Jokes

[dave]

 I've waited a long time for this Loopy...  

[pete.r.]

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for one free of charge.

I've just opened up a shop selling little bird ornaments. They're flying off the shelf.

I'm using guinea pigs as guinea pigs to see if I like guinea pigs.

I was in Tesco shopping with the wife when she suddenly said "What a lazy devil you are."
I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley she was pushing.

I tried to change my password to "The Jeremy Kyle show U.S.A." earlier, but apparently it contains too many useless characters.

Went to the doctor's today. He said "I think you're smoking too many." I said "I've actually cut down."
"How many cigarettes are you smoking at the moment?" he asked.
I said "Just three."
"I can see that" he replied, "I meant how many do you smoke a day."

[Jane]

 

[FollyFootfan1689]

Once again my sides have well and truly split! 

[Loopy]

I've waited a long time for this Loopy...

 

[Loopy]

  Pete

[DavidA]

My new diet doesn't seem to be working. I just don't understand why? I've added a salad to every meal. 

[Jane]

 

[Loopy]

That's my kind of diet 

[pete.r.]

I like going into McDonalds and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken just to see which comes first.

I went for a job at NASA yesterday. They asked me what my ambitions were. I said "The sky's the limit."

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he asked "Why havn't you pulled over yet?"
I said "Because we're still in Manchester."

I used to be in a band called "Missing cat." You probably saw our posters.

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace and quiet". Kids meals are £250·00.

Whatsthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

"So you carry shopping to a customer's car free of charge?" I asked the man in Tesco's this morning. "Yes" he replied."
I said "Could you carry mine for me?". He said "Sure." We walked across the entire distance of the car park to my car.
"I suppose I could have carried it" I said, "But I'm idle."
"I gathered that" he replied. "Here's your KitKat."

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

[Tony]

  

[Loopy]

A couple of  in that lot Pete   

[Jane]

 

[pete.r.]

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little. "Nervous?" asked the interveiwer.
"No" I replied, "I always give 110%".

I went to the pub last night and this fat chick danced on my table. I said "Good legs." The girl giggled and said "Do you really think so?".
I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now."

The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night. The wife had a great time but I didn't enjoy it much. I
stayed in the car keeping the engine running.

The doctor told me I've got to stop smoking and drinking immediately. It's boring in the waiting room now.

The fact that there's a highway to Hell and a stairway to Heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.

Following Christopher Lee's death the Sun have written a full article about Dracula. He didn't appear in the mirror though.

[Tony]

    

Really good Pete