PART 3
"Right" said The Colonel, "What would you have liked to have done Slugger?". " 'Ere" he replied, "I'd have loved to 'ave been in a
comedy double act. Yeah, a comedy duo." He went deep into thought. He was sat in a chair. The grey haired man with a moustache
and wearing spectacles sat in a chair next to him.
"Good morning" said Slugger, "And with me in the studio today I have Mr Lowden Clear, an expert in answering questions before they've
been asked."
"Hello, how are you" asked Slugger. "Bloody awful" he replied, in a precise, distinct voice.
"How's the weather been?". "Had nothing but wind today."
"What's caused that then?". "Brussels for a week."
"Where did you go for your holidays?". "Turkey."
"What did you have for Xmas dinner?". "A gerbil."
"What did you buy your daughter for Xmas?". "A bag of manure."
"What did you pot on your roses this year, they were a lovely colour?". "A tin of red paint."
"You finished decorating the kitchen then, what did you use?". "A tube of pink lipstick."
"So what did you buy the wife for Xmas?". "An electric razor with an attachment for trimming moustaches."
"And what did she buy you?". "A white lacy bra."
"And what did your daughter buy her mum?". "A book, how to lose 2 stone in a month."
"You've lost some weight lately, what helped you do it?". "The wifes cooking."
"What did you enjoy most at Xmas?". "The mother in law died."
"I hear you went to a funeral?". "Best laugh I've had in ages."
"What, you went to a nudist camp for your holidays?". "Yes, the wife got 2 lovely big melons."
"Did you get something nice to eat?". "The meat and two veg. was very popular."
"So you hung agound the cafe a lot?". "Nearly poked the wifes eye out twice."
"Those kebabs on sticks can be very dangerous?". "Yes, especially if you sit on one."
"So the chairs were comfy then?". "They were a bit small, but the wife managed to wee in them."
"What were the toilets like?". "Not too bad, but we didn't like the plain see through glass in the doors."
"How was your hotel room?". "Six foot deep in water."
"And the swimming pool?". "It's Clear."
"Well, it's been nice interviewing you, I'm sorry but I've forgotten your name. Goodbye everyone."
"Yeah" said Slugger, "That's what I'd like to have done, a comedy double act."
"What about you Ron?" asked Dora, "Have you any ambitions?".
" 'Ere, I'd love to be in comedy as well" he replied, "But as an actor, like in a sit-com." "Yeah, you're good at sitting" answered Steve.
Ron sat back in his chair. "Yeah, a sit-com" he said. "See what I mean" said Steve.
"Welcome to Her Majesty's Slade Prison Ron, I'm Mr MacKay, prison warder." It was Ron's first day as a prison officer. He looked very
smart in his uniform and cap.
"You've got to be very careful in hear, it's full of nasty, unpleasant, evil men who'd steal from their own granny" said Mr MacKay.
"And the prisoners are just as bad. Mr Barrowclough here will show you the ropes, I'll leave you in his capable hands."
Mr Barrowclough was an ageing prison officer. "Right Ron, I'll show you round" he said. They went into a cell.
"This is Norman Stanley Fletcher" he continued, "Known as Fletch. He's one of the oldest inmates. And this is young Lennie Godber,
known as Godber."
"Hello, I'm Ron Stryker."
"Stryker" replied Godber, grinning. "With a name like that you ought to be on the inside."
" 'Ere, are you any relation to Arthur Scargill" said Fletch.
"So what made you want to be a prison officer Ron?" asked Godber.
"Well, I wanted to do something to help the community" replied Ron. "Plus I heard that women like men in uniform."
"I think you'd have had more luck if you wore a fireman's outfit and had a big chopper" said Godber.
"Oh I don't know" answered Fletch, "The wife doesn't like fireman's outfits, but she's quite partial to a big..." "Chop for her Sunday
lunch with new potatoes" interrupted Mr Barrowclough.
"Now, sit down Ron" said Fletch, patting him on the shoulder. He took a cigarette out of a packet, offering one to Godber.
"I don't think you should be smoking your cigarettes in a prison cell" said Ron to Fletch. "I'm not" replied Fletch, "They're your
cigarettes." Ron felt inside his pocket. " 'Ere, they're mine, and that's my lighter" he exclaimed, as Fletch and Godber lit up.
"The hand is quicker than the eye" said Fletch. "Rule number one, trust no one in here."
"Yes, you've got to have your wits about you in here" said Mr Barrowclough. "When you've been around as long as I have you won't
get caught out like that."
"Oh, and here's your pocket watch Mr Barrowclough" said Fletch. "And your wallet."
"Right, I have to go out for a few minutes to sign some papers" said Mr Barrowclough. "Behave yourselves Fletch and Godber."
He walked out.
"Has he gone?" asked Fletch. "Yes" replied Godber, looking through the small window in the door. "Right Ron," said Fletch, "Got the
chocolate bars?". "Yes" said Ron, emptying a load of chocolate out of his pockets. "And the fags?" "Yep" exclaimed Ron, handing
over packets of cigarettes from his inside pocket. "Brilliant" said Fletch. "And whatever you do, don't let on to any one you're
Godber's cousin. You're going to be a big asset to us in here. Did you remember to bring the senna pods?" "Yes" replied Ron.
"Right" said Fletch, "This is what I want you to do. Today, monday, we always have curry......"
A few minutes later Mr Barrowclough returned. "Right Ron, I'll take you to see the kitchen now, where all the food's prepared and
cooked. What did you think of Fletch and Godber?"
"They're very nice" replied Ron.
"They're sly, crafty criminals" said Mr Barrowclough, "Always devising cunning plans. You can't trust them. But luckily, with my
experience, I can always spot when they're up to something. They can't fool me."
"Right, here's the kitchen. What're you cooking today Heslop?".
"I'm not sure" he said.
"What day is it today?".
"Monday" answered Ron.
"It'll be chicken curry then" answered Heslop. "Let's have a look" said Ron. Heslop took the lid of a huge vat, "Yes I was right"
said, Heslop "It is chicken curry."
"Well couldn't you remember preparing it" said Mr Barrowclough, "That was only an hour ago."
"I'm not a crocodile you know, I can't remember everything" said Heslop.
"You mean an elephant" replied Ron.
"Yes, we see what you mean" said Mr Barrowclough. "Smells nice" enthused Ron.
It was lunchtime. Everyone sat eating the curry. Except Fletch, Godber and Ron. "Not eating Fletch" said Mr MacKay, shovelling it down.
"No, I'm not hungry Mr McKay" replied Fletch, "I've got a bit of an upset tummy. Must have been the caramelised kippers we had
with cream yesterday."
"What about you Godber?"
"I'm going vegetarian" he exclaimed.
"Wish I'd known" said Heslop, "I could have done you a chicken salad instead.
"Is he on the same planet as us?" asked Fletch.
"What about you Ron" said Mr MacKay, "Aren't you having any?". "I don't like curry" he said.
"That's funny" said Mr Barrowclough, "Earlier, when you were looking round the kitchen, you said it smelt good."
"That don't mean anything" replied Fletch, "Lukewarm's got a picture of Brigitte Bardot on his cell wall, yet he's as bent as a .." "Yes, I
get your drift" said Mr Barrowclough. Suddenly Mr McKay held his stomach. "I need to go to...to the toilet" he said. He dashed off.
Mr Barrowclough followed. And then all the prisoners rushed towards the toilets, almost fighting to get to them.
"Well, them senna pods did the trick" said Godber." Yeah" replied Fletch, "A lot of the lads are in for a long stretch."
After lunch everyone was outside, it was exercise time. "That was very funny Fletch" said Grouty, "At dinner time."