Dreams do come true.
A story in four parts.
PART 1
Slugger was sat at the table with pen and paper. "Hey Slugger, what're you doin'?" asked Steve.
"I'm composin' " he replied. "More like decomposin' " said Ron, "Cor, what a stink in 'ere Slugs" he said, putting his neckerchief over
his mouth and nose. "Oh Slugger, you've come in wearing your mucking out boots" said Dora, "It smells awful, they're covered in horse poo."
"So what exactly are you writing Slugger?" asked the Colonel.
"I'm puttin' an advert in the paper" he replied.
"What, you buyin' air freshener in bulk then" said Ron. "No, it's an advert that's going in the Tockwith Times" said Slugger. I'm
lookin' for a Mrs Slugger." "Does she know?" exclaimed Steve.
"Well she's not in 'ere" answered Ron, looking in the pantry. "Perhaps she's under the table" he continued, looking underneath it.
"Cor blimey" he said, sneezing, "You should see the muck and dust under 'ere."
"Nah" replied Slugger, "The adverts goin' in their lonely 'earts column. I'm lookin' for a wife."
There was an uncomfortable silence.
"Yes" said the Colonel, eventually, nervously tapping his pipe on the arm of his chair, "Yes, it is difficult trying to find that certain
someone special. I remember I once met a lady at a church jumble sale, It was fete."
"Whatever 'appened to 'er?" asked Slugger.
"Well, apparently she worked for those people that produce the Ordnance Survey maps" he said.
"In the end, she went her way and I went mine."
"Yeah" said Slugger, "Would've been a bit awkward tellin' 'er to get lost."
"Well I think it's a lovely idea Slugs" answered Dora. "What have you written?". They all gathered round.
"Gentleman"......"That's a debateable start" interrupted Ron. "Early fortyish" ..."'Ang about" exclaimed Ron, "Your fifty if your a day
Slugs, that's more like your waist measurement. Next you'll be tellin' us you're six foot three and eleven stone."
"Actually I put six foot two" said Slugger.
"Well you were this mornin' with all that 'orse muck piled under your boots"Ron replied.
"And size 14 shoes" said Slugger. "Jolly well hope not" replied Dora, "You bring enough horse muck in as it is with your size 8's.
"Adventurous cook" continued Slugger.
"Well you're right there Slugs" said Steve, "Every meal you cook for us is an adventure." "More like a nightmare" muttered Ron.
"Good around the house".......They all looked up. Sluggers dirty, stinking, smelly footprints started from the front door and were in the
hall, the kitchen, and the living room.
"Well he's right about that" said Steve, "He hasn't missed anywhere."
"Not to worry" said Ron, " 'E'll sweep em under the table later."
"Wishes to meet an appalling lady"......"Just a second" said Steve, "I think you mean an appealing lady."
"Oh yeah" replied Slugger crossing bits out.
"I think 'ees more chance with what ee first put" said Ron.
"For good times and marriage"....
" 'Ere, ang about" said Ron, "Which one do you want Slugs?"
"Any age" continued Slugger.
"Oh I think you should be more specific regarding age" said Dora. "Do you think so?" said Slugger.
"Oh definitely"joined in the Colonel. "It'll look much more professional."
"Right" said Slugger, scribbling bits out again, "Wishes to meet lady 16-102 years old. There,you're right, that looks better."
"Well that's narrowed the competition down a bit" said Steve. "By about one. Sure you've left enough room for manouvre Slugs?"
"Yeah I'm not too fussy" he replied.
"Let's 'ope 'ooever you meet isn't as well" said Ron.
"GSOH"........
"GSOH", What's that?" asked Dora. "Dunno" he replied, "But I saw it in an advert last week, it looks good."
"It stands for" Good Sense Of Humour" exclaimed the Colonel. "That's something they'll certainly need when they meet Slugger" said Ron. "I think you'll find most of the lonely hearts have it in their adverts" said the Colonel.
"Uncle" said Dora, "How do you know that?"
"Oh, I er..." Blushed the Colonel. "It was a cryptic clue in one of your crosswords you did last week wern't it " smiled Ron. "1 Down."
"Yes, yes of course" he replied puffing on his pipe until a smoke screen covered his red face. "Yes, thank you Ron."
"2 Down was "What's brown, smokes and comes out of cows backwards?"
"Oh Ron" said Dora, pulling a face. "Go on then" said Steve. "What's the answer?"
"The Isle of Wight ferry."
"Right" continued Slugger, "Where was I" He said, looking at his piece of paper. "Oh yeah, "Fat, short women needn't apply."
"Oh for Heavens sake" exclaimed the Colonel, "You can't write that Slugger." "Can't I?" he replied.
"No" said Dora, "Use a different word, try using the word obese. Slugger scribbled more bits out.
"Right" he said, "Fat, obese women needn't apply."
" 'Ere" said Ron, "There's more crossing out on this than on me mate's Birth Certificate when the Registrar tried to spell 'is name,
Akkinnvoye Weerasethakul."
"Blimey" said Slugger, "Is 'ee from foreign parts then."
"Yeah, replied Ron, " 'Ee's from Rochdale.
"So how does this lonely hearts column work Slugs?" asked Dora. "Well, I send me advert in, no one knows who's written it, you don't
have to give your name if you don't want to, so I'm just giving our address."
"Probably a good idea" replied Ron, "The name Slugger don't exactly radiate a feeling of warmth, charm, sophistication and romance."
"Anyway" said Slugger, "It's foolproof." "The proof'll be in how many fools answer it" exclaimed Steve. "Why exactly did you put an
advert in the Tockwith times?" asked the Colonel. "Well, a mate of mine who works in the chip shop at Tockwith put an advert in a few
weeks ago. He got 968 replies."
"Good Lord" exclaimed the Colonel, "That's about the wlole female population of Tockwith."
"Yeah" replied Slugger, mind you, he did give a false name."
"What name did he give?" asked Steve.
"Paul McCartney."
"Right" said Dora, "I'm going to take Copper out hor half an hour." " 'Ere said Slugger, "Could you post my advert for me, if you're
going near a post box that is. It should go in Tuesday night's paper then."
"Of course" replied Dora. "No need" said Ron, "I'll take it on me bike and post it now, make sure it gets there on time."
"Oh no you won't" said Slugger, "I know you Ron, you'll open it and alter the wording, you'll write something stupid."
Everyone raised their eyebrows.
"Write something stupid" exclaimed Ron, "No one could put anything more stupid than what you've penned there Slugs. Yeah, I was
gonna open it and rewrite it. I was gonna put something snappy and full of wit, not what you've put Slugs, something wappy and
full of..." "I'll post the letter now" Dora interrupted, taking it of Slugger. "I hope you get a lot of replies."
"Should be an interesting week" said Steve, "What do you think Colonel.?"
"Yes, yes it should be" came a voice from behind a thick grey smog.
To be continued.........