Follyfoot. The final tears.
A story in three parts.
PART I
"Oh dear" said the Colonel, "I don't know what we're going to do." "What's the matter Uncle" she replied. "I've had this tax
demand from the Inland Revenue. I'm afraid I'm bankrupt Dora." "What about Follyfoot?" "Yes Follyfoot. I'm afraid I've no funds
to run it. We'll have to close" replied the Colonel. "There must be a way" answered Dora. "What if we all got part time jobs,
would that help?" "Well, we could give it a try I suppose" he replied. "I've got todays local newspaper, all the situations vacant
are in this issue. There's loads of jobs."
Everyone looked at the part time jobs pages.
"'Ere" said Ron, I quite fancy this one- "Part time ice cream driver wanted, two days a week, driving for Mr Lolly. You can earn
lots of lolly" it says. "Just the job for me, I love ice cream."
"And I fancy this one" said Slugger- "Artists require person two half days a week to hepl out in the studio. I love painting."
"Here's a job for me" said Steve, "A pizza place's just opened up in Tockwith, they want someone part time one or two days a
week. That'll be a change from burnt sausages and stew."
"And I fancy this job helping out in a sweet shop" said Dora. "I love chocolate."
"And I'll help out too" said the Colonel. "The local library want someone a few hours a week. I could read all the horsey books
in there. Right, we'll put all the wages we earn in this tin. Let's see how we get on."
Two weeks later
The Colonel opened the tin. "Blimey" said Slugger, "There's only £2.50 in it. Better phone the police and tell Bert there's been a
robbery." "Nah, don't fink there's been a robbery" said Ron.
"Right" said the Colonel, "So tell me, how did you all get on?"
"I only lasted a day in the sweet shop" answered Dora. "It was fine until dinner time when all the schoolchildren rushed in. Then
it was pandemonium, pushing and shoving, there were hundreds and thousands of sweets all over the floor."
"Oh I think you're exaggerating a bit there Dora" said the Colonel."There couldn't possibly have been that many."
"No, Hundreds and Thousands is the name of a sweet" exclaimed Dora. "And then one little boy got a sweet jar stuck on his head."
"Good Lord" replied the Colonel, "Did you phone the fire brigade?"
"No" she replied, there was some W.D.40 in a drawer the owner had used to lubricate the door hinges, so I sprayed his forehead
with that. It worked, the jar came off, his head was a mass of sticky jelly beans and oil. I cleaned him up best I could and told him
to tell his mum it was brylcream on his head."
"Did she believe him?" asked Steve.
"Hardly," replied Dora. "She walked through the door just as I was untangling a sort of rainbow coloured mush from his hair. She
clipped him round the ear and then slipped on the messy floor. She spun round and sort of pirouetted on one foot, and, arms
flailing, demolished two jars of fizz bombs, a jar of flying saucers and three jars of gobstoppers. And a jar of sherbet tipped all
over the little boys head and stuck to his greasy hair. All the other children were dibbing their fingers in it. The manager who was
out the back heard the commotion and came rushing into the shop. Unfortunately he didn't see the floor was covered in
gobstoppers. He skated across the room, then whizzed past us screaming before crashing into the display stand near the
entrance to the store. He lay there, covered in jelly bones, gummy gold bears, juicy lips, pear drops and sugar candy.
What a mess. So that job was short and sweet."
"I didn't fare much better" said Steve." That job at the Pizza place was walking round with a sandwich board."
"'Ere, I didn't know Pizza shops sold sandwiches" said Slugger.
"It's a board you hang round your neck" said Ron, "An advertising board, you dimwit."
"Anyhow" continued Steve, "I was walking down the street. I didn't see the council workmen had got a manhole cover up, I fell
down it, the sandwich board covered the hole. I was stuck 10ft down, people were walking over it. No one could hear me. One
old lady peered down at me between the board and the pavement."
"What did she say?" asked Dora.
"Typical workman. Skiving again. No wonder our rates are so high"
"How did you get out" said Dora.
"The workmen came back two hours later after their tea break" he said. "Blimey" said Ron, "They couldn't have been very thirsty then."
"Then when they did come back one of them looked down at me and said "Crikey mate, it's deep and black at the bottom."
"Yes" said a woman onlooker, " A bit like the pizza I've just eaten."
"So that was the end of that job then. What about you Slugs, how did you get on at the Artists Studio" said Steve.
"Terrible" he replied. "I had to pose in front of the other artists. Some of them were ladies."
"What's wrong with that?" asked the Colonel.
"I had to pose naked" replied Slugger.
"Flippin 'eck" said Ron.
"Yeah well, I kept me 'at on said Slugger." You wore your hat" exclaimed Steve. "Yers well, it was embarrasin'. There they were
with their thumbs and pencils sizing me up. Three of 'em had to put their glasses on. Trouble was me 'at kept fallin off, everyone
was laughing." "How could it keep falling off your head" asked Dora. "Oh it wern't on me 'ead" he replied.
"Good grief" said the Colonel.
"Well it was freezin' cold in there" said Slugger. "It went a funny colour and all shrivelled. I used me 'at to cover it up and keep it warm.
Mrs Carrie Oakey said if I gave her the measurements she'd knit me a cover for it."
"'Ere, ain't she the woman who goes round all the pubs singin" said Ron.
"Anyhow, it's better now" said Slugger. He took his sock off and put his foot on the table.
"There" he said, "Look, me big toes alright now.
I didn't do more than the one session."
"I loved my job" said Ron,"'Cept after the first day the gaffer said I'd eaten more ice-cream than I'd sold. And on the second day
I bumped into an old friend, Fred, who runs his own ice cream van called "Giuseppe's Genuine Italian Ice Cream."
We had a race through Tockwith town centre, 50m.p.h. Jingles going like mad, it was brilliant."
"'Ow can anyone do 50m.p.h. through Tockwith town centre" said Slugger.
"Only us and the police car that overtook us" replied Ron. "I tried to bribe 'im with a free Lolly Gobble Chock Bomb but it didn't work.
We both got a speeding fine and I got the sack."
"I didn't do much better though at the library" said the Colonel. "I bought a pair of new shoes for the occasion. Unfortunately
they squeaked. Everywhere I walked in the library it was squeak squeak squeak. Everyone kept pointing to the "Quiet Please"
sign. I could have done with your W.D.40 Dora. In the end I went outside for a smoke of my pipe. I came back in, I'd left the book
I was reading open on the table. I knocked my ash out of the pipe onto the book so I could tip it in the bin. However, the ash
was still hot. The book smoked, charred and then burst into flames. Luckily the chap sitting at the end of the table was reading a
book entitled "Safety in the workplace" and knew what to do. He grabbed the nearest fire estinguisher and fired it at the book.
What a mess, soggy foam everywhere and burnt paper and then, just as he was doing that, the fire alarm went off and the
sprinklers came on. We were all soaked. A bit of good news though, the foam stopped my shoes from squeaking. Three fire
engines arrived. A pity really because it was a good book I was reading."
"What was the name of the book?" said Dora.
"Blazing Saddles" replied the Colonel.
"So" said Steve, looking at the tin, "After all the deductions were taken out of our wages, that's all we've got."
"I'm afraid it's the end of Follyfoot" said the Colonel.
To be continued.........
