Author Topic: Heavens above.  (Read 1105 times)

Offline pete.r.

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Heavens above.
« on: September 24, 2015, 02:07:50 PM »
                                                              Heavens above
A story in four parts.

A/N This is the sequel to Follyfoot. The final tears.

PART 1

"Where am" said Ron, emerging from a cloud and coughing and spluttering. In front of him were a huge pair of gates. A figure
stood there.
"It's no good" said Ron, "I'll 'ave to give those fags up, they'll be the death of me."
"Name" said Saint Peter.
"Ey" exclaimed Ron.
"I need your name, to check whether you're allowed into Heaven" he replied. "We've a new points system now. Heath Robinson
devised it. It's more complicated than the offside rule in football."
"Or that cube thing where you have to get all the sides the same colour by turning it. That's complicated, I could never do that"
said Ron. "Me neither" came the reply, "It would try the patience of a Saint. As I was saying. Name."
"It's a bit of a silly name" said Ron. "It's, er......It's Erno. Erno Rubik."
"Right, let's have a look" said Saint Peter, looking in a large book. "No, no Erno Rubik. Hang on, he's still alive. Oh very droll. Stop
messing me about. I've got a deadline to meet you know, if you'll excuse the pun."
"Stryker. Ron Stryker."
"Just a minute. You're right, it is a silly name. Yes " he said looking in his book. "You only just made it though. You can come in. And
walk in mind, no kicking the gate open. You're not at Follyfoot now."

Ron walked in. A man was playing a harp. "'Ere, 'oos that?" asked Ron.
"That's the Angel Gabriel" replied St. Peter. "Ay up Gabe" said Ron, "I've got me guitar 'ere, fancy playing a duet? Do you know
Meatloaf's" Bat out of hell."
"Language Ronald" said St Peter. "I would have thought "Knockin' on Heavens door" more appropriate for you. And the Angel
Gabriel is far too busy to be playing rock songs. Right, you're with the Follyfoot lot. Just follow the signs for cloud 28" he said.

"Actually" whispered the Angel Gabriel to Ron," me and Jimi Hendrix, Keith Moon, Marc Bolan and Sid vicious do a tribute act to The
 Rolling Stones. We knock out a pretty good rendition of "Sympathy for the Devil" but don't tell The Boss."
"What, you mean Bruce Springsteen's 'ere" replied Ron.
"No, he's not dead yet" answered The Angel Gabriel. I mean St. Peter."
"'Ang about" exclaimed Ron, "'Ow did sid Vicious make it 'ere. I thought he was an uncouth drug addict who'd been in prison."
"Yes but he underwent drug rehabilitation. Our Lord decided to give him a chance. He now teaches crochet here and in his spare
time carves egg shells and designs tea bag covers" replied The Angel Gabriel.
"Blimey" said Ron," 'ees gone from being apathetic to just pathetic."
"I'll see you later" came the reply.

Ron walked on. Suddenly a voice shouted "Ron, Ron, over 'ere" It was the voice of someone he knew. It was Slugger.
"Slugs" shouted Ron. " 'Ow you doin' you old devil."
"Wash your mouth out" said a passing Cherub.
"Halo mate" said Slugger. "Talking of which I see you're still wearing your old 'at" replied Ron.
"We 'eard you were arriving today" continued Slugger. "Thought I'd come to meet you."
"What's it like 'ere" said Ron. "It's fantastic" Slugger replied. Wait till you see Follyfoot Farm. All the horses are there, including ones
that died years ago like Lancelot. And 'cause we're in 'eaven the grass is lush and beautiful. And we've got the Lightning Tree.
"Brilliant" exclaimed Ron. "Don't suppose our foods improved much though."
"Like I said, "We're in 'eaven, everythings perfect. Everything that I cook in me frying pan comes out edible" replied Slugger.
"Blimey, that makes a change" said Ron.

"I'll take you there now" said Slugger. "There's lots of famous people about. Only this mornin' I was talkin' to Bud Flanagan. Do you
remember 'im Ron?"
"Was 'ee a comedy duo act with Chesny Allen and a member of The Crazy Gang" said Ron.
"That's the one" replied Slugger.
"No I don't remember 'im."
"Hey Ron, you'll never guess who came to the farm yesterday." "'Ere Slugger, 'ow many people do you reckon there are 'ere in 'eaven"
said Ron.
"Cor blimey, loads Ron. About two billion" said Slugger.
"Exactly. You're right, I'll never guess" exclaimed Ron. "I'll give you a clue. It's a man" said Slugger.
"Oh well, why didn't you say so, that narrows the odds down to about one billion to one now" enthused Ron. "Now, let me see, was
it that bloke who always eats his meals outside, Al Fresco."
"No, not 'im Ron."
"'Ow about that chap 'oo works at the cemetery, Phil Graves."
"No, not 'im Ron, but I know 'is brother Doug."
"Ah, I know" said Ron, "It's that bloke 'oo was a mining prospector and invented  the light bulb. What was 'is name? Thomas somebody."
"Crapper?" replied Slugger.
"Nah, 'ees the chap 'oo made the first bog"said Ron. "I 'eard 'ee made it at his earliest convenience.
"Thomas Stonewall Jackson? asked Slugger.
"No, he didn't work down the pit, he was a bricklayer" said Ron. "'Ere, ang about, I'm supposed to be the one doin' the guessin'."
"You could've fooled me" replied Slugger.
"I've got it!" exclaimed Ron. "Thomas Edison." "That's 'im " said Slugger. "That's the bloke."
"What, 'ee came to the farm" said Ron.
"No, 'ee invented the light bulb" said Slugger.
"You ain't ' half hard work" said Ron. "If it wern't for the fact that I was dead I'd feel like givin' up on life. Alright then, 'oo was it?"

"Steves dad" replied Slugger.


To be continued.........
Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Heavens above.
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2015, 02:04:25 PM »
PART 2

"What, Steves dad turned up at the farm" said Ron. "Blimey."
"Yeah, he just turned up unexpectedly" replied Slugger. "You should've seen the look on Steves face. 'Ee looked as if 'eed seen
a ghost. It was a bit awkward at first, them meeting like that. But they soon got chatting and got on really well. 'Ees a nice bloke
Ron, just like Steve, and 'ee likes 'orses too working down the mine. You alright Ron, got something in your eye?"
"Nah, it's just the glare from the clouds" said Ron, rubbing his eye with his sleeve.

"I expected everyone to be walking around in white suits" said Ron, "You know, like in Randall and Hopkirk deceased on the
telly. Talking of which, 'ave we got a telly Slugs?"
"'Ave we got a telly" replied Slugger, "'Ave we got a telly. We've got a massive 12" one, and it's a colour telly. You'll think you're in
'eaven Ron."
"Wow!" exclaimed Ron." Brilliant. All those fantastic colours. 'Ere, what's on tonight Slugs."
"The Black and White Minstrel show" answered Slugger.
"Just my luck" sighed Ron. "Then after that there's a documentary about a family of black cats living in a disused mine shaft."
"Oh well that shouldn't be too bad" answered Ron.
"With most of the filming done at night" said Slugger with a straight face. "'Ere, you winding me up" said Ron.
"Funny you should say that" replied Slugger. "That's 'ow they get the cats out in the end."
"Well at least it's better than the last telly I watched" said Ron, "The screen was so small you could only get Ronnie Corbett or
Jimmy Krankie on it."

They arrived at the farm. "Ron" said Dora, looking very angelic like, "It's lovely we're all together again." "Yes, yes it is" said the
Colonel, sighing and biting on an empty pipe. "Don't know why we're not allowed tobacco here."
"I expect it's bad for your 'ealth" said Slugger. "
"So's bungee jumping off the clouds" retorted the Colonel, "But they don't seem to mind that."
"'Ere, I'll 'ave to 'ave a go at that" said Ron excitedly. "Just remember to behave yourself" said Steve.

"Blimey, it's magnificent 'ere" continued Ron. "What's that above the farmhouse?"
"That's my Penthouse Suite" said Steve, "Where I sleep." "'Ere, where do I kip then" said Ron, "Must be something like a Four
Poster bed."
"Er......We've got you a blow up mattress" said the Colonel, finally biting off the end of his pipe and scowling.
"A blow up mattress" exclaimed Ron. "A blow up mattress. And 'ees got a Penthouse Suite."
"Yeah, and you won't need a pump for it" said Steve." You're full of hot air as it is."
Ron went straight for Steve and got him by the throat. "Careful" said the Colonel, "Mind my pipe."
"Stryker!" said a voice. Saint Peter stood at the door. "You've only been here half an hour and caused trouble and upset people.
Heaven is not the place for you."
"What about the Heath Robinson system" pleaded Ron," I got enough points to get in."
"Points don't make prizes here" replied Saint Peter. "Take him away."
"'Ere, 'ang about" said Ron. "I ain't even seen the colour telly yet."

A figure appeared wearing a red gown and hood with horns and a tail. It moved towards Ron. There was no  face, just a skull. It's
bony arms reached out and then took hold of Ron. It screamed, a bloodcurdling scream. Ron screamed even louder.
All went dark. Then he was in another place. It was dimly lit and hot as flames danced around him.
"Where the hell am I" he cried out.
"Got it in one" said a demon dressed in a black robe. "You're in Hell now" said the Devil, his red tail swishing.
"Don't suppose this is an April Fool joke is it" answered Ron." I remember last year wearing a horrible face mask and scaring Slugger.
He vowed to get his own back. Mind you, he said I was more scary when I took the mask off."
"It's not April, but you are a fool" cackled the Devil. "I've brought you to my place of perpetual fire, my Underworld. Let me think,
what suffering shall I inflict on you?"
"Don't suppose I get a telly?" replied Ron. "I don't mind if it's only a black and white one."
"A telly" snorted Satan, "A telly. You're in Hell man, dammit. Deemed to live eternally in a nether world of pain, torment and torture.
Hang on a minute........Yes of course, you can spend the rest of your miserable days watching the Open University on BBC2."
"No, no, not that!" screamed Ron, "Anything but that."
"Very well" said the Devil to his Fiendish helpers, "Take him outside, I've the perfect punishment for him."

They took Ron outside. "You can muck out the Stables of Hell" said the Devil.
"No change there then" muttered Ron.
"You shall muck out the Stables of Hell forever." The stables were dark, and full of gut wrenching dung, it stank awful. There was a huge
cast iron wheelbarrow, Ron could hardly lift it. "I'll be glad when I've mucked this lot out" he moaned.
"You'll never finish mucking it out" taunted the Devil. "As much as you take out with your barrow and put in a pile over there, the
Stables of Hell will refill themselves. It will seem never ending. You will not enjoy it. You will curse the day you started it, your eyes
will water and burn with the stench, your nostrils will sting with pain, your stomach will want to throw up."
"A bit like eating Sluggers stew then" said Ron."Well what a rotten job. 'Ere, pass us your pitchfork then you're holding, the sooner
I start the sooner I finish."
"That's not a pitchfork" replied the Devil, "That's my trident. And wern't you listening, I told you you wouldn't ever finish."
"Just joking" said Ron, "It was supposed to be funny. No sense of humour, that's your problem."
"Your pitchforks over there" said Satan
There was a tiny fork, about twelve inches long.
"Oh very funny I'm sure" said Ron.
"Yes, I can be funny" he replied." You see, I do have a sense of humour, you need one working here. Sometimes I do things just
for the hell of it."


To be continued.........
Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Heavens above.
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2015, 02:41:42 PM »
PART 3

"Ere, I used to 'ave a toasting fork like that at Follyfoot" said Ron. "What's a toasting fork?" asked the Devil. "You use it to toast
bread or reheat food that's gone cold" replied Ron. "I'll demonstrate." He stuck it in a huge stinking black turd.
"Now, imagine that's a sausage" he said. "Not difficult to do if you've ever seen Sluggers cooked sausages." Then Ron held it over
one of the flames. "We leave it a few minutes" he said, "Until it warms up. Then we eat it."
The fiends all gathered round to get a better look. The poo smoked and glowed red hot, then suddenly it exploded scalding all the
little demons who ran around jumping up and down in agony.
"Wow!" exclaimed Satan, "That was s--t hot Ron. I'm going to use that as one of my methods of torture. You're going to be a big
asset to me."
"Oh thanks awfully" said Ron.
"Here " replied the Devil pulling up a chair, "Sit down and take the weight of your legs, you must be tired after trying to move that
heavy wheelbarrow. Would you like a drink? I've got some nice real ale in called Satans Fury."
Ron sat down. Suddenly someone grabbed him from behind and covered his mouth and nose. Ron couldn't breathe. He found
himself suffocating. Then he passed out.

Ron opened his eyes. He was sitting in some sort of chair, a man and a young woman were peering over him, taking off their face masks.
"Where am I?" asked Ron, looking round.
"You're at the dentists" replied the man, "Don't you remember?"
"No" said Ron.
"Probably the nitrous oxide gas we gave you to put you to sleep. It can send you into delerium and make you dream as well."
"What, you mean I'm alive" said Ron. "Oh yes," exclaimed the dentist," We don't lose many patients."
"And you're not the Devil" said Ron. "Oh I don't know about that, some patients I've inflicted pain on might disagree" said the dentist.

"How did I get here?" asked Ron.
"You were driving an ice cream van, remember?. Apparently you'd eaten six ice cream cornets and four frozen Jubbly's. You broke a
front tooth and were brought in as an emergency. We've filled it."
"So Follyfoots safe" sighed Ron. "Everyone's safe. There was no Haleys Comet."
"Did someone mention my name" said the young girl. "I'm Haley Kormate, I put the mask over your face and gave you the gas. I said
"My name's Haley Kormate, please count to ten. After you reached to five you fell asleep so we knew we'd given you enough sedation.
You were out quite a while, it was a big operation. You were talking in your sleep, kept on about the end of the world, meteorites
and Heaven and Hell."
"Your friend Steve's outside waiting to take you home" said the dentist. "Here's my bill, you can pay it anytime in the next few days.
Ee by gum, we've done a good job on you there."

A groggy Ron left the room.
"Hi" said Steve, "Are you alright?. How's the tooth Ron?"
"O.k." drawled Ron. "'Ere, am I glad to see you mate. You don't know how much." Steve turned round. "You talking to me" he said.
"He's still a bit dopey" said the nurse.
"No change there then" replied Steve.

They arrived back at Follyfoot. Everyone was there to meet them, including Callie. Ron looked around. He couldn't believe it. The farm,
the horses, his friends and the Lightning tree.
"Everythink o.k. now?" asked the Colonel. "He's alright" said Steve, "They had to give him laughing gas."
"Blimey," said Slugger looking at Rons gaunt face, "You could've fooled me."
"Yeah well, I've been to hell and back ain't I" said Ron. "To that bleak, dismal, depressing place full of pain suffering and torment. I've
felt his bony hands on me, seen those dark sunken eyes that stare at you, boring into your mind. Felt his hot breath on me. Heard
his laugh, a demonic cackle."
"Yes I know" answered Callie, "I don't like going to the dentists either. And he's really odd that Phil McCavity."
"Just a minute" said Steve........"Your telling us the dentists name is Phil McCavity."
"Yes" replied Callie.
"Pull the other one" said Slugger.
"That's what my friend Jenny said when she went to see him" answered Callie. "What do you mean?" said the Colonel.
"He extracted the wrong tooth. Pull the other one she said."
Dora smiled. Slugger looked perplexed
"And mummy says he's very expensive. When he first opened up he advertised as being more for the upscale market. Although he
did win an award last year. I think it was a little plaque.

"Good grief" said the Colonel, looking at the dentists bill, "You're mums right Callie. What did he fill it with. Plutonium?. Here we all
are, flogging ourselves to death doing part time jobs to help save Follyfoot, and your jobs cost us a fortune what with all the ice cream you ate and this bill. I give in, I really do."
"Are you hungry Ron" asked Dora. "Do you want Slugger to cook you something?"
"The dentist said I couldn't eat anything hard for a few days" replied Ron.
"Oh well that rules out anything Slugger cooks" replied Steve. "You'd have to wait a few years more like."
"'Ere, what you want is something soft Ron" said Steve. How about some ice cream?"




To be continued.........

Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Heavens above.
« Reply #3 on: September 27, 2015, 02:20:09 PM »
PART 4

"How on earth am I going to be able to pay this tax bill" said the Colonel.
"The bill" exclaimed Ron. "The tax bill." His brain went into overdrive. "Ring them up Colonel" said Ron, "I think they may have
worked it out wrong." "Do you think so?" replied the Colonel.
"It's worth a try" said Dora. "People do make mistakes sometimes."
"There's a number on the bill" said the Colonel, "I'll phone them now. Oh, your father's on his way to pick you up and take you home Ron."
He left the room. "Dad" said Ron, "Dad. I need to tell him how much I love him."
All went quiet.
"They did say the gas could make him doolally for a bit" said Steve.
"Doolally" exclaimed Slugger," Doolally. 'Ees been doolally all his life." Ron walked outside. He went over to the Lightning tree and
poured a bucket of water over it's roots. He turned round. Mr Stryker was standing there. "Dad" he said, "Dad".
"I don't know Ron" answered Mr Stryker, "Everything you do you mess up. You're just useless, you're a hopeless case."

Suddenly there was a huge cheer from the farmhouse, everyone came running out..
"Ron" said the Colonel, "You were right. I've just rang the Inland Revenue up, they made a mistake. Ron, you're a life saver, a hero."
"That's just what I was telling him" said Mr Stryker. "You've saved the farm" said the Colonel. "And my integrity. Apparently they've
just issued everyone at the tax office with these new fangled electronic calculators for working out tax bills. The chap who worked
out mine got the decimal point in the wrong place. I only owe £45.50, not £455,000.00. Follyfoots safe. Whatever made you think
they'd made a mistake Ron?"
"Just a hunch" he replied.

"'Ere, let's 'ope Robdog Rob the bookie gets one of those fings for working out me winnings on the 'orses" said Slugger.
"You'd still end up at a loss with your track record" answered Steve. "'Scuse the pun."
"Yeah" said Ron, that 'orse you backed last week was so slow the jockey kept a diary of the trip, including sketches."

"I don't know how to repay you Ron" said the Colonel. "If there's anything you ever need, just let me know."
"Actually, there is" exclaimed Ron. "I'd like a new guitar." "No problem" said the Colonel, "We'll go to Tockwith tomorrow and you can
choose one."
"I'd like one of those new modern ones" said Ron. "So I can play "Friend of the Devil" on it."
"Who on earth sung that?" asked Dora.
"The Grateful Dead" replied Ron, smiling wryly.
"The Grateful Dead" said the Colonel. "Good Lord, what a name. People should be grateful they're alive, not dead."

"Yeah" said Slugger, "'Ere, there's plenty of people in the cemetery six foot under 'ood be glad of a drop of me stew."
"There's plenty of people six foot under just 'cause they ate your stew" replied Ron.
"My food's not that bad" said Slugger, "Only this morning Steve said it was improvin'. Everyone looked aghast at Steve.
"I didn't actually say that" answered Steve. "I said your cooking had gone from bad to abysmal Slugs."
"Yeah, that's right" said Slugger. "'Ere, I'm doin' deviled kidneys for supper tonight" he said.
Steve and Dora looked horrified.
"Oh deviled kidneys" exclaimed Ron. "My favourite. I want loads and loads and loads. But........Oh, unhappy days, I've got me fillin',
I can't eat any. Still, more for everyone else" he said, grinning.

"All this morbid talk" said the Colonel." Follyfoot's safe. We should be celebrating. How about opening that bottle of Champagne we
saved for a special occasion."
"I'll fetch it" replied Steve. "It's in the kitchen."
"Right" said the Colonel, "We'll go outside and open it under the Lightning tree. Ron, as you saved Follyfoot you can open it."
They went outside. "Watch this" said Ron shaking the bottle, "Watch this cork go." He took the wire off the cork. It shot out of the
bottle at the speed of light into the air and hit one of the Lightning trees branches and rebounded down at the same speed hitting
Ron in the mouth and knocking his filling out.
"Oh gawd" said Ron. "Me fillin' ".
"Never mind" said Steve laughing, "It's not all bad news. You can eat those deviled kidneys now Ron. Loads and loads and loads."
" 'Ere, if it's a choice between Slugger's kidneys and a trip to the dentist to see Phil the drill I've only got one option" said Ron.
"I'll get the Land Rover keys" answered Steve.

"Uncle" said Dora.
"Yes Dora" he replied. "Something wrong" he said. "I know that tone of voice."
"Uncle, I did something really stupid this morning."
"Oh I don't think you'd ever do anything really stupid Dora. What did you do?"
"I asked Lord Beck to marry me."
"What!" Bellowed the Colonel. "Dora, that's really stupid. Whatever did you do that for. Slugger, get me one of my tablets."
"Well, just before Ron set off in his ice cream van and broke his tooth, I went for a ride on Copper, remember?"
"Yes, Steve asked to go with you but you said you wanted to be on your own, to think about Follyfoot" replied the Colonel.
"Yes, that's right" said Dora. "I had a plan to save Follyfoot. I rode over to Beck Hall. Lord Beck was drinking tea and eating muffins.
I asked him to marry me. But on the condition that he paid off all of your debts."
"You asked someone to marry you who you don't love" exclaimed Steve.
"Yes" replied Dora. "Because I love Follyfoot and Uncle and all of you. I wanted to save Follyfoot."
"You were prepared to sacrifice yourself" said Steve.
"Yes" answered Dora.
"Heavens above" muttered the Colonel.

"What did Lord Beck say?" asked Steve. "I think I surprised him" said Dora. "He screamed. That was just after he spilled his tea down
the front of his trousers and dropped his muffins on the floor. I don't know which hurt him the most."
"Oh I fink I do" said Slugger, grimacing.
"And then I got something Lord Beck doesn't normally get in the show ring. A refusal. Uncle, what am I going to do?"
"Follyfoot's safe" he replied. "Do what you do best Dora. Look after Follyfoot, and the horses, and us."

Steve walked over, a large grin on his face. "I knew you'd think it funny" she said.
"No, it's not that" replied Steve. "I was just trying to imagine lots of little Lord Becks all running round the farm sporting moustaches
ans shouting "Oh I say, what jolly good fun we're having, absolutely spiffing, what."
Dora smiled.
"That's my girl" said Steve. "And........and I'm glad you're not marrying Lord Beck."
"Are you? said Dora.
"Yes" replied Steve. "It wouldn't exactly have been a match made in Heaven would it? And besides, in a world full of hurt and
suffering, you're always there. Like a beacon shining in the dark. Your hands reach out to help the weak and dispirited. Your voice is
soft and gentle when all around you is raging. You're what Follyfoot's all about Dora.
And without you, it would be the end of the world."


                                                                                            THE END


Cut out the strong to help the weak