PART 2
"What, Steves dad turned up at the farm" said Ron. "Blimey."
"Yeah, he just turned up unexpectedly" replied Slugger. "You should've seen the look on Steves face. 'Ee looked as if 'eed seen
a ghost. It was a bit awkward at first, them meeting like that. But they soon got chatting and got on really well. 'Ees a nice bloke
Ron, just like Steve, and 'ee likes 'orses too working down the mine. You alright Ron, got something in your eye?"
"Nah, it's just the glare from the clouds" said Ron, rubbing his eye with his sleeve.
"I expected everyone to be walking around in white suits" said Ron, "You know, like in Randall and Hopkirk deceased on the
telly. Talking of which, 'ave we got a telly Slugs?"
"'Ave we got a telly" replied Slugger, "'Ave we got a telly. We've got a massive 12" one, and it's a colour telly. You'll think you're in
'eaven Ron."
"Wow!" exclaimed Ron." Brilliant. All those fantastic colours. 'Ere, what's on tonight Slugs."
"The Black and White Minstrel show" answered Slugger.
"Just my luck" sighed Ron. "Then after that there's a documentary about a family of black cats living in a disused mine shaft."
"Oh well that shouldn't be too bad" answered Ron.
"With most of the filming done at night" said Slugger with a straight face. "'Ere, you winding me up" said Ron.
"Funny you should say that" replied Slugger. "That's 'ow they get the cats out in the end."
"Well at least it's better than the last telly I watched" said Ron, "The screen was so small you could only get Ronnie Corbett or
Jimmy Krankie on it."
They arrived at the farm. "Ron" said Dora, looking very angelic like, "It's lovely we're all together again." "Yes, yes it is" said the
Colonel, sighing and biting on an empty pipe. "Don't know why we're not allowed tobacco here."
"I expect it's bad for your 'ealth" said Slugger. "
"So's bungee jumping off the clouds" retorted the Colonel, "But they don't seem to mind that."
"'Ere, I'll 'ave to 'ave a go at that" said Ron excitedly. "Just remember to behave yourself" said Steve.
"Blimey, it's magnificent 'ere" continued Ron. "What's that above the farmhouse?"
"That's my Penthouse Suite" said Steve, "Where I sleep." "'Ere, where do I kip then" said Ron, "Must be something like a Four
Poster bed."
"Er......We've got you a blow up mattress" said the Colonel, finally biting off the end of his pipe and scowling.
"A blow up mattress" exclaimed Ron. "A blow up mattress. And 'ees got a Penthouse Suite."
"Yeah, and you won't need a pump for it" said Steve." You're full of hot air as it is."
Ron went straight for Steve and got him by the throat. "Careful" said the Colonel, "Mind my pipe."
"Stryker!" said a voice. Saint Peter stood at the door. "You've only been here half an hour and caused trouble and upset people.
Heaven is not the place for you."
"What about the Heath Robinson system" pleaded Ron," I got enough points to get in."
"Points don't make prizes here" replied Saint Peter. "Take him away."
"'Ere, 'ang about" said Ron. "I ain't even seen the colour telly yet."
A figure appeared wearing a red gown and hood with horns and a tail. It moved towards Ron. There was no face, just a skull. It's
bony arms reached out and then took hold of Ron. It screamed, a bloodcurdling scream. Ron screamed even louder.
All went dark. Then he was in another place. It was dimly lit and hot as flames danced around him.
"Where the hell am I" he cried out.
"Got it in one" said a demon dressed in a black robe. "You're in Hell now" said the Devil, his red tail swishing.
"Don't suppose this is an April Fool joke is it" answered Ron." I remember last year wearing a horrible face mask and scaring Slugger.
He vowed to get his own back. Mind you, he said I was more scary when I took the mask off."
"It's not April, but you are a fool" cackled the Devil. "I've brought you to my place of perpetual fire, my Underworld. Let me think,
what suffering shall I inflict on you?"
"Don't suppose I get a telly?" replied Ron. "I don't mind if it's only a black and white one."
"A telly" snorted Satan, "A telly. You're in Hell man, dammit. Deemed to live eternally in a nether world of pain, torment and torture.
Hang on a minute........Yes of course, you can spend the rest of your miserable days watching the Open University on BBC2."
"No, no, not that!" screamed Ron, "Anything but that."
"Very well" said the Devil to his Fiendish helpers, "Take him outside, I've the perfect punishment for him."
They took Ron outside. "You can muck out the Stables of Hell" said the Devil.
"No change there then" muttered Ron.
"You shall muck out the Stables of Hell forever." The stables were dark, and full of gut wrenching dung, it stank awful. There was a huge
cast iron wheelbarrow, Ron could hardly lift it. "I'll be glad when I've mucked this lot out" he moaned.
"You'll never finish mucking it out" taunted the Devil. "As much as you take out with your barrow and put in a pile over there, the
Stables of Hell will refill themselves. It will seem never ending. You will not enjoy it. You will curse the day you started it, your eyes
will water and burn with the stench, your nostrils will sting with pain, your stomach will want to throw up."
"A bit like eating Sluggers stew then" said Ron."Well what a rotten job. 'Ere, pass us your pitchfork then you're holding, the sooner
I start the sooner I finish."
"That's not a pitchfork" replied the Devil, "That's my trident. And wern't you listening, I told you you wouldn't ever finish."
"Just joking" said Ron, "It was supposed to be funny. No sense of humour, that's your problem."
"Your pitchforks over there" said Satan
There was a tiny fork, about twelve inches long.
"Oh very funny I'm sure" said Ron.
"Yes, I can be funny" he replied." You see, I do have a sense of humour, you need one working here. Sometimes I do things just
for the hell of it."
To be continued.........