PART 4
"Right everyone", said the Colonel "I've just rung Follyfoot up on the sites phone, Hazel says she's remembered to keep
throwing a bucket of water over the Lightning Tree." "Lucky old Lightning Tree" said Steve sweating.
"So how's she getting on in charge?" asked Dora. "Apparently she's given herself a rise" replied the Colonel. "£1.00 an hour."
"That's my girl" exclaimed Ron, "I knew she'd make the grade."
"And she's dropped your wages by £1.50 an hour" he said. "Something about piecework."
"I knew we should never have given her a promotion" replied Ron.
"Anyway, everything's alright there. I told her it's so hot here we haven't done anything for days, just sat around all day, lazing about."
""What did she say?" asked Dora.
"She said she's dropping all our holiday pay by £2.00 an hour."
"So today I thought we'd all go to Scarborough Fair" said the Colonel. "Oh great" they all replied.
They arrived at the fair.
"I'm going on the roller coaster" exclaimed Callie.
"Is that wise?" asked Dora, "You've just had two helpings of bacon and eggs, and a plateful of toast and a pot of tea
for breakfast, followed by three mars bars and two packets of crisps on the journey here."
"Yes you're right Dora" replied Callie, "I'd better have some chicken nuggets, baked beans and chips and a glass of water to
wash them down with. I don't want to be twisting and turning upside down on an empty stomach."
"Empty stomach" replied Slugger, "Empty stomach. The last time she 'ad an empty stomach the midwife 'ad just cut her unforgivable
cord." "You mean umbilical cord" said Dora, "Unforgivable means when you've done something you regret afterwards."
"Exactly" exclaimed Slugger.
"I don't feel too good" said Callie as she got off the roller coaster for the fifth time. "I knew I should never have had that glass of water."
"You should have come with me on the galloping horses on the carousel" replied Dora. "You'd have really enjoyed that."
"Where's the toilets" moaned Callie, "I've got the gallops without going anywhere near the carousel."
"Where's Ron?" asked Slugger. "Last time I saw him he was on the fun slide just over there" Steve answered
There was a large crowd all gathered round it, all laughing and giggling. They went over to see what was going on.
"I know it's called a fun slide said Steve to a middle aged woman, but why all the hilarity."
"Oh you should have seen it" she howled, "This ginger haired lad came hurtling down it and when he'd got to the bottom
he'd lost his shorts, and he wasn't wearing any underpants." "Blimey" said Slugger, "What was his expression like?".
"I don't know" she replied, "We wasn't looking at his face."
"Luckily" her friend said, "He was eating an ice-cream. He used it to cover his modesty. It had a cherry on the top."
"Good Heavens" exclaimed the Colonel. "Look, it's Ron." Ron was stood at the bottom of the chute.
" 'Ere" exclaimed Slugger, "Ron don't like cherries."
"You're right" answered the woman, adjusting her spectacles, "It's not a cherry".
" 'Ere Slugs, "Fetch me shorts" he shouted, "They caught on a nail at the top. And 'urry up before this ice-cream melts."
"Well I've never been so embarrassed" said the Colonel. " 'Ere, it weren't my fault me braces got caught at the top of the
chute" remarked Slugger. "Mind you, it's the first time I've ever done a bungee jump."
"I must say Slugger, I was surprised you went on the Waltzer" said Steve. "So was I" he replied, "I thought I was on the Ghost Train
till it started whizzing round. I didn't 'ave me national 'ealth aids with me."
"What, you mean you forgot your spectacles" said Dora.
"No, I lost me false teeth" he replied. "They shot out of me mouth on the third spin."
"Crikey" said Callie, "Then what happened?".
"They landed on a tombola stall about twenty feet away" said Slugger.
"Bit of luck there then" exclaimed Ron.
"Not really" replied Slugger, "I 'ad to buy 15 tickets before I won 'em back."
They returned home.
"So what did you have a go on at the fair Uncle?" asked Dora."I had a go at throwing balls into buckets hung on a board" he replied.
"How did you get on?" asked Steve.
"Not too good" he replied. "I had six goes. Only my last ball went in the bucket, and then it ended up on the floor so I didn't
win. The crafty blighter had cut little holes in the bottom of the buckets you couldn't see. The balls just fell through. It was
impossible to win. I threatened to report him to The Trading Standards."
"What did he say?" asked Slugger.
"I don't know" replied the Colonel, "It's difficult to hear anything with a bucket jammed over your head."
"What about you Steve, what did you go on" asked Callie. "You'll laugh if I tell you" he replied.
"No we won't" said Ron.
"I went on the Hook a Duck Stall" replied Steve. There was a silence.
Ron went into his bedroom, closed the door, and threw himself on the bed. "HAAAAAAAAARRGH.....................HAAAAAARGGH"
he roared ,"The hook a duck stall..................HAAAAAAAAAARRGH...........Oh my stomach hurts" he said.
A few moments later he returned from the bedroom with a straight face.
"See, we didn't laugh" he exclaimed.
"So did you win?" asked Dora.
"No" he replied, "My duck fell off the hook and onto the floor and landed in a pile of dog muck, it looked ghastly."
Ron disappeared into his bedroom again. "HAAAAAAAARRGH he roared....... in a pile of dog muck........HAAAAAAAAAAARGGH".
"And now for a treat" said the Colonel, "We're going for a slap up meal to finish off the day, we're celebrating."
"What are we celebrating Uncle?" asked Dora. "I'll tell you later" he replied. They arrived at the restaurant.
"Blimey, it's posh 'ere" said Slugger, "I ain't wearin' a tie." "Shouldn't worry about that" replied Steve, "Ron ain't even
wearing a shirt." "Yes I am" he answered.
"What, that bright coloured thing with multi coloured letters of all shapes and sizes on it" said Steve. "That's not a shirt, it's
more like what an optician uses to test your eyes with" he remarked.
"Would Sir like to see the a la carte" said the waiter to Slugger.
"No thanks, we've got a 'orse box if we need one, we'll just 'ave a look at the menu" he replied.
"Blimey" exclaimed Ron, "The meat must be a bit tough 'ere, we've got three knives and forks each."
"I can recommend the soup" said the waiter. "What is it?" asked Dora.
"Well, it's a sort of coloured liquid that comes in a bowl" replied the waiter, "You eat it with a spoon....or you dip your bread
in it" he said looking at Slugger.......or you slurp it" he exclaimed, looking at Ron. "By the way, my name's Nigel."
"Yes but what flavour is it Nigel?" asked Callie. "Ah well, that's the chefs surprise of the day" he replied.
"Why's it a surprise?" asked Steve. "Well the chef doesn't even know what it is" answered Nigel.
"It just depends which tin he takes out of the fridge."
"We'll have three prawn cocktails to start with" said Callie.
"Just a minute" said Dora, "We haven't decided yet".
"No, they're just for me" she replied.
"Is the chicken pie home made?" asked the Colonel.
"Yes, but I don't know whose home it was made in" answered Nigel.
"Do you know what sort of chips the chef makes" asked Callie, "Are they crinkled or straight?". "I'll just find out" said Nigel.
"Antoine love" he shouted through the kitchen door, "Do you prefer your frenchies wrinkled or straight?. Righto.
Straight" replied Nigel. "Which to be honest, surprised me a bit."
"What are frenchies?" asked Dora.
"French fries" replied Steve. "At least, I think that's what he meant."
"And does the chef roll his own dumplings?" asked Slugger.
"Oh yes" replied Nigel, "But only when we're not busy. And he always washes his hands afterwards."