Author Topic: The Colonel's birthday  (Read 1162 times)

Offline pete.r.

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The Colonel's birthday
« on: July 16, 2016, 01:08:27 PM »
                                                                 The Colonel's birthday

A story in four parts

PART 1

" 'Ere guess what I've just 'eard Slugs" said Ron, "It's the Colonel's birthday in a couple of days time, he'll be 60, I just over'eard 'im
tellin' someone on the phone." "You mean you were eavesdropping" said Dora. "What makes you say that?" replied Ron.
" 'Cause your right ear, on the inside, it's gone the same shape as the Colonel's doorknob" answered Steve.
"Yeah well, I found out, didn't I."
"Why don't we give him a surprise birthday party" said Steve. "Great idea" said Slugger. "See, I come in 'andy sometimes" said Ron.
"Yeah, about every sixtieth birthday" replied Steve.
"No, I don't think Uncle would like a surprise party" chirped in Dora. "I don't think it's his thing." Suddenly the Colonel entered the room.
"Ah, glad you're all here together" he said, "I've something to tell you. Unless Ron's already spilled the beans."
"Nah not me" replied Ron, "Slugger does the cookin' 'ere."
"I'm referring to your earwigging Stryker" continued the Colonel. " 'Ow did you know" said Ron.
"I may be almost 60 but I'm not senile yet" he said, "Plus I don't normally get ear wax on my doorknob. As I was saying, I've
decided to have a surprise birthday party. I'm 60 the day after tomorrow."
"Uncle!" exclaimed Dora. "I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing." "Whyever not Dora," said the Colonel, "I'm not a fuddy duddy.
It'll be quite exciting." "Well" said Dora, "I...er..." "Hang on" said Steve, "How can you have a surprise birthday party if you know all
about it Colonel."
"Yeah", "It won't be much of a surprise" added Slugger. "Well it's not actually a surprise party" replied the Colonel, "More of a
reunion. I've put adverts in the local papers and shop windows. Anyone who knows me from the past is invited. So it'll be a surprise
to me as to who comes. Now, I've decided to hold it on my birthday and I'm supplying free cups of tea and sandwiches to
everyone who comes, that should entice people."
"Not if they know Slugger's made 'em" said Ron.

"Ah, well, actually, It'll be too much for Slugger to do all on his own" exclaimed the Colonel. "So I want you all to help out. Steve, you
can do the tinned salmon and cucumber sandwiches, Ron, you can do the cheese ones and Dora, you can make the ham ones."
"What about me?" asked Slugger.
"I thought you could make the tea" the Colonel answered.
"Yeah" said Ron, "We want to give people salmon, not salmonella."
"Well I'm looking forward to it everyone, let's see what faces appear from the past on the day" said the Colonel.

The big day arrived. They'd all been busy in the kitchen. Ron's sarnies were proper doorsteps, thick with huge chunks of cheese in
them. Dora's looked like the bread had been hacksawed and then ham shoved inside and pressed down, fingermarks imprinted on
the bread. Steve's were perfect, cut into neat triangles. "What time are they coming?" asked Slugger, wearing a smart dark jacket,
grey trousers and a dark bowler hat, his teapot at the ready. "About 3 'o clock" replied the Colonel, "Any minute now."

"Here's the first one coming now" said Steve. A car pulled into the yard.
"Richard, mind that dead tree in the middle of the yard" shouted a middle aged lady wearing a blue and white spotted dress and
matching hat.
"Minding the dead tree" replied Richard, her husband, in a smart blue suit and sporting a moustache. "Here we are Hyacinth."
They got out of the car. "Oh no" groaned the Colonel. "It's the bucket woman."
"Who's the bucket woman?" asked Dora. "Does she drive a JCB?".
Before the Colonel could reply she walked over to Slugger. "Ah Colonel" she said, "Nice to meet you again, I must say, you havn't
changed a bit."
" 'Ere missus, wot you onnabout" replied Slugger.
"I must say Richard, the Queen's English seems to have diminished from the Colonel's dulcet tones over the years. Must be living out
here in the sticks that's done it."
"I don't think so" said Richard, "That's not..."
"Don't worry Colonel, I'll soon have you talking correctly again" she said, "With some quick electrician's lessons. Now, after me, say 'How now brown cow."
"Excuse me Mrs Bucket, I'm the Colonel, that's Slugger you're talking too."
"I tried to tell you Hyacinth" said Richard.
"Oh of course Colonel. And the name's Bouquet" said Hyacinth. "Silly me, I should have realised I was talking to your butler. All the
posh people have butlers Richard" she said.
"Slugger used to be my batman" exclaimed the Colonel.
"Oh how marvellous" replied Hyacinth. "I didn't even know you played cricket Colonel. And who are these other people?".
"This is Dora who runs Follyfoot, and Steve and Ron who help her."
"Awfully young to be running something aren't they Colonel" said Hyacinth. "Experience is what counts."
"Oh they're very experienced" replied the Colonel. "Just like my Sheridan" said Hyacinth. "He's so young. He's seen things that would
make your hair curl."
"Is 'ee an 'airdresser then?" asked Slugger.
"No, he's in ladies clothes" replied Hyacinth. "We've been worried about him for some time" said Richard.

"So how do you know the Colonel?" asked Dora.
"Oh we only go to the smartest of establishments" she replied. "We've met the Colonel on several posh soirèes. We only hang about
with the upper class." Suddenly an old banger of a car pulled into the yard, a clapped out Ford Cortina Mk 1V. It backfired.
"Careful" said Dora, "You'll frighten the horses." A rather obese man and woman got out of the car, the man was scruffy and wore a
peak cap, and had on a vest that only just covered his beer belly.



Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: The Colonel's birthday
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2016, 01:51:01 PM »
"It's your sister Daisy and her husband Onslow" said Richard to Hyacinth. Hyacinth closed her eyes, a pained expression on her face.
" 'Scuse me squire" said Onslow to the Colonel, "But I think your driveway needs a few repairs, those potholes havn't done the
springs on my Classic Car any good. I've got a mate who could repair it cheap for you."
"Looks like you've got one missing" said Steve, peering underneath it.
"Yes, it fell off half a mile back" said Onslow. "I'll pick it up on the way home."
"I'm not sharing a car with a  dirty, grotesque thing" said Daisy. "Whyever not" exclaimed Hyacinth, "Onslow brought you didn't he."
"And I'm not a squire, I'm a colonel, and it's a dirt track, not a motorway. And I don't know you people."
"You may have done" replied Onslow, "I worked as a bin man about 5 years ago."
"That was only for 2 days" exclaimed Richard.
"The job didn't suit me" replied Onslow, "I couldn't put up with all the mess."
Steve looked inside the  car, there were hundreds of fag ends and dozens of old fish and chip wrappers inside.
"Anyway" said Onslow, "I could have emptied your bin." "And Hyacinth said there was free sandwiches" said Daisy.

"Oh very well" replied the Colonel, "There's no one else to eat them." They brought  out the sandwiches. Daisy and Onslow piled
their plates high and started ramming them down their throats, stuffing themselves like pigs.
"Oh Richard" sighed Hyacinth, "Why couldn't it have been my other sister, Violet, the one with a Mercedes, swimming pool, sauna
and room for a pony."
"Hey" shouted Ron, "Look, someone else's just pulling into the yard."
"Blimey" said Slugger, as he watched the food disappear, "You'd better make some more sandwiches everyone."


To be continued.........
Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: The Colonel's birthday
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2016, 03:03:52 PM »
PART 2

A motorbike and sidecar pulled into the yard. It headed straight towards a huge pile of fresh manure at speed.
"He's going too fast" said Steve. "George stop!" shouted a middle aged woman in the sidecar. George hit the brakes stopping
suddenly. Unfortunately the sidecar didn't. It carried on and ploughed straight into the muckheap, and buried itself in it.
"Blimey, that was close Mildred" said George, getting off his bike. "I nearly had a nasty accident there."
Steve and Slugger grabbed a shovel each and furiously dug a path to the sidecar through the rotting fly infested stench.
Slugger opened the door. "Cor blimey, wot a smell in 'ere" he exclaimed.
"It's Mildred's new perfume I got for her birthday" replied George, "I got it cheap off a bloke at the market. It's called 'Once Only."
"Yeah" answered Slugger, "You'd certainly never buy another bottle."
"It's got quite a cheeky little bouquet hasn't it" said George. "Did someone mention my name" said Hyacinth.
"Smells like a mixture of carbolic soap and sweaty socks" said Steve, holding his nose.
"George, I shouted you to stop" said an annoyed Mildred. "I couldn't see he replied." "You were wearing your goggles" said Mildred.
"Yes but they were all covered in flies" answered George, "Since you put on that new perfume Mildred they keep following us around."

"Well I'm not walking through that lot George" exclaimed Mildred.
"Here let me help" said Steve, "I'll carry you."
"Oh would you dear" she purred. "That would be nice." Steve put his arms around her.
"Oh what a lovely strong grip you've got" she said, "I bet you'd be good at getting the lids off pickled onion jars. George can never do it.
I have to do it for him. Mind you, there's a lot of things he can't do I have to help him with. Don't I George."
Suddenly Steve threw Mildred over his shoulder and gave her a fireman's lift and walked towards the safety of the yard.
Ron followed, an air frehener in each hand, spraying like mad.
Hyacinth covered Richard's eyes with her hands. "Hyacinth, I can't see" he blurted out.
"No dear, and you're not going to" she replied, "You don't need to know where her underwear was made." Steve put Mildred down.
"Well" she said, smoothing down her attire, "It's been a long time since a man's ruffled my frock like that. Hasn't it George."
George scratched the back of his neck and pulled a face.

"So where do I know you from Mrs....?" asked the Colonel. "Roper, it's Mrs Roper" she replied. "But it's Mr Roper you met years ago,
not me." "Yes that's right" exclaimed George, "It was at the Savoy Hotel Harrogate, about eight years ago. Real posh do it was. The
Mayor was there, Lord Beck was there, Lady Carne was there, all the high-class people were invited."
"I wasn't invited" retorted Hyacinth.
"Exactly" said George. "I'm sorry but I still can't recognise you" said the Colonel.
"Ah that's because I was in uniform at the do" answered George. "Oh I see" said the Colonel. "You were in the forces."
"No, I was the lift attendant" replied George.
"The lift attendant" exclaimed Mildred. "You told me you were there because you'd been elevated to a high position."
"Yes I was" said George, "I had to take everyone up to the 6th floor, that's where they were holding the function."

"Can I get you some tea?" asked Slugger. "Oh yes please" replied Mildred, "Do you have Green Tea?".
"Only when the tea bags have gone off" replied Slugger.
"And would you like to try one of my tinned salmon and cucumber sandwiches" said Steve.
"Oh yes please dear" she said, "I'll have a little nibble with you. Well these are very good, very delicately made for someone with such
strong hands. I bet you didn't have any trouble with the ring pull. Not like George. He can't do it. I have to pull it for him."
"Mildred" said George. "Just my little joke George" she replied. "So did you slice the cucumber yourself dear?" she asked.
"Er... yes" answered Steve. "And I bet you had a nice big long one" she enquired.
"Why are you giving me a funny look Mildred" said George. "I hope you're not expecting me to give in to your demands tonight."
"Mind you" said Steve, "When I'd finished it was just a tiny knobbly thing."
"I know what you're thinking Mildred."
"I never said a word George" she replied.

"Would you like something to eat Mr Roper?" asked Dora. "Got any pickled onions, I'm partial to pickled onions" said George.
"A man after my own heart" exclaimed Onslow. "I don't like pickled onions" said Daisy, stuffing two cheese doorsteps into her mouth.
"Well it's about the only thing you don't like" Onslow replied.
Slugger brought a huge jar from the kitchen and some forks, and put them on the table. "I sometimes 'ave one wiv me cheese" he said.
George picked it up and sat in his chair, the jar on his lap, stabbing them. Pickled onions flew everywhere.
"Bit crunchy these" said George as Richard ducked to avoid one. Onslow picked them off the floor and started eating them.
"Do you mind" said Hyacinth. "Oh sorry" replied Onslow, "I should have offered you one, here's one with not too much fluff on it."
"There's nothing wrong with my floor" exclaimed Slugger, "You could eat your dinner off it."
"Onslow already is" replied Richard.

"Hey, someone else's coming" shouted Ron. They all went to the door. An old horse pulling a broken down cart stood there, it had the
name 'Pledge's Purer Pickles' on it. "Well if it isn't Nellie Pledge" said a surprised Colonel, "Glad you could come to my party. "I've
known Nellie a ling time" he said to Dora. " 'Ee lad, I didn't know there was a party, I've just come to ask thee a favour" she said.
"I've decided to retire, there's too many modern firms taking over with fancy machinery. I can't compete. Could you take in my horse
Storm here and give him a good home. He's been pulling our cart for 15 years, he deserves retirement."

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: The Colonel's birthday
« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2016, 03:56:17 PM »
"Do we have space Dora?" asked the Colonel. "Yes Uncle" she replied, "We can take him."
"What a gorgeous name for a gorgeous creature" said Onslow. "You never say that to me" exclaimed Daisy.
"That's because the horse is better looking than you" he replied. "You shouldn't compare my Daisy to a horse" said Hyacinth.
"Why not, she eats like one" he replied. "In fact, I'm beginning to think it wasn't the Colonel's drive that broke the spring on the car, it
was the one near where you sit Daisy. They can only take so much weight." "Your side should have gone years ago then" she replied.
"We must change the subject Richard" said Hyacinth. "Well we could talk about Weightwatchers" said Richard. "I hear they're very good."
"Talking of horses" said Hyacinth, "Did I tell you my sister Violet's got a Mercedes, swimming pool, sauna and...'Room for a pony'
everyone said in chorus'.

"Me and Walter's just got these last few deliveries to do then you can take Storm" said Nellie. Walter was a tall thin man who never spoke. "I said we've just a few deliveries to do Walter, havn't we. Have you been, I said have you been?". Walter nodded.
"He's been. It's his bladder you know."
"We can take him now if you like" said Dora, "We can finish the deliveries in the Land Rover and take you home. Storm looks very tired."
"Oh no we couldn't do that" replied Nellie, "Storm would want to finish his deliveries on his final day, it's been his life. Plus I need to
get the cart back, it's worth a few bob that." "We'll pick him up tomorrow with the horse box, about 1.00 o' clock" said Steve.
"What time is it now" replied, Nellie looking at her wrist. "Oh I must get a little hand put on this watch. And before I go here's a jar
of Pledge's Purer Pickled Onions, as a thank you." George and Onslow's faces lit up.
" 'Ere, they look proper pickles, not like these in this jar" exclaimed George.
"Pledge's Pickled Onions are always perfect" said Nellie, "And I can say that without fear of contraception."

"I think Storm's left us a little present as well" said Hyacinth, stepping over a brown puddle.
" 'Ee storm lad" replied Nellie, "I'll have to stop giving thee Milk Stout." "Good job Walter wasn't on the Milk Stout" replied Onslow.
And off they went.
"Walter doesn't say much" said Daisy. "He probably can't get a word in edgeways with Nellie" said Onslow.
"I know the feeling well" sighed Richard.

To be continued.........
Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: The Colonel's birthday
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2016, 02:07:17 PM »
PART 3

"Listen" said Dora, "I can hear a loud noise, sounds like a lorry or something coming." "Blimey" exclaimed Steve, "Look, it's a red
and white double decker bus, looks like you've got some more visitors arriving Colonel."
"Well they're certainly not from the Slugger Jones Culinary Appreciation Society" said Ron. "You could get them on a unicycle."
"Look out!" shouted Steve to the driver, "The gate's shut." Too late. There was a loud crash, bits of wood flew everywhere. The bus
drove straight through and pulled up in the yard. What was left of the gate hung on it's bonnet.
"My God" yelled Dora.
"My gate" bellowed the Colonel.
"My bus" shrieked a smartly dressed bus inspector wearing a mac and a cap. He had a short moustache.
"Didn't you see that gate Butler?". "What gate Blakey" he replied.
"I'll get you for this Butler. First thing when we get back you're having an eye test."
" 'Ere" said Jack the conductor, "Better get Arthur one as well."
"There's nothing wrong with my eyesight" replied Arthur. "I don't go round driving through gates. "No, but you married Olive" said Jack.
"Arthur, are you going to let him talk to me like that" said Olive. Arthur looked at Olive.
"I'll have the eye test then" said Arthur.
"No offence then" said Stan, the driver. "And no bloomin' gate either" exclaimed Blakey. "More expense for the bus company. I hate
you Butler."

"So who are all these people Uncle?" asked Dora."Ah well, many years ago I used to commute on buses" he replied. "I know Blakey
the inspector well, and Stan the driver and Jack the conductor." "And this is my sister Olive and her husband Arthur" said Stan.
"Yes" said Olive, "On the way here me and Arthur sat on the back seat upstairs, alone. Didn't we Arthur?". Arthur straightened his tie.
"Yes we, er...we did" he answered. "You took up most of it." "Hope you didn't get up to anything you shouldn't have done" said Jack.
"Well...er..." "As a matter of fact we played a naughty game" interrupted Olive. "Yes, well, it passed the time" said Arthur.
"Just a minute" said Blakey. "You played a naughty game on my bus. I wasn't consulted". "So what was this game" asked Stan, "Were
you playing 'Snap' for a halfpenny a time." "Gambling's strictly forbidden on my bus" said Blakey.
"No we wern't gambling" replied Olive. "Every time we saw a blue lorry I had to take an item of clothing off. And every time we
passed a red lorry Arthur had to take an item of clothing off. We never saw much until we passed a field that had caught fire. There
were three fire engines there."
"Luckily I was wearing 3 pairs of socks, 3 string vests and 3 pairs of underpants" said Arthur.
"Blimey, you came prepared" exclaimed Jack, "Have you played this game before then?".
"No, most certainly not" answered Arthur. "Olive put them out for me for the weekend."
"Couldn't you have brought them in a suitcase" said Blakey, "That's what most people do." "Our weekend suitcase was absolutely
jam pack full of Olives smalls" replied Arthur, "And why they call them smalls is beyond me."
"Yes and I've bought a new red nightie" said Olive, " 'specially for you Arthur." " 'Ere, you should look nice in that Arthur" said Stan.
"Red doesn't seem your lucky colour at the moment" said Jack. "So how did this game finish up?" asked Blakey.
"I ended up wearing just a pair of socks" said Arthur. "It was Stan's fault, he kept driving up and down the road, past the field."
"Well I found the fire interesting" replied Stan. "Not as interesting as what Olive found" said Jack.
"I didn't find Arthur's socks interesting" said Olive.
"That's made my day that has" said Blakey......"Aarrgh" he cried out, laughing.
"And, strictly speaking" said Arthur, "The fire Tenders wern't red, they were a shade of coquelicot."
"What's cock..cock.. cockalot" asked Olive. "Oh for gawd's sake" replied Blakey, "Let's not go down that road."

"Can we offer you some tea and sandwiches" said the Colonel, changing the subject. "Or there's pickled onions" said George.
"Oh I love pickled onions" said Olive. "Your mum obviously gave you the wrong name" exclaimed Onslow, passing her the jar.
Olive sat cramming onions in her mouth. "Is she pregnant?" asked Mildred.
"Most certainly not" replied Arthur, "And there's not much chance either when she's eaten that lot. You can sit on the back seat on
your own going home, I'll sit downstairs." "Oh Arthur" she said. "Now look what you've done Arthur" said Jack, "You've upset Olive."
"Well you sit on the back seat with her then" he replied.
"Arthur's right" answered Jack. "You can sit on the back seat on your own Olive."

"Well it's very nice of everyone to visit me on my birthday" said the Colonel. "Is there a cake" asked Daisy. "I love cake." "So do I"
drooled Olive. "What a surprise" exclaimed Ron. "Well it just so happens" said Hyacinth, "I've brought a cake with me for the Colonel
from the Wholesome Bakery. My candlelight suppers are renowned for my superior quality of cake. They're so light and fluffy. Richard
dear, would you fetch the cake out of the car please. And could you give him a hand Onslow, I think It'll need two people to carry it."
"Can't be that light and fluffy then" said George.
"And mind that dead tree in the middle of the yard" shouted Hyacinth. "Minding the dead tree" echoed Richard.
The two men came back with a large box. "Do look in the box Colonel, I think you'll be surprised" said Hyacinth.
The Colonel peered inside. "Well what do you think?" asked Hyacinth. "It's...er...very unusual" he replied. "What do you mean unusual,
you work with horses, can't you recognise it" said Hyacinth. The Colonel opened the box for everyone to see.
"Blimey" exclaimed Slugger, "It's horrendous." The cake was the shape of a hideous face wearing a viking helmet with long red
shoulder length hair beneath it. " 'Ere" said Steve, "It looks like you on a good day Ron."

"That's Ivan The Red" replied Dora, "He was a famous Norwegian viking."
"I distinctly told the man on the phone I wanted a cake in the shape of a horse's head" replied Hyacinth.
"Well you can see what's happened" said Richard. "He misheard you, they've sent a cake in the shape of a Norse's head."
"Oh Richard" replied Hyacinth. "Not to worry" said the Colonel, "I'm sure It'll taste fine."

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: The Colonel's birthday
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2016, 02:53:02 PM »
"Actually he looks quite handsome" said Olive."I suppose he does compared to your Arthur" said Jack. "It looks 'orrible" exclaimed
Blakey. "Come to think of it, it's not unlike you Jack with your long hair under your cap."
"At least I don't look like Hitler" replied Jack. " 'Ere, where's Arthur gone" said Stan. "He's outside with George looking at his
motorcycle and sidecar" said Olive. "He's got one. He thinks more of it than me."
"Oh I'm sure he doesn't" said Mildred, "He probably likes you both the same. I mean, take George...I wish someone would. George is
just the same. Yes, you could be right. I don't think George's ever stripped me down in the kitchen and tuned my vital bits."
"If I was a motorbike would you tune my vital bits Onslow" asked Daisy, a piece of cake in each hand. "Would you fiddle with my
tappets." "The only thing Onslow fiddles is his unemployment benefit" exclaimed Hyacinth.

"This is very nice cake Hyacinth" said Steve. "Very sweet and tasty." "I bet you say that to all the girls dear" said Mildred.
Dora scowled. "I think I'm going to check the horses" she said. She went outside. Steve followed. "Are you alright Dora?" he asked.
"Oh Steve, this is just awful" she replied. "I feel so embarrassed for Uncle. These people, they're just.." "Yes I know" he answered.
"Perhaps some one else will turn up. Someone normal. At least you've got a new face to look forward to. Storm"
"Yes, yes of course" said Dora. She smiled. "That's my girl" replied Steve. "Come on, we'd better go back in."
"Look" answered Dora, "Another car's coming in."
"Well whoever it is" said Steve "They can't be as vulgar or as rude as the people we've already got."

To be continued.........
Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: The Colonel's birthday
« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2016, 04:22:14 PM »
PART 4

The car pulled up. A tall man with a moustache got out with his wife. "Well hello" said the Colonel, "Basil Fawlty. Nice to see you again
Basil. And you too Sybil." "Hello there Colonel" answered Basil. "I used to holiday at Basil's hotel in Torquay, Fawlty Towers, years ago"
the Colonel said to everyone." "Yes, I still run it" replied Basil. "You mean I run it" said Sybil, "With the help of Polly."
"You got a parrot then?" asked Slugger. "Look" said Basil, "Who takes all the bookings, cleans the bedrooms, cooks the meals and
generally looks after the guests in a calm and serene manner?". Sybil looked at Basil. "Me and Polly, the maid" she answered ". "Yes, well
we were in the area sightseeing for a few days so we thought we'd pop in and see you Colonel" said Basil. "Excellent" he replied.

"If you'll excuse me for a moment" said Basil. He walked over to the table where the ladies were sitting and crawled under it.
"Something wrong?" asked the Colonel. "Just checking" replied Basil. "We've just had the health and safety people inspect our
hotel" said Sybil. "He's got a thing about it now." "Just ferreting around" he shouted, "Seeing if I can find anything."
"Oooo" exclaimed Mildred, her eyes bulging, "You nearly found something there."
Basil's face appeared, smiling."Yes, that's fine" he said. "Nothing under here. Except for a dead rat."
"Aaarghh" shouted Olive, Daisy, Mildred and Hyacinth, all leaping up. "Only joking" said Basil. "There's just pickled onions under there."
"Oh they'll be mine" said George, "I dropped some,  'Ere, pass 'em over 'ere."

"You stupid man" said Olive, munching another piece of cake, "I nearly had a heart attack there."
"Didn't seem to affect your appetite" replied Arthur. "Well that was a very foolhardy thing to say" exclaimed Onslow.
"I'm sorry, did you speak" said Basil. "Did your incompetent, worthless, inadequate, inept brain send a message to your mouth giving
instructions for an ignoramus simpleton to say something." "Just calm down Basil" said Sybil. "Sit down and have a cup of tea."
"Oh of course" replied Basil. "A cup of tea. The answer to everything isn't it Sybil. I'm surrounded by hapless, ineffectual morons. I mean,
just look at him over there. The Hitler lookalike. I bet he got shot at a few times by his own men in the war."
"That's Blakey, he's wearing a bus inspector's outfit" said Stan.
"A bus inspector's outfit" replied Basil. "Did he think it was a fancy dress party he was coming to then?. He could have come as a
tomato sauce bottle, a lobster or a hot dog. Or more aptly, Dopey, of the seven dwarfs."
"No, we borrowed our bus to come here" said Stan.  "I drove it and brought Jack, Arthur, Olive and Blakey here."
"Borrowed a bus" exclaimed Basil. "Couldn't you have just come in a taxi, like normal people for heavens sake."
"We came on a motorcycle and sidecar" said George.
"Yes, unfortunately" replied Mildred. "Mind you, I'd have been safer riding pillion with Evel Knievel and doing a leap over Blakey's bus. I
mean, fancy driving me into a muckheap George. I still keep finding straw in my..." "Knickers to you lot" shouted Basil."
"Er...well no, actually I meant my hair" said Mildred, running her fingers along the top of her head.
"Double decker buses, sidecars, did anyone else come here using unusually abnormal transport?" asked Basil. "A submarine perhaps,
a flying saucer, a snow plough maybe?". "Sit down!" said Sybil firmly. Basil sat down.

"So what's your hotel like Mr Fawlty?" asked Hyacinth.
"It's full of half-witted idiotic moronic people" he replied. "Yes, and the guests are just as bad" said Sybil.
"I mean, take our Spanish waiter, Manuel," said Basil. "Has anyone ever  met such a bizarre, peculiar, freakish,  eccentric person."
"Why are you looking at me like that Sybil" said Basil.
"Do you do offers?" asked Mildred. "You know, stay for two weeks and get one week free."
"I don't know" exclaimed Basil, "No one's ever stopped that long."

"I'm not surprised" said George, "with your attitude. And I bet you don't get many guests returning either."
"I'm sorry, did you say something?" asked Basil. "Are you implying that I'm rude, you uncivil, disrespectful, disagreeable little twit."
"No of course not" replied George.
"Well I think you're rude" said Daisy. "You were rude to my Onslow. You inferred  he was stupid."
"Oh did I" said Basil. "Did I really. And did I mention his wife was a bulging, potbellied, whalelike butterball."
"No I don't think you did" she said.
"He's got a funny way of making friends with people" said Onslow.

"Basil, try one of these sandwiches" said Sybil, "They're salmon and cucumber, your favourite."
"Salmon, what type of salmon is it?" asked Basil." Atlantic Salmon, Chinook Salmon, Sockeye Salmon, Coho Salmon, Black Sea Salmon,
chum Salmon?".
"It's Tesco's finest tinned Pink Salmon" replied Steve.
"I'm sorry, did you say Tesco's finest tinned Pink Salmon" said Basil.
"Yes" said Steve, "We only buy the best."
"Oh do you" exclaimed Basil. "Do you really. And did the rotting, putrid cucumber come in a brown stained polythene bag with the words 'Reduced for quick sale'on it." "Basil" growled Sybil.
"They're very nice sandwiches" said Mildred. "I've just had one. 'Burrrp'. Oh, sorry about that."

"So what do you like about Torquay Basil?" asked George.
"Oh the view from our hotel windows is beguiling, captivating, bewitching" replied Basil. "The Great Pyramids, their masonry
structures reaching high into the sky almost touching the clouds, the sun reflecting off their vertexes. Herds of Springbok's leaping
across the dry grasslands. The Great Wall of China, surrounding our modest, unassuming little hotel before disappearing into
the distance."

"Are you trying to be funny" said George.
"Well you started it" replied Basil.











Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: The Colonel's birthday
« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2016, 05:30:44 PM »
"Only time Basil's happy at the hotel is when everyone's gone home" said Sybil.
"Talking of which" replied the Colonel, "We have to get up early in the morning to see to the horses, I think it's time we called it a day."

All the visitors had gone home. All the food had been eaten. The Colonel came into the room. Everyone sat there.
"I've just had a phone call" he said. "Bad news I'm afraid. He's taken ill."
"I'm not surprised" replied Dora. That horrid Onslow ate all my sandwiches, half a jar of pickled onions and three slices of cake.
Serves him right."
"No, it's not Onslow" said the Colonel. "Nellie Pledge just phoned. It's Storm." "Storm" exclaimed Dora. "What's wrong?".
"He'd just finished his final delivery" explained the Colonel. "He was on his way back home. He suddenly keeled over. They got the vet
straight away."
"Is he alright" said Dora. "Can I see him?".
"I'm sorry Dora" replied the Colonel. "The vet couldn't do anything. Storm was old and frail, and dying. He had to put him down."

Dora screamed. "No Uncle!. No.! I said he should stop here. I said he was too tired to carry on. I should have insisted. This is all my
fault. I'm to blame."
"Now, now, Dora," said the Colonel, "It's not your fault. Perhaps....perhaps Storm knew he'd finished his work. Perhaps he didn't
want to be put out to grass."
"But I could have looked after him Uncle" said Dora. "I could have given him some love."
"I know" answered the Colonel.

Dora ran outside, Slugger followed. Steve got up. "No, leave her" said the Colonel. They both looked out of the window. Dora was
sobbing, holding onto the Lightning Tree, Slugger's arm around her.
"Sometimes we work too hard" said Steve.
"Sometimes we don't get what we deserve.
Sometimes we can't change the inevitable."

"Are you talking about Storm" said the Colonel. "Or Dora."
"You've put yourself out today Colonel" replied Steve."And what reward did you get. Rude, offensive people, not really your friends.
It should have been your special day."
Steve looked the Colonel in the eyes.
"It's me you're talking about, isn't it Steve. Me" said the Colonel. "Look, It's no use getting angry or upset. What's happened happened.
And after all, it wasn't such a bad day, was it?".
"Try telling that to Dora" replied Steve, before walking out of the room and slamming the door.

The Colonel stood there forlornly. His sad craggy face looked at the empty plates and jars on the table. He looked out of the window.
Slugger consoling a distraught Dora. The crumpled, broken gate lying on the floor, as if to replicate Storm.

"Well I shan't forget this birthday in a hurry", muttered the Colonel.

                                                                                       THE END

Cut out the strong to help the weak