PART 3
"Ok" said the director, "Next we're going to film Custer's last stand at the battle of the Little Big Horn. Who wants to be General
George Custer?" "Me, me!" shouted Ron. "I love reading cowboy books."
"Yeah" replied Slugger, "And most of 'em when you're supposed to be working."
"Right, you're Custer, Slugger, you can be Chief Sitting Bull. You look a bit like him." "'E means old and decrepid" whispered Ron to Dora.
"Yeah, but not deaf" whispered Slugger to Ron, before clipping him round the ears.
"So now here's you outfits." They came back, Ron in his American General's uniform and Slugger dressed as an Indian warrior.
"Right, if you'll get on your horses" said the director. "'Ere, I'm not riding no 'orse" replied Slugger.
"They're not real horses, they're mock ones you sit on, Joe here can make them buck and move with his controls."
"'Ope 'e 'as more luck with them than the Rain Machine then" said Slugger, "Otherwise we'll be 'ere all bloomin' day."
"We film the top half and it looks realistic" continued the director," Ron, you get on this horse, Slugger, you get on the horse behind him."
They sat on their" horses". "Right, Ron, make sure you keep your hat on at all times, it's got special padding in it because Slugger's
going to fire arrows at you with his bow and they're quite sharp. Your coats padded as well. Custer, you fire your pistol at Chief
Sitting Bull." "Won't it frighten the horses?" exclaimed Dora.
"No," he answered, "The gun will just give a little click and smoke will come from it, we'll add the sound effects later."
"Right, Lights...Camera...Action"
The horses started moving up and down, all the other horses peered out of their stable doors and watched in bewilderment.
Ron turned round and started firing. Slugger loaded an arrow in his bow and shot it but with a bit too much gusto. It shot out about
100 miles an hour and went over Ron's head, Butch was just walking past the Lightning tree and the arrow went straight through
his shirt sleeve and pinned him to the tree.
"Blimey" said Steve, "Hey, Slugger, have you ever thought of going on that t.v. programme "The Golden Shot."
Ron was still firing, suddenly his gun wouldn't work. He banged it against the mock horse's head and pulled the trigger again.
The gun exploded in a cloud of dark smoke. Ron sat there, his face all black. In all the laughter and confusion, Steve had slipped
away and turned the controls up to full speed on Ron's horse. Suddenly his horse started bucking wildly.
"Help, help! shouted Ron, "Me 'orses gone mad, I can't control 'im, I think I'd sooner be riding in the Grand National."
Slugger loaded another arrow in his bow. Ron's horse bucked, his hat shot off his head just as Slugger fired his bow, it hit Ron on
the back of his head, he fell to the floor screaming and rolling over.
"Crikey" said Steve, "Brilliant acting from Ron."
"I don't think he's acting" said the Colonel, smiling.
"Right" shouted the director through his Megaphone," Chief Sitting Bull, go and pretend to scalp General Custer."
Slugger got off his horse and dashed over to Ron. He took his knife out of his belt with one hand and with his other grabbed hold
of a huge tuft of Ron's hair.
"And cut."
And with that, Slugger sliced off a large chunk of hair off the top of Ron's head.
"Good Lord" exclaimed the Colonel.
"Flippin 'eck" uttered Steve.
"Crikey" said Dora.
Ron sat up. Slugger stood there smiling, holding a mop of Ron's ginger hair in his hand.
"Blimey, I think Ron ought to invest in a can of your "Look no more muck" Dora, and spray it on the top of his head" said Steve.
"Now we're going to do another film shot" said the director, "A famous scene from Robin Hood."
"'Ere" said Ron, scratching the bald bit on the top of his head, "I'm not playin' if Slugger's got a bow an' arrow."
"No" he replied, "This shot is easy to do, perfectly safe, nothing can go wrong. Right, who's going to be Friar Tuck then?"
They all looked at Ron. "'E won't even need to wear a wig" quipped Slugger.
"Right, Ron, you're Friar Tuck. Dora, you're Maid Marion, Steve, you're Robin Hood, Slugger you're Will Scarlet and the Colonel
you're Little John. Right, go and get your outfits on."
"And don't get into any bad habits" said Steve to Ron.
They came out suitably dressed. "O.k" said the director, "We'll do this shoot in the wood." Off they went. "Right, as you can see, we've already got everything set up ready for you to do this scene" he said.
"We've prepared a boars head cooking on a wooden spit. You all sit around and start eating it. And just in case, for safety reasons, we've got buckets of water at the ready. Then Robin says "I'm going to shoot an arrow into the air, and where it lands, I want to be
buried there." O.k. everyone?"
"Lights...Camera...Action"
They all sat round the roast. "Right" said Slugger, "I'll just carve it up. Fink I'll just turn the spit handle to brown it more evenly."
That was a mistake. The boars head fell off the spit into the fire, flames about 10ft. high leapt up. The boars head was black as charcoal.
"Blimey" said Steve, "It's not just sausages you burn then Slugs."
"Yeah, he's made a right pig's ear of that" said Ron.
Suddenly flames shot out and Ron's habit caught fire. "Quick, the water bucket's" shouted Dora.
They all threw them over Ron. He stood there, soaked, with what was left of his habit hanging off him, still wearing his dark blue
swimming trunks. The Colonel walked over with his bucket and tipped it over Ron's head.
"There" he exclaimed, "We're even now."
Steve picked up his bow and arrow.
"Right" he said, "I'm going to shoot an arrow into the air, and where it lands I want to be buried there."
He pulled the string of his bow right back and fired the arrow. It shot out like a bullet from a gun into the air and out of the wood.
It struck an electrical pylon. The pylon sizzled, then smoked, then huge flashes of electricity shot into the sky.
Two thirds of Yorkshire's electricity supply was cut off.
"'Ere" said Ron, "No need to shout cut. Most of Yorkshire already 'as been."
"Blimey" said Slugger, "What did that bloke say, this shot is easy to do, perfectly safe, nothing can go wrong."
To be continued.........