Part 3
"Right, that's it, I've had enough" said the Colonel. "I'm fed up with everyone saying the rooms too small. Mr Clegg's coming
tomorrow to knock the inside wall out and make it bigger. I'm having a settee and chairs delivered and dining table and flowers
put in." The next week it was all done. "That looks better" said the Colonel, "A Mr Rigsby's coming to view it anytime."
"Are there's the doorbell." Steve opened the door. "The name's Rigsby" said a scruffy man, "This is Miss Jones, my lodger, and Alan,
a student and lodger." He had long black hair. "And Philip, also a student and lodger. Miss Jones room has rising damp so I'm
looking for temporary accommodation for her whilst the works being done."
"Let me show you the room" said the Colonel, proudly opening the door.
"Oh it's magnificent" said Miss Jones, "I love it. So spacious, it's gorgeous."
"I love the dark engraved wood" said Philip.
"Yes well you would" exclaimed Rigsby, "Being the son of an African Prince. Probably been chiselled away for months by Africans
who don't know the meaning of the word Minimum Working Wage."
"That's three words" said Alan.
"Yes well you know what I mean" replied Rigsby.
"So you're not from these parts Philip?" asked Steve.
"No, he's a foreigner" exclaimed Rigsby. "He's from Croydon."
"He's a planning student" explained Alan.
"Yes I know" replied Rigsy. "Hey, he'd have been a big help with that engraved wood getting it nice and smooth."
"I said planning" said Alan, "Not planing."
"The room looks very nice Ruth" said Philip. "Just like you, very plush lavish and ritzy." Miss Jones fluttered her eyelashes.
"And expensive" remarked Rigsby. "Trust you to find fault Rigsby" exclaimed Philip, "It's perfect for Ruth I'm sure."
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Ron opened it. A young man with blonde hair and an older man with a moustache stood there.
"My names Mr Humphries" said the blonde man and this is Mr Peacock."
" 'Ere, did you ring my bell" asked Ron.
"No" replied Mr Humphries, "But I'd like to."
They walked in. "We both work for Grace Brothers, a department store" said Mr Peacock. We heard about the room to let so thought
we'd take a look."
"We're looking for somewhere to live together" said Mr Humphries.
"Is the room free?" asked Mr Peacock.
"Er...yes..It's free" answered the Colonel.
"We'll take it then" blurted out Rigsby, "Where do I sign?"
"He means the room's available Rigsby" exclaimed Philip. "I know what he meant" replied Rigsby.
"No you didn't" said Alan, "I saw the veins in your neck expand with a rush of blood to the head, and your eyeballs bulge.
Don't forget, I'm a medical student."
"Oh yeah" replied Rigsby,"And when I asked you to take my pulse last week you walked off with my handbag."
"Well I thought you said take my purse" exclaimed Alan. "Not much chance of that" said Philip.
"Ooh I love a man with a handbag" said Mr Humphries.
"I think the room's too big for one person" exclaimed Rigsby. "Miss Jones, I've something to ask you. I've admired you for a long
time from a distance" he said.
"Yes I know" she replied, "I saw you pass me on the number 43 bus yesterday. You were waving and gesturing like a lunatic.
I thought someone had escaped from the local sanatorium."
"Miss Jones" he continued, getting down on one knee..."Are you alright Mr Rigsby" she said, "Has your back gone again."
"No it's not my back Miss Jones" said Rigsby...."Miss Jones....Ruth....Would you do me the honour of becoming Mrs Rigsby."
"What, you want me to pretend to be your mother" she replied.
"No, I want you to be my wife" said Rigsby, sweating. "Is it hot in here or what." "Have you been drinking Rigsby?" asked Alan.
There was a silence.
"A girl needs a moment to think" said Miss Jones.
Suddenly there was another knock at the door. Dora opened it. Joe Rimmington stood there. "Uncle Joe" gasped a surprised Dora.
"Hello Dora" he said smiling and walking in." I heard you had a room to let." "Well, yes," replied Dora, "But...." "It looks ideal" he said.
Just what I'm looking for. And so are you Dora. All these months since I met you I've done nothing but think about you.
You're in my heart, mind and soul. Dora, I love you. Will you marry me?. With the Colonel's permission of course."
Steve Slugger and Ron stood open mouthed "Well of course you have my permission" said a surprised Colonel.
"Just a minute" shouted Rigsby, "I got in first".
"Blimey" said Ron, eventually, "It must be something in the water."
"Quick, a glass of water for Mr Peacock" said Mr Humphries.
"I can't marry you Mr Rigsby" replied Miss Jones. "I love someone else." Rigsby got off his knee, struggling. He sat on the stool.
It gave way again. Rigsby went crashing to the floor.
"Are you alright Rigsby?" asked Alan, "I'm a medical student. "I think I've broken it" replied Rigsby.
"What, your arm" Exclaimed Alan.
"No, the bloody stool leg" said Rigsby, holding it up.
"So who is it you love Miss Jones" continued Rigsby..."Tell me....I'll kill him" he said, waving the chair leg around.
"It's Philip" she cried out, rushing over to him and putting her arms around him.
"Well maybe some other time" said Rigsby.
"I'm sorry Ruth" replied Philip, "But I don't love you. I just like us to be friends."
Miss Jones roared and sat on the bed. "There, there, it's not the end of the world" said Mr Humphries.
"What about you Dora?" asked Uncle Joe. "Have you had time to think?". Dora looked into Joe's eyes.
"I'm sorry" she answered, "But my love lies elsewhere too."
"Cancel the water for Mr Peacock" said Mr Humphries.
Ron, Slugger and The Colonel looked towards Steve. Steve looked down at the floor.
"I love my horses" explained Dora. "I just want to love them and look after them. I'm sorry Joe, I can't marry you."
"Well we've heard from couples No. 1 and No. 2" said Mr Humphries imitating Cilla Black, "Now it's over to couple No. 3.
Mr Peacock, here's your blind date for the evening....... Mr Humphries." Mr Peacock stood there with a sullen face.
"I'm sorry Mr Humphries, but it's over between us" he said. "I too love someone else, who works at Grace Brothers also."
"Is it Mr Rumbold?" asked a shaken Mr Humphries.
"No."
"Mr Grainger?"
"No. It's Mrs Slocombe."
"Mrs Slocombe?"
"Yes, I realised the other day when I went to see her. I knew I wasn't gay when I was playing with her pussy" said Mr Peacock.
"Yes, well, that is a bit of a giveaway" replied Rigsby
"I'm talking about Mrs Slocombe's cat" Explained Mr Peacock.
" 'Ere, Rigsby's got a cat" said Alan. It's called Vienna." "Yes, he reminds me of you" replied Rigsby.
"What, because he's warm and cuddly and got long hair" said Alan.
"No, because he spends all day eating and does bugger all and pees in my back garden in the evening" said Rigsby.
Mr Humphries threw himself on the bed, next to Miss Jones.
"It's the end of the world" he roared.