Lights...Camera...Action.

[pete.r.]

                                                   Lights...Camera...Action.

A story in four parts

PART 1

"Tea up Colonel" said Slugger putting the pot on the table. The Colonel was reading the post, his glasses perched on the end of
his nose. "I said tea up" repeated Slugger. The Colonel looked up over his glasses. "Anything interesting?" asked Slugger.
"Well, yes" he replied. "I've had a letter from Yorkshire T.V. They want to send a film crew here and do some shots at the farm to
be used in films and on t.v. They even say the staff here can be used as extras. What do you think?" "Brilliant" said Slugger,
"Maybe I'll meet 'Enery Cooper." "Great idea" said Steve, "Perhaps Brigitte Bardot will turn up." "I might get to be a cowboy in
a western" said Ron, "I'd make a good cowboy." "Yeah, you certainly would" replied Slugger, "Looking at all the repairs and
odd jobs you've done around 'ere." "And maybe I'll meet Red Rum" exclaimed Dora." "Yes, and I quite fancy being someone
debonair" said the Colonel puffing on his pipe. "I'll give them a ring and get it organised. Rather looking forward to it" he said.

Two weeks later the Yorkshire T.V. crew arrived, there were vans,lights and microphones everywhere and a camera.
"Right" said the director, "First we're going to do a couple of commercials for t.v. and then do some shoots for actual films. Right,
first, this is where you come in Dora. Here's your script and your outfit to wear." A few minutes later Dora came in wearing a
nice cream dress with a pretty floral apron tied around it. She'd studied her script.

"Right, Lights...Camera...Action" shouted the director.
"Is your house full of dust, grime and dirt like mine" said Dora. "'Ere" shouted Slugger, "I've been all mornin' cleanin' up."
"No wonder it looks like a tip then" said Ron.
"Then you need this" continued Dora, holding up an aerosol. "It's called "Look- no more muck." And It's a revolutionary new cleaner.
Watch while I spray some on the table." Dora pointed it at the table, but hadn't used one before and had it pointing the wrong
way round. She pressed the button down and a sharp spray of bright orange fluid went all over her apron. She wiped it with a cloth.
"Good Lord" cried out the Colonel, "It's taken the pattern of Dora's apron, look it's completely disappeared where the Look no more
muck touched it." "'Ere, sniggered Ron, "Look, no more flower's chuck."

"Oh dear" said Dora taking her apron off, "Let's try again." She sprayed the table, then wiped it with a cloth. "Blimey" said Steve,
"It's taken the varnish off." "I'll take a can of that" said Slugger, "It'll come in 'andy for cleaning me old creosote brushes."
"And do you have problems with greasy pots and pans" said Dora, holding up one of Slugger's frying pans which still had bits
of burnt sausage stuck to it. "Blimey, now it's got a job on" said Ron. "Then just spray it with Look no more muck and wipe with a
cloth." She demonstrated. Nothing happened, it didn't clean up at all. "Told you" smirked Ron. "We'll just give it another little spray"
said Dora, "And wipe it." Still nothing happened. "Right" she said getting annoyed, "We'll give it a really good spray," and she
visciously attacked the pan, spraying like mad. The bright orange fluid shot back all over her dress and stained it bright orange.
The frying pan snapped in half and fell on the floor and Dora was left just holding the handle. But the pan was still black and
greasy. "Back to the drawing board for Look no more muck then" laughed Steve.

"You can also use it to clean things outside" said Dora. "I'll show you." She walked outside, the cameraman followed her.
"Now, take this grubby window" she said. Steve, Ron and Slugger all stood the other side of it pulling faces. Dora tried not to laugh.
"I'll just spray some of this on this one small pane of glass" she continued. Dora squirted it on. "Watch what happens now."
A few seconds later and the putty disintegrated and the window fell out.
"Hey" said Steve peering through, "That's made a difference."
"Yeah" said Slugger, "It's a lot clearer now."
"An' it don't leave any nasty smear marks" said Ron.

"And cut" shouted the director, as a splinter of glass struck the kneeling cameraman's arm drawing blood. A first aid man dashed over.

"Right we'll just do the next advert and then we can get on with some filming" said the director. "We'll need you for this one Mr
Stryker, you've got just the physique we need." Ron beat his chest just like Tarzan. "Here's your outfit" he said handing him a small
paper bag. "Oh, and no script for you" he excaimed. "This should be interesting" said Slugger.
Ron appeared a few minutes later wearing just a pair of dark blue swimming trunks and an embarrassed smile.
"Just stand there Mr Stryker in front of the Lightning tree" said the director.
"And Lights...camera...action"

A well dressed man in a suit walked on. "Hello everyone" he said. "My name's Mr Morris and this is my invention" he said holding
up a bottle. "Morris's marvellous muscle medicine." "Try saying that with a mouthful of peanuts" answered Slugger.
"Gentlemen, do you want to look like this" he said , pointing to Ron. "Weedy, skinny, anaemic and pasty looking."
"And bone idle, lazy and useless" shouted Steve.
"Or would you rather look like Butch here." Butch walked on wearing only a tiny thong, 6ft 6ins. tall, 18 stone and rippling muscles
and a tanned body. "Well you can" said Mr Morris." You can be muscular. You can have a bronze body. Want to know how?"
"Just spray yourself with Look no more muck" answered Slugger.
"Simply take one spoonful of my medication each day" he continued, "And after only a few weeks the magical effects will soon
start to work, and within a few months you could look like Butch here."
Butch posed, flexing one of his arms.
"Blimey" exclaimed Slugger, "Look 'ow it bulges and pulsates."
"I think Slugger's referring to his biceps Dora," said Steve, as Dora stood open mouthed staring down at his thong.

Butch picked Ron up and cradled him like a baby.
"'Ere Butch, does this stuff really work then?" asked Ron.
"Couldn't tell you sweetie" he replied," I've never taken any. I keep fit through pumping iron with my friend Adrian every night"
he said, planting a kiss on Ron's cheek.
"AAARGHH" shouted Ron, "Put me down, put me down." He gently put Ron down. Ron ran across the yard screaming and wiping
his cheek with his arm, before diving headfirst into the water trough to wash himself.
He stood up.
Unfortunately his swimming trunks had come off.
Steve rushed forward and covered Dora's eyes with his hands.
Slugger rushed forward and covered Butch's eyes with his hands.
One of the crew dashed forward and placed the clapperboard in front of Ron to save his modesty.
"And cut" shouted the director.

"Blimey" said Slugger, "That'll bring tears to his eyes."


To be continued......

[pete.r.]

PART 2

"Right" said the director, "Now we're going to do some film shots. We'll need you for the first one Steve, here's your outfit to wear."
Steve came back a few minutes later dressed as a fireman. "Oooh" said Butch, "Don't you just love a man in uniform. And what a
lovely shiny helmet you've got."  Steve blushed.
"Now in this scene" said the director, "You've got to save a cat that's stuck up a tree."
"Well we've got a tree" replied the Colonel," but I'm afraid we havn't got a cat."
"We thought of that" explained Joe, one of the film crew, "My next door neighbours got a cat, he's lent it us for the day."
"What's his name?" asked Dora.
"Mr Shufflebottom" replied Joe.
"That's a funny name for a cat" answered Dora. "No, my neighbours called Mr Shufflebottom" said Joe. "The cats called Piddles."
"Blimey, that's just as bad" grunted Slugger. "Where is the cat" enquired the Colonel. "He was here a minute ago" said Joe. "I've
just given him a big bowl of milk. Where is he?" Suddenly there was a pityful cry of Meow-Meow, from above.
"Oh no, he's stuck up the Lightning tree" exclaimed Joe. "We've got to do something. Mr Shufflebottom'll go mad if anything
happens to Piddles."
"'Ang about" said Ron, "I thought the whole idea of this shot is that Steve rescues the cat from out of the tree."
"Oh yes of course, silly me, I forgot about that" replied Joe.

"Right" said the director, "At least this scene will be authentic. We just need a ladder now."
"There's one in the barn" said Steve. "I'll fetch it" said Ron. "Don't get the one just inside the door" shouted Steve, "The rungs
are going rotten, it's dangerous. There's one leaning up down the side." "Okay" replied Ron. Ron brought the ladder out.
"Right" said the director, "You can ad-lib this one Steve."

"Lights...Camera...Action"
As if on cue Piddles gave a blood curdling "meow" from the top of the Lightning tree.
"Don't worry puss" shouted Steve, "I'll rescue you." He rushed forward with the ladder, leant it against the tree, and quickly
climbed it. He got to the top. The cat looked at him quizzically.
"You're safe with me now" said Steve, holding his hands out. Suddenly the top rung gave way, Steve slid down the ladder onto
the next rung, that one gave way, Steve slid down again, in fact every rung gave way. Within seconds Steve hit the ground, his
fireman's axe fell off his belt and onto the floor. He had a pained expression on his face. Ron was laughing hysterically.
"I told you not to bring that ladder with the rotten rungs" said Steve. "You did that on purpose Ron. I'll get you for this."

Butch dashed across. "Are you alright sweetie" he said, "Hope you havn't damaged your chopper."
Piddles leapt out of the tree and landed in front of Steve. He arched his back, then rubbed his side, back and tail against Steve's legs.
And then he pee'd up his trousers.
"I've had better days" replied Steve, shaking his drenched jeans.
"Blimey" said Slugger, "See 'ow it got it's name now."
Steve walked over to the trough and stood in it to clean the bottom of his trousers.

"And cut" said the director.
"Righto" answered Slugger, "I'll give the vet a ring now and we'll get it castrated."
"Good Lord" exclaimed the Colonel, "That trough's had more t.v. coverage tham I have."
"'Ere Steve" shouted Ron, "Is that last shot what's called the Pièce De Resistance then?"

"For the next shoot we're doing a sort of tribute to Gene Kelly's Singin' in the rain. You'll be in this one Colonel, singing and
dancing" said the director.
"There's two problems there" replied the Colonel. "I can't sing and I can't dance."
"Yeah, that could make it a bit awkward" said Slugger.
"No problem" answered the editor, "You'll actually be miming to a record, and we can edit the dancing." Ron sneaked away.
"We can make it look o.k. on film" he said.
"Well I'll give it a go said the Colonel. "
A few minutes later he appeared at the door wearing a dark blue suit, trilby and holding an umbrella. He looked very debonair.
Ron re-appeared.

The Colonel skipped and danced all the way from the farmhouse to the set.
"Blimey" said Slugger, "Fort he couldn't dance." "He makes Fred Astaire look like a novice" said Steve."
"Can't believe it" exclaimed Dora.
"Yeah" said Ron, "It's amazin' what a handfull of iron filings in each shoe can do."
"You 'avn't" said Slugger.
"I got 'em out of the bottom of that box in the barn, the one with the old nails and horseshoes in" replied Ron.
"Anyway, it's done the trick, the Colonel's nailed it, if you'll excuse the pun" said Ron.
"You'll be the one who'll be nailed if the Colonel finds out what you've done" answered Steve." Probably to the top of the
Lightning tree."

"Brilliant Colonel" said the director. "Right, you stand there and we'll play the record Singin' in the rain. Keep dancing and mime to
it, tapping your brolly on the floor, then open it and swing it around. When I shout "Rain" Joe here will start the Rain Machine. You
put your brolly above your head. The Rain Machine will spray droplets of water onto your umbrella giving the impression it's raining.
Is that o.k.?"
"Yes I've got it" replied the Colonel, hopping around.

"Right, Lights...Camera...Action."
The music started. The Colonel danced and mimed to it very expertly. "He's very good" said Dora.
"Yes" said Steve. "He looks very dapper."
"And "Rain" shouted the director. Nothing happened. "Where's the rain."
"Something's gone wrong with the machine" replied Joe, "It's not working."
"Don't worry" said Ron, "I'll sort it." He rushed over to the Lightning Tree and picked up the bucket of water Dora had left to water
the tree. He carried it back and hurled it towards the Colonel. Unfortunately he didn't throw it high enough and it hit the Colonel
full in the face. His face was drenched, his suit was soaked, water dripped off his trilby. His pipe spluttered and then went out.
But his umbrella was stone dry.
"Blimey" said Slugger, "I fink they said they wanted rain Ron, not a bloomin' monsoon."

"And cut."
And with that the Colonel angrily put the umbrella over his knee and snapped it in two. He threw the pieces across the yard, one
bit hit the Rain Machine controls. It started working. It showered the already saturated Colonel with water.
"'Crikey" said Slugger, "Still, it did forecast isolated showers today Colonel."
"Yeah" said Ron, "'Ere, you should 'ave brought a brolly."

"Oh dear" said Dora, "Uncle doesn't look so dapper now."
"Don't fink the Colonel'll need the trough" said Slugger.
"No" replied Steve, although he couldn't get any wetter if he did jump in it."
The Colonel skipped and danced all the way back to the farmhouse, his shoes squelching.
As he went by his horse, Brown Forrester turned round and gave him a funny look and shook his head.

To be continued.........

[pete.r.]

PART 3

"Ok" said the director, "Next we're going to film Custer's last stand at the battle of the Little Big Horn. Who wants to be General
George Custer?" "Me, me!" shouted Ron. "I love reading cowboy books."
"Yeah" replied Slugger, "And most of 'em when you're supposed to be working."
"Right, you're Custer, Slugger, you can be Chief Sitting Bull. You look a bit like him." "'E means old and decrepid" whispered Ron to Dora.
"Yeah, but not deaf" whispered Slugger to Ron, before clipping him round the ears.
"So now here's you outfits." They came back, Ron in his American General's uniform and Slugger dressed as an Indian warrior.
"Right, if you'll get on your horses" said the director. "'Ere, I'm not riding no 'orse" replied Slugger.
"They're not real horses, they're mock ones you sit on, Joe here can make them buck and move with his controls."
"'Ope 'e 'as more luck with them than the Rain Machine then" said Slugger, "Otherwise we'll be 'ere all bloomin' day."
"We film the top half and it looks realistic" continued the director," Ron, you get on this horse, Slugger, you get on the horse behind him."

They sat on their" horses". "Right, Ron, make sure you keep your hat on at all times, it's got special padding in it because Slugger's
going to fire arrows at you with his bow and they're quite sharp. Your coats padded as well. Custer, you fire your pistol at Chief
Sitting Bull." "Won't it frighten the horses?" exclaimed Dora.
"No," he answered, "The gun will just give a little click and smoke will come from it, we'll add the sound effects later."

"Right, Lights...Camera...Action"
The horses started moving up and down, all the other horses peered out of their stable doors and watched in bewilderment.
Ron turned round and started firing. Slugger loaded an arrow in his bow and shot it but with a bit too much gusto. It shot out about
100 miles an hour and went over Ron's head, Butch was just walking past the Lightning tree and the arrow went straight through
his shirt sleeve and pinned him to the tree.
"Blimey" said Steve, "Hey, Slugger, have you ever thought of going on that t.v. programme "The Golden Shot."
Ron was still firing, suddenly his gun wouldn't work. He banged it against the mock horse's head and pulled the trigger again.
The gun exploded in a cloud of dark smoke. Ron sat there, his face all black. In all the laughter and confusion, Steve had slipped
away and turned the controls up to full speed on Ron's horse. Suddenly his horse started bucking wildly.
"Help, help! shouted Ron, "Me 'orses gone mad, I can't control 'im, I think I'd sooner be riding in the Grand National."
Slugger loaded another arrow in his bow. Ron's horse bucked, his hat shot off his head just as Slugger fired his bow, it hit Ron on
the back of his head, he fell to the floor screaming and rolling over.
"Crikey" said Steve, "Brilliant acting from Ron."
"I don't think he's acting" said the Colonel, smiling.

"Right" shouted the director through his Megaphone," Chief Sitting Bull, go and pretend to scalp General Custer."
Slugger got off his horse and dashed over to Ron. He took his knife out of his belt with one hand and with his other grabbed hold
of a huge tuft of Ron's hair.

"And cut."
And with that, Slugger sliced off a large chunk of hair off the top of Ron's head.

"Good Lord" exclaimed the Colonel.
"Flippin 'eck" uttered Steve.
"Crikey" said Dora.

Ron sat up. Slugger stood there smiling, holding a mop of Ron's ginger hair in his hand.
"Blimey, I think Ron ought to invest in a can of your "Look no more muck" Dora, and spray it on the top of his head" said Steve.

"Now we're going to do another film shot" said the director, "A famous scene from Robin Hood."
"'Ere" said Ron, scratching  the bald bit on the top of his head, "I'm not playin' if Slugger's got a bow an' arrow."
"No" he replied, "This shot is easy to do, perfectly safe, nothing can go wrong. Right, who's going to be Friar Tuck then?"
They all looked at Ron. "'E won't even need to wear a wig" quipped Slugger.
"Right, Ron, you're Friar Tuck. Dora, you're Maid Marion, Steve, you're Robin Hood, Slugger you're Will Scarlet and the Colonel
you're Little John. Right, go and get your outfits on."
"And don't get into any bad habits" said Steve to Ron.

They came out suitably dressed. "O.k" said the director, "We'll do this shoot in the wood." Off they went. "Right, as you can see, we've already got everything set up ready for you to do this scene" he said.
"We've prepared a boars head cooking on a wooden spit. You all sit around and start eating it. And just in case, for safety reasons, we've got buckets of water at the ready. Then Robin says "I'm going to shoot an arrow into the air, and where it lands, I want to be
buried there." O.k. everyone?"

"Lights...Camera...Action"
They all sat round the roast. "Right" said Slugger, "I'll just carve it up. Fink I'll just turn the spit handle to brown it more evenly."
That was a mistake. The boars head fell off the spit into the fire, flames about 10ft. high leapt up. The boars head was black as charcoal.
"Blimey" said Steve, "It's not just sausages you burn then Slugs."
"Yeah, he's made a right pig's ear of that" said Ron.
Suddenly flames shot out and Ron's habit caught fire. "Quick, the water bucket's" shouted Dora.
They all threw them over Ron. He stood there, soaked, with what was left of his habit hanging off him, still wearing his dark blue
swimming trunks. The Colonel walked over with his bucket and tipped it over Ron's head.
"There" he exclaimed, "We're even now."
Steve picked up his bow and arrow.
"Right" he said, "I'm going to shoot an arrow into the air, and where it lands I want to be buried there."
He pulled the string of his bow right back and fired the arrow. It shot out like a bullet from a gun into the air and out of the wood.
It struck an electrical pylon. The pylon sizzled, then smoked, then huge flashes of electricity shot into the sky.
Two thirds of Yorkshire's electricity supply was cut off.

"'Ere" said Ron, "No need to shout cut. Most of Yorkshire already 'as been."

"Blimey" said Slugger, "What did that bloke say, this shot is easy to do, perfectly safe, nothing can go wrong."


To be continued.........

[pete.r.]

PART 4

"And now for our last shot" said the director. "A couple of well known characters will be joining us in this one, I think you'll be surprised,
one's just spent the last few days on the piste."" 'Ere, that bloomin' cat isn't coming back is it?" replied Slugger.
"No, not the cat. Right, we're going to film a show jumping event. We've got it all set up over here, there's just five fences to jump,
everyone can join in." "Oh great" they all said." "A little surprise here for you all. As I said, a couple of well known people will be
joining in. Firstly, Harvey Smith."

Harvey walked towards them across the yard. "Ay up" he said, "Let's get int 'ouse and put t' wood in t' 'ole and 'ave a reel good
cuppa Yorksha tea."
"I'll get t' kettle on" said Slugger.
"Just before you do that" exclaimed the director, "I've another surprise for you, someone who's just come back from her skiing
holiday, Her Royal Highness Princess Anne." She walked towards them with her aides, her hands behind her back.
"'Ere" shouted Ron, "I'm one of 'er greatest admirers." She smiled and waved. Unfortunately she didn't see the great big steaming
lump of horse muck in front of her, she stood in it. It stuck to the heel of her red stiletto. "Oh I say" she said. She took her shoe off
and shook it violently. The offending turd shot across the yard before hitting Ron in the middle of his forehead and sticking to it.
"Oh I'm awfully sorry" said Her Royal Highness..."Still, that's what happens when the s--t  hits the fan."

Dora curtseyed. Slugger took his hat off.
"Ron Stryker, your royal 'ighness", said Ron, bowing profusely.
"Oh I say" exclaimed Princess Anne, "What an unusual haircut. Last time I saw anything like that was when I went with mummy and
daddy to a Fransiscan Monastery in America."
Suddenly the horse poo shot of Ron's head during his bowing and landed in Sluggers hat. Slugger didn't notice, he was too busy
looking at Her Royal Highness. He put his hat back on his head. Steve went all nervous.
"Er, good afternoon, er, Rincess Pan" he stuttered.
"Pleased  to make your aqcuaintance Ma'am" said the Colonel, doffing his cap.
"'Ere, I'd 'ave made a nice pheasant stew if I'd known you were coming" said Slugger.
"Yeah, he's always wanted to be a pheasant plucker, ain't you Slugs me old mate" answered Ron, patting him on the head and smiling.
"Good job Steve didn't try to say that" said Slugger, as a thick, dark, smelly liquid seeped from under his hat and dribbled down his face. "She's not amused" whispered Dora to her Uncle. "I think you'll find it was her great great great grandmother who said that" he replied.

"Right, so this is what we're going to do" said the director. "You'll all jump the course, we've set the poles very low to make it easy for you. The filming will just show the top half of you, it will look really realistic. Harvey, you go first, then Princess Anne. And no rude
Yorkshire swearwords please."
"Oh I don't know about that" replied Her Royal Highness, "I can't promise."
Harvey got on his horse. "And whatever you do, don't do a clear round" shouted the director, "I want you to knock one of the poles
down." Harvey didn't hear him.

"Lights...Camera...Action"
"Welcome to the Follyfoot show jumping challenge" boomed a voice from the tannoy system. "The first rider is Harvey Smith.
Everyone clapped. Harvey went round the course quickly, jumping all five fences easily. He got off his horse. He was talking to the
film crew and signing autographs. The director strode up to him.
"Harvey, didn't you hear what I just said. I told you I wanted you to hit one of them."
"'Ee bah gum lad, that's nay problem" replied Harvey, and with that he turned round and punched one of the crew on the nose.
"Four faults to Harvey Smith" bellowed the tannoy.

"Right, Princess Anne to go next. Unfortunately, due to strict health and safety, she's not allowed to ride. We've got someone to
"double" for her, a local girl who looks like her. She's wearing the same dark blue coat and hat, nobody will notice the difference.
Here she is now."
"Oh gawd" said Slugger.
"Oh no" exclaimed Steve.
"Gordon Bennett" groaned Ron.
"It can't be" said Dora.
"Well if it isn't Phyllis Wetherby" exclaimed the Colonel. "Didn't expect to see you here."
"Well I am here" she said. "Right. Just going to show you lot how to showjump properly, Right."
In the meantime Steve and Ron had crept away and altered all the poles on the jumps to the highest position.
Phyllis got on her horse. "Right" she said, "Where do I start."
"Over there" replied Slugger. "On the right. Right." "And the next competitor is Her Royal Highness Princess Anne" said the tannoy
The crowd all applauded. Phyllis raced into the first fence and knocked it down. And the second. And the third. In fact, she
knocked them all down.
"Twenty faults for Princess Anne" said a muted tannoy voice, so low it could barely be heard.
"Stupid animal" exclaimed  Phyllis."I'm going home. Right."
"'Ere" shouted Ron. "What" retorted Phyllis.
"Don't forget to write. Right."

Dora went next, but having seen Phyllis it put her off, and she knocked down a fence for four faults.
Then Steve went, but he was nervous as Princess Anne watched and he knocked a fence down also.
Then Ron went round but having an accomplished show jumper in Harvey Smith watching him put him off and he got four faults too.
The Colonel flew round on Brown Forrester and cleared them all easily. He stood in the middle and saw Harvey Smith and
Princess Anne walk up to a table where a gleaming cup stood. He dismounted and patted his horse. He walked towards the
table, everyone applauded.
Suddenly the tannoy crackled and a voice said "The judges have eliminated Colonel Maddocks for leaving the arena unmounted."
"Good Heavens" cried the Colonel, "How ridiculous. This is Follyfoot Farm, not Hickstead."
And with that he turned towards the judges and stuck two fingers up at them and stormed off indignantly.

"By 'eck" said Harvey Smith to Princess Anne, "Ah'll 'ave ta remember that one."

The tannoy boomed again. "And now we have a late entrant, Chief Sitting Bull, alias Slugger Jones. Slugger appeared on one of
the donkeys to huge cheers dressed in his Indian outfit. Even the Colonel had to smile. Slugger held on for dear life as the donkey
walked round the course stepping over all the poles.
"A clear round for Slugger Jones" announced the tannoy, "Winner of the Follyfoot showjumping challenge."
Everyone cheered again.
"If you'd like to go over to the podium" the tannoy continued, "Harvey and Princess Anne will present you with your cup."
They all went over to the podium. Harvey shook Slugger's hand.
"Ah'll tell thee what lad, you were reet champion" he said.
Her Royal Highness gave Slugger the cup. An aide gave her a pice of paper. She read from it.
"It gives me great pleasure to be here with you all today" she said into the microphone. "May God bless you and all who sail in you.....
Just a minute Colin" she said, "You've given me the wrong b----y speech you silly b----r, this one's for next weekend.

"And cut."
Princess Anne tore the speech in half and then tore it again.
"Excuse me Ma'am" said Colin, but don't you think you should have put it in a safe place."
"Indeed yes" she replied, that's why I'm going to shove it up your....""Ah, so now Slugger's going to hold the cup aloft" said the tannoy.
Slugger held the cup up high as if he was  the winning captain in a Wembley cup final. Everyone cheered again.

[pete.r.]

The film crew had packed everything away.
"Well, that all went rather well" said the Colonel back in the house.
"Yes" said one of the film crew, "And there's even better news. I'm the producer, and from what I've seen this week from you and your
staff I think we could actually film a drama series here for Yorkshire T.V, or possibly two or three series. Follyfoot, the Lightning tree
and yourselves I'm sure would be a big hit with the younger generation, especially the teenagers."
"How wonderful" said the Colonel.
"Brilliant" exclaimed Dora.
"Fantastic" cried out Ron.
"Amazing" replied Steve.
"Bloomin' marvellous" Blurted out Slugger.
"Right, I'll get back to my office and write a pilot episode. We'll then come back and film it, and, if it goes as well as I think it will,
we'll be back to film the complete series. I'll give you a phone call in a couple of weeks Colonel" he said, walking out of the door.

"Oh, by the way.

My names Tony.

Tony Essex."


                                                                                              THE END