Oh we're off to sunny Spain

[pete.r.]

A Story in four parts

PART 1

"Right" said the Colonel, "Now you four go and have a lovely weeks holiday in Spain, and Dora, don't
worry about Follyfoot. I'll be there to supervise, Callie and Hazel will be there, plus the hired hands
I've arranged will be helping out."
"Alright Uncle" said Dora, "I'll try not to worry."
"That's the spirit Dora" replied the Colonel "You'll....Good grief, why's Slugger wearing those dark
sunglasses? We're still outside LeedsBradford Airport Departure lounge."
"I need 'em on to look at Ron" said Slugger.
Ron was wearing a bright yellow T-shirt and shiny green shorts.
"Yes, quite, see what you mean" answered the Colonel."Right, lets get these cases out of the Land Rover."

"How come" exclaimed Ron, "We've all got one suitcase and Sluggers got five."
"Yers, well, I've come prepared" replied Slugger. "That case has all me coats in, that one has all me
pullovers in...."Hang on," said Steve, "We're going to the Costa Del Sol Slugger."
"Yers well, you never know, I feel the cold at my age. Must be prepared. Good forward thinking that"
said Slugger.
"Feel the cold" said Ron, "What's in that suitcase then. Electric blanket, oil filled radiator, sun lamp
perhaps?
"Don't be silly" said Slugger, "That case 'as me frying pans and saucepans in."
"Frying pans and saucepans" exclaimed Dora. "We're going self catering. Everything will be included."
"Yeah" said Ron, "But they probably won't have six layers of non stick Anti-Sluggerproof material on
them."
"And that case has all me spuds and vegetables in for the stew" said Slugger.
"You're taking spuds and vegetables to make stew for us in Spain" said a horrified Steve.
"Yes, none of that foreign muck for us in Spain" said Slugger.
"No, just English muck" groaned Ron,"You'll be telling us next that the last suitcase is full of bacon
and eggs."
"How did you know that?" replied Slugger.

"Oh Slugs," said Dora, "These cases are going to be thrown from hold to hold, onto conveyor belts,
onto buses, the eggs will all be smashed to bits."
"Looks like scrambled eggs then for breakfast every day then" smirked Ron.

"What are you taking Dora?" asked Steve. "A bikini perhaps."
"No" blushed Dora, "I've some nice long dresses to wear and a pair of shorts if it's really hot."
"Oh I think they'll be really hot" said Slugger, looking at Steve and Ron's excited faces.
"Right that's that, I'm off then" said the Colonel. "Now Dora, you've got the passports."
"Yes Uncle" said Dora, passing them round.
"Blimey Slugger" said Ron, "I don't believe it, you're wearing your hat on your passport photo Slugs."
"Well I always wear my hat" said Slugger, "They wouldn't recognise me without it." (Little did Slugger
realise just how true that statement was to become on holiday).

"Anyhow" asked Dora, "How fast does this plane go?"
"Almost as fast as Ron riding his motorbike through the gate" chuckled Steve.
"Blimey, we'll be there in about half an hour then" said Slugger.

"Are you all right Ron?" said Dora." Your face has gone the colour of your shorts."
"I'm not surprised" said Slugger. "'E 'ad 6 sausages for breakfast this morning."
"Six sausages" grinned Steve.
"Yeah well, they must have been off" said Ron, holding his stomach.
"Off" said Slugger, "There was only one thing off, that was you Ron, off to the toilet every ten minutes,
greedy little....."Yes well I was nervous wasn't I " replied Ron, "Never been on a plane before. "'Ere
Slugs, is it right that black box fing is the only part of the plane that's indestructible."
"Yers" replied Slugger.
"Right" said Ron, "I want it strapped to my back then."
"Any trouble from you Stryker and you'll be coming home in a black box" snapped Steve.
"Dearie me, we are touchy today" replied Ron. "A little nervous are we?"
"No" said Steve, hands in pockets looking at the ground.
"That why we were on the bog for half an hour this morning?"
"You'd know that" said Slugger to Ron, "You wore a rut out between the toilet and the house this
morning you went so many times."
"Yes, well, anyway, I couldn't get it to flush" said Steve.
"You're the one who looks flushed" said Ron.

"Now pack that in" shouted Slugger. "We're supposed to be going on holiday. Blimey", he said "Fink
I'd sooner have stopped at home and cut the meadow with a pair of scissors than this."
"Right" sighed Dora, "Time to go. Come on everyone."


To be continued.........

[pete.r.]

PART 2

Almost three hours later all four left the plane.
"I've never been so embarrassed," said Dora. "Ron, how could you. When the air stewardess did
the safety instructions before take off, and she told us there was an inflatable rubber ring under
our seat that was to be used in the brace position that doubled up as an emergency raft in the sea.
Why did you have to shout "If we're going to crash mine will double as a toilet seat."
"And Slugger, when the steward came through the doors at the back of the plane and said
"Dinner will now be served" what on earth possessed you to get up and ask where the restaurant was.
And Steve, when the co pilot came out and asked what film would we like to watch I don't think
"Planecrash" was quite what he had in mind."
"Well I like that film," said Steve.
"Yeah, but the other hundred people 25,000 feet up in the air with the plane rocking due to
turbulence wern't so keen" mused Ron.

"Well what about you Dora" replied Steve, "When we first sat down in the plane, asking the air
hostess if you could have your window open a bit because it was stuffy."
"Well I didn't know did I," said Dora. "And it was stuffy."
"Yeah, and the worrying thing" said Ron "Was that that new air hostess on her first flight tried to
open the damn thing!"

The four friends left the  aeroplane.
"Blimey, it's 'ot" said Slugger.
"Not surprised" replied Ron. "It's about 35 degrees centigrade. Still, you could always take one of
your pullovers off Slugs."
"Or your coat" chuckled Steve.

They soon arrived at their apartment which wasn't far away.
"Crikey", exclaimed Steve, "It took us longer to pay the taxi driver than it did to get here."
"Yeah, all those bloomin' funny coins called potatoes" said Slugger.
"Pesetas," said Dora, "They're called pesetas."
"Blimey" replied Slugger, "Been pounds, shillings and pence all my life. Then they go decimal. Now
it's pesters."
"Pesetas" said Ron, Steve and Dora in unison.

"Anything you fancy doing Dora" said Steve after they'd unpacked. (Except Slugger who was still sorting
all his suitcases out, the room looked like a Victorian kitchen museum).
"Yes, I noticed in the taxi we passed some horses in a field" said Dora, "I'd like to go and see them."
"Now why am I not surprised" said Steve. "O.k. we'll go and take a look."
"We're going to the beach" said Ron. "Soon as Slugger sorts his cases out."
"That'll be about a week on Wednesday then" Steve laughed. "See you later."

Dora and Steve set off. But they couldn't find the field with the horses in it. It all looked so different
than in the taxi. After wandering around for a while without any luck, Steve said "I think we should
turn back, it's getting hotter Dora."
"We'll just look round this bend" Dora replied. "But this isn't where we saw them" said Steve. "I don't
recognise anything." But around the bend they came across a small field with a beautiful grey horse
in it.
"He's gorgeous" said Dora, "I've never seen a horse like this before."
"Me neither" said Steve. He came over to the fence to see them. Dora stroked him." Funny," said Steve,
"There's no one about. Wonder who owns him. He looks like he's been well looked after."

They returned home. "Everything alright" said Dora.
"Not exactly" replied Ron. "Why?" asked Steve. "Hey, like your beach outfit Slugs" said Steve, "Looks like
you're wearing long johns and a vest."
"I am" said slugger indignantly, "I've just had a shower."
"But you're wearing your hat" said Dora, "It's wet through. Why didn't you take it off?"
"That's the trouble" said Ron, "He can't take it off."
"Whyever not? asked Dora.
"Well", explained Slugger," I went into this shop to get a tube of sun cream lotion, put some on my
forehead, then put me 'at on. Got back 'ome and couldn't get it off. It's that bloomin' foreign writing
on the tube, can't understand a word of it."
"What do you mean" said Dora.
"He bought wood glue didn't he" chirped Ron. "Not sun cream lotion."
"Wood glue" smiled Steve.
"Oh Slugs", sighed Dora.
"Yeah, and it's set" said Slugger. "Can't get it off. Went to the chemists, they said methylated spirit
will remove the glue but not to worry, after about two weeks new skin cells will form and the 'at will
come off on it's own naturally."
"Good job you didn't have to wait for new brain cells to form" said Ron, "Otherwise you wouldn't have
got it off for about two years. Numbskull."
"Don't worry, you'll be o.k" said Steve, tapping Slugger on the forehead. "Touch wood."
"One thing" said Ron, "At least when we go home you'll look like your passport photo Slugs. good
forward thinking that."

"So what was it like on the beach?" asked Steve.
"Cor blimey" said Slugger, "'Ere, you should have been there. They were, well, you know, nothing
 above the waist line."
"Well, what did you expect the men to wear" said Dora, "It's very hot. I'm sure Steve would have only
wore his shorts on the beach."
Steve's face went redder than Ron and Slugger's suntan.
"Nah" continued Slugger, "The ladies, they were, you know, topless."
"Were they?" said Ron. "I never noticed."
"Never noticed" said Slugger, "Never noticed 'e says. Blimey Ron, soon as we got on the beach you
tripped over that little lad's suncastle he'd built 'cause you were too busy ogling, 'is dad said he'd
spent all day building that."
"You can talk Slugger" replied Ron, you got plenty of exercise on the beach."
"What", said Dora ,"Slugger, exercise, on the beach?"
"Yeah" said Ron, "Everytime a topless woman went by Slugger pulled in his stomach muscles!"


To be continued.........

[pete.r.]

PART 3

"What are we going to do today?" asked Steve.
"Thought we might go to that market" replied Dora, "It's just round the corner. I promised Uncle
we'd bring him a present back from Spain."
"Well, don't let Slugger buy anything" said Ron. "After that mishap with the glue, he bought a phrase
book." "Good idea" said Dora.
"Yeah, except when we got home he'd only been and bought a French one."
"Might come in 'andy" said Slugger.
"Don't forget" said Ron, "You don't pay the asking price here, you have to barter."
"Barter?" answered Dora.
"Yeah, you know," said Ron," offer them less." "You should be good at that then Ron" said Slugger.
"You've always been good at scrounging."

They looked round the market.
"Look" said Dora, "Here's a lovely pipe. Uncle would love that. How much is it please?"
"Six thousand pesetas" replied the man.
"Six thousand!" exclaimed Slugger, "Blimey, we only want to buy the pipe, not the factory that made
it as well."
"No" said Dora, "That's about thirty pounds." "Don't forget, offer less" said Ron.
"Five thousand nine hundred and ninety nine potatoes" said Slugger.
"Done" said the man.
"Done, done" said Ron, "We've been done. You've knocked him down by about half a penny Slugs."
"Five thousand" said Ron. "Done" said the man. "Eh" said Ron.
"Oh very clever" said Slugger, "Really good that Ron, he soon snapped your hand off didn't he."
"Two thousand pesetas" shouted Dora.
"Well, I wouldn't normally sell at such a low price, but for such a pretty senorita as yourself, it's yours."
"Thank you" said Dora blushing. The man handed the pipe to her.
"And I hope you have many enjoyable years with it" said the man.
"Oh it's not for me, it's for my Uncle" said Dora.
"Oh so sorry" said the man, he then presented it to Slugger. "And I hope you have..."
"No, I'm not her uncle" said Slugger. The man looked bewildered. Ron stepped forward.
"Oh thank you so much" he said, "I'm sure I'll have many enjoyable years with it. Come along now
Dora, we've still got to buy a present for your great grandfather" he said, looking at Slugger.

They returned home. "Right, nah then" said Slugger, "Time we had something to eat. I've got the
stew ready. 'Scuse me if I don't wear me chefs 'at."
"Actually," said Dora, "I thought we could maybe go into town and have a bite to eat. You know,
sample the local food."
"Here, here! echoed Ron and Steve.
"Yers, well, I suppose the stew will keep till tomorrow" said Slugger, having to use all his strength
to stir it.
"Don't worry, nobody will steal it" said Steve, as they looked at the thick brown lumpy slop bubbling
away in the saucepan.

On the way to town they passed a shop selling newspapers. "Look Steve" said Dora."What" said Steve.
"That picture on the front page of that newspaper. It's the horse we saw earlier in that field."
Steve looked closely. "You're right" he replied, "Wonder what it says about it, it's all in Spanish.
"Let's ask this bloke" said Ron as a man walked towards them, "He looks like a local."
Slugger got his phrase book out.
"Parlez vous anglais" he said.
"Speaka da Yorkshire" Ron drawled slowly. The man stared at them blankly.
"I don't think he understands" said Steve.
"Oh I understand that old fruit" the man said. "You speak English" said Dora thankfully.
"Of course" he replied. "I went to Eton my dear old thing. Lived here for five years. Speak Spanish
fluently."
"Oh how absolutely spiffing" said Steve.
"Can you tell us what the newspaper heading is all about" said Dora. The man read it.
"Apparently the horse is an Andalusian, owned by a Spanish Nobleman. It's been stolen. There's a
reward for anyone who finds it."
"A reward" said Ron, Steve and Slugger, their eyes lighting up.
"But we couldn't possibly..."
"Refuse the reward" butted in Ron.
"You know where the horse is?" asked the man. "Yes" replied Dora.
"Well, here's his address and directions how to get there" he replied, "It's not far."
"We'd better go straight away" said Steve, "Before whoever hid the horse comes back for him."

They went to the Nobleman's house and showed him where the horse had been hidden.
"He is worth a fortune" said the Nobleman. "He is known as the"King of Kings" among horses. Thank
you for finding him."
"Did we hear the word "Reward" mentioned" said Ron, emphasising the word reward.
"Ron" said Dora.
"Of course" replied the Nobleman, "I shall pay for all the food that you will eat here in Spain this week."
"Blimey, that's gonna cost him" said Ron sarcastically, "Slugger must have spent at least a fiver on the stew."
"You will eat like Kings all week" the Nobleman replied. "In all the best restaurants. I shall pay for it all.
And you will have the use of my Limousine and be chauffereured everywhere."

"'Ere" said Slugger, "What am I going to do with all that Stew?"
Ron grinned, leaned forward, then said "You can stick it up your..."
"Tapas!" Dora interrupted quickly, "I'd like to go to a Tapas restaurant first."
"Thank goodness for that" said Steve, wiping his perspiring brow.


To be continued.........




.

[pete.r.]

PART 4

So that evening they were all at the tapas restaurant.
"What do you think of my outfit" said Ron, giving a twirl, he had on a psychedelic multi coloured
shirt and matching shorts.
"I think it's perfect for you" said Steve.
"Do you think so" replied Ron.
"Yes" said Steve, "It won't matter what you spill down it, nobody'll notice."

Slugger had on his long white shorts, white t shirt and of course his hat. Steve wore dark trousers
and a nice white shirt, Dora a nice long navy blue dress. They looked a rather comical foursome.

"Right" said Ron to Carlos the waiter, "What are these cojones on the menu?"
"They, senor, are the testicles of the bull that lost in the bullring" he replied, "They are very nice."
"Uurrgh" said Dora.
"I'll give them a try" said Ron, "When in Spain."
"I think you'll find that's Rome" answered Carlos.
"I'll have some eggs" said Slugger. "Eggs" said Steve, "We have eggs every day."
"Yers" replied Slugger. "I like eggs, eggs is good for you eggs is.
Steve and Dora ordered several different dishes for them all to try.
"Here's your eggs Senor", said Carlos. "These are the best eggs we've had for years."
"Fink I would've preferred fresh ones" replied Slugger, "'Ere, what's this stuff in this dish?"
"That's bean salad senor."
"I know what it's been" said Slugger, "I want to know what it is now."
"And your cojones senor."

They all tucked in. "These cojones are fantastic Carlos" said Ron, "I'll have some more. 'Ere Carlos,"
said Ron, swilling down the wine, "Talking about bulls, what do you get if you cross an Iranian with
a matador?" "I don't know senor" he replied.
"Oil of ole" said Ron, laughing. "Get it? Ole. Bullfighters." Carlos did not smile.
"'Ere, I've got another one" said Ron, swigging more wine." How many Spanish waiters does it take
to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know senor."
"Juan" replied Ron. "Get it? One."
"I'll get your cojones senor" he said, turning away.
"Don't think he liked those jokes much Ron" said Steve smiling.
"No sense of humour" replied Ron.

Carlos returned with Ron's seconds.
"'Ere Carlos" said Ron, "These cojones are even better than the first ones, much sweeter, but can you
tell me, why are they a lot smaller?"
"The bull does not lose every time" answered Carlos.
There was a few seconds silence.

"Aaarrgghh" shrieked Ron, picking up the water pitcher and pouring it down his throat, most of it
going down his shirt front. "I feel sick" He dashed off to the toilet.
"Ees your friend not well" said Carlos. "Did ee not like my leetle joke."
"Ooh" said Dora relieved,"It was a joke" she sighed, looking at Ron's empty plate.
"Well Ron got you wrong Carlos" said Slugger, "Said you didn't have a sense of humour."
"And I got Ron's shirt wrong" said Steve, "When I said it wouldn't show  any mess up. Mind you. I
didn't expect him to pour a gallon of water full of ice and mixed fruit over it."
"I think we should, how do you say, let him stew for a bit" said Carlos.
"'Ere, I'm good at that" replied Slugger. "Well, I won't say anything" said Steve "If you don't Slugger."
"Ooh you two are awful" giggled Dora.

The waitress brought the dessert menu.
"What flavour ice creams do you have?" asked Dora.
"We have vanilla, strawberry and chocolate" said the waitress in a hoarse whisper.
"Do you have laryngitis?" asked Dora.
"No, only vanilla, strawberry and chocolate" replied the waitress.

"Well I really enjoyed the evening" said Dora as they returned back to their apartment.
"Me too said Steve, "What about you Slugs?"
"Yers ,well, not too bad I suppose. Didn't fink much of the eggs though, foreign muck. One of 'em was
off. I told Carlos. He just said "Pleeze do not blame me Senor. I do not lay the eggs, I only lay the table."
"Yes" said Steve, "And when I asked him if the beef was rare he said "No Senor, we have it on the menu
 almost everyday."

It was time to go home. The four friends climbed up the steps to the plane.
"I'm sick of eating" said Steve, "I never want any rich food ever again, especially Spanish. My stomach
hurts." "Me too" replied Ron, "Never thought  I'd say this but roll on Sluggers stew, I feel terrlble."
"Well it serves you right for being greedy" said Dora," I hardly had anything compared to you and I'm
fed up with eating."
"Ooh" said Slugger, slumping in his seat,"Blimey, I must've put some weight on, the seat belt doesn't
fit, yet it was fine coming. Must go on a diet."
"I think you'll find the seat belts are adjustable" replied Dora, "Probably someone else has sat in that
seat since and altered it."
"Oh yeah, never thought of that" said Slugger.

The Colonel met them at the airport. "Had a good holiday?" he asked. "Not been worrying too much
about Follyfoot Dora?"
"I've had a lovely holiday Uncle" said Dora."
"Although we did have a problem with a horse" said Steve.
"Well, that doesn't surprise me" replied the Colonel. "I must say you're all looking well and got a nice tan.
Your scalps gone the same colour as your hair Ron. You should have borrowed Slugger's hat."
"I would have done" said Ron, "But I didn't have any methylated spirit on me at the time."

"Now, I've a treat for you all" said the Colonel. "As you've been living on stew out of Sluggers suitcase
all week, I've arranged for us to stop off at Leeds at a new Spanish tapas restaurant that's opening
for the first time today for a slap up meal. I've spoken to the head waiter, his names Carlos, he only
arrived in this country today after working in Spain in a tapas restaurant. He says their speciality
is something called cojones and they do really authentic Spanish food.
What do you think about that then.........?"

                                                              THE END