Author Topic: The Colonel's folly  (Read 155 times)

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The Colonel's folly
« on: April 14, 2019, 01:53:45 PM »
                                                               The Colonel's folly
A story in four parts.

PART I

Everyone stood around the Colonel in his study.
"Uncle" said Dora. "Yes" he answered. "Are you sure this is a good idea, turning one of the rooms in the farmhouse into a bed and breakfast."
"Oh yes" he replied, "Mr Clegg's done a good job with it, It'll bring in much needed revenue to help keep Follyfoot going. Now we've got a
perspective lodger arriving any second so I want you all to be courteous and civil."
"Cautious and drivel more like" sniggered Ron. "Oh there's the doorbell now" said the Colonel.

Steve opened the door. A thin scruffy man wearing a white mac. stood there.
"Hello" he said in a Geordie accent, "My name's Terry, Terry Collier. And this is my friend Bob."
"They look a pair of likely lads" whispered Slugger to Steve.
"And this is Bob's wife Thelma." They were both smartly dressed with dark hair. "I've come to look at the room" said Terry.
The Colonel took them to the room. It was very small.
"Here it is" he said, "No ones slept in it yet."
"I'm not surprised" replied Terry.
There was just a tiny bed and a wooden stool in it.

"I'm not saying the room's small" said Terry, "But the mat inside says 'Everybody's well. And you have to be careful
opening the door with your key that you don't scratch the window opposite."
"And if you lay your hanky on the bed" exclaimed Bob, "You've got an extra sheet."
"Still, a room this size does have it's advantages Bob" said Terry. "It's not everyone who can lay in their bed and turn the
light switch on on the opposite wall without getting out."
"Oh I know several people who can do that with their feet"  replied Thelma.
"Yes but I can do it with my nose" exclaimed Terry.

"Well at least the room's new" Dora answered, "You can still smell the freshness in it."
"Oh I thought that was the horse muck outside" said Bob sniffing.
"Just a minute Terry" said Thelma, "The advert said it had central heating."
"Yeah, there's a hot water bottle in the middle of the bed" replied Slugger.
"And do you have mice?" asked Terry. "No replied Slugger, we used to 'ave a goldfish." "What happened to it?" asked Bob sarcastically.
"It drowned" said Slugger.
"Drowned. How can a goldfish drown" asked Thelma. "It jumped out of it's bowl and into me fryin' pan" said Slugger.
"Oh you mean browned" said Bob. "The goldfish got browned."
"Yeah" replied Slugger. "Funny that, we never 'ad fish again" exclaimed Ron.
"I'm not surprised" said Terry.

"And what's this" said Bob, picking up a tatty piece of card with string attached.
"Oh you hang it on the door handle" said Slugger. "Yes you know" said Thelma, "It says 'Please clean the room' on one side
and 'Do not disturb' on the other."
"Yeah, that's about right" replied Slugger, "I wrote this one meself."
"Let's have a look" said Bob, it says "I'm not about you can muck me out" on one side. Slugger grinned and gave the thumbs up.
"And on the other side" continued Bob, it says "I'm in today you shall not pass, so you can stick the brush handle up your....."  "Yes well
we get the idea interrupted Thelma".

"So where do I keep my snap?" asked Terry, "I've brought it in my bag here, there's no fridge." "What's snap" asked a puzzled Dora.
"It's nutrition that your body absorbs to maintain healthy thickening, swelling and growth" said Terry.
"Ob Bob never has a problem with that" exclaimed Thelma. "Do you Bob?"
"Bloody Hell man! replied Terry.
"What exactly have you brought?" said the Colonel.
"Twenty four cans of Newcastle Brown Ale" he replied.
"Is that all" said Dora.
"Yes" replied Bob, "He couldn't carry any more."

"Mind you it's very cold in here, nothing'll go off" said Thelma. "And the room's very sparse."
"He's just spent five years in the army Thelma" said Bob. "He's suffered hardship, solitude, loneliness and sacrificed himself for
his country. Did I get that right Terry" whispered Bob in his ear. "Spot on mate" said Terry, "Have a Newcastle Brown."
"Cheers" said Bob.
"Well I think the room's flawless" said Thelma.
"It was until Mr Clegg cemented it and laid the carpet" replied Slugger.
Slugger stamped on the floor as if to prove it. A cloud of dust rose up and a leg fell off the stool. 
" I aint' 'ad time to 'oover it yet" said Slugger.
"That's right, the room was only finished six months ago" exclaimed Ron.
"And the stool'll come in 'andy if you want to milk any cows in the morning" said Slugger.
"Oh do you have cows then?" asked Terry.
"No."

"Well I think the room will be fine" said Thelma. "You take it then" said Terry, "I'll sleep with Bob."
"No you won't" replied Bob. "You snore, you pick your nose, you trump for England and you wear men's socks with suspenders on."
"No I don't" replied Terry.
"I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about Thelma" said Bob.

"You also get a breakfast thrown in" said Steve, trying to diffuse the situation. "Literally" exclaimed Ron. "What do you mean?" asked Terry.
"You'll know when you see it" said Ron. "It looks like it's been thrown."
"So what's for breakfast then?" asked Thelma.
"Monday, bacon 'n eggs" said Slugger.
"That sounds alright" said Bob.
"Tuesday, bacon 'n eggs."
"Wednesday, bacon 'n eggs."
"Thursday..."  "Don't tell me..."Bacon 'n eggs" said Terry.
"Nah, Thursday is 'ousekeeping day" replied Slugger. "We 'ave a change."
"Thank God for that" said Terry.
"Sausage bacon 'n eggs" said Slugger.

"And you can use our facilities" said the Colonel, "We've got an outside loo and a trough to wash in."
"Oh well that makes all the difference" said Bob.
"I think I'll rejoin the army then" sighed Terry.

"Didn't you ever marry Terry?" asked Dora. "Yes but we parted company" he replied. "It was Geoff Hursts fault."
"Did she run off wif 'im then?" asked Slugger.
"No, he scored three goals in the 1966 football World Cup final against Germany" said Terry." My wife was German. She divorced me."
"Blimey" said Ron, "What would've 'appened if Germany 'ad won.
"I'd have divorced her" answered Terry.
"I suppose a draw would've been the best result then" exclaimed Dora.
"Yes probably" he replied,"Then we'd have been married another week until the replay. My first love was Wendy Thwaites."
That all went wrong. Never trust a woman called Wendy."
Dora looked at Steve. Steve looked at the floor.

"Is there much to do here to relax?" asked Bob "It seems very peaceful."
"Oh you can take advantage of our equines and go horse riding" said Steve.
"I don't ride" replied Terry. "I'll teach you" said Dora, "You'll be good at it, you're thin."
"I'm not thin" he answered, "I'm wiry. I've got a bad leg. I injured it in the army. I never talk about it."
"You're talking about it now" said Thelma.
"No I'm not, I just casually mentioned it" replied Terry.
"So what do you like to do Terry?" asked the Colonel.



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Re: The Colonel's folly
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2019, 02:41:44 PM »
"Oh I like a good game of 'I spy' man. Mind you, looking round these four walls apart from a bed and a stool there's not much
to spy" Terry answered.
"There's a good view out of the window" said Dora. "You can see the horses, and the grass, and the Lightning Tree. And with a
bit of luck you can see the planet Jupiter, the Gas Giant."
"Well that's a new one" said Bob, "I spy with my little eye......Jupiter. Oh sorry me old mate, did you forget to bring your telescope.
That's 1-0 to me I think. At this rate I'll be doing a Geoff Hurst and getting a hat trick. Look there's Mars and Venus as well."
"Yes and there's the Black Horse Pub" said Terry."After a few pints of Brown and Mild I'm a bit of a gas giant myself.

"Talking about black horses" said Steve, "Hercules isn't very well Dora. He's coughing and wheezing and won't eat."
"I'm not surprised" replied Terry, "I bet he's fed up with having bacon 'n eggs everyday. Give him something different. And if he's
in a room like this sort him out with a change of scenery man."
Steve glared at Terry angrily as he opened a can of one of his Newcastle Browns and knocked it back, grinning.
"Oh so you know all about horses do you man" he barked.
"Funnily enough" replied Dora, "That's what the vet said when he came to see him early this morning. Change his feed, give him
some Beet Pulp instead of hay for a few days as he's got Heaves. Don't keep him cooped up inside and avoid dusty areas."
All went quiet. Steve was simmering.

"Yes well if you ever need my help anytime don't be afraid to ask" said Terry "We'll be on our way now."
"But what about the room" blurted out the Colonel.
"Oh I think Hercules and me have got things in common" exclaimed Terry.
"I don't like being cramped up either. And I don't like dust.
And we're both wiry.
Nice to have met you canny lass" he said, smiling at Dora.
"Why aye man."
Dora smiled back.

Steve marched off angrily.


To be continued........
Cut out the strong to help the weak

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Re: The Colonel's folly
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2019, 03:13:19 PM »
PART 2

"Not to worry everyone" said the Colonel the next day, "A Mr and Mrs Meldrew are coming over to look at the room today.
And Ron's put his old single wardrobe in it he doesn't want."
"Well that'll make it wall to wall fitted units" exclaimed Steve.
"It's not that small" replied the Colonel. "Are, there's the doorbell now." Steve opened the door. An elderly couple stood
there. He was bald with a flat cap.
"I don't believe it" he said, "If it's not bloody pigeons crapping on my car, the little buggers, it's bloody horse turds two feet
deep stuck to my shoes. Typical!". "Victor" snapped his wife Margaret.

"Oh good morning" said Victor with a sickly smile, rubbing the heels of his shoes against the door threshold.
"We've come about the room to let."
"Come in" said Steve. "Are Hello Mr and Mrs Meldrew" said the Colonel, "Did you have a good journey?".
"Well if you call being tailgated by two nuns in a bubble car at 30m.p.h. on the A661 for half an hour then yes" he replied.
"I told you to go faster" said his wife Margaret.
"Yes but since that garage serviced the car last month it only goes more than thirty downhill" he replied. "And that's with the
wind behind me. And that reminds me, next time you invite Mrs Warboys out for lunch we're going somewhere that doesn't
serve Asparagus and Broccoli soup followed by Cabbage and Pinto beans with Avocado's stuffed with Mushrooms Onions and
Brussel Sprouts and Green Peppers" said Victor.
"She's a vegetarian Victor" explained Margaret.
"Well if farting burnt calories she'd have been three stone lighter by the time we got home" said Victor. "And when she wound
the window down and let rip I thought we were on bloody Turbo Power. We could have done with her when we were stuck
behind those sodding nuns. Gives a new meaning to the phrase 'Having a blow out on the M1.' And that's another thing about
the garage, when I press the windscreen wiper button the bloody radio comes on as well. Every time I go through a rainstorm
I have to put up with Meatloafs 'Bat out of Hell'. Not very apt when you're crawling along at about 20m.p.h. Unless of course
you've got Mrs Warboys sitting on the back seat expelling intestinal gasses from her..." "Ah so that's what you think of Mrs
Warboys" said Margaret.
"Bloody vegetating vegetarian" hissed Victor. "And that car's going back to the garage. Why they call themselves 'Car Doctor' is
beyond me. They couldn't get a Hurst up to speed. Typical."

"Yes well, come in" said the Colonel. This is the room."
"Oh it's very nice" replied Margaret. "What do you think Victor?"
"Well it's certainly maintenance free" he replied. "Which is more than can be said for the garage. I'm not saying it's small but the
last time I was in a room this size I was crammed in with four other people going up to the 5th floor of the Basingstoke General
Hospital." "What were you going there for?" asked Margaret.
"To the x-ray dept. replied Victor. After I'd broken my foot tripping over Mrs Warboys bloody cat. Why she calls it Lucky is beyond me."
"What, the x-ray's on the 5th floor" said Dora. "That must have been inconvenient."
"I'll say" replied Victor, "The others in the lift kept treading on my bloody foot! Not as bad as the first time I went though. Some Vile
sadistic bastard put a sign on the lift door saying 'Out of order'. Dozens of us with broken arms, legs, feet and hips and one poor sod
with a broken neck struggled up 60 steps on walking sticks and crutches. It looked like a scene from the film' Aeroplane.'
And then when we reached the top the sign on the lift said 'Just Joking, Ha Ha.' I complained to the receptionist. She was sat there
fagging it, drinking coffee and plucking her eyelashes. She said "I havn't got time to walk round all day looking for signs on lift doors."  "
"Well if I find the bugger who did it he'll have more broken bones than this lot in the waiting room put together" I said.
"Keeps us in a job" she replied." I don't believe it. Bloody National Health."

"Yes there's not much space in it" said Victor, looking round the room.
"Still, Mrs Warboys said we could have her old settee" answered Margaret.
"Do you really think that orange stripes and pink dots will go with a beige carpet and curtains" said Victor. "I mean, what is the point
of buying anything that colour."
Margaret opened the wardrobe door. Ron had left all his psychedelic clothes in it.
"Well, it'll go with all these" she replied.
"Unbelievable" exclaimed Victor. "Can you believe that" he said, holding up a purple shirt with yellow stars on it.
"Did this belong to Lester Piggott?". "Oh don't worry" said Ron, I forgot to take them out, I'll get rid of them, no problem."
"Well don't take them to 'Help the Aged' said Victor, otherwise we'll have a town full of 90 year olds walking round like Chameleons."

"Why don't you try the bed" butted in Steve.
Victor lay on the bed. It creaked. The headboard squeaked and grated. The mattress screeched and squealed.
"What do you think?" asked Dora.
"Not exactly 'Silent Night' is it," replied Victor.



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Re: The Colonel's folly
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2019, 04:19:02 PM »
"I mean, if I wanted to spend a deafening, ear-splitting, vociferous night I'd camp out on the repairs section of the hard shoulder
of the M1 on junction3 surrounded by electric jackhammers."
"Or you could put on some of these clothes in the wardrobe and go to a disco" said Margaret.
"Bloody Hell, I couldn't stand that!" exclaimed Victor.
 I'll just sit on this stool for a minute" he said.
Ron had glued the broken leg back on but unfortunately it hadn't set. It broke again and Victor went crashing to the floor.
"Unbelievable. Can you believe that" he said. "One thing in life you can be sure about is that you can always rely on not to rely
on anything."
"Oh yeah" exclaimed Slugger, scratching his head.
"Don't be so pessimistic Victor" said Margaret, "You've got all the rest of your life to look forward to."
"That's bloody reassuring then" replied Victor, rubbing a sore bottom and grimacing.
 "Are you alright Victor?" asked Dora.
"Yes" he replied, "Luckily I didn't fall on anything hard like the bed."

Suddenly the phone rang. "It's for you Victor" said the Colonel.
"For me" he replied, quizzically. "Hello....Yes...."
"I don't believe it" he said, putting the phone down. "It's my doctor's surgery. They've cancelled my appointment for tomorrow.
How the bloody Hell did they get me at this number?"
"What was the appointment for?" asked Slugger.
"They say I've got Extra Sensory Perception" replied Victor. "Load of bloody cobblers."

"So are you taking the room?" asked the Colonel. "Well it's just temporary" replied Margaret "While our house is up for sale. Victor doesn't
get on with our neighbours Pippa and Patrick."
"Find that hard to believe" replied Ron.
"No one gets on with Victor" she continued. "Even the Samaritans pretend it's a recorded message when he rings up.
Mrs Warboys doesn't like him."
"Mrs Warboys is a stupid, ignorant ,moronic hypochondriac" replied Victor.
"That reminds me, I must make a note in my Medical Diary that tomorrows appointment's been cancelled" he said.

"So will you be taking the room?" asked the Colonel. "No I don't think so" replied Victor. "Well I like it" said Margaret, "Lovely views,
friendly people, no one to bother us, it'll be ideal."
"Yes" agreed Victor, "But I don't see why we should be pushed out of our home by a pair of tosspots who live next door to us. I
think we should stay where we are."

Suddenly Victor put his head in his hands. "Are you alright?" asked Margaret.
"I'm getting another one of my visions " he replied. "It's like telepathy. I can see a barn. There's smoke coming from it.
Horses are in danger."
"Quick Ron," shouted Steve. "To the stables. Where's Ron."
He wasn't about. They all dashed outside. Smoke was coming from Gypsy's stable. Steve ran inside. Ron was asleep on a bale of hay.
His cigarette had dropped to the floor and was smouldering. They fetched buckets of water and quickly put it out.
"That was close" exclaimed Dora, "Another few minutes and the whole lot would have gone up."
"You numbskull Ron" bellowed Slugger, clipping him round the ears, "You've been told before about smoking in stables."
"Sorry" answered Ron, "I just needed a fag."
"Well it's a good job Mr and Mrs Meldrew were here" replied the Colonel. "If it wasn't for Victor then we'd have had a nasty accident.
I think he must have some sort of extrasensory perception."
"'Ere, 'ang about" said Ron, "Could you fill in me pools coupon before you go Victor".
"I'll fill you in before I go Ron"  answered Slugger.

"Well I've only one thing to say about this incident" said the Colonel.
"What's that?" asked Dora.
"I don't believe it" he replied.



To be continued........
Cut out the strong to help the weak

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Re: The Colonel's folly
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2019, 02:27:42 PM »
PART 3

"Well that was a disaster" said the Colonel, "But we've got an interested couple coming to look round this afternoon, they seem
rather keen."
"Are they 'omeless then" remarked Ron.
That afternoon a middle aged couple arrived on a motorcycle and sidecar. She was blonde, he was thin on top with a moustache.
Steve opened the door.
"George and Mildred Roper" said the man, "We've come about the dosshouse...er, I mean the boss's house, I believe he's got a house
to rent." "I fink 'ee was right first time" whispered Slugger to Ron.
"The only dosser round here is you George" exclaimed Mildred. "You're bone idle, lazy and useless."
"Oh I don't know about that" replied Steve, looking at Ron.

"Here's the room" said the Colonel. "What do you think." They looked around.
"Well it's very bijou" remarked Mildred. Slugger smiled and folded his arms as if he'd been showered with compliments.
"It's small" exclaimed George. "You don't like small Mildred."
"Yes, well, sometimes I just have to get used to it. Don't I George" she said, giving him a funny look.
"And it's beige not blue" commented George.
"Whatever are you talking about George" replied Mildred. "Oh for Heavens sake take your motor cycle helmet off.  I said bijou, not blue."
"Are that's better" replied George, "I can hear perfectly now. Unfortunately I can still see perfectly as well. We can't live here, there's
not enough room."

"Well we can use the wardrobe as storage space" said Mildred.
"Look, by the time I've got my magazines in the wardrobe there's no room for your clothes Mildred."
"Oh well that's a joke" she answered, "My clothes would fit on the hook behind the door. Last time I went out to  a posh do
with my newest clothes on they said 'You've got the wrong week, the Forties Weekend is next week."
"Well clothes are expensive" said George, "The last frock I bought you cost fifty pence."
"Yes, and that was in old pennies" remarked Mildred. " Now, we've got the money from the council from the Compulsory Purchase Order."
"Oh I see" replied The Colonel, "So you have to move, you've no option."
"Well I've got the option of moving into somewhere bigger than this" said George. "Like a dog kennel. I'm always in the doghouse anyway."

"Do your magazines have to go in the wardrobe" asked Dora.
"Oh yes dear" replied Mildred. "Or under the bed. They're those kind of magazines "You know, men's magazines."
"Oh you mean D.I.Y." replied Dora.
"Yes, you could say that" said Mildred.

"Yes, well, let's have a look at the bed" said George.
"It's never been used" enthused the Colonel.
"Neither has ours" replied Mildred.
"We sleep in it" said George.
"Exactly" exclaimed Mildred.

"Mother was right, I should never have married you" said Mildred.
" 'Ere, she came round the other morning" replied George. "That's the last time I buy any chloroform from Woolworths.
"You're always making crude comments about her George" exclaimed Mildred. "I mean, when she came to stay with us for a few days
she was having her dinner when she suddenly said 'I want to be cremated'. Did you have to say 'I'll get my coat on then'.
And when someone stole her bra off our washing line you said 'I'm not bothered about her item of underwear but I'd like the 18 pegs back please.'
And when we took her to The Tate and Modern Gallery to see the Revolutionary Cubism paintings by Picasso, she stood looking
at a picture on the wall in front of a crowd of people and said 'Ooh look at that ugly monstrous thing, what is it."
"A mirror" you replied.
"Yes,well" said George, "I opened the door for her when I took her home."
"Yes but you were doing 60m.p.h. at the time on the bypass" exclaimed Mildred. "You've never liked my mother."
"That's not fair" replied George. "I took her a big bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates when she went into hospital."
"Very thoughtful George" said Mildred, "Considering she went in suffering from Hay Fever and Chronic Diabetes."

George took out his pipe and lit it.
"Oh for Heavens sake put that disgusting thing away" said Mildred.
" 'Ere, where did I hear you say that before?" asked George.
"Probably on our wedding night" she replied.
"Ah so you're a pipe smoker" said the Colonel, "So am I. Have you tried Ready Rubbed?"
"Only when I've gone out shopping" replied Mildred.

"And there's no telly either" said George. "I like  my horse racing on the telly. I like to have a bet and watch them run."
"Yes...well...There's plenty of horses here you can look at George" said Mildred.
"Yes, but these don't gallop at 40m.p.h. down the Home Straight" he replied.
"Neither do yours" exclaimed Mildred.

"And where's the bathroom?" asked George.
"The toilet's outside in the yard" said Steve.
"And we can supply you with a bath tub. You can wash in your room" said the Colonel.
"Oh that'll be nice" replied Mildred. "I can sit in it naked George while you get your loofah out. You haven't used your loofah on me
properly since our honeymoon, have you George?"
"Yes, well, I er..."In fact I'm surprised you even know where to find it. It's probably gone all mouldy now and covered in cobwebs."
"Well it was alright last time I looked" said George.
"I'm talking about your back scrubber George" replied Mildred. "It's in the bathroom cupboard at home."
"Oh...The back scrubber" answered George, with an embarrassed smile.

"Well what did you think I meant George?. When was the last time we had a bath together?. When was the last time I played with your
toy duck and gave it a squeeze?. If I lost my sponge you'd never find it, you wouldn't have a clue where to look for it."
"Would it be in the bathroom cupboard Mildred?" asked George.
"See what I mean" said an exasperated Mildred. "I mean, I knew I wasn't marrying Burt Reynolds but you don't show any interest in me George."
"Yes I do" he replied. "It's my headphones, they're not working properly."
"Hormones George! You mean hormones" said Mildred. "They affect your emotions and sex drive and control certain organs."
She gave George one of her strange looks.
"Or not so in your case.
Headphones are those things you stick on your head and when you've got them on you're immune to everything and everyone around you.
You're in a world of your own, you don't communicate with the outside world.....Oh I don't know, you could be right."

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Re: The Colonel's folly
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2019, 03:10:37 PM »
"Think I'll go for a walk round outside and get a breath of fresh air" said George. He disappeared.
"So what do you think Mrs Roper?" asked the Colonel.
"It's too small, unserviceable, unworkable, unusable, impractical, nonfunctional and not much to look at either" she replied.
"Oh I'm so sorry" exclaimed the Colonel, "I didn't realise the room was that bad".
"Whose talking about the room" said Mildred - I'm talking about George."

"I'm sure he has his uses" said Dora. "Everyone does." "Yeah even Ron" grinned Slugger. " 'Cept we ain't found what they are yet."
Ron pulled a face. " 'Ere" he said, looking through the window, "George's standing next to Copper Dora. He's stroking him. Copper seems to like it."
"Horses know when people are kind and like them" replied Dora. "They can sense warmth, affection, gentleness and tenderness."
Mildred's eyes watered. "Yes, well, perhaps I have been a bit hard on George" she replied. "I suppose we've been married so long
I take him for granted. He's not a bad old stick really."

"Right, that's sorted that out" said George walking in. "Sorted what out?" asked Steve.
"That horse, the brown one." "Oh you mean Copper" exclaimed Dora.
"Yes, I noticed he was walking with a bit of a limp" said George. "Had a look at his hooves. One of them had little bits of stone in it.
I got them out with the corkscrew on my penknife. I've seen the farriers do it at the racecourse, if you don't get them out early enough
they move up into the hoof wall and can cause problems. He's walking fine now, nice animal."

"Oh thank you so much George" replied Dora, looking at Mildred, "I hadn't noticed."
"No, people don't always notice the little important things in life" said George.
"They don't notice I'm a man of refinement, finesse and panache."
Mildred smiled and put her arms in his.
"Come on George" she said, "Time to go home love. I'll make you your favourite tea - Fish paste, gherkin and marmalade sandwiches."


To be continued........
Cut out the strong to help the weak

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Re: The Colonel's folly
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2019, 01:59:49 PM »
Part 3

"Right, that's it, I've had enough" said the Colonel. "I'm fed up with everyone saying the rooms too small. Mr Clegg's coming
tomorrow to knock the inside wall out and make it bigger. I'm having a settee and chairs delivered and dining table and flowers
put in." The next week it was all done. "That looks better" said the Colonel, "A Mr Rigsby's coming to view it anytime."
"Are there's the doorbell." Steve opened the door. "The name's Rigsby" said a scruffy man, "This is Miss Jones, my lodger, and Alan,
a student and lodger." He had long black hair. "And Philip, also a student and lodger. Miss Jones room has rising damp so I'm
looking for temporary accommodation for her whilst the works being done."

"Let me show you the room" said the Colonel, proudly opening the door.
"Oh it's magnificent" said Miss Jones, "I love it. So spacious, it's gorgeous."
"I love the dark engraved wood" said Philip.
"Yes well you would" exclaimed Rigsby, "Being the son of an African Prince. Probably been chiselled away for months by Africans
who don't know the meaning of the word Minimum Working Wage."
"That's three words" said Alan.
"Yes well you know what I mean" replied Rigsby.

"So you're not from these parts Philip?" asked Steve.
"No, he's a foreigner" exclaimed Rigsby. "He's from Croydon."
"He's a planning student" explained Alan.
"Yes I know" replied Rigsy. "Hey, he'd have been a big help with that engraved wood getting it nice and smooth."
"I said planning" said Alan, "Not planing."

"The room looks very nice Ruth" said Philip. "Just like you, very plush lavish and ritzy." Miss Jones fluttered her eyelashes.
"And expensive" remarked Rigsby. "Trust you to find fault Rigsby" exclaimed Philip, "It's perfect for Ruth I'm sure."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Ron opened it. A young man with blonde hair and an older man with a moustache stood there.
"My names Mr Humphries" said the blonde man and this is Mr Peacock."
" 'Ere, did you ring my bell" asked Ron.
"No" replied Mr Humphries, "But I'd like to."
They walked in. "We both work for Grace Brothers, a department store" said Mr Peacock. We heard about the room to let so thought
we'd take a look."
"We're looking for somewhere to live together" said Mr Humphries.
"Is the room free?" asked Mr Peacock.
"Er...yes..It's free" answered the Colonel.
"We'll take it then" blurted out Rigsby, "Where do I sign?"
"He means the room's available Rigsby" exclaimed Philip. "I know what he meant" replied Rigsby.
"No you didn't" said Alan, "I saw the veins in your neck expand with a rush of blood to the head, and your eyeballs bulge.
Don't forget, I'm a medical student."
"Oh yeah" replied Rigsby,"And when I asked you to take my pulse last week you walked off with my handbag."
"Well I thought you said take my purse" exclaimed Alan. "Not much chance of that" said Philip.
"Ooh I love a man with a handbag" said Mr Humphries.

"I think the room's too big for one person" exclaimed Rigsby. "Miss Jones, I've something to ask you. I've admired you for a long
time from a distance" he said.
"Yes I know" she replied, "I saw you pass me on the number 43 bus yesterday. You were waving and gesturing like a lunatic.
I thought someone had escaped from the local sanatorium."
"Miss Jones" he continued, getting down on one knee..."Are you alright Mr Rigsby" she said, "Has your back gone again."
"No it's not my back Miss Jones" said Rigsby...."Miss Jones....Ruth....Would you do me the honour of becoming Mrs Rigsby."
"What, you want me to pretend to be your mother" she replied.
"No, I want you to be my wife" said Rigsby, sweating. "Is it hot in here or what." "Have you been drinking Rigsby?" asked Alan.
There was a silence.
"A girl needs a moment to think" said Miss Jones.

Suddenly there was another knock at the door. Dora opened it. Joe Rimmington stood there. "Uncle Joe" gasped a surprised Dora.
"Hello Dora" he said smiling and walking in." I heard you had a room to let." "Well, yes," replied Dora, "But...." "It looks ideal" he said.
Just what I'm looking for. And so are you Dora. All these months since I met you I've done nothing but think about you.
You're in my heart, mind and soul. Dora, I love you. Will you marry me?. With the Colonel's permission of course."
Steve Slugger and Ron stood open mouthed "Well of course you have my permission" said a surprised Colonel.
"Just a minute" shouted Rigsby, "I got in first".
"Blimey" said Ron, eventually, "It must be something in the water."
"Quick, a glass of water for Mr Peacock" said Mr Humphries.

"I can't marry you Mr Rigsby" replied Miss Jones. "I love someone else." Rigsby got off his knee, struggling. He sat on the stool.
It gave way again. Rigsby went crashing to the floor.
"Are you alright Rigsby?" asked Alan, "I'm a medical student. "I think I've broken it" replied Rigsby.
"What, your arm" Exclaimed Alan.
"No, the bloody stool leg" said Rigsby, holding it up.

"So who is it you love Miss Jones" continued Rigsby..."Tell me....I'll kill him" he said, waving the chair leg around.
"It's Philip" she cried out, rushing over to him and putting her arms around him.
"Well maybe some other time" said Rigsby.
"I'm sorry Ruth" replied Philip, "But I don't love you. I just like us to be friends."
Miss Jones roared and sat on the bed. "There, there, it's not the end of the world" said Mr Humphries.

"What about you Dora?" asked Uncle Joe. "Have you had time to think?". Dora looked into Joe's eyes.
"I'm sorry" she answered, "But my love lies elsewhere too."
"Cancel the water for Mr Peacock" said Mr Humphries.
Ron, Slugger and The Colonel looked towards Steve. Steve looked down at the floor.
"I love my horses" explained Dora. "I just want to love them and look after them. I'm sorry Joe, I can't marry you."

"Well we've heard from couples No. 1 and No. 2" said Mr Humphries imitating Cilla Black, "Now it's over to couple No. 3.
Mr Peacock, here's your blind date for the evening....... Mr Humphries." Mr Peacock stood there with a sullen face.
"I'm sorry Mr Humphries, but it's over between us" he said. "I too love someone else, who works at Grace Brothers also."
"Is it Mr Rumbold?" asked a shaken Mr Humphries.
"No."
"Mr Grainger?"
"No. It's Mrs Slocombe."
"Mrs Slocombe?"
"Yes, I realised the other day when I went to see her. I knew I wasn't gay when I was playing with her pussy" said Mr Peacock.
"Yes, well, that is a bit of a giveaway" replied Rigsby
"I'm talking about Mrs Slocombe's cat" Explained Mr Peacock.
" 'Ere, Rigsby's got a cat" said Alan. It's called Vienna." "Yes, he reminds me of you" replied Rigsby.
"What, because he's warm and cuddly and got long hair" said Alan.
"No, because he spends all day eating and does bugger all and pees in my back garden in the evening" said Rigsby.

Mr Humphries threw himself on the bed, next to Miss Jones.
"It's the end of the world" he roared.

Cut out the strong to help the weak

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Re: The Colonel's folly
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2019, 03:18:08 PM »
Dora walked outside and put her hands round the Lightning tree. Uncle Joe, Rigsby, Miss Jones, Philip, Alan,
Mr Peacock and Mr Humphries all headed home.
"What a day" said an exasperated Colonel - Six peoples lives ruined today because of a stupid idea I had - Rigsby and Miss Jones,
Mr Humphries and Mr Peacock and Dora and Uncle Joe. "Seven" exclaimed Steve. "I'm leaving tomorrow."
" 'Ere, you can't leave" said Slugger. "Dora needs you. "I don't think so" replied Steve, "Judging by her remarks earlier."
"Colonel" said Slugger. "You've got to do something." "I can't stop him" the Colonel replied. "I can't do anything about that.
But I can do something about this room. It's been a bad omen. It's haunting me. It doesn't fit in with Follyfoot. Enough's enough,
tomorrow I'm going to get Mr Clegg to change this room back to how it used to be - An ageing, moronic mess. Just like me."

Slugger, Steve and Ron walked out of the room.
"Geoffrey, you don't mean that" said Lady Carne walking in. "Martha!" exclaimed the Colonel, his eyes lighting up. "You don't know
what a day I've had."
"I've just passed Dora talking to the Lightning tree" she said. "Mentioned something about you needing help and happiness."
"Yes" he replied. I've been a fool. I've upset everyone. This is the Colonel's folly."
"Folly" Exclaimed Martha. F-O-L-L-Y. Spells out Forever Our Love Lies Yonder.
"Does your love lie yonder Geoffrey?" asked Martha. "A shame to waste this lovely room" she said, closing the curtains, "And this
gorgeous bed. Let's put this 'Do not disturb' sign on the door handle and lock the door. Let's see if we can't make Dora's wish
come true" she purred.

Suddenly Dora dashed into the room. "We've done it Uncle" she cried out, "We've done it. Oh Hello Lady Carne" she said. "Uncle,
it's awfully dark in here, why are the curtains drawn?".
"Oh..I..er"... stuttered the Colonel." "He was just showing me how nice they look when they're closed" said Lady Carne.

Dora opened them.
"Done what Dora?" asked the Colonel sheepishly." "We've let the room" exclaimed Dora. "I'd just made a wish on the Lightning Tree
and it came true. Within minutes a car pulled up with a young couple in it. She's expecting a baby anytime, they want to move in
today, they don't even want to see it first. To think, this bed's going to be used today, isn't that a surprise Uncle" exclaimed Dora.
"Yes, who would have thought it" sighed the Colonel. "It's a Mr and Mrs Frank Spencer moving in" exclaimed Dora.

A young man wearing a white raincoat and dark beret popped his head round the door.
"I am he" he said.
He looked round the room. "Mmmm...........nice" he exclaimed.
"I've had a lot of harassment lately" he said.

"Haven't we all" replied a disgruntled Colonel.


                                                                               THE END

Cut out the strong to help the weak