Author Topic: Stay home.. Stay safe.. Stay alert.  (Read 91 times)

Offline pete.r.

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Stay home.. Stay safe.. Stay alert.
« on: June 26, 2020, 03:52:40 PM »
                                                   Stay home..Stay safe..Stay alert.

A story in four parts.

PART 1

" 'Ere Ron, what's that you're reading" asked Slugger."It's a brilliant book  replied Ron, chewing on a carrot. "It's a cowboy book."
"I didn't think you were reading Einsteins Theory of Nativity"  said Slugger.
"Isn't that something to do with the birth of The Beatles" exclaimed Steve.
"I think you may be getting Bryan Epstein mixed up with Albert Einstein" commented the Colonel. "A relatively easy mistake to make."

"Aaarghh" shrieked Ron, dropping his book.
"What's up, didn't you like the ending" said Slugger.
"I bit me bloomin' finger instead of me carrot" answered Ron. "You want to be more careful" exclaimed Slugger, fetching
the first aid kit. "Books don't grow on trees you know" he said, picking up the dishevelled publication.
"Actually they do" replied the Colonel, "They're made of paper which grows on trees, softwood ones mainly, and..."
"I think it's time we got back to work everyone" said Dora, "Come on."

Outside Ron and Steve were repairing a bit of damaged fencing. "Right" explained Steve, "You hammer the posts in the ground
Ron whilst I hold them." Ron stood there, a huge bandage round his middle finger.
"Don't think I can Steve me old mate" he replied. "I can't swing an 'ammer."
"No but you can swing the lead" commented the Colonel. "It was your index finger you injured Stryker."
"Typical innit" replied Ron. " 'Ere Slugs" he shouted,"You bandaged the wrong bit."
"Yeah" said Steve, "You should have done his mouth."
" I'll hold the posts" said Ron, "You whack 'em with the 'ammer Steve."
" 'Ere, I cant see anything wrong with your hand Ron" exclaimed Slugger, taking the bandage off.
"Yeah well I'm a good healer" replied Ron.
"Amongst other things" replied Steve. "What do you mean" asked Ron.
"You're a cheating, deceiving, falsifying, misleading fibber" exclaimed Steve.
" 'Ere, are you callin' im a liar" replied Slugger.
Steve swung the hammer down and landed it straight on Ron's hand. Ron shrieked in pain and dropped the post.
Steve and Ron went for each other. Slugger fetched the first aid box again.
"That's enough" bellowed the Colonel, "Break it up." "I think 'ee 'as broke it" replied Ron, " 'Ee did that on purpose."
"Can't I leave you two for two minutes" moaned the Colonel. "Now shake hands and be friends again."
"Aaargh" screamed Ron.
"There, see, that didn't hurt did it" said the Colonel, "Making up isn't that harrowing. Now Dora", he continued, as Slugger
wrapped an even bigger bandage round a now swollen finger, "A schoolfriend of Callie's is coming over this afternoon
to look around Follyfoot, she's looking for something to learn to ride on, something very basic."
" 'Ere Dora" said Slugger, picking up a plank of fencing wood and a saw, "Perhaps you could make her a sea-saw."

"I think I'll just give Callie's friend a quick call" whispered the Colonel to Dora, "See when she's coming round."
"Right you two, behave yourselves" said The Colonel to Ron and Steve, "I'm just going to make a phone call, see if Berni's in."
"Blimey" replied Slugger, " 'Ere, are we eating out tonight in a Steak House then Colonel."

"Ah hello" shouted Callie riding in on her bike, "My friend's arriving as soon as she's done her history homework. I've
already done mine. It was dead easy. I mean, fancy asking who was the Tsar of Russia in 1547. How awful is that."
"Yers" replied Slugger, "Terrible."
"Exactly" answered Callie, "It was Ivan the Terrible. Well done Slugs. You got that one. And what did Robert Johnson invent
in eighteen eighty eight?."
"Was it the bingo term for two fat ladies" asked Ron.
"No, not a bingo term" replied Callie.
"Ouch" muttered Slugger as he stubbed his foot on his medical box, "Bloomin' first aid kit."
"Yes you're right again Slugs" answered Callie, "It's the first aid kit.Well done, that was a hard one."
"It certainly was" grimaced Slugger rubbing his sore toe through his sandals.
"And do you know the last words of Marie Antoinette, the Queen of France in 1793 before she was guillotined."
"Did she say "Can we come back and finish this tomorrow" said Steve, "I've got a headache."
"No not that" replied Callie.
"How about 'is this the form of execution what we may beheaded for in the future?' asked Ron.
"No, 'fraid not" said Callie. "Slugger, any ideas? "
"Pardon" answered Slugger, still rubbing his sore toe and not listening.
"Yes, you've done it again" exclaimed Callie. "Oh you're good at this Slugs. Yes she said 'Pardon me Sir' as she accidentally trod
on the executioners foot."
"Must have been painful" exclaimed Steve. "I know 'ow 'ee felt" Slugger answered" rubbing his big toe.
" 'Ere, my answer was better" groaned Ron.
"Yes, but unfortunately your answer was ahead of it's time" remarked the Colonel.
"And finally, what were frying pans made of in the 5th century?" asked Callie.
"I don't know what they were made of in the 5th century but I know who destroyed most of 'em in the 20th century"
replied Ron, looking at Sluggers selection of burnt out and battered pans hanging on the wall.
"Copper" shouted Slugger, frantically.
"Well done again Slugs, another correct answer" said Callie.

"No, Copper, look out of the window" yelled Slugger, "Copper's not in his stable, he's charging round the yard." "Quick" shouted Dora.
They all ran outside. Berni had arrived and undone his stable door by mistake.
"Good Lord" exclaimed the Colonel, "The girls a fool."
"Blimey" remarked Ron, "Gives a new meaning to the phrase 'Berni the bolt'." Ron, Steve, Dora and Callie chased after Copper.
As soon as Copper saw Dora he relaxed and slowed down and they were able to catch him.

"Luckily no harm done" said a relieved Colonel that night as they sat down to supper. "We must be more careful with visitors
in future. We must be on our guard and be aware. We don't want any nasty accidents."
"Talking of nasty accidents here's another one one" commented Steve as Slugger scraped burnt bacon and eggs off his
frying pan and onto their plates.

"So did you find a suitable equine for Berni then Dora?" asked the Colonel.
"Oh we found just the one" interrupted Ron. "You know how they say animals are like their owners. We gave her that stupid
half-baked pony, the one with a spotty face that's always having tantrums."
"Ron" blurted out Dora, "That's not nice."
"And it runs all gangly" said Ron. "And it squeals. And it can pick up a bucket with it's teeth and flip it over it's head so it lands
the right way up and stick it's nose in it to see if there's any food in it. And then lick it out with loud slurping noises."
"Good Lord" cried out the Colonel, "Can Berni do that?".
"No but the pony can" exclaimed Ron.

"That's what you think" said Callie, "You haven't seen her at school dinners."

" 'Ere, I liked school dinners" said Slugger, "We often had tripe."

"That explains a lot" replied Steve, "We often have tripe for dinner here as well."
"And we had meatloaf with prunes" said Slugger.
"Blimey" replied Ron, "After eating that I bet you were like a bat out of Hell running to the toilet."
"And we 'ad loads of tarts" said Slugger. "Yes, I've had experiences with dinner ladies in the past" said the Colonel blushing.
"And I used to be the table monitor" continued Slugger, "Make sure everything was neat and tidy."
"Still, I expect your table was as clean as all the others" said Ron, "Especially when the German bombs dropped and all the
other tables were covered in two inches of ash."

To be continued......







Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Stay home.. Stay safe.. Stay alert.
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2020, 05:46:19 PM »
PART 2

The Colonel sat reading his newspaper. Ron was reading his cowboy book.
"So we're going decimal" murmured the Colonel. "Wonder what idiot thought up that idea."
"Billy the Kid" muttered Ron, looking at his book.
"Blimey" said Slugger, "You'd have thought it would have been someone in government, or at least a grown up."
Steve rolled his eyes. The Colonel turned over a page. "Whose this Ziggy Stardust?" he asked. "What's he famous for?".
"Wow, he's got a massive six-shooter" said Ron, intently reading. "He's done a lot of damage with it according to his girlfriend."
 
"Well she should know" commented Slugger.
Steve opened his mouth to speak but decided not to.
"Good Lord, Dr Finlay's finishing on t.v." exclaimed the Colonel.
"He's killed 27 men" blurted out Ron.
"Blimey, no wonder 'ee been struck off then" replied Slugger. Steve groaned.
"And here's an interesting fact about Pope Paul V1" said the Colonel.
"He's made a jailbreak and escaped on a stolen horse" announced Ron excitedly
"Oh for Heavens sake" groaned Steve. "No, not much in the newspaper today" sighed the Colonel, folding it up neatly and
putting it on the chair arm. "Most of it's hearsay" said Ron chucking his book on the floor.
"Oh I don't think so Ron" said Slugger, "I think it's all gossip."

"Where are you going Steve?" asked Dora as he got up. "To the barn to find a wooden beam to bang my head against" he replied.
"Oh and by the way everyone, I've just had a phone call from Caroline...er, I mean Lady Beck" said the Colonel. "Lord Beck's
coming round today to give us some important news."
"Oh how spiffing" answered Steve.
"Golly gosh" exclaimed Slugger.
"Oh bugger" remarked Ron.
"Language" barked the Colonel.
"Sorry said Slugger, "I meant gosh."

"So what do you think Lord Beck's going to tell us Dora" said Steve. "I don't know" she replied, "Uncle hasn't said anything to me."
" 'Ere, maybe 'eel stop for dinner" said Slugger. "I'll do something different."
"What, you mean make something that actually looks and tastes appetising" said Ron.
"I'll do a 'Pheasant Surprise" stated Slugger. " 'Eel like that. Top knobs like pheasant."
"What's the surprise going to be?" asked Steve.
"There's no pheasant in it" replied Slugger, "We ain't got none. So I'm making it with beef."
"Well that'll certainly be a surprise" exclaimed Ron.

"What about afters?" asked the Colonel.
"Well we could always go for a walk around the lake" replied Slugger.
"Uncle means what would you do for a pudding Slugs" explained Dora.
"Oh yers, 'ere, 'ee likes muffins. I'll do a Blueberry surprise muffin" said Slugger.
"Don't tell me, we haven't got any blueberries" exclaimed Steve, "You'll use beef instead."
"Don't be silly" replied Slugger, " You don't put beef in muffins. I'll use syrup of figs."
"Oh well that'll be a very moving experience for him" said Ron. "It win't only be his horse that has the trots going home."

"Ah here comes Lord Beck now on his horse" said the Colonel.
"Hello there, nice to see you all again, what. Jolly fine day don't you know" said His Lordship.
"So what have you come here for" Steve answered abruptly.
"Well I thought I should let the farmhands know my news, straight from the horses mouth so as to speak" he replied.
"I'm getting married." "Anyone we know?" asked a relieved Dora.
"His name's Shelby" said Lord Beck. "Good Heavens" answered the Colonel. "That's a surprise."
"It certainly is" said Slugger, "We didn't even know you were engaged."

"Jolly fine fellow" said Lord Beck. running his finger along his moustache.
"That's an unusual name" remarked Dora, "Shelby, why was he called that?"
"Apparently he was born halfway between Shelton and Whitby" explained Lord Beck.
"Good job he wasn't born halfway between Idicote and Aldershot then" said Ron.
"Yes he was born in Leeds" said Lord Beck. "Frightful place Leeds, full of commoners. Ma'ma and I don't like it."
"I like Leeds" retorted Steve. "No stuck up snobs in it, what." "So where did you meet Shelby?" asked Dora.
"We were both at University in Manchester" he answered. "We both have something in common. We both enjoy doing
something together. Can you guess what it is?"
"The mind boggles" exclaimed Slugger.
"Eating muffins" replied His Lordship.

"Thank Heavens for that" said a perspiring Colonel.
"Yes, we both belonged to a colloquy" said Lord Beck. "What's a cock...cock...cocky.."stammered Slugger.
Dora blushed.
"A colloquy is a gathering for discussion of theological questions" explained Lord Beck.
"And what sort of logical questions did Theo ask" replied Slugger.
"It's a jolly fine group several of us belonged to. We discussed muffins, we were all mad on them" said Lord Beck." The group
was called My Magnificent, Marvellous, Manchester, Manic, Muffin Munchers. Mmmmmmm for short."

" 'Ere, I was in a similar group once" said Ron, "a sort of pop group. It was called Can Ron Actually Play. We were absolutely....."
"Yes well we don't need to go into the finer details" said The Colonel
"We used to go busking in Tockwith market place" said Ron.
"Oh I try to keep out of the sun" replied Slugger.
"He said busking" exclaimed Steve, "Not basking."
"I used to play my Fender" continued Ron.
"Well we all have to start on something" said Slugger.
"A Fender is the name of a guitar Slugs" explained Steve.
"I know that, I'm not stupid" replied Slugger. "I expect Eric Clapton started to learn on the ashpan."
"We used to play Protest Songs" said Ron. "What were you protesting about?" asked Dora.
"Mainly the police  who kept moving us on" said Ron, "And people who kept swearing at us."

"Are you alright Your Lordship?" asked the Colonel.
"What...oh, sorry, I nearly nodded of there" he replied. He walked over to his horse. "Jolly fine steed" he said, "Champion of Beck.
Good show jumper. Of course he can't do it without me." "Of course not" said Steve.
"Yeah, I'm surprised you don't leave your 'orse at 'ome and jump over the poles yourself" Slugger replied.

"We've won six rosettes this year already" said Lord Beck. "All red of course."
"Of course" answered Steve.
"My personalised Rosette Hanger display holder in brushed stainless steel is absolutely full" he continued. "We've won everything.
Which is more than can be said for this lot" he said as he looked around, the other horses all hanging their heads out of their
stables to see what was going on. "God, what a selection of knackered nags."

"Our horses may not have won rosettes in the show jumping ring" exclaimed Steve, "But they've all been hard working, industrious
and untiring all their lives and deserve some love, affection, seclusion and respect after suffering inhuman, brutal and
sometimes barbaric conditions in their lifetime. And we here at Follyfoot give them that love, care and protection they deserve
in the autumnal twilight of their lives."

Lord Beck stood there motionless.

"Jolly fine speech that" he uttered. "Frightfully good."

"I've written a speech you know" he exclaimed, "For my wedding. Would you like to hear it" he said, taking some Basildon Bond
notelets out of his inside pocket. "Feel free to heckle" he said. "I don't mind."

'




Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Stay home.. Stay safe.. Stay alert.
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2020, 06:59:52 PM »
He took out a cigarette, lit it, and began. "It gives me great pleasure......"
"Well it would" exclaimed Slugger, "wait till you've been married about twenty years."
"To welcome you to this salubrious event...."
"Dubious more like" blurted out Steve.
"We'd like to thank you all for the presents...."
"Yeah, 49 toasters will come in 'andy" shouted Ron.
"And a big thank you to the caterers for making a jolly fine wedding cake shaped like a moustache...."
"Yeah I didn't like it at first but it's growing on me" said Slugger.
"Yes, I heard that the man who carried the cake in, his hands were shaking a lot" said Steve, "But luckily he managed
to keep a stiff upper lip."
"And to Ma'ma, Lady Beck, we'd like to thank her for her gift. We both adore Cannes...."
" 'Ere, I didn't know they sold muffins in tins" hooted Slugger.
"Also, thank you all for your kind messages..."
"Yes, we 'eard Clintons of Tockwith 'ad run out of sympathy cards" bawled Ron
"So I'd like to make a toast...."
"Shouldn't be a problem" said Steve, "You've got  37 Morphy Richards and 12 Philips models to choose from."
"So if you'd like to raise your glasses...."
"I can't see a thing now" exclaimed the Colonel.
"God save the Queen..."
"I don't think it's the Queen that needs saving" muttered Steve as Lord Beck stood there, an inch of ash hanging on the end
of his cigarette.
"I'll make a wish for you both on the Lightning Tree later" said Dora.
"Blimey, that'll test it's powers" replied Slugger.

"I can't believe it" said the Colonel. "What happened today. It's just unimaginable. I mean, there we all were with Lord Beck,
laughing and joking, the next minute we get a phone call from Lady Beck to say Shelby's called the wedding off and
doesn't want to see His Lordship anymore. The poor man was gutted. What with Berni and Copper yesterday and now this...
whatever next. Heaven knows what would have happened if Dora hadn't gone out later to make her wish on the tree.
None of us expected him to come back and try to hang himself on it."

"Oh I think you're over reacting Uncle" said Dora. "He probably just came back to collect his speech notes he'd left on the kitchen table."
"So why was there a length of rope on the floor" asked the Colonel. "I don't know" stammered Dora.
"I think we're ill-fated"  the Colonel replied.

"The curse of Follyfoot strikes again" said Ron spookily. "Watch out for the next episode. Will Lady Martha Carne ride naked
into Follyfoot like Lady Godiva and be exposed by the media. Not a pretty sight. Will the Lightning tree burst into flames
and turn into an ash tray....sorry, Ash tree. Will Callie fail her geography exams and then eat the papers which means
that sooner or later she'll pass the test. Will..."

"Oh for Heavens sake Stryker just give it a rest" said a distressed Colonel.


To be continued..........


Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Stay home.. Stay safe.. Stay alert.
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2020, 06:03:07 PM »
PART 3

Early the next morning there was a knock at the door.
"Who is it shouted the Colonel." Everyone was out working. "It's the postman" came the reply.
"How do I know you're the postman" said the Colonel. "Well I've been coming here every day for the last twenty rears" he replied.
"So what's my name?" asked the Colonel.
"Geoffrey Maddocks" he answered. "And when's my birthday?".
"How the hell do I know" said the postman, "They only put your name and address on the envelopes, birth dates aren't
mandatory unfortunately."
"Have you got any proof who you are" asked the Colonel.
"I'm wearing a Royal Mail uniform and I've got a bloody great sack of letters and parcels in a red post office van"
he replied and one of them's for you."
"Well open it" asked the Colonel, "Tell me what it says." "I'm not allowed to open letters addressed to other people" he said.
"Well I'm giving you permission" said the Colonel. "Just tell me what the letter says."

"Just a minute.....It's from your doctor. Apparently you're suffering from confused neurotic delusions. You have to report
to your surgery immediately for psychopathic help. You'll probably be told to stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, no bacon and eggs,
stop drinking alcohol, ditch caffeine, get regular exercise and practise deep breathing exercises and possibly be prescribed
anti-depressants and tranquillisers."
"Oh that's terrible news" exclaimed the Colonel, "No bacon and eggs."
"Now stop messing about and open the door" shouted the postie. Just then Slugger walked by.
"Open the door Colonel, it's the postman" he shouted. "You'll 'ave to excuse im, 'ees polaroid" said Slugger.
"I think you mean paranoid" he replied.
The Colonel opened the door. He was wearing a pair of dark sunglasses to make himself inconspicuous,
"Then again you could be right" said the postman.

"Here's your letter" he said handing it over. "But it's unopened" said a surprised  Colonel.
"Yes I told you I wasn't allowed to open other peoples mail" the postie replied.
"It's my phone bill" exclaimed the Colonel opening it, "It's not from my doctor. I'm not ill. I don't need help."
"That's a matter of opinion" replied the postman. "Oh, and they forgot to put a stamp on it. You owe the Royal Mail 3p.
I did deliver it first class."
"That's a matter of opinion" replied a disgruntled Colonel, handing over the money in halfpence pieces.

"Now I've arranged for Bert the  Bobby to come to the farm" said a worried Colonel later that day, "To give us a safety
check, can't be too careful. Oh and he's bringing Mr Clegg the builder with him in case there's any technical questions
or quotes required." "Here's Bert now arriving on his bike " said Steve. "Are hello everyone" he said.
"Evenin' all" replied Ron, bending his knees.

"I must say you've a lot of potholes on your track into the farm Colonel" said Bert, "They're a pain in the...."
"Arson" interrupted Steve.
"Pardon" answered Bert.
"Arson" said Steve, "We need to check if the barns are safe from fire, especially thrown away fag ends" he said, looking at Ron.
"Oh here's Mr Clegg arriving in his van now" announced Dora. Mr Clegg got out, a pile of estimation papers in his arms.
"Yes but first these potholes" exclaimed Bert, "They're a danger."
"Ooooh- Expensive job that- Digging out, topping up and levelling" replied Mr Clegg getting his quotation papers ready to
fill in." And I've brought plenty of pens."

"Yes...well...I don't think we need to worry about potholes" replied the Colonel, "I'll get Ron and Steve to sort that out."
"Blimey' I'm gettin' depressions about fillin' in them depressions" exclaimed Ron.
"Yeah well it's better than you gettin' in a rut" remarked Slugger.
Bert walked across the yard. "This is slippy" he observed. "Well it is a horse farm" said the Colonel, "You're bound to get
horse dung everywhere." "Yes but it's dangerous" explained Bert. " 'Ere, we could always follow the 'orses round with a bucket"
said Slugger. "Perhaps we should give Dora that job" smirked Steve. "She'd make a good Lady in Waiting."

"Well I could re-surface the yard with a non slip concrete path" answered Mr Clegg. "It'll be costly mind you."
"No I don't think we need to bother with that" replied the Colonel, "I'll get Ron and Steve to swill it down more often."
"I don't think that'll wash with Ron" said Slugger.
"No but Steve won't mind, he's good at dishing out the dirt" said Dora smugly.

"Right" said Bert we'll ......AAARGH" he shrieked as he slid across the yard and crashed down in a heap.
"Are you alright Bert" asked Dora as Steve and Ron helped him.
"Yes" he groaned, getting up gingerly. "That was painful. I landed on my truncheon."
"Blimey, you'll be sore  in the mornin' then" said Slugger.
"Yes, I have to be careful and look after it" replied Bert, "It's police property. I have to have it checked  out every month."
"Well I never knew that" said Slugger. "You learn something new every day."
"Your backside's all wet" said the Colonel. "Come and stand in front of the open fire, that'll soon dry you out."

"Some of those roofing slates look dodgy" exclaimed Bert as he entered the farmhouse. "Don't worry" replied the Colonel....."
"Ron and Steve will repair it" chorused Dora and Slugger.
"Ooh that's lovely" said Bert, his back to the fire. Suddenly a hot cinder spat out and burnt his backside.
"Aaargh" he shouted out.
" 'Ere, the Colonel was right" said Slugger, "It's soon dried 'im out."
"That's another safety issue, your fire guards badly worn" said Bert.
"We can get you a good strong one in brass and fit it to the wall with hooks so you can take it off, and a matching set of fire utensils"
said Mr Clegg. "Won't come cheap though."
"But we've had this one years" replied the Colonel, "Slugger makes excellent toast on it."
"You must be joking, the last person who made excellent toast on this fire was Queen Bodicea with her trident" exclaimed Ron.
"No, the fire's fine as it is" declared the Colonel.

"And there's an awful lot of dust around" said Bert.
"Yeah you're right, it's awful" exclaimed Ron.
" 'Ere, I dusted everywhere only yesterday" said Slugger. Bert ran his finger across the table. It left a furrow.
"You could grow potatoes in that" replied Bert. "Doesn't exactly make for hygienic working conditions, does it?"
"I should say not" said Ron, "Who wants to work surrounded by King Edwards."
"It needs dusting properly" continued Bert. "Never mind, Ron and Steve can do it" answered Slugger.
"Oh yeah" replied Ron, "In between re-surfacing the drive, swilling down the yard, re-concreting the path and re-slating
the roof. Oh, and mustn't forget to give the old toasting fork a good going over with the Brasso in me tea break."

"What about the fire hazard?" asked Steve.
"I'll sort it " replied the Colonel.
"It needs doing in the next 24 hours" said Bert.
"O.K. I'll sack Stryker tomorrow" exclaimed the Colonel.

"Well I think we've just about covered everything Colonel" said Bert. "Although that dead tree could be considered
a danger." "We could put a barrier around it" said Mr Clegg, "Fixed firmly to the ground."
"Uncle..." started Dora.
"Oh I think we can sort that out  ourselves" replied the Colonel. "And I was only joking about Ron" he whispered to Dora.
Dora smiled.

"Well that's everything sorted" said Bert, "There doesn't seem to be anything to worry about regarding health and safety here."
He turned round and tripped over the frayed carpet. As he fell a sweeping brush handle sticking out of an over stocked broom
cupboard knocked his helmet off. Bert crashed into the wall and a poorly fitted shelf fell of it and hit Bert on the head
felling him to the floor.
"Well that's good news then" said Slugger, as Ron and Steve carried Bert out, "We've passed our Health and Safety test."







Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Stay home.. Stay safe.. Stay alert.
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2020, 06:58:17 PM »
The Colonel flopped into his armchair.
Mr Clegg threw his estimation papers and pens in the dustbin on the way out.

"I'm still not convinced" said the Colonel the next day, "We must keep our distance from people we don't know."
"Uncle, just relax" Dora replied, "Everything's fine, don't get so uptight."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "Who's that" exclaimed the Colonel, jumping out of his skin.
"Well as we ain't got closed circuit t.v, surveillance or security monitors, safety cameras or a door spyglass and as I
ain't got x-ray vision I'll 'ave to open the door to find out" replied Ron.
"Be careful" said a fretting Colonel.
"Well it's me old mate Lewis Hammond" said Ron as he opened the door.
"What's he doing here" hollered Steve, "We don't want his sort here, darned Nightrider."
"That's right" agreed the Colonel.
"Send 'im packin' Ron" said Slugger.

"Well that's no way to greet someone who's come to help you" sneered Lewis. "What do you mean?" asked Dora.
"I've just come to warn you" he replied - "And only because Ron's my mate - There's a fraudster doin' the rounds.
He makes out he's from the Ministry of Health and Security. He's been round our place. We let him in after he'd asked
a few questions. He asked to go to the bathroom. After he'd left we found a box where we keep some spare dosh stashed
away had been nicked."
" 'Ere, I don't think we'll 'ave that problem" said Slugger.
"Why ever not?" asked Lewis.
"We ain't got a bathroom" he  replied.

"Well a toilet then, it's the same thing" said Lewis.
" 'Ave you ever tried 'avin' a shave in a toilet pan then"  exclaimed Slugger.

"We phoned the police" said Lewis." The man's a phoney. So I thought I'd let you know."
"See" said Ron, "Ees not all bad." "What did the police say?" asked Steve.
"They couldn't come round straight away" Lewis answered. "Apparently they said Bert the Bobby and a local builder
had been called to a wild goose chase on a fools errand by some eccentric, self-centred, time wasting old fart."
"Blimey" said Slugger, " 'Ere, I wouldn't say the Colonels self-centred."
"Well I'll see you then Ron" said Lewis. Off he went.

"We must stay home, stay safe and stay alert" exclaimed the Colonel,

"Yes, that's what we must do...... Stay home, stay safe and stay alert."


To be continued........







Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Stay home.. Stay safe.. Stay alert.
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2020, 04:40:58 PM »
PART 4

It was very tense at the farm the next day as they all waited for the bogus Health and Safety man to call.
However, unknown to everyone at Follyfoot Mr Clegg had phoned the actual Ministry for Health and Safety to
report all the safety issues he'd found at the farm as he was genuinely concerned about their welfare.

The Colonel was pacing up and down. He kept putting his hand in his inside coat pocket.
"Whatever are you doing Uncle?" asked Dora. "Just checking my wallet's still there" he answered.
" 'Ere, 'ee looks like the Duke of Wellington" exclaimed Slugger.
"I think you mean Lord Nelson" said Steve, "He only had one arm."
"Yeah well, I knew it was the name of a pub" replied Slugger.
"The Duke of Wellington had a big nose" said Dora.
The Colonel took out his handkerchief and blew a real snorter, the shelf that had been put back on the wall wobbled precariously.
"Blimey, you could be right Slugs" replied Steve.

"Now there's nothing to worry about Uncle" explained Dora,"There's only me Steve and Slugger in the house, there's no strangers."
"Ron's on the roof with his binoculars" said Steve. " 'Ere, I thought he was supposed to be mending those broken slates" said Slugger.
"He was" replied Steve, "But apparently he's scouring the landscape looking for intruders and scouts lurking in the bushes.
I think he's been reading too many Westerns lately."
"Well keep him on the roof" demanded the Colonel. "Never mind the slates, vigilance is the key."

"Here's Callie arriving on her bike" exclaimed Steve.
"Blimey," replied Slugger, 'Ow did she get through all the barbed wire and landmines?"
"Hello everyone" she said, "I just called to tell you Bern's pony's coming along nicely. She's really enjoying learning to ride,
I've been helping her of course." "Oh she's got the 'ang of 'ow to fall then" answered Slugger.
"She's named her pony Gabby, apparently, after one of her friends. I expect it was someone called Gabrielle."
Slugger grunted.

"Oh hello Steve" she continued. "Can't stop to talk" Steve replied, "Got to go, got some slates to fix on the roof. Some
other time perhaps" Ron walked through the door. "That's the roof mended Colonel" he announced, saluting. "What's next Sir?"
"Oh so the roof's finished" said Callie. "Yers, what a shame" replied Slugger.
"There's the swilling down on the yard to do Colonel" exclaimed Steve, "I'll get on with it."
"I'll go and give your study a good dusting all over Colonel" said Slugger. "I've got two minutes to spare."

"You get back on the roof Stryker" exclaimed the Colonel, "And take your binoculars. Check all the guttering and chimney stacks."
"Why does Ron need his binoculars?". asked Callie, "Is he checking all the gutters and chimney's in Tockwith as well."
"It's a long story Callie" replied Dora.

"Have you had any strangers come to your house Callie in the last couple of days?" asked the Colonel. "Anybody unusual."
"No I don't think so" she answered...hold on...wait...there was one."
"And did he ask a lot of questions and want to use the toilet?" asked the Colonel.
"Yes he did" said Callie. "Mummy told him to go away and not come back. But in a lot fewer words."
"I knew it" exclaimed the Colonel. "We're expecting the same man anytime now."
"My goodness" Callie answered, "I didn't know you were interested in buying double glazing."

"Well I must go" said Callie, "Mummy's cooking something new for tea."
Slugger reappeared from doing the dusting.
"Mummy's attempting Love In Disguise tonight, you should try it Slugger" said Callie.
"I did once" he replied, "But I couldn't get the hood of me camouflage suit."
"No, it's a recipe silly," replied Callie, "Made with breadcrumbs." And off she went.

"He's coming now" shouted Ron a few minutes later, "A car's coming down the drive."
"Now remember what we planned" said the Colonel. You keep him talking Ron, I'll phone the police. And Slugger,
don't let him out of your sight. Follow him everywhere. Even to the toilet. Have you put enough paper in."
"Yes there's a Daily Mirror and a Sun for us both to read" he replied.

There was a knock at the door, Ron opened it.
"Good afternoon" said a short man with a moustache wearing a pin-striped suit and a dark bowler hat.
"My name's Plunkett, two T's."
"Good afternoon" replied  Ron in a posh voice. "My name's Stryker. Just the one T I'm afraid. Slip of the pen on the old Birth Certificate."
"I'm from the Ministry" the man declared.
"Oh and which Ministry would that be?" asked Ron. "The Ministry of Planetary Protection, the Ministry of High Heeled Shoes,
the Ministry for Christmas Trees, perhaps maybe  even the Ministry of Toilets.?"

"I'm from the Ministry of Health and Safety" he replied.
"And do you perchance have any identification?" enquired Ron, "We can't be too careful can we.?"
"Yes here it is" said My Plunkett showing Ron a plastic card with his picture and signature on it.
"Oh so it is" answered Ron, "And very realistic too. Very lifelike."
"Well of course it is" he replied, "Because it's me."
"Oh and you're wearing the same bowler hat" said Ron, "How sweet."
"Yes" said Mr Plunkett proudly, Mrs Plunkett bought it for my 40th. birthday 10 years ago."
"Oh the little tease" quipped Ron.

"And here are my official papers from the Ministry" he continued.
"Oh very professionally done if I may say so" said Ron.
"Well  that's because the Ministry of Health and Safety is very professional" said Mr Plunkett as Ron wiped it on
his sleeve to check for wet ink.
"Now would you like to use our toilet" asked Ron.
"No I don't think so" he replied.
"Thank gawd for that" muttered Slugger, emptying air fresheners and deodorants out of his pockets.

"Now if I could just have a quick look around outside. Well I must say the yard is extremely clean" he observed, "No safety
problems there."
"Oh that's all down to my Junior Under Assistant, Mr Ross," bantered Ron. "He does all the menial and trivial jobs around
here such as mucking out and emptying the rubbish." Steve stood watching and listening from the window.
His face was purple, he was fuming.

"And all the guttering, roof slates and chimney pots have been maintained to an excellent condition" Mt Plunkett noticed.
"Oh we're very lucky to have a highly skilled Master Farm Technician trained to the very top professional standards" smiled Ron.
"And whose that" he asked.
"That would be my good self" jested Ron. "Whilst Mr Ross does the boring, degrading and inferior job of lugging about
my materials and highly sophisticated tools."
Steve was boiling over with rage.

"And I notice the potholes in the driveway have been recently repaired" said Mr Plunkett.
"Yes, again my skivvy Mr Ross humped and filled the wheelbarrow with hardcore and filled the holes in" said Ron "Whist I skillfully and
adeptly smoothed them over with great precision and accuracy."
"I'll kill him" snarled Steve, "It was the other way round."
"Now if we may go into the rest of the house to inspect it" exclaimed Mr Plunkett. They went inside.
"Could I offer you some refreshment" asked Slugger, staring  at him intently and not taking his eyes off him.
"Er..yes.." said a slightly disturbed Mr Plunkett, as Sluggers eyes followed him around the room. "Yes, a beverage would be
very acceptable" he said, taking off his bowler hat.

"This is Mr Plunkett" said Ron." Two T's."
"Blimey" replied Slugger, "Most people just 'ave one cup."

"I'll bring it in" said Steve in a gruff voice. "That's if I don't drop the tray on the floor like I usually do being a ham fisted
awkward clumsy oaf" he said as he dropped a heavy sledgehammer he was holding on Ron's foot.








Cut out the strong to help the weak

Offline pete.r.

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Re: Stay home.. Stay safe.. Stay alert.
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2020, 05:27:51 PM »
"AAARGH" screamed Ron. The door burst open and Bert the Bobby dashed in.
"Don't anybody move" he shouted. "Freeze!"
"I think 'ees been watchin' too many episodes of 'The Sweeney' " exclaimed Slugger. "Where's the fake imposter" asked Bert.
They all pointed to Mr Plunkett.
"Oh hello George" said Bert, "Fancy seeing you here."

"Oh so you're known to the police" exclaimed the Colonel. "Obviously a well known criminal."
"Criminal, he's no criminal" answered Bert. "He's a highly thought of Minister. He reports regularly to us about health
and safety issues in the community."

"And I have to say" announced Mr Plunkett looking around, "Follyfoot is one of the safest, most prudent establishments
I've ever visited. So much so I'm submitting it to be recognised as a finalist in the United Kingdom Health and Safety
Farming Division for which it will receive a certificate. a silver cup and a monetary award, the amount depending
on it's final position but it will be a significant amount."
"Well that's absolutely amazing" replied the Colonel. "Our slogan is - Stay Home..Stay safe..and stay alert."

"What an absolutely stunning slogan" replied Mr Plunkett. "I'm going to forward it to the Prime Minister
to keep for prosperity and maybe one day, if a castrophic crisis in the world ever occurs - we can use it as a rallying cry
to help and comfort the sick and suffering and protect the endangered and vulnerable."

"Well let's hope that situation never arises in the distant future" replied the Colonel.

"And that slogan also applies not only to the people who work at Follyfoot but also to all the horses, ponies and donkeys
who live here" said Dora. "And also to the Lightning Tree" she exclaimed, placing her hands gently on it, "that has
suffered pain and affliction in it's lifetime."

And in the gentle breeze the Lightning Tree's branches bowed as if to agree.

And the horses and ponies looked out of their stables and nodded.

And the donkeys brayed.

And silent tears rolled down Dora's cheeks.

As if she knew what the future held.


                                                                              THE END
Cut out the strong to help the weak