletch.
"Except you should've tipped me off Fletch" said Grouty, "Not to eat the curry."
"I didn't know anything about it" replied Fletch. "Me neither" said Godber.
"Well, the only other person who didn't eat the curry was that new screw, Ron, and he was shown round the kitchens this morning"
said Grouty, "He must have put something in the food. He nodded towards one of his "Heavies" who went over to Ron and grabbed hold
of his collar. "Mr Grout didn't like what you did" he said, "You made him suffer." He took a flick knife out of his pocket and opened it.
"Now I'll make you suffer"
" 'Ere, 'ang about" answered Ron.
"So it looks like curried testicles on the menu next monday" said Grouty.

"No!" shouted Ron, "No, don't do it!"
"Wake up Ron" said Dora, "You're having a nightmare."
Ron woke up. He was in a cold sweat.
"Blimey" he said, "Forget the comedy acting bit, I'll stick to mucking out."
" 'Ere" said Slugger, " 'Eres a nice cuppa tea Ron. Oh, an' I've made your favourite for supper. Curried meatballs."

Ron nearly choked on his tea.


To be continued.........

[pete.r.]

PART 4

"Well that's very interesting" said the Colonel, "Listening to what you'd all have liked to have done."
"Hang on" said Callie, "You havn't asked me or Dora yet." "Yes of course, sorry, what would you have liked to have done
Callie?". "Better settle down for the evening" said Ron. "Don't be cheeky" Callie answered.
"I'm interested in astronomy, the big bang, black holes and all that sort of thing" said Callie.
"Sounds like a description of Slugger's frying pan" exclaimed Steve.
"But what I'd really like to do, when I'm old enough, is work in a posh hotel, somewhere elite, behind the bar. Yes,
somewhere posh." She sat down, imagining it. She was stood behind a little cocktail bar.
The man with grey hair, moustache and wearing spectacles walked in. "Hello" she said, "What can I get you?".
"A gin and tonic please" he replied. "You're new here aren't you?". "Yes" she answered, "It's my first day, my name's
Callie." "My name's Ivor McDonald Berger" he said, knocking the glass back.
"Same again?" asked Callie. "No, I've drunk that one, I'll have another."
"Are you dining with us today?" inquired Callie.
"Er...yes" he said, "I'll have a packet of salted peanuts please. I'm with those three ladies over there. The one on the
left with the pinkish face and the red spotted dress is my wife. The one in the middle with the bag is my mother in law.
And the one on the right drinking whiskey is my sister."
"Another gin and tonic sir?".
"Yes, why not" he said, "These peanuts make you thirsty. And go steady on the tonic." He knocked it straight back.
"Good job I'm not driving" he exclaimed. "The car's in the car park, I had to move it, I was parked on a double, er, a
double.." "You want a double" said Callie.
"Yesh, exactly" he replied.
"Now, ash I wash shaying, the lady on the left with the pink dress and red spots on her face ish the wife. The bag in
the middle ish the mother in law.The lady on the right ish my sister. She's the one with the large Scotch. You can tell
that by the bulge in his kilt. Shame again pleash Cullie" he said.
"Callie, my name's Callie" she replied.
"Ash in shoopacalliefrashalishtic.....and the rest" he said. "Don't you think you've had enough sir."
He tipped it straight back. "Hardly a drops touched my lipsh" he said. "Now, letsh get thish right. The lady on the left
with the spotted bag over her head ish my wife. I can tell that by her big boo..boo...boots that she's wearing. The
lady on the right holding a whisk and a key ish my sister. And the one in the middle with a red face after shqueezing
the Scotsman's shporran ish the mother in law."

The three ladies walked over to the bar. "Is our table ready?" asked one. The man threw a peanut in the air and tried
to catch it in his mouth but he was nowhere near it. It went down one of the womens  cleavage.
"Do you mind" she said.
"No, not at all" he replied. "Would you like another one? he said, taking aim."
"You're drunk" said the woman.
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not."
"Can you tell the time?".
He wobbled over to where a clock stood on the wall.
"I'm not drunk" he said to it.
"Your tables ready madam" said Callie. "And is this gentleman with you?".
"He most certainly is not" said the woman. We've never seen him before in our lives." And off they went to the restaurant.
"Who's been teling porkies then" said Callie. "And I suppose your names not Ivor McDonald Berger."
"No of corsh not" he replied, "Thatsh a shilly name I jushed made up. My real name's Chris.P. Bacon.  Hic!"

"Yes" said Callie, back in the land of the living. "That's what I'd like to do."
"And what about you Dora" said the Colonel. "Or needn't I ask." "Oh I just like my horses" replied Dora. "I don't want to do anything else."
"Thought as much" said the Colonel. "Oh, that reminds me Dora, Ronnie the milkman phoned this morning, he's
packing up his milk round, doesn't know what to do with his horse, Gold Top."
"Oh no" exclaimed Ron, "Not another bloomin' 'orse to look after."
"I'll go and see him straight away" said Dora. She arrived at the milkman's.
"Hello" said a stocky grey haired man with a moustache wearing spectacles. "I'm Ronnie." "So you're giving up the milk
round" said Dora."Yes" replied Ronnie, "I'm Ronnie Barker, me and my mate Ronnie Corbett are going into comedy,
doing funny sketches together." A small dark haired man wearing spectacles appeared.
"Hello" he said,  "I'm Ronnie Corbett. "Trouble is"  said the larger Ronnie, "We can't think of a name to call ourselves,
something short and witty that people will like and remember."
"Like me" said Ronnie Corbett.
"How about "The two Ronnies" exclaimed Dora.
"Why didn't we think of that Ronnie" said Ronnie Barker. "Brilliant" said the smaller man, "It's so obvious."
"So you don't need your horse then" said Dora. "No" answered Ronnie Barker, "Do you know what we can do with him,
he's been used to pulling carts all his life."
"Well, replied Dora, "Mr Clegg the builder, he's taking on extra men, he's very busy, I'll have a word with him, perhaps
he can use an extra horse."






 

[pete.r.]

"I'm sure you can come to an amicable agreement."
"Oh thank you" replied Ronnie Barker. "I'll call and see him now" said Dora."Well, I hope all goes well with your new venture."
"Thanks, It'll be a big change for me and Ronnie here, he's an otor...otor...otor...he stuttered, oh I can never say that word."
"An otorhinolarynologist" said Ronnie Corbett. "I was into ears, nose and throat."
"Quite literally" said Ronnie Barker, "You're that small. What we need" he continued, "Is a gimmick for our sketches. All
the best comics have a gimmick."
"Why don't you include someone stuttering then in some of your sketches" said Dora.
Hey, what a great idea" said the smaller Ronnie, "You'd be brilliant at that Ronnie." "Thanks Dora", they both said.
"So all we need now", said Ronnie Corbett "Is a catchphrase that people will associate with us."
"Well I have to go now" replied Dora. "It's getting late, It'll be dark soon. I'm off to Mr Cleggs. I'm sure you'll think of
something. Goodnight."
"It's goodnight from me" said Ronnie Corbett.
"And it's goodnight from him" said Ronnie Barker.
Dora got on her horse. "That's it!" she exclaimed. "Your catchphrase".
"What is?" said Ronnie Barker.
"You can end your comedy routine by Ronnie saying "It's goodnight from me", and then you say "And it's goodnight
from him."
"Hey I like it" said Ronnie Corbett excitedly. "Me too, it's perfect Dora" said Ronnie Barker. "Thank you."

The next day everyone had been hard at work at Follyfoot. Except Ron, who'd been working hard to avoid doing any.
They sat down for their dinner, Callie had joined them. "What're we having today Slugs?" she asked.
Slugger brought a pan of fried eggs and burnt bacon out. "It's crispy bacon" he replied.
"Crispy bacon. Chris.P Bacon," murmered Callie. Her mind wandered. She was back at the hotel. The intoxicated man
was still there, at the bar. "Are you all right sir" she asked.
"Yesh, of coursh I am" he said, swaying. "And shtand shtill when I'm talking to you."
A diminutive man, knee-high to a grasshopper, walked into the room. He was very smartly dressed in a dark suit,
bowler hat and wore spectacles. He had a clipboard in his hand. He walked up to the bar.
"Could I just ask you a few questions?" he said. "Of course" replied Callie."
"Could you tell me your name my dear".
"Who's askin'?" said the large man.
"Right, I'll just make a note of that," he said smiling. "Mr Hugh Askin. And what's your name young lady?".
"Her name's Kylie" said the man.
"Right, Kylie," said the bowler hatted man, "I'll just write that down. I'm the hotel inspector" he said. "It's my job to
make sure all the people who work here are doing their job properly. Just carry on with what you were doing whilst I
observe you for a few minutes and make notes. Just ignore me. Try to imagine that I'm not here."
"Shouldn't be too difficult" said the drunk.
"So would you like another gin and tonic sir" asked Callie.
"Just a small one" he said, looking at the man next to him.
"The weather's not been too good today" said Callie, "The days are getting darker."
"And shorter" he replied, staring down at the man.
"But they say we might get some sunshine later" continued Callie.
"Just a little" he said, still looking at him.

Suddenly Bert the policeman marched in.
"It's been brought to my attention that there's an obnoxious man in here who's been annoying people" he said.
The large man tried to sit on a bar stool, but he was too tipsy and slipped off and went crashing to the floor
"Are you alright?" said Bert, "Let me help you up. I saw what happened there. This man in the bowler hat pushed you."
"I beg your pardon" said the man with the clipboard. Bert took out his handcuffs.
"I'm arresting you sir for disorderly behaviour. Anything you say may be taken down."
"My Christmash decorations" said the well oiled man.
"But officer..." "Save your excuses for my sergeant" said Bert. "I'm taking you down the station."
The man stood at the bar throwing peanuts into the air.
"I don't know" he said, "Shum people jusht don't know how to behave in public, do they Lackey."

"Lackey.....Lackey," said Callie. She suddenly realised she was sitting at the dinner table with her friends.
" 'Ere, I'm not a lackey" said Ron.
"You could've fooled me answered Steve.
"Sorry, I was daydreaming" said Callie.
" 'Ere, I've been thinking" replied Ron. "Don't strain yerself" said Slugger.
"About what we was talkin' about yesterday" continued Ron, "I'd 'ave made a good comedian. An' you would too Slugs."
Ron dunked his bread in his egg. The yolk squirted up and went all over his T-Shirt.
"Well you make me laugh" said Steve. "Aw what a mess" exclaimed Ron, dabbing it off with his bread.
"I dunno" said Slugger, "It's like 'avin a 4 year old at the table. Next time I'll bring a groundsheet."

"Yeah' we could've been good comics" said Ron. "Not like Dora."
"What do you mean?" she replied. "Well, let's face it girl, you're very straight laced" said Ron.
"Mistress of Follyfoot and all that" said Steve,
"Yes, you ought to lighten up a bit" said Callie.
" 'Ere, Dora can't 'elp the way she's made" said Slugger.
"I've had my moments" exclaimed Dora.
"When were they then" smirked Ron, sticking his fork in the crisped bacon. It shot off his plate and onto the floor.
Slugger rolled his eyes.
"Ah Dora" said the Colonel walking in,"I've just had Mr Clegg on the phone. He's been to see Gold Top, he's agreed to
take him on, he'll pull one of his carts."
"Oh that's wonderful news" answered Dora.
"And he's got a message for you from "The Two Ronnies". They can't thank you enough for helping them out with
their comedy sketches. They're going to be on t.v. next month and they're going to use all the ideas you gave them
in their routine. In fact, they said if you ever need a job you can join their scriptwriting team. Well, enjoy your lunch"
he said. He walked off, carefully avoiding the bacon shrapnel on the floor.
Ron, Steve, Slugger and Callie sat open-mouthed.

"You were saying everyone.................." said Dora, smiling.

                                                               THE END