Wedding bells at Follyfoot

[pete.r.]

                        Wedding Bells at Follyfoot

                                          [ Guests cannot view attachments ]

A Story in four parts

PART 1

"Well, it's only a few days to the wedding" said Hazel to Callie. "I'm so excited and the receptions to be
held here at Follyfoot afterwards."
"Yes" replied Dora, "And your bridesmaids outfits have arrived, better try them on, make sure they fit properly."
"Do you think Steve will like them?" asked Callie.
"We'll be out in the yard" said Dora, "You can come out and show Steve for yourself."

A few minutes later and Steve and Dora were standing by the lightning tree. Dora held her hands on it as if
making a wish.
"What do you think Steve?" said Callie, as she and Hazel stepped outside.
"You look fabulous" replied Steve.
"Bet he wishes he was marrying me" whispered Callie to Hazel. Suddenly there was a roar of a motorbike engine.
"Look out!" shouted Steve. But it was too late. Rons bike surged through the gate, ploughing all the mud and
muck up, and past Callie and Hazel.
SPLATTTT!!
They were covered from head to foot in horse dung.

"Mornin' your Ladyship" said Ron.
"Ron" said Dora angrily.
"Not late am I ?" Replied Ron. "Mornin' Steve."
"Ron, just look at Hazel and Callie" replied Dora, raising her voice.
"Oh dearie dearie me," said Ron "Been throwing mud around have we. Good job you didn't have your best
clothes on."

Ron went into the house. "Mornin' Slugger. 'Ere, whats all these magazines strewn over the floor. 'Ey, all the
jewellery adverts 'ave been circled in ink."
"Didn't notice" said Slugger, I thought you'd left 'em Ron for me to make up the fire."
"Nah Slugs me old mate, 'ere you know what this is."
"What?" said Slugger.
"The bride" replied Ron, lowering his voice, "She's letting us know what she wants us to buy as a wedding
present."
"Blimey" said Slugger, carefully examining the adverts, "They look a bit expensive."
"Only one thing to do then" answered Ron.
"What's that then", said Slugger.
"We'll take the hint" replied Ron, "And buy her a magazine rack!"

Later that day the Colonel was in his office with Slugger. Ron walked by whistling "Here comes the bride".
"Not nervous are you Colonel?" said Slugger.
"Well, it's not everyday a man gets married" answered the Colonel. "And why's Ron in such a good mood?"
"As Slugger might say" replied Ron, "Weddings is good weddings is. You get a bit of time off work."
"Don't think anybody'll notice" said Steve as he walked past.
"Everything all right Steve?" said the Colonel.
"Yes" said Steve. "What about you?"
"Oh I'll survive the day I expect" he replied." Getting a bit old really for this sort of thing."
"Nonsense" said Callie, walking in. "You're not passed it yet."
"Not passed it yet she says" said Slugger, "Not passed it yet. Blimey, he 'ain't just passed it. He's lapped it 3
times."

"What do you mean Slugger?" said the Colonel.
"I think the phrase "Round the block" comes to mind" said Ron.
"Round the block. What block? said the Colonel. "For Heavens sake, has everyone gone mad."
"Just wedding day nerves" said Steve, "Except for Ron" he said grinning. "He's just naturally stupid, he doesn't
need an excuse."

"Yes well, replied the Colonel, "I'll just be glad when it's Saturday afternoon and the wedding's over and I can
relax."

"Well just remember those three important parts of a wedding" said Ron, grinning.
"What's that?" answered Steve and the Colonel together.
"The three parts the groom should beware of" said Ron.
"AISLE
ALTAR
HYMN"

To be continued.........





     
                                       
                                     

[pete.r.]

PART 2

Suddenly the doorbell rang.
"Get that can you Slugger" shouted the Colonel. "Who is it?"
"It's Lady Carne" replied Slugger.
"Well for goodness sake don't leave her standing at the door Slugger, wheel her in."
"I'm not incapacitated yet Geoffrey" she said, entering his study.
"Oh good Lord no, it's just a figure of speech Martha" he replied. "Right, you can leave us now Slugger, we've got a lot to discuss. Oh, and if you could bring some tea in that would be nice."

Slugger shook his head as he walked out of the room.
"Slugger do this Slugger do that, Slugger answer the door, wheel 'er in, make the tea. Blimey, before 'e gets
married 'e'll 'ave to divorce me first"
"Everything all right Slugs" said Steve. "You're doing a lot of chuntering."
"Yers, the Colonels in his office with Lady Carne" said Slugger, "They've got a lot to sort out. I'm making
a pot of tea."
"Oh so it's tea and crumpet then for the Colonel" said Ron grinning.
"What's she like?" said Hazel. "Lady Carne, you'll get on with her fine" said Dora.
"Yeah, she's just the Colonel's cup of tea" chirped in Steve.
Ron leaned over Hazel and whispered "That means she's nice and sweet and hot stuff too. Just like me."

"Ah Dora" shouted the Colonel, "Could you just come into the office for a minute."
"What is it Uncle?" she said.
"I've just had Lord Beck on the phone. He's going on holiday for a few weeks, wants to know if you could
go over to Beck House a couple of times a week to exercise his horse, Champion of Beck."
"I thought he had staff who could do that" replied Dora.
"Yes, but, in his own words, he says you're a jolly good rider what, and his horse needs someone as good
as he is to make sure he's kept in top form. And he's paying us quite a nice amount too."
"Alright" said Dora, "I'll go and see him this morning."

Dora arrived at Beck House.
"Hello there" said Lord Beck, puffing on a cigarette, "Jolly good of you to come, what."
"You wanted to see me " said Dora.
"Yes, quite", said Lord Beck. He looked thoughtfully at Dora.
"This wedding thing. It's not going to work you know. People with breeding, they need to marry their own
sort. Not common people. Chalk and cheese and all that."
"People don't marry just because they're the same class" replied Dora."They marry because they love
each other. They want to be with each other. Look after one another. Anyway, I thought you wanted to
see me about looking after your horse whilst you're away."
"What?" he replied, looking puzzled. "Oh yes, that," he said. "Yes, ma'ma and I, we're going on holiday
to Italy for a month. We've got some relatives who live over there apparently. Frightful bore. Yes if
you could come over, say twice a week and give him a good workout what. Jolly fine animal. Needs a
good rider."

He put his hands in his inside jacket pocket and pulled out a cheque.
"This should more than suffice" he said. "Thank you" replied Dora, without looking at it.
"When I meet someone I hope they like muffins" he said, puffing on his cigarette which had a trail of
ash hanging on the end of it.
"Muffins?" said Dora.
"Yes, highlight of the day, muffins. Couldn't marry anyone who didn't like them" he answered.
Dora looked down at the floor.
"Actually", he continued, "Ma'ma was hoping I'd marry someone well educated, someone who works
with horses. Makes jolly good sense. Someone like yourself."

There was a long silence.

"I Don't like muffins" replied Dora.

She walked towards the door. Then turned around and looked at Lord Beck. There was a tear in his eye.
He stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray. Dora opened the door, then hesitated. There was a tear in her
eye also, but Lord Beck couldn't see it. She stood there deep in thought for a moment, then opened the
door and walked out of the room and hurriedly returned to Follyfoot.

Meanwhile back at the farm the Colonel was supervising Ron and Slugger who were decorating Follyfoot
ready for the wedding. They were stood by the donkey's enclosure.
"Right" said the Colonel, "Slugger, stick that bunch of balloons on that silly ass over there would you."
"Righto Colonel" said Slugger, as he took the balloons and stuck them on Ron's back.
"Whats next Colonel, Sir," said Slugger.
The Colonel just stood there open mouthed.

"'Ere" said Ron back in the farmhouse, "Look what I've got Slugs. A whoopee cushion."
"What's one of them" replied Slugger. Ron put it on the chair. "Just sit on it" said Ron.
There was a loud PPHRORRR!
"'Ere" said Slugger, "That's brilliant Ron, really realistic."
"Yeah, well" said Ron, "It's a few 'undred decibells short for being realistic for you Slugger, but it'll be
fine for our prim and proper bride" he said, placing it on the brides seat.
"Yeah" said Slugger, "That should come up trumps."


To be continued........

[pete.r.]

PART 3

Ron and Slugger were in the barn mucking out. Well, Slugger was, Ron was sat on a bale of hay with a
piece of paper and a pen.
"You gonna do any work today or what?" asked Slugger.
"I am working" replied Ron. "I'm working on my best man's speech, the wedding's tomorrow."
"What!" Exclaimed Slugger. "You're the best man?"
"Yeah" said Ron. "Just finished it." "Can I hear it then?" said Slugger.
"Nah, private this is" replied Ron.
"Oh go on" said Slugger, "I'll tell you what I fink of it."
"Alright then" said Ron, "But it's strictly secret, right."
Slugger nodded.

"Right" Ron began, "We are gathered here today...."  "Hang on" interrupted Slugger, "The vicars supposed
to say that Ron."
"Let me finish" he replied, "We are gathered here today to celebrate a very special occasion. Today no one
at Follyfoot has to eat Sluggers 'orrible stew."
"'Ere" said Slugger, "That's not nice Ron."
"Also, the bride and groom would like to thank Yorkshire Concrete Mix Ltd. for supplying the wedding
cake. The bride and groom tried cutting it with a knife but had to use a hammer and chisel instead. A
piece flew off and hit the groom in the face. Apparently it was the first time he'd had a tier in his eyes today."

"They'd also like to thank everyone for the presents. They particularly like the tea maker, but havn't found
anywhere to keep Mrs Porter as yet."

"The bride and groom would also like to make a special mention to Tockwith General Hardware store
where they bought the ring from. The vicar remarked it was the first time he could remember putting a
ring on the bride with a shower curtain still attached to it."

"And also I'd like to thank the bridesmaids in their rather unusually patterned dresses of pink with a hint of
beige, and dark polka dots. Unfortunately we couldn't get all the muck stains out when we washed them
in the trough yesterday. Oh and the polka dots on them were soot marks from Sluggers open fire.
Only way we could get 'em dry in time."

"And we mustn't forget to thank Mr Clegg the builder for lending us his truck to take the bride and groom
to church. Pity he had to deliver all that wood to Mrs Potts house on the way, the bride and groom
had to sit on top of it, but still, the vicar didn't seem to mind the ceremony starting late, although when
the bride sat down to the reception afterwards she'd got splinters in her rear end and they didn't half
come keen. Blimey, they'd only been married twenty minutes and the groom had got her dress off
in the back room. Must be some sort of a record that. Still, he managed to remove the splinters, must
have been two because we could hear him shouting "I've got it out, I've got it out." Funny how it took
half an hour though. And the bride didn't half look red faced when they returned. Must have been very
painful, because I distinctly heard her say as they left the room "For such a little prick that really hurt."
And the groom poor devil was walking funny, I think he must've got a splinter somewhere as well."

"And thanks also to the photographer. We got him cheap as it was his first day in his new job.
Unfortunately the first dozen shots taken outside the church were all of his face as he'd got the camera
the wrong way round. And then he couldn't see to focus properly, the flashes sent his eyes funny.
Should be an interesting photo album."

"Oh, and the vicar thanks you all for not throwing confetti outside the church as he requested, but was a
little surprised you threw it inside the church instead. Apparently it's blocked the font up. There's a
Christening next week. He's hoping the baby's head doesn't end up looking like a paper mache afterwards."

"'Ere" said Slugger, "Let me see that piece of paper." He snatched it from Ron. On it was written "Got
you there Slugs didn't I".
"Thought so" said Slugger, "You've just made it all up. You're not the best man at all, are you Ron?"
"'Cause not", he replied. "Blimey, there's more chance of banana's growing on the Lightning tree than
me being best man at this wedding Slugs."

                                                  24 Hours later

After the wedding ceremony they all returned to Follyfoot for the reception.
"Phew mate" said Steve, "Glad that's over."
"Glad it wasn't me getting married" said Ron, "Although I don't know, she's very pretty."
"Right" said the Master of Ceremonies," Your attention please. Your glasses are all charged, if you'd please
sit down, I'd like to propose a toast to the lovely young bride."

All was quiet as they sat down. The bride sat on her whoopee cushion. PPHHRRR!!
"'Ere, whispered Ron, "Did you see her face, it was a picture."
"Yeah" said Slugger, "And so were the other guests, especially when she said "'Scuse me."

"And now the toast," said the Master of Ceremonies."

"To Dora."

"To Dora," they all replied, swilling down the champagne.

"To Dora" shouted Lord Beck at the top of his voice.

He quaffed down his champagne, then yelled "AARRGHH," Then violently threw his glass on the floor,
smashing it to smitherines.


To be continued..........

 

[pete.r.]

PART 4

Lord Beck was alone at Beck House. He'd been drinking champagne all afternoon. He slumped back in
his chair and fell into a drunken sleep, his shattered glass lay on the floor all around him.

Meanwhile back at Follyfoot the guests were all enjoying themselves. Dora looked at Steve and smiled.
Steve looked at Dora and returned the smile.
"Right" said the Master of Ceremonies, "Your attention please, I'd just like to say a few words. Firstly,
I'd like to thank you all for coming here today."
"That was no problem" shouted Slugger, "We live 'ere anyway."
"And secondly, to thank the lovely bridesmaids, Hazel and Callie.

Hazel opened her mouth to speak.
"Thank you so much" said Callie, "It's been a pleasure. I must say, it's the first time I've ever been
invited to a wedding, I can't think why. I caught the bouquet as well, that's good luck isn't it?  Means I'm
going to get married next doesn't it? Wonder who It'll be. I bet he'll be handsome. And rich. And......"
"Oh gawd, she's off on one" said Slugger.

                                                         Ten minutes later


"And the church was really lovely, Lovely stained glass windows. I think I'd like to get married in a church like that. I liked the flower arrangements too. I've started learning at school how do do them. It's very tricky.
So thank you all everyone, I've really enjoyed myself. And now a word from Hazel. Hazel.....Wake up Hazel.
She's fast asleep. Must be all the excitement. Too much for her."

"Right" said the M.C. Yawning, "And in conclusion I'd like to thank Slugger for making the wedding cake."
"Eh" they all cried in unison rising from their seats.
"Sorry", said the M.C. looking at his slip of paper, "That should be thanks to Slugger for making the
arrangements with the caterers to order the wedding cake."
The guests all sighed with relief and sat down.

"Right", continued the M.C. "And now a toast to the bride and groom- To Mr and Mrs Maddox."
"To Mr and Mrs Maddox" they all replied.

The gorgeous Dora Maddox was a blue eyed blonde in her early twenties.
She'd known her husband for about six months. So now there were two Dora Maddox's, coincidentally, in the
family.
"'Ere" said Slugger, "If they start a family and have a girl and call it Dora, we won't know where the
bloomin' 'ell we all are. Don't know 'ow 'ees gonna get on, she must be 35 years younger than he is."
"Yeah" replied Ron, "Good job he 'aint got a pacemaker."
"'Eel probably need one in a couple of weeks" said Slugger.

"And now" Said the M.C," A few words from the best man, the grooms brother."
"Well" he said, "I'd just like to wish them both a long and happy life."
"One of them's already had that" shouted Ron.
"And to wish them both all the best for the future" he continued.
"Get a move on" yelled Ron, "It's past 'is bedtime."
"Yeah" hollered Slugger, "'Ere, your ten boxes of vitamin pills arrived today, they're in the top of your
wardrobe, if you've got the energy to get them down."

"Order, Order,!!  bellowed the M.C.
"I'll 'ave the soup followed by the smoked salmon" Shouted Slugger.
"Yeah, I'll 'ave the same" whooped Ron. "And none of them burnt bits of toast floating in me soup, we get
enough burnt toast 'ere as it is."
"Yeah" said Slugger, we get.......Ere, what do you mean, we get enough burnt toast 'ere as it is.
What's wrong wif me toast."
"Well" answered Steve, "That pile you made this morning had two things in common with the sausages.
It was black. And hard. Rock hard."
"'Ere, are you knockin' me sausages now" replied Slugger.
"Wouldn't want to do that" smiled Steve, "I'd end up with broken fingers."
"Blimey, now 'ees sayin' me sausages are too overdone" said Slugger.
"Too overdone" said Steve, "Well, lets just say a sledgehammer would come in handy at breakfast time."
"Nah, we tried a sledgehammer once" said Ron, "Went straight through the plate, through a metal tray,
straight through the table, chopping it in half, and left a massive great hole in the floor.
But the sausages remained intact."

"That's enough" Roared the Colonel, silencing the guffaws echoing around the room, "This is supposed to
be a wedding reception, not a slanging match."
"Right," continued the best man, "I'd like to finish by saying I never thought a year ago I'd be standing up
making a wedding speech about my brother. Who'd have thought that Pru would have died so suddenly
and that Arthur would fall in love and marry his secretary, ironically also named Dora" said the Colonel.

"Please raise your glasses and lets toast good luck to Arthur and Dora."
And as the guests toasted them, the Colonel glanced across to Dora, Arthurs bride, who was smiling at
Steve again across the room.

"Heaven only knows" said the Colonel under his breath, "I think he's going to need it."

                                                                 THE END